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Original poster

How do you get past cheating?

55 replies

Helloisitmeyourelookingforxo · 09/12/2023 13:57

I've been with my partner for two years. Last year, during the lead up to Christmas, he cheated on me with his ex whom he shares a child with. They temporarily reconciled, conveniently once she knew I was becoming a serious fixture. They spent Christmas together, he was in touch with me until I informed her of this, and I blocked him.
I found out about them sleeping together because she messaged me, he however, continued to stay with me until I found out and dumped him. To be very honest, I was absolutely heartbroken. He was the first serious relationship I'd had in three years after my divorce.
He left shortly after Christmas, because he felt he had made a mistake and did not want to continue with her. He was honest and told her he still loved me. I received a letter in the post, and we began talking through things. This caused masses of grief, and his ex was rather vicious towards me. I got blamed for being a home wrecker etc, despite the fact he had ended things with her before we began speaking again.
I have never, ever returned to someone who has cheated, but if I'm honest, I've never had a relationship like we have. I know people will judge and be negative about my choices, I respect that, but that's my choice to make.
My question is, how do you overcome this kind of experience? We talk through things often, but I am extra anxious due to the time of year and the 'what if's' of it all. He reassures me constantly that it was a mistake and he went back for all the wrong reasons, reasons of which I do understand. How do I move on from this?

Thank you

OP posts:
Raspberrymoon49 · 09/12/2023 17:31

When trust has been blown apart I don’t think you can ever truly put it back together, the cracks will always show

WhamBamThankU · 09/12/2023 17:55

Me and my ex worked through it... for about 5 years till he did it again.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/12/2023 18:06

@Helloisitmeyourelookingforxo

You might possibly forgive, but you'll never forget.

Cheating is like breaking a plate from your favourite set of china. You may be able to glue it back together again, but you'll always know it was broken and the repaired cracks will always be visible to you. And every time you look at it or use it you'll see the mended cracks and remember how and why it got broken. And because it was broken and mended, it will always be very fragile and apt to break again so you'll have to handle it with extra special care.

If you're happy to live with that mended cracked plate and a constant fear that it'll get broken again, you do that. But personally I'd rather throw that cracked plate out and buy a nice new one. One that I don't have to worry about.

ReadySalty · 09/12/2023 18:13

You will never be able to get over it. It stays with you. Once you know tang someone can deceive you in the most hurtful way and do it repeatedly for their own gratification then you know that when push comes to shove - they'll pick their own whims every every time.

Morewineplease10 · 09/12/2023 18:14

My ex cheated. I found out. Tried to kick him out, he wouldn't go, swore he'd never see her again ..

Spent a couple of months trying to make it work, I became paranoid, anxious, lost weight couldn't sleep, became ill basically and had to go on meds.

He then left me agsin for her.

So I would say don't do it. That is my advice- and many other women's on here too.

The reason you're not getting what you want to hear is because there aren't any princes who cheat.

Because good men don't cheat. The end.

Rainydays777 · 09/12/2023 18:29

I have a friend whose husband cheated on her for the entirety of their 8 year marriage. One night stand before the wedding. Multiple long term affairs throughout. Including both her pregnancies. And the death of her mother.

she found out about the last one, he confessed all of them, had spent tens of thousands of pounds on her, and she still stayed with him. The mind boggles.

a couple of years later he was still chasing and pining after the latest OW.

basically, they don’t change… I couldn’t do it.

Jamjaris · 09/12/2023 18:35

If you stay with him after his diabolical treatment of you, his ex and child then he knows he can do what he wants behind your back or even right in front of you as he knows you are desperate to be in a relationship with him.

Believing8nSanta · 09/12/2023 18:56

.

doriszinkeisen · 09/12/2023 19:03

Once a cheat always a cheat.
They have a history and a most importantly a child together so will be in each other's lives because of the child. They can't do a clean break even if either party wanted to.
Save yourself the future heartbreak and get it over with now before you waste any more time on a cheat.

doriszinkeisen · 09/12/2023 19:11

My personal experience of overcoming cheating was anxiety/tummy issues, insomnia, lots and lots of crying, being appalling in work, internet stalking, mild alcohol abuse, a very expensive psychotherapist, an education in narcissistic personality disorder and a tremendous growth in self worth. It took ages.
My ex was a shit. You'll see this too in due course.

Dolly567 · 09/12/2023 19:15

Get rid
Can't imagine how he made you feel
Dirty boy

ChristmasPuddy · 09/12/2023 19:16

Sorry but I would never get over that. It is better to be single than with a man who treats you that badly.

DatingDinosaur · 09/12/2023 19:30

“How do I move on from this?”

I don’t think you can. It will always be in the back of your mind, especially as they have a child together so he can hardly erase her from his life.

“So my question is has anyone had experience of overcoming this?”

Not personally (because nobody gets the chance to cheat on me twice), but my friend tried again with her cheating ex. She was riddled with self doubt and suspicion. I got a bit sick of hearing about it, tbh - she was constantly trying to catch him out (stalking his SM when he was out without her). And then he did it again. She blamed herself for missing "the signs", then had a nervous breakdown and has never been the same since.

LittlePudding1 · 09/12/2023 19:40

As much as you try to overcome it, you never will. It will always be there in the back of your mind and you'll never fully trust him again
Why live your life like that?
Move on and find someone else who will treat you well and give you the respect you deserve in a relationship

heartbroken22 · 09/12/2023 19:44

Do you feel like you can completely forgive and trust him again? It all depends on how you feel

writingsonthewall · 09/12/2023 19:47

StrugglingwithmyMH · 09/12/2023 14:02

They have a child together. He should be with her not you or anyone else

Dear god Confused

EyeInTheSky23 · 09/12/2023 22:09

He was shagging and schmoozing her behind your back, you didn't know til she told you.

When he officially got back with her, he was the schmoozing you behind her back - til you told her.

Why do you think he's trustworthy or honest?

He was honest and told her he still loved me

Call me simple minded but if he's really loved you, he probably would have put his ex and their relationship in the past and focused on his relationship with you, and only you. Instead he was shagging her again. So either he didn't really love you, or him loving someone is no obstacle to him shagging his ex/another woman.

Cosywintertime · 09/12/2023 22:12

Well they need to co parent, so I guess you will always feel insecure as they need to stay in touched, I’m not sure I could be with a guy who cheated on me like that, but knowing they need to stay in touch and co parent and he still fancies her and has feelings would be too much for me,. Good luck op. You made a hard choice, I hope it works for you.

Cosywintertime · 09/12/2023 22:13

He was honest and told her he still loved me

yeah op, cmon, he wasn’t saying that when he was trying to get her into bed.

EyeInTheSky23 · 09/12/2023 22:14

Maybe you're caught up in a little bitchy competition with her over him. You think you've won. Some prize you've won though. It's all a bit Jeremy Kyle.

He fucked up your young relationship, end of. He wasn't ready to move on. Who knows how he'll be from now on, but he's certainly comfortable cheating and lying and keeping two women on the go.

You don't have to make it work just cause it's your first significant relationship since divorce.
One of the biggest mistakes divorced women make is to feel like their next significant relationship has to work out, has to be successful, has to go somewhere...as if it's going to vindicate them in their divorce or prove they're worthy of love or not dysfunctional or something.

It doesn't and it won't.

How it goes is just chance. And chance served up an enmeshed lying cheater, no matter how he acts from now on. You don't trust him and you have trouble getting past it because your brain is working correctly! Stop trying to overrule it.

It doesn't have to work out with him, you can meet someone else, don't be so invested after two years during which he cheated with and then went back with his ex.

Tomatoketchupred · 09/12/2023 22:16

StrugglingwithmyMH · 09/12/2023 14:02

They have a child together. He should be with her not you or anyone else

🤣

Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/12/2023 22:22

Helloisitmeyourelookingforxo

im sorry he’s behaved awfully
to you and , I know you don’t want to hear this , and to her

I don’t think you will ever to be above to forgive and move past this
this woman will always be around
but also he’s not nice and will always make you worry x

you have to beleive that there is a life without him and that it will be eventually , better

Pinko1 · 09/12/2023 22:36

@Helloisitmeyourelookingforxo I think it's all about self esteem. Do you think you are worth someone who treats you that way? What if the partner of a daughter did that? Would it be OK? For me, I know i deserve what my friends have, ie a man committed to them fully. Anything less isn't enough for me.

I briefly dated a man whose wife had left him for another (married) man. To cut a long story short, that affair ended and she wanted her husband back (ie my date). He went back to give things a go. Clearly he couldn't let go but also on some level I think he felt he deserved that behaviour because he had that low self esteem.

NotSorryForTheReality · 09/12/2023 22:40

StrugglingwithmyMH · 09/12/2023 14:02

They have a child together. He should be with her not you or anyone else

The 1920’s called, they want you back…

rockymimosa · 09/12/2023 22:49

I don't have experience but I don't think this will be straightforward. He was with her then you then her while he was still with you then back to you again? It's not great is it. They have a child together so will always need to be in touch. It's not like he can block her and move on from it. If she is vicious and malicious is it really worth all of the drama over someone who clearly can't make up his mind and has been proven to be untrustworthy?

This isn't judgement by the way, it's honest advice based on the info you've given.