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Relationships

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Original poster

What should I do- Christmas nights out

61 replies

ChristmasPartyx · 11/12/2023 11:08

regular poster, NC
I have been with my dp for a few years. In the early days I liked to go out drinking and there have been a few instances where I haven’t behaved brilliantly. Flirting with other guys (dancing with them) - nothing has happened physically but caused arguments at the time.
fast forward to now and because of those times (he says) he still has issues with me going out drinking.
i hardly ever go now. In fact I haven’t gone for over a year.
i have a Christmas works do coming up that I’ve pre paid for and he doesn’t want me to go. He’s outright said he will pay me back and more if I don’t go.
I really want to go and feel it will look bad if I don’t but I know that in his mind it’s because of how I’ve behaved in the past with drink he is very ‘stressed and anxious’ about it.
he is fine with me going out in other ways eg hobby, meal with friends. It’s just party type events he hates me to do
i don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

Sunshineandflipflops · 12/12/2023 15:11

SnowSwan · 11/12/2023 12:17

He needs to either trust you, or leave you. What he doesn't get to do is control you.

This. He isn't unreasonable for not trusting you but he is being unreasonable for not ending the relationship because of this instead of trying to control you in to being faithful. You can't watch someone 24/7 and if someone is going to cheat, they will (as I found out myself).

Tiny2018 · 12/12/2023 15:13

Gwenhwyfar No, I'd have dumped his arse the first time it happened.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/12/2023 15:23

How long ago did the dancing etc. happen? Because it sounds like ages ago and he's been using it to control you for years.

BigDahliaFan · 12/12/2023 15:28

The other way round, if you were telling him what to do, who with, when not to go...it's so controlling.

Saracenia · 12/12/2023 15:31

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/12/2023 15:23

How long ago did the dancing etc. happen? Because it sounds like ages ago and he's been using it to control you for years.

I’m wondering about this too. He sounds very controlling.

FuckingHellAdele · 12/12/2023 17:10

Tiny2018 · 12/12/2023 15:13

Gwenhwyfar No, I'd have dumped his arse the first time it happened.

That's it though. Everyone is entitled to set their own boundaries and draw their own lines as to what they find acceptable.

No one gets to tell other grown adults what they can and can't do, or where they are 'allowed' to go.

HowAmYa · 12/12/2023 19:56

Sorry, why are you together?
He doesn't trust you in the slightest yet chooses to be in a relationship with you. So he ttues to control you.

Why are you with him? You're seriously considering lying to keep him happy. What about you? Are you happy? Would you not rather be with someone who TRUSTS you and doesn't try to control you? I'm failing to see how this is even remotely a healthy relationship.

You were flirty with people years ago. Granted it looks like you get a bit over friendly when drunk. But if you've truly changed since then, he wouldn't have a problem. So either you are still handsy and flirty when drunk OR your partner doesn't believe a word that comes out of your mouth.

Only you know the truth here OP. Either way, this relationship sounds awfully unhealthy.

Go to the party. Have a good time.

Original poster

ChristmasPartyx · 12/12/2023 21:52

Saracenia · 12/12/2023 15:31

I’m wondering about this too. He sounds very controlling.

Show quote history

About 3/4 years ago? Before covid. But since then maybe 2 times we have had other arguments when I’ve been drunk usually because he can see I’m drunk and is worried that I’ll do it again then I get crosser than maybe I would if I wasn’t drunk

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/12/2023 21:55

So 3-4 years ago you danced with a man. Also a man complimented you. Nothing of any consequence has happened since. But you aren't allowed to go out.

Yeah, no. Sorry he's controlling.

If you genuinely think you (your own opinion) make poor choices when you drink, by all means drive instead. But if you don't, and you feel you can make sensible choices, do what you want. Tell him and he can decide if he wants to carry on the relationship.

But don't stay indoors because of him forever.

Xmascookies · 12/12/2023 22:00

I’d be asking yourself why you’d flirt and dance in a way you think isn’t reasonable with other men when you’re drunk, when you have a partner?

Sounds like you don’t respect him or give a crap. You’re lucky he stayed with you and this situation is of your own making as he probably rightly so doesn’t trust you now.

I’d basically just tell him that he either trusts you or he ends it because you’re going to the party and will get as pissed up as you want. You can’t let yourself be controlled by you need to accept this might end your relationship. It probably should have ended back when you did these things.

burntoutnurse · 12/12/2023 22:08

To put another perspective one this,

I couldn't be with someone I didn't trust going out without me.

Nor could I be with someone who didn't trust me going out.

My DP dropped me to my works Xmas party last week and then picked me up drunk. And told me to have a good time!

That's how it should be

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