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Original poster

How do you get past cheating?

55 replies

Helloisitmeyourelookingforxo · 09/12/2023 13:57

I've been with my partner for two years. Last year, during the lead up to Christmas, he cheated on me with his ex whom he shares a child with. They temporarily reconciled, conveniently once she knew I was becoming a serious fixture. They spent Christmas together, he was in touch with me until I informed her of this, and I blocked him.
I found out about them sleeping together because she messaged me, he however, continued to stay with me until I found out and dumped him. To be very honest, I was absolutely heartbroken. He was the first serious relationship I'd had in three years after my divorce.
He left shortly after Christmas, because he felt he had made a mistake and did not want to continue with her. He was honest and told her he still loved me. I received a letter in the post, and we began talking through things. This caused masses of grief, and his ex was rather vicious towards me. I got blamed for being a home wrecker etc, despite the fact he had ended things with her before we began speaking again.
I have never, ever returned to someone who has cheated, but if I'm honest, I've never had a relationship like we have. I know people will judge and be negative about my choices, I respect that, but that's my choice to make.
My question is, how do you overcome this kind of experience? We talk through things often, but I am extra anxious due to the time of year and the 'what if's' of it all. He reassures me constantly that it was a mistake and he went back for all the wrong reasons, reasons of which I do understand. How do I move on from this?

Thank you

OP posts:
StrugglingwithmyMH · 09/12/2023 14:02

They have a child together. He should be with her not you or anyone else

Rainydays777 · 09/12/2023 14:03

StrugglingwithmyMH · 09/12/2023 14:02

They have a child together. He should be with her not you or anyone else

Helpful 🙄

Opentooffers · 09/12/2023 14:10

That's why most people wouldn't go back, because moving on means finding someone with more loyalty. He didn't move back just for the DC's, as they were having sex also, and it was his ex who told you, not him. So him saying to her that he still loves you (if that is even how it went down) does not give him sudden integrity.
Life was probably too real for him, having to be a dad at home too, takes the fun romance away. Now he can hide out with you and avoid family responsibilities - nice. Don't think about having a DC with him any time soon, he hasn't grown up yet.

TheCadoganArms · 09/12/2023 14:11

I didn't.

Sorry, you have one chance.

tuttifuckinfruity · 09/12/2023 14:14

StrugglingwithmyMH · 09/12/2023 14:02

They have a child together. He should be with her not you or anyone else

??

I think you're projecting massively @StrugglingwithmyMH
Just because some woman has a child with him does not mean she should be lumbered with him ffs!!!

OP, he's treated both you, and his ex badly.

Move on. He's a liar. I think he's behaved too badly for you to ever be able to trust him again.

Milliemoos5 · 09/12/2023 14:15

I don’t believe you can move on this situation. Him and his ex obviously have some kind of ‘hook’ between them which they both keep going back to. It very likely will happen again

Susieb2023 · 09/12/2023 14:28

I am reconciled but I really wouldn’t advise anyone to stay with a cheat when there are no long term financial ties or children’, particularly in a fairly new relationship.

He cheated a year into your relationship, when things were new and fresh that shows a real deep seated flaw in him. He has treated the mother of his child appallingly and shown you exactly who he is.

I know you want people to say this can work but I can’t see how. A person who has cheated is 3/4 times more likely to cheat in any subsequent relationship than someone who has never cheated. Simply put he can say all the right things but you are taking a huge risk, he’s an unsafe partner and I’m not sure what the benefits to you are?

toddlermam · 09/12/2023 14:30

StrugglingwithmyMH · 09/12/2023 14:02

They have a child together. He should be with her not you or anyone else

Eh 😂 me and my child's father aren't together - happily moved on and my child has two wonderful homes. Why on earth should he be with her just because she's the mother of the child?

Both women are well rid of him

Dontbeme · 09/12/2023 14:32

The anxiety, the dread, the worrying and the constant paranoia are the cost you pay for being with him OP, if you want this relationship with him that's the price. You know what he's capable of, whether you can live with that knowledge is up to you.

From personal experience no relationship is worth it.

AIstolemylunch · 09/12/2023 14:33

Why on Earth did you get back together with him?

I don't think there's a way to ever be ok with what he did a year into your relationship.

Original poster
Helloisitmeyourelookingforxo · 09/12/2023 14:35

Thanks all for the judgement.

Does anyone actually have experience and constructive advice?

Thank you

OP posts:
keye · 09/12/2023 14:36

I've never had a relationship like we have.

...

We talk through things often, but I am extra anxious due to the time of year and the 'what if's' of it all. He reassures me constantly

I would say be grateful you have never had a relationship like you do with him because what you describe is no way to live.

You are asking for something no one can help you with. He lied, cheated and treated you like absolute crap. You are anxious, more so at this time of year. He did that. Him.

keye · 09/12/2023 14:37

Helloisitmeyourelookingforxo · 09/12/2023 14:35

Thanks all for the judgement.

Does anyone actually have experience and constructive advice?

Thank you

That's judgement is advice.

You are choosing to put yourself though all this for someone that's didn't think twice about you

Original poster
Helloisitmeyourelookingforxo · 09/12/2023 14:39

So my question is has anyone had experience of overcoming this?

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 09/12/2023 14:39

I will give you my personal experience. My ex cheated and I took him back. Every time he went out I was anxious, my self esteem went and in the end I left as once the trust has gone it’s gone. My constructive advice is move on with your life. Your partner had so little respect and love for you that he went shagging behind your back !!! He css as b skin you whatever you want to hear but he’s a cheat.

SunflowerTed · 09/12/2023 14:41

Helloisitmeyourelookingforxo · 09/12/2023 14:39

So my question is has anyone had experience of overcoming this?

You can pretend to overcome it for a while. You can play happy families for a while until you realize you have been massively betrayed

Susieb2023 · 09/12/2023 14:43

I am reconciled but my advice stands. I am experienced at this but I still think you’d be making a huge mistake. I believe in reconciliation when I can see clear benefits for the family unit. There are no benefits here.

This man didn’t just cheat, he left you, over Christmas, without looking back. He then played on the emotions of the mother of his child and his child who has probably suffered terribly with his selfish coming and going.

You are unsafe in this relationship.

2chocolateoranges · 09/12/2023 14:44

I don't believe you can get over this if you stay with him.

His ex is always going to be in his life due to sharing a child. So the thought of him cheating will never leave.

It's only been 2 years, my advice would be concentrate on yourself and move on .

I have a friend who's partner cheated on her with an ex. She eventually left him after having a baby and he is now married to that ex!

Dontbeme · 09/12/2023 14:46

SunflowerTed · 09/12/2023 14:39

I will give you my personal experience. My ex cheated and I took him back. Every time he went out I was anxious, my self esteem went and in the end I left as once the trust has gone it’s gone. My constructive advice is move on with your life. Your partner had so little respect and love for you that he went shagging behind your back !!! He css as b skin you whatever you want to hear but he’s a cheat.

Similar experience here, he cheated after 18 years together, I tried everything to heal the relationship he cheated again, he said that when he saw my reaction the first time he knew (to quote him) "it was gloves off, he could do whatever he wanted", so that was that. I googled the username he used on one hook up site and it brought up a page that people book prostitutes through, so I got to read his reviews that he wrote after being with them, one woman he described as "value for money", so I moved on. I am likely never to have another relationship again, I just don't have the stomach for it. There is the me before he cheated and the me after, the after version is tired, brittle and hollow.

FlissyPaps · 09/12/2023 15:51

Helloisitmeyourelookingforxo · 09/12/2023 14:39

So my question is has anyone had experience of overcoming this?

Everyone is different OP. Every single one of us have different morals, boundaries, expectations etc.

Speaking to someone else who has overcome cheating will not have any affect on your life or situation. It’s pointless asking.

Only you can decide how you want to move forward with this.

ChateauDuMont · 09/12/2023 15:54

I personally wouldn't get over it as I regard myself highly and wouldn't waste my time with anyone who also didn't have a high regard for me.

It's not like this chap is the only man in the world.

Believing8nSanta · 09/12/2023 16:25

I mean ... 20 years ago my DH kissed another woman and I'm still not over it ... so don't think you ever move on. Once someone screws up you always have doubts and never 100% trust this person. You are the only one that can decide whether this suits you or not. :) have in mind this woman will always be in his life ...

manipulatrice · 09/12/2023 16:42

You don't in essence.

There is no forgiveness or forgetting. The best you can hope for is acceptance that it happened and a way to move forward.

I personally would be staying well clear. You will never have a clean break situation as he will be tied to her forever because of their child.

Opentooffers · 09/12/2023 16:52

You are chosing to not listen to the advice. The advice is, and will always be, to end it in order to move on. Just because you are after advice in how to stay with him, doesn't mean you will get it.
If children are involved, there's a reason to try and 'get past it', but as you don't, there is no reason to accept and move on from being treated like dirt.
Nobody with self-esteem will advise you how to stay with him, as the answer is to not.

misssunshine4040 · 09/12/2023 17:28

Quite honestly you won't get past it.

You were a pawn in their break up and they both used you for their own gain.

You will end up resenting her as she will always be around. You will never fully trust him. She will be the elephant in the room evermore.

I have been in this exact situation and hung around way too long. I know the pain but honestly, staying hurts too.
Get yourself someone who didn't have to think twice about choosing you.