Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SAHMs - does the fact you don't work 9in the paid sense) affect your r/ship

77 replies

micegg · 14/03/2008 16:43

I just ask out of curiosity really. I am currently on mat leave with DC2. I returned to work on a PT basis when DD1 was 10 months but our circumstances have changed since then and I am seriously thinking of giving work up for a few years. Its early days but so far DH thinks its a good idea. I am hesistant because DH does tend to (occasionally) express jelaousy at me working PT let alone not at all. I am also uneasy on relying on him for money when my mat pay stops. How do you deal with these issues? On the other side of it, since returning PT my career had nose dived whereas DH has taken off. I have to admit I have been a little at times at the opportunities he has had. Its not a major problem but just something else to consider.

OP posts:
Original poster
micegg · 14/03/2008 16:44

the 9 in the totle should be a (

OP posts:
Original poster
micegg · 14/03/2008 16:44

arrrggghhhh and I mean title. No good at typing1111

OP posts:
claireybee · 14/03/2008 17:14

DH pays the rent and major bills out of his salary. I use the child tax credit to buy groceries and pay a few of the smaller bills-that way I'm not having to ask him for money. Child benefit buys anything I need for the DC. Anything for me I buy out of my savings or hint heavily to DH!

claireybee · 14/03/2008 17:16

Sorry that didn't answer your question!
Um, not really because for me the big thing would be having to ask him for money and for him it would be him paying for everything but because I get the CTC and use that for groceries etc neither of those are an issue

No1ErmaBombeckfan · 14/03/2008 17:23

I hate this aspect of being a SAHM - having to go cap in hand to DH to get pin money and he pays for everything...

I do have a little (fast dwindling) cash of my own, but it is worrying when you are so reliant on someone..

I also kind of resent my friends who are child-free and, in a way and my DH for being able to do something that isn't as mind numbing or routine as looking after the kids...

At least you still have your hand in, I dread the day when I will return and have to face finding some job around my family responsibilities...

rumblethump · 14/03/2008 17:25

i am a sahm, and have no problems here at all. dh gets paid into our joint account and it is treated as and referred to as "our money".

it would be the same if i worked and dh were a sahd (although we would be stoney broke as i used to earn a pittance!).

Iota · 14/03/2008 17:27

I don't need to ask dh for money - I have my own for things for me and anyway I just use the joint account for most purchases.

pagwatch · 14/03/2008 17:31

I have my own account and all household things are paid out of the joint account. Dh's salary goes straight in there.
When we first met I had way more money than him. It became joint finances almost imediately. I found it difficult when i first gave up work but frankly that adjustment was difficult across the board initially.

So no, it doesn't affect it and i buy what i want within the budget. We make decisions jointly and i wouldn't hold back on buying something or overspend in any way differently from if it was all my money and i was single.
god does that make sense?

TheFallenMadonna · 14/03/2008 17:32

Nothing really changed when I stopped working. We have had joint finances since we started living together, and we still do. I think if one partner isn't happy about being the sole earner then it can be more tricky.

I would not be at all happy about asking DH for money. But then, I wouldn't have been happy about not having joint finances at any point in our relationship, and I know separate finances work very well for some people, so one size doesn't fit all.

CoolYerBoots · 14/03/2008 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

moopymoo · 14/03/2008 17:38

joint account here, its our money. though i do earn a bit counselling that goes into my own account. we tend to use this for holidays. im going back much more next year so not sure how will work it then. but i am a bit 'whats yours is ours and whats mine, mine' so its double standards all the way in our house works well

sweetkitty · 14/03/2008 17:39

On pay day DP and I sit down look at finances and then we each have a set amount of money. This goes straight into my account and we call it my wages, it's like wages it's waht I have to spend minus the bills that come from my account and if it runs out it runs out like regular wages.

It's never been an issue for us, DP is happier at work knowing the DC are at home with me and also knows childcare would be a lot of money for 2 nearly 3 DC. He's never made me feel like a kept woman or a house wife and it's his money.

TBH his career has gone from strength to strength whereas I will have to retrain at some point but you can't have everything can you?

RubyRioja · 14/03/2008 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

terramum · 14/03/2008 18:10

We've never had separate finances, even before we were married. After DH proposed we set up a joint account so we could manage what little money we had better (we were at uni at the time)....& it's stayed that way ever since.

DH knew I never wanted to be anything other than a SAHM so was happy with me doing whatever temp job I could get to help with money whilst he built his career to be able to support us both. Then I got pg with DS so I 'retired' from my latest temp job & started my new career . We don't have any issues with me being at home & him earning the majority of the money at all. It's all just "ours". Even when he was unemployed over the last 2 years we survived (albeit with a LOT of stress) with only JSA, housing benefit etc. There was no question of me going out to work instead because I already had a job - looking after DS & the house & he knew I didn't want to change that no matter how broke we were.

Mrspanic · 14/03/2008 18:11

I've been a sahm for 14 years. we have 4dcs. (I do earn a little working from home, but it's not regular and is a drop in the ocean so it isn't counted really).

We have a joint account which gets topped up from dh's business ac whenever it dips below a certain level. I never ask him for money which we both regard as ours. I facilitate what I dare to say is a successful career for the benefit of the whole family. My youngest is in pt preschool; when he's at school full time I hope to be able to earn a bit more but will always be the second earner by a large margin. Not resentful at all - my choice - I have chosen not to return to my previous profession which was well paid but would entail v. long hours for me, added to dh's long hours. The dcs would therefore see nobody but a nanny (or 2?) and a housekeeper Mon - Fri which is not my idea of family life really, not enough balance.

If I thought for a moment dh didn't respect my role, or acknowledge how hard i work in the home he'd be needing to grow a new backbone and a new pair of f*ing massive b**ocks .

Luckily for me and for him that he's not like that then

ProfYaffle · 14/03/2008 18:16

Similar to what others have said, my dh has set up a standing order to transfer some money into my account every month. i also get the tax credits and child benefit paid into my account that way i have my money and dont' ask him every time I need something. We also have a joint credit card for big purchases.

PrincessPeaHead · 14/03/2008 18:17

My DH is v proud of what I've achieved professionally
He wouldn't mind what I did either way and the money isn't the issue, but definitely the fact that I've kept up my career (albeit part time) and have reached the level I have is one of the things he really admires about me.
Also he sees me as a good role model for our children (as I do tbh). I have 4 kids too. I think it is important that they have strong working female role models around which they do in me, my sister, my mum (still working at 72) and my MIL (still working at 76). I'd hate it if all they saw was educated women who chucked in all paid work as soon as they had kids tbh.

kerala · 14/03/2008 18:20

We operate as a team (sounds naff but works for us). His bit earns money my bit doesnt but is no less valuable (in fact in his opinion what I do is MORE valuable than what he does). We have a joint account and think no more of it.

kerala · 14/03/2008 18:28

Think the role mode thing is overplayed (but then I would!) Sure a small child would rather a parent around than off "being a role model" not sure the under threes take much note of that [hmm}

TheFallenMadonna · 14/03/2008 18:33

That does rather assume that once a SAHM, always a SAHM.

I have worked of course, and will work again once dd is in school. While I have been not working I have done another degree. DH is pretty proud of what I've achieved as well. And I think I'm a reasonable role model for my children.

PrincessPeaHead · 14/03/2008 18:55

I was also a SAHM for a few years so I wasn't assuming that
But a lot of mothers I know have no intention of ever going back to work and I think that is odd, personally

Novicecamper · 14/03/2008 19:02

No, not remotely. I do work but earn a lot less than dh because I work from home now having given up my well paid 'career'.

It makes absolutely no odds to us and our relationship - all the money goes into one account, all the bills etc come out of it and we both spend from it as we please.

Money no big issue here and I just can't see why people separate it.

The way I see it - each partner contributes different things to a family/household. Just because some of those things are not rewarded financially (i.e. childcare, housework, errands, shopping blah blah) does not make them any less valuable. It's all got to be done to make a family work and run smoothly. Why should one party be financially penalised just because they make a choice for the whole family that means they don't earn so much money, but actually leads to more smooth and calm running of the household?

If I worked full time I'd be paying a childminder or club for morning and evening childcare and I'd be paying a cleaner probably too. Plus, I'd be missing out on time with my children - no thanks.

Thankfully my dh sees the logic and never been something that's an issue for us.

lizziemun · 14/03/2008 19:02

No, but i have a very generous DH even before we had children he paid all the bills and i only bought the shopping (but he does earn 3 times as much as me).

When he gets paid he gives me cash for the shopping, always asks if i need more halfway through the month. I have a creditcard in his name to buy any extras that we may need (eg children clothes). He has never queried what i spend on it.

In the 10yrs we have been together he has never been anything but generous. I am just thinking about doing a course which well help for when i go back which he is paying for and encouging me to do.

He is defferently not about me being a sahm as there is no way he would cope, and understands how hard it is.

As others have said we operate as a team, he has a job and earns the money for us to live and i look after the home and family. It works for us as we understand what each of us does for family life.

pickie · 14/03/2008 19:03

joined account here as wel. I find/found it very difficult to justify spending money on me so Dh has opened an account for me and puts some money in there every month and moans if I dont spent it!

Novicecamper · 14/03/2008 19:06

'He wouldn't mind what I did either way and the money isn't the issue, but definitely the fact that I've kept up my career (albeit part time) and have reached the level I have is one of the things he really admires about me.'

Agree pph - dh is in some awe at how much I manage to do in terms of work/earnings, all childcare stuff, all housework, manage finances etc. He knows he's got the easy option (although that's not to say he doesn't work hard).