Why do we just accept the gap in gender equality when separating?

[overripemelon]

Ex that barely sees his children. Can’t force him to. He manages a few weeks a year, on his terms when it suits him. Takes on zero of the mental load or upbringing responsibilities.

Why is it still seen as acceptable by society for a male to behave this way but if I walked out people would be absolutely aghast? Men are excused just for being a man.

How is it in 2023 this massive gap still exists? Do you think it will ever improve?

I'm in my late 50s, ten, twenty, thirty years ago women generally did better on divorce than men (in England and Wales).

50-50 custody, limited/no maintenance and the insulting CMS have changed that. The increased number of female judges doesn't help either because most of them have combined successful working lives and having children.

Of course if you start from the position that children are simply burdens that add nothing positive to their mother's life then women suffer on divorce because they are usually left with the children.

I don’t think it’s seen as acceptable in the uk for a dad not to see his kids after a breakup. I think it’s disgusting behaviour and I think most dads would agree with me. I’ve called out men who have done this and told a best friend who suggested it’d be easier not to see his son that I was furious with him for saying that.

not all mums are maternal either. Plenty of horrible neglectful mums out there unfortunately

I feel pretty much every aspect of society enables it.

The mentality that woman will automatically have the children, move work around them, be part time with benefits and the man leaves, starts again. If a two parents dont follow this people seem baffled, what he has them 50/50? An amazing man....nope a parent.

In courts a man will have to prove himself to have them, its not automatic as the woman is assumed to take full responsibility. But also if its difficult for 50/50 rather then thinking hes not a great parent, its what has the woman done? Alienation....a parent can just be a bit crap tbh.

Even with doctors/school they will usually always go to mum. Anything wrong? Blame mum, any issues? Only mum will know

Then cms...ugh.
If a mum is struggling paying bills/kids.
.we budget, cut back, make it work and maximise income. The amount of Im skint i pay 200 a month help..

I haven't found one part yet where a dad or a mum gets an equal expectation.

I think its frustrating on both sides. If a dad wants to be involved and mum agrees, they will still be battling regardless with outside influences.

@Pickles2023 It went 50/50 with ex-husband and I when our boys were 3 and 6; they are now 13 and 16 and due to parental alienation I only see them EOW.
I would have been happy with 50/50 under different circumstances; I strongly believe a good dad is just as important as a good mum. I went on to marry again (now hubby had no bio children when I met him) and we have a 3 yo daughter together. He is an exceptional, hands-on dad who always puts our daughter first. If we (God forbid) ever separated, I have absolute faith we would work together in her best interests.
But 50/50 (or more) with a cruel narcissist whom you have suffered years of coercive control and abuse at the hands of is simply impossible. It has, on occasion, almost killed me. Literally. My ex isn't involved in my boys' lives except for the bare minimum when they are with him; his strategy was not about loving them but all about punishing me for leaving. His words when I told him I was designing unhappy in the marriage? "You'll lose everything, bitch." He was pretty much correct.
My hearts breaks for my sons whom the court system failed to protect. I'm an adult, I get by (albeit with poor mental health at times and huge trust issues), but my poor children 😞

The thing is OP you aren’t equal because you are a superior parent. It’s not that you are lesser. At the end of it all you are better and you will have all the rewards of your relationship with your kids. You will be happier and more fulfilled than a disconnected parent ever will be.

I think that, despite all of the extra work and despite the unfairness of the situation, you got the prize. Children are good at giving back what they got, in the end, so as adults they will be interested in spending time with you and not him. Not that it always feels like that when they are young.