What should I do- Christmas nights out

[ChristmasPartyx]

regular poster, NC
I have been with my dp for a few years. In the early days I liked to go out drinking and there have been a few instances where I haven’t behaved brilliantly. Flirting with other guys (dancing with them) - nothing has happened physically but caused arguments at the time.
fast forward to now and because of those times (he says) he still has issues with me going out drinking.
i hardly ever go now. In fact I haven’t gone for over a year.
i have a Christmas works do coming up that I’ve pre paid for and he doesn’t want me to go. He’s outright said he will pay me back and more if I don’t go.
I really want to go and feel it will look bad if I don’t but I know that in his mind it’s because of how I’ve behaved in the past with drink he is very ‘stressed and anxious’ about it.
he is fine with me going out in other ways eg hobby, meal with friends. It’s just party type events he hates me to do
i don’t know what to do.

I haven’t actually cheated though. Ever.

Also. I know it doesn’t make much difference but I’m older, fatter and less attractive then when we first got together. I used to get a lot of attention from men. Now I’m distinctly average. I know that shouldn’t make a difference but i can’t see there being a queue of men trying to hook up with me even if I wanted to.

If he thinks you are an alcoholic tart then he needs to dump you for that not try control your actions..

I used to sometimes when I was drunk. I don’t any more. I love my dp ans things are generally really good now between us after a few rocky patches in the past (I’d say 50:50 fault wise)
hence me actually thinking about pretending to be ill and not go to this party just to make him happy. But i don’t want to never go out again for the rest of my life. But then is it worth causing a fuss for just one or 2 nights out a year when the relationship normally is generally good ?

The replies have been pretty split and that’s how I feel, swinging between thinking he’s being really unfair and I shouldn’t put up with it, and then understanding and just wanting him to love me again and just cancelling it to make everything happy again

I'd ask myself honestly what I thought about my drinking - be really honest. If you know it's not an issue and you were just mucking about then I'd go with no apology.

If you think it might affect things, I'd come up with a practical plan to prevent it getting out of control (it doesn't really sound like it is, but personally I'm more careful as I get older as my physical response to alcohol has changed).

You can't just not ever drink again because he's worried unnecessarily. Unless you think he does genuinely have a point.

But then is it worth causing a fuss for just one or 2 nights out a year when the relationship normally is generally good ?

That's the question your DP should be answering, right?

Everyone has different standards of what they think is cheating or not.

For me, I would consider that out of order behaviour and so would my partner. Trust once broken is hard to get back and I wouldn't trust you either in that position.

Saying that, he's chosen to stay with you so I think he either needs to trust you or break up with you.

It sounds like the issue is unresolved. Have you got to the root of why you behaved that way? If so have you explained you did it because XYZ and why you are confident that will not happen again? "I promise I won't do it again" or "I don't know why I did it" is not reassuring enough for most people.

If your DH behaved the way you did how would that make you feel?

In general I don't think it is good for a DP to dictate where and when you go out but if you really cannot control your drinking and flirty behaviour a compromise is that you don't drink.

Go.

Enjoy your party. It's his issue to deal with.

Just because you danced with a bloke once when you were drunk doesn't mean you're going to every time.

We have agreed I’m going to go but I’ll drive.
I have said that next time I want the chance to prove that I will be fine having a few drinks and he doesn’t have to worry in the future

He sounds controlling. If you were grinding up these other guys and sort of close bodily contact dancing then yes maybe that's an issue. But just dancing with them isn't.

I honestly would tell a woman that they were being ridiculous, controlling, and to leave their partner if they didn't trust them rather than imprison them

Then you'd be in a minority. Most on here would be saying LTB if he had behaved on a night out as the OP states she behaved.

If I was him I wouldn’t ask you not to go, or not to drink. I’d just dump you because you’re a cheater.

Did I miss the bit where she said she cheated??

hmm, who is a better arbitrator of whether it counted as flirting?
The OP who was actually there and doing it
Or an internet random hearing about it second hand several years later?

OP didn't say 'DP accused me of flirting but I wasn't'. The examples given could go either way, depending on how they were said and to whom - if OP herself said she was flirting then she probably was!

I think it really depends on what sort of ‘dancing and flirting with a male friend’ looked like? Christina Aguilera ‘dirty’ track or a Motown classic side step?

I wouldn’t be impressed if my husband got down and dirty on the dance floor in my presence… I’d be wondering what on earth was going on when I wasn’t there. Then I’d leave, because without trust there’s no relationship.

If you genuinely weren’t flirting and simply dancing alongside colleagues then I’d leave, as he’s controlling.

I guess only you know the honest truth.

If this really is a generally good relationship I’d suggest some outside counselling to help you work through this and come up with a way forward that works for both of you. Impossible to say whether he’s controlling or whether you’re behaving inappropriately. It’s possibly a mix of the two tbh

The thing is that we can't advise you because we don't know you. We don't know if you drink a shitload of alcohol and behave really badly. We don't know if he is just a controlling bastard who can't let you have a nice night out.

Well it's controlling and he has no trust in you. What if it's going for a coffee next? Or visiting your mum? This is not acceptable and you need to enforce boundaries now. He's basically put you in prison so his feelings don't get ruffled.

You need mediation as a minimum mum because this is emotional abuse.

I think you’ve been very honest @ChristmasPartyx aboit times where you think you could have behaved better and times you feel unfairly judged. I’d worry that the compromise you’ve reached is that you’ll drive this time and ‘earn’ the right to go out and have a few drinks in the future if you ‘prove yourself’. It’s not clear whether you slightly worry about your own trustworthiness after a few drinks, or whether he made the rules. You sound older and wiser, and honest. Fast forward six months, is he going to ‘let’ you go to the office barbecue; will he be waiting outside in the car at 8pm to cut short your night, regardless of what you want to do?

Personally I’d probably be like your partner and I actually feel for him because clearly there’s been multiple cases where you’ve behaved badly. I’m sure your works do is a trigger for him and he’s feeling insecure and upset especially after the previous examples of your behaviour.
At the same time I believe in the “let them”
theory and he needs to allow you to show him whether you’ve changed or not. It is easier for him to try and control the situation by telling you not to go. But in reality he still has no control over your actions and he knows one day you may behave this way again,

My (now ex) boyfriend went to his works do last week, he’s a recovering alcoholic and I didn’t want him to go as I knew he’d be too tempted by drinks. But I let him. 10 hours from the start of the party and no contact later I call him and he eventually answers, still out, drunk and playing innocent that he drank coke all night. I gave him the chance to show me he’d changed and he failed. Maybe ask your partner to give you this chance for the sake of your relationship?

Seriously, you could see if he was OK with going and not drinking....? Read these posts back to yourself and think about what you would reply with if it were someone else writing.

We all have a past, we were all young and stupid. His insecurity is not your problem.

Go to the party and behave yourself. You can have good fun without getting drunk and embarrassed yourself crossing lines. Also leave before everyone is drunk enough is the best time to leave. Nice meal, a couple of glasses of wine, a few nice conversations and that is the best doo.

You said that you crossed that line a couple of times, don't do it anymore.

He has to trust you and you need to probe that you deserved to be trusted. That is not going to happen if you don't go.

But would you ban him from ever going out drinking again?