Understanding the mental load

[Mmmpomello]

Hi everyone,

I am really struggling with my partner to engage with me emotionally and understand the mental load. He does a lot for me practically, helps with work and will go out of his way in this area, e.g. does all the cooking. He works 9-5 and I am freelance with often very intense jobs, and also have ADHD which means that I really do need practical help to just get through life at times.

However, he doesn't understand that I take on all the mental load of the relationship. I organise our social life, events, holidays, etc. in addition, whilst he does help with jobs, I often need to ask or still be involved so the mental load isn't removed. Most importantly I seem to be completely responsible for our emotional connection. He is very emotionally unavailable, hates talking about anything and doesn't understand that practical help doesn't make up for a complete absence of emotional help. Our sex life is crap and he can be very distant, won't ask me questions etc and I feel very lonely.

I appreciate that one way out of this is to break up. This is our second try, so I know I can be strong here if I need to. However I would really like to try and get through to him. He's not doing it on purpose - he's quite damaged from childhood and from having to look after himself and his siblings so he just doesn't know how.

I'm going to look at counselling (guess who will suggest and organise it!) But does anyone have any practical advice on how to address this, if you've been in the same position and something has helped? I know you can't change a person but you can work together at understanding each others needs.

Please no 'he's a waste of space/LTB', I'd like to see if things can improve and help us both before it gets to that.

Like PP said maybe ask him to organise something for the weekend. I think you do need to realise this may just be different personality types and you can't force him to change, but you can try of course and he may just not realise and need some direction. It's great you're recognising this now as this will really wear on you 10-15 years down the line, you'll basically be married to a boring bastard and probably start resenting it, ime.

I don't know a woman that is not doing all that, remembering everything, booking everything, organising everything/one buying everything then husband helps around the house a bit.
Both working full time with kids but mum bares the brunt.
I just get on with it then i know it's done

As I said, I have now split up with my DH. I am happier in a lot of ways. But I am also kind of sad that I didn't learn about anxious avoidant and codependency while we were together. I do wonder if I had done the work while we were together, could it have worked out? Because we had a lot of good together. He's shagging someone else now though 🙄so he's burnt his bridges with me for good.

Honestly, I think it's unlikely that he will change and it sounds like a mostly one way relationship, especially emotionally.

I would focus on what you can change since you can't change him so you need to stop enabling his behaviour. I'd also consider the language you use, doing things around the house isn't doing things 'for you' or 'helping' because that implies that cooking, cleaning etc is ultimately your responsibility and he's helping you as a favour when the house belongs to both of you and you are both equally responsible.

I don't but then it's something I wouldn't accept, I've ended relationships for less.

Thanks everyone. Tasks and such I wouldn't mind as it could definitely be seen as my contribution to our shared practical responsibilities... He cooks, I organize what we do. It's more the emotional connection and the fact that it very much makes me feel like he doesn't see me as a priority, and he doesn't care about my feelings. Out time together feels too driven and organized by me which saps the joy out. E.g. every night it's my responsibility to ask what we fancy doing together, watching a film, play a game, alone time, whatever. If I don't do this, he'll just go and sit down on his phone. I feel like if he wanted to spend time with me I wouldn't have to ask, which makes me really sad. This is why we broke up the first time.

I actually asked him to leave tonight and we are spending the night apart. Of course it was me who got in touch asking if he was ok after he left in the middle of me having a panic attack. Sadly I don't think he'll also be proactively thinking of how to address it but at least I can be prepared to tackle it tomorrow.
:(

it sounds like he doesn’t really care very much about how you feel and if he is avoidant then like someone else alluded to, he probably doesn’t even understand his own needs let alone yours. You may be better suited with someone else.

@SouthLondonMum22
Oh I couldn't break up our family unit and take my 5 year old away from her daddy for this, it would take much more

That’s why it never lasted. I knew I wouldn’t marry them or have children with them.

From reading your posts, it sounds like your treatment of him is emotional abuse. Being happy enough with the things you like about him and then constantly trying to change him to fit your needs, a lot of put downs in your last post. A get a very bullying vibe. I suggest you work on yourself and leave him to find someone who can love an accept him for who he is.

Why do you think that?

There are no combination of words in the world to make him understand. They don't understand until you stop doing it, it really is black and white. Let whatever you can go/fall apart and be pragmatic about it. It's hard to let go and watch carbage but you really have to try to be nonchalant about it because letting him deal with the consequences is the only way he will really see.

You share a life with him, it's not 100% on you to keep that life ticking along.

Me too.

Most women I know who accelt doing it all married either for love and love only, or the first man who would have them.

Hopefully my daughter will be as picky as I was and not end up someone's skivvy.

As someone who has experienced emotional abuse this is offensive and just completely incorrect. Wanting and needing your partner to contribute to the emotional aspects of a relationship is normal. How does this possibly count as abuse?

It may feel offensive hearing a different opinion. You did ask on a public opinion forum.
The person meets some of your needs very well as you described, but not others. You sound like you've explained this to him and he has been unable to change his behaviour. You don't want to leave him but you demand he still change to meet all of your needs.
You got back together with this man even though you had experience of how he is in a relationship with you. You compare yourself to him to make yourself look like you are better than him, it sounds like a competition the way you describe things.

What stood out most for me was...

'actually asked him to leave tonight and we are spending the night apart. Of course it was me who got in touch asking if he was ok after he left in the middle of me having a panic attack. Sadly I don't think he'll also be proactively thinking of how to address it but at least I can be prepared to tackle it tomorrow'

'Of course it was me' 'Sadly I don't think he'll' this is where your condesendening tone is very clear. Accepting what you like about them, putting a partner down when you don't, pitting yourself against them to feel a victim...these are all signs.

Do you have a history of toxic relationships? Do you have any history of code pendency?

Like I said, my opinion is to work on yourself. Become emotionally stable within yourself. Be happy with yourself. Then look to share that with someone who you can love and accept for who they are too.

Take care.

This, Im afraid

Its not a concept I had come across until this site, its made up really (well every concept is made up really)

But some things are just not important to others, so if you didnt do them OP, they wouldnt get done, so he might not be bothered that the social life didnt get organised or arranged. You would be bothered I assume and therefore you do it for you.

Theres a bit of a narrative on here that if an OP didnt do x and y and z, their partner would soon shape up and do the x, y and z. But this isnt necessarily the case because x, y and z isnt really on their radar, they dont care about them being done, not interested and not affected.

All men are not like this.

It sounds like you're not very compatible in terms of your personality and attachment styles. Maybe you need to think about why you're slogging on in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs?

It sounds like you want and prioritise different things, but that what you want is the default 'correct' option. Maybe it's not important to him that you have a Christmas tree? Maybe it's not important to him that you meet up as a couple with your friends? Maybe he doesn't want to have his week planned out and would rather be more spontaneous?

And not to be unkind but you mention a crap sex life. Maybe he is thinking that as he doesn't get what he wants out of the relationship (physical closeness, the freedom to have his wishes respected), there's no real motivation for him to give you what you want?

I think the concept of mental load is useful in some situations, but I don't really believe that it's relevant here. This isn't so much about you carrying the mental load for your relationship imo as it is about you wanting different things and not understanding what's important to each other.

Mental load doesn't exist in a child-free relationship. It just doesn't. You divvy up the chores and get on with your share. If you want him to do more, tell him which bits and leave him alone to do them.

Most importantly I seem to be completely responsible for our emotional connection. He is very emotionally unavailable, hates talking about anything and doesn't understand that practical help doesn't make up for a complete absence of emotional help. Our sex life is crap and he can be very distant, won't ask me questions etc and I feel very lonely.

No one is "responsible" for an emotional connection. It's there or it isn't. Being a practical person who doesn't talk about his emotions is who he is, that's his personality.

When you're in a relationship with someone you get who they are, you don't get to mould them into who you want them to be. It seems very much like you're incompatible. He's chilled-out and unemotional. You are definitely not chilled-out (I actually feel a little stressed myself reading about how organised you want your life to be). You're sexually incompatible which is even more important.

You say you don't want us to advise you to leave him. But if you stay you have to accept that this is who he is and he's not going to change, and you either love that or you don't. It's fine not to. And being on your own is much less lonely, and much more liberating, than being with someone you don't love.

I appreciate the recent comments and maybe yes it is down to being incompatible, but either I haven't explained things well or people are assuming that I'm sort of bullying my partner into behaving the way I want, not respecting his needs, or being overbearing. That's not the case.

@YRGAM These things like a Christmas tree, socialising, sex etc are equally important to him but as he knows I will sort them, he doesn't. He applies that thinking to too many things so I get burnt out. He has specifically said that when we've talked about it, and he knows he needs to do more. Part of that is me stepping back and handing things over to him but that needs cooperation and help for him to understand why something is a burden. I never don't respect his wishes. I am always thinking about him and his needs usually come first.

@Knaveofcups I am not being condescending and I certainly am not being abusive. I am upset and being truthful about who will have to initiate the steps to resolve it. He doesn't necessarily know how to do it as he is very avoidant and that's something he's recognised. I am allowed to be affected by my partner's behaviour - if someone posted the same about needing their partner to take on more physical jobs they wouldn't be told they were being abusive. Please don't make this all out to be me being a damaged person, and don't put words in my mouth like I see it as a 'competition' or that I am demanding anything from my partner that he can't give. This isn't all about my needs, it's about taking some joint responsibility for our needs. We both want it to work, these things are important to both of us, but we have fallen into a pattern of me taking responsibility for them. I'm not prepared for X and Y (joint things like organising the dog) to just not happen because I stop doing them.

@gannett there absolutely is a mental load without children. Household jobs and responsibilities still happen without children. It's not just all swanning about having coffees and light lunches. I do not over-organise things, but some of life does need organising and we can't always be spontaneous because of the dog, work and other people's availability. Again it's fallen into the pattern of me doing it. Work can come as very intense periods with no room for spontaneity so if there's no planning to make the best use of time then life can be unfulfilling and a slog in busy periods.

I'm going to step away from this thread now because I don't accept being called abusive. I have experienced emotional abuse. It is important for my needs to be met as well as my partner's and a relationship does need work from both sides. Noone should be criticised as nd shot down because they are recognising that a relationship needs work and are trying to make it stronger. I do a great deal for my partner and our relationship, and so does he, but it needs a rebalance which we both recognise.

I didn't put words in your mouth. If you read my comments I said to me it appeared that way. Sometimes we can't see our behaviour when we are entrenched it in, getting defensive won't solve anything.

What is it you asked for? What can I say to make my partner change to fulfil more of my needs? How can I make them change to make me more happy? How can I make him feel bad enough to do as I want? Or was it just to be validated that you are a victim but also better than him?

It sounds like you are happy with taking the cooking and doing practical things for you but you want more and therefore he is somehow responsible. You sound really selfish with narcissistic traits. These sometimes happen through feeling of low self esteem, hence my suggestions for looking inward...ask yourself when you first felt entitled to having all your needs met and you perceived this not to have happened. I suspect that's where you'll find some answers and stop the cycle of toxic patterns.

Good luck.

Op i understand your problem as mostly emotional connection? Not chores as such, but that you dont feel important to him?
Your posts resonate so Much to me and i am surprised so Many giving you hard time. Because you put into words excactely what i could not.
I left. 18 months ago. He was like you described and maby i could stay married as so Much was ok, but i just could not keep having sex with him as he was so emotionel closed. I still miss him sometimes. Married 12 years. But the emotional lackings was too hard. I kept explaining. Hoping i could just put into words in a different Way so he would understand. But he never did and obviously didnt Care enough to try to learn. Being good at housework is not enough.
I wish you all the best

Why do you want to stay with him?

If the sex is crap then you're just unhappy housemates.