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Original poster

A married man has just asked me for a coffee....

70 replies

imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 18:18

I know him, he's my old window cleaner and a friend of my abusive exh. He helped us with something major when we got married (won't specify what) and I've always thought he was one of the good guys - without knowing him too well.

I messaged him a few weeks ago to ask him to add me to his window rounds as I don't like my current window cleaner. He used to do my house with exh and he's good at his job and also a decent guy...or so I thought.

Anyway, as I said, I messaged him - nothing in it. He replied that he was out go work at the moment with a dodgy knee and had an operation but he would do it when he was back up and running again.

He's since messaged me a couple to times to ask how I am as he knows exh. He isn't the only one to do this - exh has really put me through it and people have been in touch. I replied with that I was fine - just small talk and thought nothing more of it. He is married after all.

Tonight he's messaged again asking if I am ok. However I've had a fair few messages this weekend as exh showed his new gf on social media so I thought nothing of it.

I replied with 'I'm fine thanks, hope you're well'.

His response was 'do you fancy meeting for a coffee sometime?'

I haven't replied and I'm not going too.

I can't figure it out. He seems a decent guy that I thought was happily married. I don't know why he would ask me for coffee....unless it's exh that has something to do with it!

I'm honestly thinking he is somehow behind all of this. I've recently found out that me and his new gf overlapped. He spent the last few months of our marriage accusing me of cheating when he was doing it all along.

I can't help but think this could be some sort of test. Equally - the window cleaner is a nice guy, I don't think he would do that. Equally though, if it's not a test, I don't know why he would ask me out for a coffee.

I must sound absolutely bonkers to you all but exh played so many mind games, I can't help but think he's involved!

OP posts:
TheMiddleLight · 11/12/2023 23:32

GonksAreNotJustForChristmas · 11/12/2023 22:50

I go for coffee or drinks with married men on a regular basis

Good for you.

I know. What an odd thing to say like it's a necessary activity or stealth boast or something. I'm pretty sure if the poster actually does, it isn't exactly the same situation as the OP. Apples and Oranges.

Thenewmags · 11/12/2023 23:32

@imnotthenarc OK, fair enough. I see - so he’s more of an acquaintance.

I have married male friends who I go for coffee with, mainly former work colleagues or old uni mates I’ve known for the best part of 2 decades. It’s definitely platonic. But I get why your guard would’ve been up with this married man. Clearly, it was not innocent and he is absolutely behaving in a very predatory manner.

Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 23:35

imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 23:26

@Thenewmags I started with that because I've been cheated on recently by exh so I suppose that is what jumps out at me the most. It is relevant as I'm still absolutely broken by the heartache I feel.

When I say mates, I don't mean they spend time or socialise together because they don't. They never have.
They simply know each other.

Exh is a narc. He refers to everyone has his mate. This is just another thing that I maybe need to realise now I'm not in his world anymore.

I don't mean to drip feed, I apologise as it's my mistake. But they are not friends as in ever socialise or anything like that.

Thinking realistically - they aren't friends at all. They have each others numbers, are friends on social media but that's all.

@imnotthenarc Seeing as this has been your experience, I can totally understand your reaction. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. So very difficult to completely extricate yourself from narcissistic exes, physically, emotionally and mentally. You know you're on the right track, but on alert for anything derailing you. I agree that this is a case of an opportunistic sleaze trying his luck, so don't worry.

I hope you have some emotional support in place after everything has happened. I know from experience of breaking up with men like this how hard it is.

Hillcrest2022 · 11/12/2023 23:40

Nope, he's being creepy. I'd block him. You don't need those mind games or that drama.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 12/12/2023 00:04

Going for coffee with a male you know well and is an established friend is one thing.

Going for a coffee with a male you only slightly know, and with no other surrounding reason (eg work together and take a break at the same time, on a Committee and meet to hash out an idea/issue) is completely different and can be so easily misinterpreted.

EyeInTheSky23 · 12/12/2023 08:39

Your h left you (he knows), you're currently single, he probably thinks you're attractive ... he also thinks you're vulnerable. You contacted him re window cleaning and he thought "oh, I'm in here, she must've had a thing for me all along, she's just using the window cleaning as an excuse, she's obviously up for it, I'll ask her out".

He either thinks at minimum he'll get a nice shag on the side, or at maximum maybe he'll weigh up whether to stay with his current wife or jump ship.

That is literally how some men think.

EyeInTheSky23 · 12/12/2023 08:41

As the saying goes, some men are only as faithful as their options; and he thought he might have you as an option.

Sunshineandflipflops · 12/12/2023 09:04

I was also wondering if he is separated but it's irrelevant if you have no interest in going for a coffee with him.

TheKnittedCharacter · 12/12/2023 09:11

He replied with 'ok well I'd of love to have taken you out xxx'

Avoid. He’s creepy and doesn’t know basic grammar.

KarmaLife · 12/12/2023 18:00

May be coming a hit late to the thread but my standard response if asked for coffee by someone with a partner or wife...

"Yes happy to meet if your wife is aware and happy for that"

...but only if I think the offer is all above board in the first place. Mostly I would view such things with deep suspicion.

PaintedEgg · 12/12/2023 18:12

three options:

  1. genuinely decent person who just wanted to catch up
  2. it was really a "non-invitation", the kind of "lets meet up for coffee" that you have no intention of ever organising but it sounds like a right thing to say
  3. he is NOT decent at all, and his choice of friends (your ex) could be a clue here
FreshWinterMorning · 12/12/2023 19:34

Of course YANBU @imnotthenarc Married men should not be pursuing single/divorced/widowed women to keep asking them to meet for coffee. And why would he 'LOVED to have taken you out?' Urgh vile pig. Confused

Sorry, but he is definitely after an affair/a shag. Get another window cleaner. Creepy fuck clearly saw you asking him to do some 'window-cleaning' as you saying 'fancy a fuck Dave?'

C*nt. Hmm Bet his poor wife doesn't know he has been pursuing you. Maybe she should know eh?

Original poster
imnotthenarc · 12/12/2023 19:47

FreshWinterMorning · 12/12/2023 19:34

Of course YANBU @imnotthenarc Married men should not be pursuing single/divorced/widowed women to keep asking them to meet for coffee. And why would he 'LOVED to have taken you out?' Urgh vile pig. Confused

Sorry, but he is definitely after an affair/a shag. Get another window cleaner. Creepy fuck clearly saw you asking him to do some 'window-cleaning' as you saying 'fancy a fuck Dave?'

C*nt. Hmm Bet his poor wife doesn't know he has been pursuing you. Maybe she should know eh?

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely despise this type of thing - I've been cheated on enough times and would never ever play apart in inflicting that sort of pain on anyone else. But I've got enough going on myself trying to divorce my abusive ex. I don't think I can handle anything else.

If he sends me anymore messages then I will let her know but right now I can't take anymore drama. I'm sure she will find out eventually.

I did look at her fb. She looks blissfully happy and tags him in everything. He looks well and truly fed up. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors but if it's not me then he will do it to someone else and probably already has.

OP posts:
FreshWinterMorning · 12/12/2023 19:49

Perhaps he should leave the poor woman then. Let her be with someone decent - and not someone who pursues single women.

What a twat.

Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 05:49

I have zero respect for anyone who decides to have an affair or who chases other women because they are fed up in their current relationship or marriage. Why on earth don't they get divorced and then pursue someone new? Aside from lacking morals, it doesn't make any sense? Do they just not want to be alone? Either way it's the most cowardly way of existing and it's so fucking lazy and pathetic.

Prune2024 · 13/12/2023 07:52

I wouldn't have offered a regular job for someone linked to my abusive ex as i'd want nothing of him or the people that associate with him.

Initially I thought it was a friendly offer by a lonely man stuck at home recovering but men generally don't enjoy sitting and emotionally supporting a woman for nothing. He is bored and lonely and tried it on. The 'nothing weird' suggests that he is aware how it could come off and the three kisses is flirty.

Like others have said, I wouldn't consider someone friends with a nasty person as kind, by staying friends with awful people you are effectively condoning their behaviour or at least minimising it. Bad judgment and possibly they too have that side to them. Abusive men seem so charming initially.

Your feelings were right about it. Please avoid dating anyone from your ex's circle.

TheAverageJoanne · 13/12/2023 08:04

imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 18:49

Well i replied with a nice polite message saying 'no thank you' and I explained a small amount of what has happened to me just lately and that I don't have any interest in going for coffee even if it isn't anything weird.

He replied with 'ok well I'd of love to have taken you out xxx'

3 kisses. Weird. Just no.

I'd have said no on account of his rubbish grammar if he were single!

TheBraves · 13/12/2023 08:07

He’s a creepy fucker. I would block and don’t ask anyone to do any work for you that has any connection to your ex in future. You don’t need any thing linking you to him.

Bicorne · 13/12/2023 08:11

TheAverageJoanne · 13/12/2023 08:04

I'd have said no on account of his rubbish grammar if he were single!

Show quote history

Yes! I would have said no if he were single and a total delight. Poor grammar is a turn off…

category12 · 13/12/2023 12:21

Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 05:49

I have zero respect for anyone who decides to have an affair or who chases other women because they are fed up in their current relationship or marriage. Why on earth don't they get divorced and then pursue someone new? Aside from lacking morals, it doesn't make any sense? Do they just not want to be alone? Either way it's the most cowardly way of existing and it's so fucking lazy and pathetic.

I don't think they're necessarily fed up in their relationship at all.

I think lots just fancy a bit of strange. (Maybe just to see if they can still pull. Maybe just cos they're randy buggers.) They don't actually want to split up with their partners at all.

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