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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Understanding the mental load

53 replies

Mmmpomello · 09/12/2023 17:57

Hi everyone,

I am really struggling with my partner to engage with me emotionally and understand the mental load. He does a lot for me practically, helps with work and will go out of his way in this area, e.g. does all the cooking. He works 9-5 and I am freelance with often very intense jobs, and also have ADHD which means that I really do need practical help to just get through life at times.

However, he doesn't understand that I take on all the mental load of the relationship. I organise our social life, events, holidays, etc. in addition, whilst he does help with jobs, I often need to ask or still be involved so the mental load isn't removed. Most importantly I seem to be completely responsible for our emotional connection. He is very emotionally unavailable, hates talking about anything and doesn't understand that practical help doesn't make up for a complete absence of emotional help. Our sex life is crap and he can be very distant, won't ask me questions etc and I feel very lonely.

I appreciate that one way out of this is to break up. This is our second try, so I know I can be strong here if I need to. However I would really like to try and get through to him. He's not doing it on purpose - he's quite damaged from childhood and from having to look after himself and his siblings so he just doesn't know how.

I'm going to look at counselling (guess who will suggest and organise it!) But does anyone have any practical advice on how to address this, if you've been in the same position and something has helped? I know you can't change a person but you can work together at understanding each others needs.

Please no 'he's a waste of space/LTB', I'd like to see if things can improve and help us both before it gets to that.

OP posts:

Knaveofcups · 15/12/2023 11:12

pinkyredrose · 15/12/2023 11:06

Why do you want to stay with him?

If the sex is crap then you're just unhappy housemates.

Perhaps feeling superior and having someone else to blame feels good to some people.

ReginaPhalange1989 · 15/12/2023 12:04

Curlywurlycaz2 · 09/12/2023 19:03

Have you looked into attachment styles? It sounds like he is avoidant and you are anxious. There is lots of stuff to read online which explains it a lot better than I could. But it is worth the read.

This was the problem in my relationship TBH. I have now split with my ex so I can't really give you tips on how to fix it. Most of the advice I've read online about fixing this kind of relationship seems to centre on the anxious person being less anxious. Which did leave me feeling a bit annoyed TBH as the anxious person. Because why should it be me who has to change and not have my needs met. But it has taught me useful tips for future relationships and communication. In short, avoidants don't understand their own emotional needs let alone any one else's and you need to be clear at spelling everything out to them. I was bad in my relationship for not asserting my own needs so I know in future relationships, I need to communicate my needs better.

This is good advice. (The attachment style research part)

Please listen to Rikki & Jimmy on relationships, or look Jimmyonrelationships on instagram / ticktok / youtube. Some amazing advice for you both - if you can get your partner to engage in the advice it would really help your situation. R.E attachment styles Rikki Cloos has an amazing book about Anxious attachment.

The second part of the above post is less good IMO. Why wouldn't you want to change unhealthy / toxic traits in yourself? Nobody is perfect, everybody needs to work towards the better version of themselves.

If he refuses to engage / make an effort to change then you have your answer. It takes 2 people to make it work

Hont1986 · 15/12/2023 13:10

Out time together feels too driven and organized by me which saps the joy out. E.g. every night it's my responsibility to ask what we fancy doing together, watching a film, play a game, alone time, whatever.

Maybe he just doesn't want your time together to be driven and organised? It would drive me crazy if my partner felt the need to ask me every night what activity we going to do together.

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