SAHMs - does the fact you don't work 9in the paid sense) affect your r/ship

[micegg]

I just ask out of curiosity really. I am currently on mat leave with DC2. I returned to work on a PT basis when DD1 was 10 months but our circumstances have changed since then and I am seriously thinking of giving work up for a few years. Its early days but so far DH thinks its a good idea. I am hesistant because DH does tend to (occasionally) express jelaousy at me working PT let alone not at all. I am also uneasy on relying on him for money when my mat pay stops. How do you deal with these issues? On the other side of it, since returning PT my career had nose dived whereas DH has taken off. I have to admit I have been a little at times at the opportunities he has had. Its not a major problem but just something else to consider.

My DH is glad I gave up to move abroad with him, as I am less stressed. He envies me having time to do things I want to do, so he gets to go fly his glider at weekends, whilst I have DS, and we watch DVDs, do 12 year old boy things together...normally entailing him explaining Warhammer to me and then telling me I can't kill his troops, and beating mine into a pulp.

I do 'work' in that I organise the rental of our house in UK, and sort out things for that, and I also mark GCSEs in June each year, so that when I buy DHs Christmas present, I have earned the money and not just spent his.

I am going to do my MA over the next three years, so that I can work again when I go back to the UK, and have more subject knowledge. He thinks it'll keep me off MN!

The money has never, ever been an issue for us. He respects what I do and would be happy for me to spend more than I do. I respect how hard he works and try not to waste money. He pays a standing order into my account each month and I also get some income from a rental property.

Of all the SAH concerns, feeling 'dependent' has NEVER been one.

PrincessPeaHead why do you think it's odd for a mother not to go back to work?

Well, I think it's odd too tbh. To never have any intention of going back to work.

My sister is like this.

She has 2 children who are at school from 8.30 to 3.30 & she has no intention of ever going out to work. They aren't loaded or anything, she just says she doesn't want to go to work. Her dh does want her to look for work but she just doesn't want to.

I am in the position where I am a student but have a job waiting for me when I finish my course.. I can't want to get out there & make a career for myself. I loved staying at home with my children, it was very rewarding & very difficult, but I also can't wait to do something else.

My dd is very proud of me. She has told her teachers this week of my job offer & has also told everyone she meets!!
It's funny when I clean the house from top to bottom & do the ironing & wipe the windows she doesn't show quite as much enthusiasm

I think the key to making it work is to get all the issues out on the table and make sure you share the same attitude, particularly to money (who controls it) and time (whose is seen as more valuable).

We have a joint account which everything goes into (I have been full time SAHM and now earn some money freelancing but nothing near what I used to). All the bills and joint spending comes out of that. We also both have our own pesonal accounts which we pay the same amount into from the joint account each month to cover bits of personal spending.

We've agreed that the money is 'ours'. I would hate to have to ask for money or to feel that somehow I only had money because my DH was feeling generous. We are both contributing to making the family work but I do more of the unpaid stuff and DH does more of the earning money.

Time is the other thing. I think its really important to make sure you both have the same amount of free time each week. Depending on work and the age of your children that might only be a half hour lie in one morning a week, or it might be much more. But the point is that we've both been working hard all week and we both need time to ourselves. None of this 'he works hard all week so needs to relax at the weekend but its ok if I spend all weekend doing childcare and housework after a week of childcare and housework becuase my time doesn't matter'

I think it can only work if the money is put in a joint account or if some automatically gets transferred to the SAHMs account each month tbh... it will only store up problems if DH pays all the bills and then the SAHM has to ask for anything else.

Its hardly fair either is it? You are both working hard, yet after the bills are all paid the DH gets the rest of the money to spend on what he likes, when he likes and the SAHM has to ask permission for every little thing

The way we work it is to have a joint account AND seperate accounts. When DH gets paid, a big chunk of his salary goes straight in the joint account and this pays all the bills and mortgage etc. Some of the remainder gets transferred to my account and the rest stays in DH's account.
That way we both have our 'own' money to spend on what we like!
I'd hate to have to ask every time I wanted to have lunch out with friends or buy a birthday present for someone (or myself a new pair of shoes )

Oh and I pay for groceries and the kids clothes etc from my money. DH pays for stuff when we are all out together from his money (dinner out, takeaways, weekend activities etc) and anything big comes out the joint account (kids birthday or xmas presents, pram for new baby etc).
We just fell into doing it this way, but works out really well and quite fairly I think!

We have a tight budget, so neither of us can spend money without shuffling funds around. Even my husband the wage earner of the family. !!! But you can be creative i.e. I did a reduced food shop of £19.38 (down from £40) this week, so we can try a bigger shop at the weekend to bulk buy cat food for the month. Hence freeing up some food money over the next 3 weeks for food and household stuff.

But on the whole a tight budget is fair enough repayment to be able to stay at home with my DD and with another one on the way in August, I'll be out of the full time job market for a few years yet.

I agree with Princesspeahead and WallofSilence that it's very odd to give up work with no intention of returning. After all, even if you have really extreme feelings of not wanting your children to ever attend an after school club/holiday activity/CM, once they are in school, there are a good 6 hours a day that you can work without it making the blindest bit of difference!! And your children will reach a point where they get themselves to and from school, and usually are desperate for a bit of independence, chance to be with friends/chill out in front of TV. I only know a very very few women who have given up work and never gone back, and tbh they had significant problems, related to low self esteem and lack of confidence. It seems bizarre that any healthy able bodied adult thinks it's ok to be in a permanent state of unemployment while their partner supports them

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I don't think it is about the money necessarily (or at all, perhaps). The work could be completely unpaid - volunteering, being a magistrate or whatever. I do think it is more about being a useful and productive member of society, however. I know people who have children of eg 14 and 12, who don't work either on a paid or unpaid basis. I think that is morally wrong, and think that is a shocking example to send your children. Quite apart from the fact that I simply don't understand how one can have a meaningful existence drinking coffee, going to the gym and redecorating the house (or whatever the equivalent is on a low income - sitting at home and watching telly presumably).

I am a SAHM for now, my DH's pay goes into our joint bank account. If I need something for DC/myself, I will spend the money from the joint account without asking. Equally if DH needs something, he will spend money from the joint account without asking.

By need, I mean something that is essential. If either of us wanted to spend something non-essential or expensive, we have agreed it must be discussed with the other one first (unless it is very cheap).

I do feel a bit looked down on sometimes because MIL considers that DH is "keeping" me and this makes me feel upset (I have a 2yo and am about to give birth again and have been very ill with both pgs!). When I do go back to work, my earning potential will have been damaged so I do feel a bit vulnerable like that I suppose.

PrincessPeaHead - excellent last post. Yes, it's not just about the money, it's about having a useful role in society. I too am shocked when I occasionally come across mums of older kids who don't work, don't volunteer, don't do anything for charity... it really does make you question what the hell their life is about. And I agree that it's a terrible example for their children. I often wonder, how would the mum feel if their kid left school at 16 and just sat around all day - I bet they'd have a real issue with it which would be totally hypocritical!

So, if you can afford not to be in paid employment, should you then take a job to justify your existence that someone else might really need?

I am not in paid employment at the moment as I gave up my job to move abroad to be with DH. I cannot work out here as I am fluent in neither Flemish nor French; and to get a job in Belgium that pays anywhere like the net salary I had in UK, you would need to speak both. The English requirement isn't a problem.

I could go back to teaching in an International School here, but they don't teach my specialization, and supply teaching is lucrative, but intermittent, and I don't need to work financially. If we stay out here until DH retires as is possible, then I can't see myself going back to work. I don't suffer from low self esteem or have a lack of self confidence either, but am enjoying the chance to have time off and indulge my interests for a while.

Both my DS and DH like the fact that I don't work, and I don't consider myself to be in a permanent state of unemployment - but really early retirement! I'm not a drain on the state apart from child benefit, and I really do not see why women should not be SAHMs if they want to be.

scaryteacher- of course you're not a drain on the state - as you say, your DH is working. Yours is an unusual situation, as you say that you aren't able to work due to the language barrier. I'm referring to women who don't have these restrictions but give up work to have children and never work again! That's a very early retirement!!

Couldn't you also argue that your children are your work? I'm finding that it is more important to be a SAHM now that DS is rapidly approaching puberty than before. I used to be v shocked by the amount of my students who had no parental contact at all from when they got out of school til about 2200, as their mums worked. No-one seemed to be aware of where they were or what they were doing.

I don't want 'she was a great teacher/charity worker etc' as my epitaph, but rather 'she was great mum and produced a decent human being'.

I have been lucky in that I have always managed to fit work around my childcare, but loads don't have that option, and my feel that it is better to get all the domestic grind out of the way in the 6 hours the kids are at school, and then have time for DCs and DPs/DHs in the evening.

Sorry for any mistakes but am posting whilst trying to get ready to come back to UK for a funeral tomorrow...

in answer to OP I don't think it is the case that this issue gets resolved when you make a decision and that is IT.
In fact relatioship are dynamic, things happen, feelings change pretty much on a weekly basis according to whatever is going on.

however I think it is important to talk through all of your and his anxieties, discus fears and keep talking throughout whatever you decide.
don't let things fester, imagined fears take over make sure you both feel valued, never taken for granted.
easy peasy

best of luck whatever you decide

Yes, saying that your children are your work is one argument, though pesonally I don't see it like that. Of course children need time and input, and I would never choose for DH and myself to both work until 10 at night with school age kids - that would be ludicrous! But I think being supportive doesn't necessarily mean giving up on whole chunks of your own life. In fact you could argue that the best example for kids is to see that their own parents have rich and fulfilling lives which don't revolve around them! A few of the teenagers I teach have mums who don't work, and I can't honestly see how it benefits the teenager. In fact only last week a 14 yr old girl said to me when I was suggesting that she put in a little more effort with her work because it would lead to better exam results, 'What's the point? My mum passed her exams and she does the housework and watches telly all day!' I would like my epitaph to be 'She was a great mum and a great teacher.

scaryteacher - or if you have so much time on your hands why don't you learn french or flemish (which arguably you should be doing anyway if you live in Belgium long term - only courteous to speak the language of your home country after all) and then go back to teaching? Or do something else, doesn't have to be full time, doesn't have to be paid. But if you do nothing, and think that people who are early retired do nothing (actually they are the people who completely hold the voluntary sector together, usually) then yes I think it is sad.

god I'm glad I didn't have a mother who made me her life's work
imagine the guilt on your shoulders when you left home leaving her twiddling her thumbs or the knowledge that you were the only thing fulfilling your mother... oh the pressure!

no thanks

I think one can give something back to society without depriving one's children of a happy stable and secure home life, oddly enough

I would jump at the chance. Children IMO need their Mums at this stage. I wish I could and as they get older they need you even more (or so it seems to me)

In reponse to the OP.

No, the fact that I didn't 'earn' for a number of years never made a blind bit of difference to dh.

When we met & up until after we married I earned a fair amount more than dh. When we got engaged we opened a joint bank account. From then on it was our money.

I didn't work for a while after I had dd as the place I worked in closed down & we all received redundancy.

With the redundancy money I put myself through university. I am about to graduate & over the past 3 years I have spent 'dh' money.... He never once said what I could or couldn't buy.... why would he?

But now I am glad I am earning again! I didn't buy treats before, simply because I had no reason to really... Now that I am out of the home working I have started to buy myself some bits & bobs of clothes... dressy fashionable clothes... today I got the nicest lime green & purple top to wear out on St. Patrick's night!!

PPH... re: your last post.

My mother made me & my 7 siblings her life work.

She was there when we got up & when we came home from school, when we had dinner & when we were getting ready for bed......

At the time we never thought anything of it.

Only years later have we all realised how she resented it. How lonely she is now that all 8 of us have flown the nest.

She said we were her life to the point she neglected our father... she & he split.

Imagine the immense guilt we all felt when he blamed her dependence on us as a major contribution to their split.

My mother is 68 now and very rarely a day passes when she doesn't say: "Make something of yourself, don't tie yourself at home to raise children, what a thankless task that turns out to be".......

So, I have done both. Stayed at home for as long as my nerves have been able to stick it... then got a job

I had this worry when I stopped working as I had always earned my own money and been the main breadwinner, our money has always been paid into a joint account and is our money.
It works for us as DH was a SAHD when I was promoted and was the highest earner.