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Original poster

A married man has just asked me for a coffee....

70 replies

imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 18:18

I know him, he's my old window cleaner and a friend of my abusive exh. He helped us with something major when we got married (won't specify what) and I've always thought he was one of the good guys - without knowing him too well.

I messaged him a few weeks ago to ask him to add me to his window rounds as I don't like my current window cleaner. He used to do my house with exh and he's good at his job and also a decent guy...or so I thought.

Anyway, as I said, I messaged him - nothing in it. He replied that he was out go work at the moment with a dodgy knee and had an operation but he would do it when he was back up and running again.

He's since messaged me a couple to times to ask how I am as he knows exh. He isn't the only one to do this - exh has really put me through it and people have been in touch. I replied with that I was fine - just small talk and thought nothing more of it. He is married after all.

Tonight he's messaged again asking if I am ok. However I've had a fair few messages this weekend as exh showed his new gf on social media so I thought nothing of it.

I replied with 'I'm fine thanks, hope you're well'.

His response was 'do you fancy meeting for a coffee sometime?'

I haven't replied and I'm not going too.

I can't figure it out. He seems a decent guy that I thought was happily married. I don't know why he would ask me for coffee....unless it's exh that has something to do with it!

I'm honestly thinking he is somehow behind all of this. I've recently found out that me and his new gf overlapped. He spent the last few months of our marriage accusing me of cheating when he was doing it all along.

I can't help but think this could be some sort of test. Equally - the window cleaner is a nice guy, I don't think he would do that. Equally though, if it's not a test, I don't know why he would ask me out for a coffee.

I must sound absolutely bonkers to you all but exh played so many mind games, I can't help but think he's involved!

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 11/12/2023 19:46

Regarding the cameras - have you changed all the passwords for them (your ex might still be able to log in).

Reesescheeses · 11/12/2023 19:56

Any chance he’s separated too?

Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 20:02

I have to admit, because I like to call people out on their BS, that knowing me I'd have replied saying "aren't you married?"

That way it's clear why you find this distasteful. For all you know he could be divorced now and thinks that you know.

But it depends on whether you have creepy vibes or not and how likely that is.

Myfabby · 11/12/2023 20:12

imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 18:49

Well i replied with a nice polite message saying 'no thank you' and I explained a small amount of what has happened to me just lately and that I don't have any interest in going for coffee even if it isn't anything weird.

He replied with 'ok well I'd of love to have taken you out xxx'

3 kisses. Weird. Just no.

pedantic I know but that I'd of would have resulted in a instant block from me. Huge ick right there.

EyeInTheSky23 · 11/12/2023 20:18

Yep, "I'd of" is turn off territory. Like those guys on old who can't write a basic sentence in their native language.

He sounds like he's sniffing around. Aw some men are such creepy, opportunistic
predators.

And they always project their attitude/desperation for sex into women "she's single
, She'd be grateful for sex".

Nope.

Decades on the planet and you still haven't figured out most women are not like many men, sexually.

lto2019 · 11/12/2023 20:22

I would have said no based on the fact he is your abusive exes friend. Even if he himself was not a total creep (which it appears he is) I wouldn't want any contact with someone who may deliberately or inadvertently pass things on to ex.
Re cameras - I would also check that these are not still accessible to ex - either linked to his phone or if he has any password.

EyeInTheSky23 · 11/12/2023 20:22

I know you're separated rather than widowed but this scenario reminds me of a Mario Puzo (the Godfather writer) novel in which he described a policeman as "the type of guy who'd be called out to a homicide and be *comforting" the grieving widow within a fortnight.
The character also always tried it on for sex with his ex wife when he called round there, because; "worth a try".

Burntouted · 11/12/2023 20:41

Leave him alone permanently. Block him. No more communication. Get a new window cleaner.

This behavior of yours and his is inappropriate.

WandaWonder · 11/12/2023 20:44

category12 · 11/12/2023 18:30

I'd totally judge him by the company he keeps - I'd expect him to have similar attitudes to women/relationships as your ex.

So whether it's some sort of test as a proxy of your ex or him trying it on himself, I wouldn't respond to it. Even if there's no ulterior motive, I don't think any good can come of it.

Going by that theory the op could be judged for having a relationship with the ex then, op go or not but you don't need to complicate it

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 11/12/2023 21:17

Burntouted · 11/12/2023 20:41

Leave him alone permanently. Block him. No more communication. Get a new window cleaner.

This behavior of yours and his is inappropriate.

“Yours and his”?

OP has done nothing wrong.

Original poster
imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 21:33

Burntouted · 11/12/2023 20:41

Leave him alone permanently. Block him. No more communication. Get a new window cleaner.

This behavior of yours and his is inappropriate.

I'm not sure what I've done expect message him to ask him to clean my windows. Which was on his actually business Facebook page I might add - not his personal page.

OP posts:
Original poster
imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 21:35

For those asking about the cameras, he 100% does not have access to those.

OP posts:
GonksAreNotJustForChristmas · 11/12/2023 22:50

I go for coffee or drinks with married men on a regular basis

Good for you.

Andthereyougo · 11/12/2023 22:56

If you don't want to go for coffee with him, "Thanks for the offer but I just want my windows cleaned!" will suffice.

^ This.
You sound as if you’ve been through enough, why complicate your life more? There are other people you can go for coffee with, other people you can be friends with. You need time, and worry- free time, to recover from your ex and build a new life.

Original poster
imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 22:59

Andthereyougo · 11/12/2023 22:56

If you don't want to go for coffee with him, "Thanks for the offer but I just want my windows cleaned!" will suffice.

^ This.
You sound as if you’ve been through enough, why complicate your life more? There are other people you can go for coffee with, other people you can be friends with. You need time, and worry- free time, to recover from your ex and build a new life.

I don't want to got for a coffee with him. I never said I did. I have absolutely zero interest in doing that.

My post was more about could my exh be behind it however now I don't think it is.

Regardless I don't want to go for a coffee with him. Just hoping he would clean my windows but that seems out of the window now....

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 11/12/2023 23:02

"I'm not sure what I've done expect message him to ask him to clean my windows. Which was on his actually business Facebook page I might add - not his personal page."

I don't think you've done anything "wrong" apart from being a little naïve in thinking his chat beyond business is/was just friendly, considering he's a mate of your ex.

Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 23:04

@imnotthenarc I don't think people are reading your updates OP. But this is what happens on MN. The OP comes to a resolution, posts about it, and people continue to debate on the subject anyway for hours or days.

Christmasmug · 11/12/2023 23:09

I feel like I've been locked inside my exh world forever but if this is want the outside is like then I don't like this either!

There's good and bad on the 'outside' OP, the trick is to embrace the good and bat the bad away like the insignificant flies they are. And that's exactly what you've done, you felt there was something off from the outset and you were absolutely right, you should be patting yourself on the back! All you need to do next time (and there unfortunately will be a next time) is trust your instincts instead of second guessing yourself, you were right and your instincts are provably good.

Thenewmags · 11/12/2023 23:14

imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 18:49

Well i replied with a nice polite message saying 'no thank you' and I explained a small amount of what has happened to me just lately and that I don't have any interest in going for coffee even if it isn't anything weird.

He replied with 'ok well I'd of love to have taken you out xxx'

3 kisses. Weird. Just no.

The main issue I got from reading the OP wasn’t that he is married, so I was surprised you even lead with that. The main thing that jumped out at me was that he’s friends with your abusive ex. Why would anyone go for coffee with a friend of their abusive ex, unless of course they already happened to have a friendship in own right with that person. So even if he genuinely wanting to form a platonic friendship it would still be inappropriate and massively unwise.

That said, his follow up messages were extremely weird . He sounds like some of the creepy guys I’ve encountered on OLD and I’ve suspected they’re married too. Lol.

glad you didn’t take him up on his offer, there’s no positive outcome to a meeting like that.

IncompleteSenten · 11/12/2023 23:18

It's disgusting how many men with partners start sniffing around newly single women.

If he messages again I'd reply it's still no but I'd love to have a cup with your wife. Want to give me her number?

assessedorregreased · 11/12/2023 23:21

If he's not working at the moment, now is the ideal time to say "I thought I'd let you know that because I would really like my windows cleaned ASAP, I've managed to find someone else who can start soon. Thanks though"!

Original poster
imnotthenarc · 11/12/2023 23:26

@Thenewmags I started with that because I've been cheated on recently by exh so I suppose that is what jumps out at me the most. It is relevant as I'm still absolutely broken by the heartache I feel.

When I say mates, I don't mean they spend time or socialise together because they don't. They never have.
They simply know each other.

Exh is a narc. He refers to everyone has his mate. This is just another thing that I maybe need to realise now I'm not in his world anymore.

I don't mean to drip feed, I apologise as it's my mistake. But they are not friends as in ever socialise or anything like that.

Thinking realistically - they aren't friends at all. They have each others numbers, are friends on social media but that's all.

OP posts:
Thenewmags · 11/12/2023 23:27

EyeInTheSky23 · 11/12/2023 20:22

I know you're separated rather than widowed but this scenario reminds me of a Mario Puzo (the Godfather writer) novel in which he described a policeman as "the type of guy who'd be called out to a homicide and be *comforting" the grieving widow within a fortnight.
The character also always tried it on for sex with his ex wife when he called round there, because; "worth a try".

Edited

Yeah I get this kind of vibe from OP’s description of ex’s friend as well! Some men are extremely predatory, irrespective of their relationship status they seem to think a woman who may have had a rough relationship or been heartbroken for whatever reason is easy prey.

He probably assumed OP is broken and needy, so in his tiny mind it was the perfect opportunity as he has a good chance if he tries it on when she’s at her lowest basically.

Firefly2009 · 11/12/2023 23:30

IncompleteSenten · 11/12/2023 23:18

It's disgusting how many men with partners start sniffing around newly single women.

If he messages again I'd reply it's still no but I'd love to have a cup with your wife. Want to give me her number?

@IncompleteSenten Oooooh that's brilliant!

I'm saving this for future use.

Ardith · 11/12/2023 23:31

Your ex was a bastard, and the window cleaner is a cheat hoping to get a quick shag off someone he sees as vulnerable.

Sorry you’ve known such crap men, hope you find a better window cleaner soon.

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