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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

First disagreement with partner since we got back together . Can I have your balanced opinions please?

51 replies

barrred · 10/12/2023 09:31

We re together two years. Experienced a traumatic event that changed the dynamic of the relationship.
We were both injured and unwell. I healed but he became more unwell and I ultimately became his cater on top of trying to mind myself and my family.
I couldn't cope so I ended it when there was no mutual care, by the end.
He pulled himself out from f the situation. Put the work into
Physio etc, got back to work and back on his feet.
We met up and decided to try again on an equal footing.
That was three months ago. All going great but...
My teenage child is always around. He wants to be in our company when my oartne4 is here at all times. They get on well and partner supports him in whatever he is enjoying eg sport, activities etc.
My partner is here once per week for a day and overnight.
My partner was rude to my child yesterday.
Now I am very protective and defensive when it comes to him but I was not happy.
When I pulled him up on his rudeness, partner immediately said it was fun. It wasn't.
He then commented on me ignoring hom( as I was so cross)
And I went to my child who was oblivious to any issue.
He shot down any effort to talk about it saying he felt he was being talked at and we went to bed in silence.
He got up, went to work and went a loving message about hoping he didn't wake me etc.
I told him that this freezing me out when arguments happen is over. He said that he's coming to pick up his stuff now 🙄. He was exactly like this before. Cannot handle conflict at all and doesn't know how to manage it. He's even had therapy for it .

I can be overbearing and strong, I know that. I'm am
Also super sensitive and protective of my child.
Can I have your thoughts on this please .

OP posts:

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 10/12/2023 09:36

To me it sounds like there are still massive issues and maybe you’d be best letting the relationship end. If he can’t manage conflict then it’s not going to get resolved and you’ll be in a revolving door of on and off relationship with him.

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 09:37

I think you need to share how your DP was rude to DC and what he said, otherwise we don't have the full context to answer the question.

Sholkedabemus · 10/12/2023 09:38

The biggest mistake anyone can make, is to criticise or say hurtful things to our children. You are reacting in a perfectly normal way. I think it’s over, as he has crossed a line. 💐

Original poster

barrred · 10/12/2023 09:38

Yes this the one issue that broke us the last time towards the end . I really thought that he had worked through it. I'm so disappointed.

OP posts:

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 10/12/2023 09:41

Personally I wouldn’t restart a relationship unless I was sure that the issues that ended it in the first place were resolved. It doesn’t sound like they have been.

wildwestpioneer · 10/12/2023 09:41

How old is your child?
Why was he rude?

Original poster

barrred · 10/12/2023 09:42

My child said to him.... I told you Leeds would beat Arsenal( for example.. I know nothing about footie)
Partner said ... yes you were right but two things ... one, Leeds are shite and shouldn't have won and two you still know nothing about footie.
Child doesn't know anything about footie but partner was trying to explain it to him over last few months as a shared interest.
It was said in a serious way and partner was clearly agitated.
I think he finds my child's continuous presence too much, which I understand to a point.

OP posts:

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 09:46

Just break up.

He was rude to your child. You confronted him and then ignored him. Because you were mad but not that mad you asked him to leave.

Them when you wanted to talk he shot you down and you went to bed in silence. And say he is freezing you out and you aren’t having it. After you also ignored him because you were mad.

You both did the same. But you feel you had a good reason for it. But him doing it is a character flaw.

You say he is conflict avoidant. You are over bearing. There’s a big possibility that had this trauma never happened, you still may have split up. Because of those things.

PixiePirate · 10/12/2023 09:47

That sounds like your partner putting your child in their (by partner’s perception) ‘place’. It doesn’t sound like a constructive way of dealing with lighthearted challenge.

The whole relationship sounds tense though. Perhaps it’s just not meant to be. The current situation sounds hard on all three parties. Even if the child was oblivious to the latest issue, they’ll be looking to you to model healthy relationship dynamics.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 09:49

barrred · 10/12/2023 09:42

He is there a day and one night.

Why would you want to be with someone who can’t be doing with your child around, In your child’s own home, for 24 hours?

FairyPolka · 10/12/2023 09:50

I wouldn’t be with someone who was rude to my child. It doesn’t sound like this relationship is making you happy. I’d rather spend the time with my child.

Original poster

barrred · 10/12/2023 09:52

When I say my child is around, I mean he is literally in every room bar the bathroom and bedroom with us all of the time. That's to give context.
Truth is I don't remember ignoring but I was very upset about him being rude. I felt it was a nasty and uncalled for thing to say.
Am I being unreasonable on this point?

OP posts:

Epidote · 10/12/2023 09:54

Let him go. I didn't work before and it is not working now.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 10:00

barrred · 10/12/2023 09:52

It’s your child’s home!

If he wants to visit a girlfriend who doesn’t have a kid around in the kids own home he needs to date someone without kids.

He was rude. You aren’t wrong. But if you were that mad you were ignoring him why didn’t you just tell him to leave? You were really mad so just have felt he was really rude. Why would you have him there?

But you do remember ignoring him because you said you ignored him because you were mad.

Also you told him freezing you out with there’s an argument is over. That’s absolutely your right and I agree it’s a bad thing in relationships. But since you also do it, it’s clear it’s not just something he needed to be working on. And he has a right to say he doesn’t want to do this anymore. you basically said ‘I can ignore you, but if you do it back it’s over’. It’s ok for him to feel this is working.

and it’s not. And it’s not pleasant for your son. You say he didn’t know, but if your dp was so rude, your ds must have noticed. In which case he must have expected you to stand up for him. So he must have suspect some conflict was occurring.

In an argument you can reasonable and unreasonable. Your original point can reasonable but then you can go on to be unreasonable. Especially if you handle conflict in differing ways. Or if you both do similar things but insist the other person is flawed for doing that thing, whilst it’s ok for you to do it.

Newgirls · 10/12/2023 10:00

Do you and your boyfriend have space? Do you go out without teen? Sounds like the boyfriend has been trying to get on with teen but got tired of it.

ideally he would say ‘I want to spend less time with your kid and more with you’ but would you even want that? Sounds like you are at different stages of life

wildwestpioneer · 10/12/2023 10:05

It was nasty and uncalled for. Tbh if your partner struggles with your dc being around all the time, then it's time he went and found someone without dc, this isn't the relationship for him.

Original poster

barrred · 10/12/2023 10:13

Well he's come back.
I've asked him if we can sort this out but as I ignored him yesterday evening ( do not remember context but do remember being cross) he just is not in the middle of to talk to me.
He glided over the comments to my child and freezing me out since.
It's all about how I ignored him yesterday evening when he asked me
Something and then, me asking why he would want to
Come back here this morning when he so clearly didn't want my company .
So he's gone .

OP posts:

Original poster

barrred · 10/12/2023 10:25

To give context for clarity, in the past , except
Towards the end of the relationship , when we had a disagreement ...

He stormed off
Refused to try to sort things
Ignored me for days
I begged and pleaded( until I stopped that nonsense eventually)
He would come back and I would end up nearly apologising.

Towards the end
He stormed off
Refused to try to sort things
Ignored me
Started to send texts as excuses for contact
I would respond
We would skip back into the relationship..

He did it once too often at the end of the relationship so I finished it for a year.
He had t therapy, convinced me that he could
Deal with conflict( as I felt that as there was always conflict in life, we would need these tools to be a couple)
This has been our first disagreement and he behaved the exact same
Way as he did previously.
He will be waiting for a call now .
Hell will freeze over ....

OP posts:

category12 · 10/12/2023 10:42

Well, you gave it a shot, but nothing has changed, he still has the same pattern of behaviour when there's disagreement.

And someone who barely tolerates your son isn't someone you should inflict on the lad. He won't always want to spend as much time with you, you should enjoy it while it lasts 🙂

You're doing the right thing by not calling your partner. End it here and get out of this toxic cycle for good.

Original poster

barrred · 10/12/2023 13:01

Would I be unreasonable just to end it now? No more of this and stop contact?
I see my place in this.
I was seething and he knew exactly why but child was in the room for that time so I obviously didn't address it then. I just had the conversation going round and round in my head. I guess I couldn't believe that partner had been so nasty and for my son to get embarrassed and just say ..'oh' .
I simply could not bear the falsities of talking to him there and then.
I addressed it as soon as child was out of earshot. That's when he denied and attacked, looking for an apology for me ignoring him.
Am I missing something here ?

OP posts:

furtivetussling · 10/12/2023 13:06

"Am I missing something here?"

Your first loyalty has to be towards your dc. That's all there is to it.

Theunamedcat · 10/12/2023 13:07

Your missing your spine mdear end it because it's not working don't look back move forward life is too short

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/12/2023 13:10

Oh, fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Move on. Enjoy your kid - and he'll be able to enjoy being with you without some dickhead boyfriend constantly trying to knock him down.

Original poster

barrred · 10/12/2023 13:12

So was I unreasonable to react as I do to those comments ?
And subsequent shut down ?

OP posts:

Tsha73 · 10/12/2023 13:16

If you can't communicate this won't ever get resolved.

He sounds like my ex partner. He would ignore me all night if he was upset or challenged about anything.

It all came to a head when he picked on my daughter on holiday - she was oblivious but that was the end for me.

Relationships shouldn't be a struggle - follow your peace of mind.

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