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Original poster

What should I do- Christmas nights out

61 replies

ChristmasPartyx · 11/12/2023 11:08

regular poster, NC
I have been with my dp for a few years. In the early days I liked to go out drinking and there have been a few instances where I haven’t behaved brilliantly. Flirting with other guys (dancing with them) - nothing has happened physically but caused arguments at the time.
fast forward to now and because of those times (he says) he still has issues with me going out drinking.
i hardly ever go now. In fact I haven’t gone for over a year.
i have a Christmas works do coming up that I’ve pre paid for and he doesn’t want me to go. He’s outright said he will pay me back and more if I don’t go.
I really want to go and feel it will look bad if I don’t but I know that in his mind it’s because of how I’ve behaved in the past with drink he is very ‘stressed and anxious’ about it.
he is fine with me going out in other ways eg hobby, meal with friends. It’s just party type events he hates me to do
i don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 11/12/2023 11:09

Can you go and not drink?

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 11/12/2023 11:13

Flirting with other guys (dancing with them) - nothing has happened physically but caused arguments at the time

Was he also there at these times?

Original poster
ChristmasPartyx · 11/12/2023 11:46

Whataretheodds · 11/12/2023 11:09

Can you go and not drink?

I could do. I could see if that would be ok with him. I wouldn’t have as much fun but I’d rather that than not go

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasPartyx · 11/12/2023 11:47

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 11/12/2023 11:13

Flirting with other guys (dancing with them) - nothing has happened physically but caused arguments at the time

Was he also there at these times?

Yes there’s one time he was there we were all dancing and I was dancing with another guy for a bit.
theres another time I told a guy he could be a model (my other half wasn’t there then but I told him on the way back) and it caused a massive argument

OP posts:
FuckingHellAdele · 11/12/2023 11:47

i don’t know what to do

You go to the party.

Vanillalime · 11/12/2023 11:51

I would go to the party and tell him to get a grip. You danced and flirted - so what?? Does that mean you are never allowed to go to, let loose and have fun ever again?

chipsandpeas · 11/12/2023 11:51

go to the party and consider leaving your DP as hes being controlling

Original poster
ChristmasPartyx · 11/12/2023 11:55

There was also a time about a year ago when I went out with workmates - they were going on afterwards but my dp wanted to pick me up early because of the issues above. I had a couple of drinks and told my workmates why I was leaving early. So when he came and picked me up one of my (drunk) friends came out and had a go at him 🙈
that obviously caused arguments as he said I wouldn’t have told them if I hadn’t been drinking

OP posts:
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 11/12/2023 11:58

Dancing with a man isn't exactly whore behaviour op. He has no right to tell you not to go. Maybe he needs gone? Ta ta control freak..

coolkatt · 11/12/2023 12:16

it's the party now.
then it will be your work.
then your friends.
then your family.
then a new house miles away.

get rid of this paranoid control narc.

easylikeasundaymorn · 11/12/2023 12:17

I mean I can see why he was annoyed at the time - there are a lot of 'cool girls' on here but most people would be unhappy if their partner was drunk and flirting with strangers - it's not "whorish" behaviour but it's not respectful to your partner if you're in a relationship, is it?

but regardless of what you decide for this particular night, you need to have a conversation with him about how he thinks this is going to work going forward. there's a huge difference between being a bit flirty in the very early days of a relationship and not trusting someone you've been together with for several years. The bit about paying you not to go (not just refunding your costs) is particularly dodgy.

I think you need to ask him, are you saying if we stay together I can never go out drinking again for the rest of my life? If he says no of course not that's ridiculous then agree together what boundaries are appropriate but obviously most of them will have to boil down to him trusting you. If he says 'well, yes,' or says no but can't give any date on when/how he will magically start trusting you again then I'd reconsider the relationship.

SnowSwan · 11/12/2023 12:17

He needs to either trust you, or leave you. What he doesn't get to do is control you.

Original poster
ChristmasPartyx · 11/12/2023 12:20

He says why does it have to be a ‘piss up’
Why can’t I see my friends in the day or do hobbies or something
he says I always take it too far

OP posts:
Original poster
ChristmasPartyx · 11/12/2023 12:20

I’ve told him I will make sure i won’t drink too much if I go but he doesn’t believe me

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 11/12/2023 12:44

Go to the party and dump him then you can have as much fun as you like

He's controlling

VanityDiesHard · 11/12/2023 12:53

Screaming at the double standards on this thread. If this was a woman who didn't like her husband flirting at parties, then everyone would be supporting her, not telling her that she was being controlling. By her own admission, the OP was flirting, not just dancing. It makes her husband uncomfortable (as it would me. I have no issue with my DH dancing with other women, but he doesn't flirt. I dance with other men but there is again nothing flirty in it) He set a boundary, and people are telling her to LTB?? Priceless. OP, I think that you need to respect your husband's boundary, or say you will go and not drink. He has a right to be unhappy with how you have behaved in the past, although I agree it isn't as bad as actual cheating.

occhiazzurri · 11/12/2023 12:59

So what about going to the event since your work colleagues will expect you to attend and you seem keen to attend but leave early? I have invariably left all Christmas dinners/drinks (including our team dinner last week) just after 9.30 pm before things could potentially get rowdy and people get too drunk.

furtivetussling · 11/12/2023 13:01

ChristmasPartyx · 11/12/2023 12:20

I’ve told him I will make sure i won’t drink too much if I go but he doesn’t believe me

No partner has the right to prevent someone from going out with friends or to a party... but why doesn't he believe you? Be honest with yourself - can you control your drinking or not?

jay55 · 11/12/2023 13:33

Why do you flirt with other men?
If you're not that keen on your partner, you don't need to stay with him.
Sounds like you'd much prefer to be single and out having fun.

baileys6904 · 11/12/2023 13:37

Dancing with someone isn't flirting, unless u were doing that v sexual repartoire from dirty dancing.

Saying someone is good looking enough to be a model, same as.

It doesn't matter what gender, it's still isn't flirting.

OP go to the party, and don't like you life the way someone else expects you to

Sirian · 11/12/2023 13:43

If I was him I wouldn’t ask you not to go, or not to drink. I’d just dump you because you’re a cheater.

Tiny2018 · 11/12/2023 13:47

I'd be livid if my partner did some if this stuff with other women, I can absolutely see where he's coming from.

SignoraItaliana · 11/12/2023 13:49

Go to your work party and have fun.
He can't tell you what to do.
I'd watch the boozy flirting though.

DirtyKit · 11/12/2023 13:50

I think there’s dancing and there’s dancing.
OP - do you think it was reasonable he was upset by your behaviour?

Original poster
ChristmasPartyx · 11/12/2023 13:57

DirtyKit · 11/12/2023 13:50

I think there’s dancing and there’s dancing.
OP - do you think it was reasonable he was upset by your behaviour?

Honestly, in a couple of cases yes and in a couple of others no.
I would be happy to make some sort of compromise which seems it may need to be not to drink at all if I go.

OP posts:
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