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Relationships

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Original poster

Understanding the mental load

53 replies

Mmmpomello · 09/12/2023 17:57

Hi everyone,

I am really struggling with my partner to engage with me emotionally and understand the mental load. He does a lot for me practically, helps with work and will go out of his way in this area, e.g. does all the cooking. He works 9-5 and I am freelance with often very intense jobs, and also have ADHD which means that I really do need practical help to just get through life at times.

However, he doesn't understand that I take on all the mental load of the relationship. I organise our social life, events, holidays, etc. in addition, whilst he does help with jobs, I often need to ask or still be involved so the mental load isn't removed. Most importantly I seem to be completely responsible for our emotional connection. He is very emotionally unavailable, hates talking about anything and doesn't understand that practical help doesn't make up for a complete absence of emotional help. Our sex life is crap and he can be very distant, won't ask me questions etc and I feel very lonely.

I appreciate that one way out of this is to break up. This is our second try, so I know I can be strong here if I need to. However I would really like to try and get through to him. He's not doing it on purpose - he's quite damaged from childhood and from having to look after himself and his siblings so he just doesn't know how.

I'm going to look at counselling (guess who will suggest and organise it!) But does anyone have any practical advice on how to address this, if you've been in the same position and something has helped? I know you can't change a person but you can work together at understanding each others needs.

Please no 'he's a waste of space/LTB', I'd like to see if things can improve and help us both before it gets to that.

OP posts:

Autumn1990 · 09/12/2023 17:59

I just sent him a link to your should have asked cartoon and things improved. He does need a refresher reminder every so often

TheGrimm · 09/12/2023 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Mmmpomello · 09/12/2023 18:28

Right... That's kind of you. How do you figure that one out? It's not ecotystical to be exhausted by the mental load and need for this to be shared responsibility between two people in a relationship, just like other aspects of the relationship like chores. It's a common issue particularly with women.

By counselling I mean couples counselling because we cannot communicate about it without him being defensive.

It's perfectly ok to recognise something in your relationship that needs working that needs work from your partner.

OP posts:

TheGrimm · 09/12/2023 18:35

Being passive aggressive by saying ‘that’s kind of you’ for me simply saying how you come across to me in your post indicates to me that maybe your partner is afraid to be more proactive in your relationship because he is wary of a similar response from you.

cigarettesNalcohol · 09/12/2023 18:39

No advice I'm afraid. To a certain extent I believe all men are like this in one way or another. My husband helps around the house and plays his parts BUT I carry more of the mental load. Just bear in mind the grass isn't greener on the other side. I know my husband is a good partner and I wouldn't be able to find better but my frustrations with him are manageable and the good parts out weigh the bad bits but if this isn't the case for you I think being single could be easier. Not better. Just easier in that respect, I.e no one to feel resentful towards. Just don't break up with him thinking you can find the perfect guy because he really doesn't exist.

Original poster

Mmmpomello · 09/12/2023 18:40

You've got it completely wrong. I am the one who is afraid to bring it up because of his reaction. He is not afraid to be proactive, he is proactive in some ways but not in all ways that are needed to the relationship to survive.

If you haven't got the advice I've asked for please move on. I've posted about something very specific which of course won't give a complete view of our relationship.You don't know me or my relationship and aren't in the position to judge and it's not welcome.

OP posts:

cigarettesNalcohol · 09/12/2023 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What ?! Please leave this thread as you clearly are trying to wind op up.

TheGrimm · 09/12/2023 18:45

I’m not judging you there is no need to be so defensive I’m just offering you my perspective you can’t expect to come on a forum and ask a question and get the answers only you will agree with. Hopefully, you can see that your response to my observations and perspective only further reinforces in my mind my point of view when commenting on your heading ‘understanding the mental load’. I’m not saying I am right I’m just giving you my perspective based on the words you have written.

Original poster

Mmmpomello · 09/12/2023 18:46

@cigarettesNalcohol I really get that, and we work well in other areas. But the emotional connection is just fading because I can't keep it up, and it builds resentment when we don't do anything unless I organise it. He is very used to being independent and a lot of his needs are met by himself, so it's about getting the understanding that if he wants to be in a relationship then there needs to be some movement away from single life behaviour. Sometimes I am just completely ignored all day because he doesn't see that need for connection, he's quite happy to relax by reading a book. But we can't do that together and I can't be in a relationship where I feel like I'm nagging my partner for connection.

I think part of it is that he just knows that I will do it if he doesn't. Like getting a Christmas tree, etc. he'll just wait for me to bring it up. He may then go and get the tree if I ask, but it's not a task I can then forget about if that makes sense?

I doubt that many people would go to the lengths he does in our 'practical' life, which is why I want to make it work. But I am at the point where I have tried so hard to ignore this that I can't anymore.

OP posts:

Begsthequestion · 09/12/2023 18:46

TheGrimm · 09/12/2023 18:45

Edited

I can't see how op is being egotistical. Where?

Original poster

Mmmpomello · 09/12/2023 18:48

@TheGrimm you haven't given any advice,which was what I specifically asked for, and you've specifically judged me as being ecotystical. Please leave my thread.

OP posts:

Rainbows89 · 09/12/2023 18:48

It’s not uncommon for women with ADHD to partner with men who are autistic.

do you think he could be autistic OP?

if so you can read about relationships between neurodivergent couples which might be more helpful than standard relationship advice

Rainbows89 · 09/12/2023 18:51

I’m sorry I said that SO bluntly. I could have worded it better.

i just think it’s a lot easier to
improve things when you know what to look for if that makes sense

category12 · 09/12/2023 18:52

Would he be amenable to counselling on his own?

If he has unresolved trauma issues from childhood, relationship counselling isn't really going to touch the sides.

TheGrimm · 09/12/2023 18:53

I will leave your thread as I can see it is all about ‘you’ at this point (which is the impression I got after reading your OP).

I did give advice I agreed Counselling was a good idea and suggested you can’t blame your unhappiness solely on the flaws you identify your partner as having.

You do come across on your posts as a very aggressive defensive person.

Justfinking · 09/12/2023 18:57

Well obviously don't have kids. I also think the mental load doesn't really exist if you don't have kids, because if you're doing everything then you're enabling it. Just don't do those things. Alternatively write down a list of everything and divide it up. He actually sounds like he does a lot and I don't also think you're using ADHD as an excuse, make changes to your life if you can't cope don't expect someone else to do things for you.

Original poster

Mmmpomello · 09/12/2023 18:57

@Rainbows89 I'm not sure if he's autistic, but I think he is very selfish, not deliberately, but because he's looked after himself and lived 'his' life for a long time. So he thinks about what he wants to do, and wants alone time. He'll see my/our friends when I arrange it and is on the group chats, but wouldn't arrange anything with them himself unless I asked. We do fun things together but I organise them. He may have something in mind or in the pipeline but doesn't offer the information - it will come up in passing so I feel like I still have to fish for the information/arrange it, if that makes sense.

He never says he loves me, but I know he does, so I try and understand that his love language or whatever is acts. So he'll show he cares by taking the dog out when I'm tired or cooking. But I have to ask for it. Whilst I'm looked after, I feel like it's something I have to manage. Like if I'll ask for a massage, but he won't offer one. He also never asks me questions and our communication is very transactional, he'd much rather be on his phone.

It really is crap and not good enough in many ways. I've been in tears about it several times and have asked him to think about it, but that's the end of it for him, back under the carpet. But like the previous poster said, it's a balance about the good and bad. I don't expect him to be perfect, but I envision a very lonely future life and I can't have that.

OP posts:

Justfinking · 09/12/2023 18:59

The emotional distance thing seems crappy though, that may just be his personality. Maybe try counselling for that or accept that you're not compatible

Purpleraiin · 09/12/2023 19:02

I'm assuming you have likely tried to speak to him about this many, many times before. How does he respond/react?

Original poster

Mmmpomello · 09/12/2023 19:02

@Justfinking I'm not expecting him to make it so I can cope with life. I'm saying that he is very helpful in many ways practically, and I am grateful for that.

There definitely is a mental load without kids with activities, social life, dog, household bills, etc.

I definitely enable it. I like/need to be organised, and like I mentioned , he'd quite happily read a book or go to the pub if nothing was planned. If I didn't do these things, we'd do nothing and I'd have zero affection from him. And I'd leave. But I don't want that, he is surely capable of taking some responsibility for this area of our relationship.

OP posts:

Curlywurlycaz2 · 09/12/2023 19:03

Have you looked into attachment styles? It sounds like he is avoidant and you are anxious. There is lots of stuff to read online which explains it a lot better than I could. But it is worth the read.

This was the problem in my relationship TBH. I have now split with my ex so I can't really give you tips on how to fix it. Most of the advice I've read online about fixing this kind of relationship seems to centre on the anxious person being less anxious. Which did leave me feeling a bit annoyed TBH as the anxious person. Because why should it be me who has to change and not have my needs met. But it has taught me useful tips for future relationships and communication. In short, avoidants don't understand their own emotional needs let alone any one else's and you need to be clear at spelling everything out to them. I was bad in my relationship for not asserting my own needs so I know in future relationships, I need to communicate my needs better.

mathanxiety · 09/12/2023 19:06

There's a book called Wifework, by Susan Maushart, that he should read.

I doubt he's interested though. I doubt he's interested in any change that would mean he would have to put in effort when he's making none now. Why should he when there is no consequence for him for his stonewalling and lack of respect for your time and energy?

Ignore the crap about 'love languages' - he's lazy and he's treating you badly.

The big question here is why ending the relationship is not on the table for you at this point. You don't have to answer here, but maybe take a look at the sunken costs fallacy. Also, ponder the idea that clapping isn't possible with one hand.

Curlywurlycaz2 · 09/12/2023 19:06

So, having read your update, you need to point out the obvious to him of 'I feel neglected when we don't go out and spend time together. I would like you to plan something for us to do together every weekend.'

catsanddogsandrabbits · 09/12/2023 19:14

You want different things. I would hate someone organising the social life and "running" a relationship - and then complaining about it. People use this expression mental load - there's no need for it. You are two adults. Don't do it. If you are still happy - great. If not, time to go your separate ways.

Original poster

Mmmpomello · 09/12/2023 19:16

Thanks. He is lazy in one sense, and also deep down I think he just doesn't care. It's not important for him, so it's not important to me. I am definitely the anxious people pleasing type, not for myself but I just yearn to make him happy. But I am spending more time thinking about what I need. Leaving is very scary for me, I really do feel awful when single (I grew up an identical twin) and we have a dog together, and he gets me in some ways. My other relationships have been a disaster of emption abuse so it's more better the devil you know.

I think deep down I would like to be able to give it one more shot, and then be ok leaving. But I know the grass isn't greener and I just don't think there is another relationship out there for me.

OP posts:

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