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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Seriously considering ending my relationship - AIBU?

73 replies

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 09:58

Together 2 years. Both in our early 40s, both divorced with kids living with us. We don't live together and live about 75-90 mins apart depending on traffic.

When we first met, we were both clear that we were dating with a view to getting married, not just long term dating. Two years on, I'm no closer to a proposal or even to living together and I'm beginning to think we'll never get there. (Yes, I could ask him but I'm sure he'd say not yet.)

There are practical difficulties to moving in together (neither my children nor his child can easily be relocated) but I'm of the mindset these could be overcome if we both really wanted to. Or we could get engaged and plan a long engagement as mine are teens and won't be living with me forever. But he doesn't want a long engagement. I'm not happy staying with him on the 'promise' we'll do it when my kids leave home, it's just not enough of a commitment for me.

On top of that, I rarely get compliments, I do the bulk of the travelling, I rarely get time to myself as he expects to see me/us every weekend (with no understanding of how tiring the travel is) and he has no filter so sometimes the things he says really hurt me (comments on my size, a 'joke' that he's the 'best I can get' but he could do better and I'm lucky he doesn't want to) and he just doesn't seem to get it. Apparently it's just how all men are and I have to accept that. I don't think it is...

When we're all together as a family, we do have a good time. He's funny and gregarious and he does do things for me like cook for me and buy me nice things.

But I just don't feel it's going anywhere. Interested in views on whether I'd be over-reacting to tell him that I think I'm just going to focus on my children until they fly the nest.

I've tried talking about it with him but we just go round in circles.

OP posts:

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 08/12/2023 10:03

If you're not happy with how things are right now, a proposal won't change anything. It does sound like he's quite comfortable with the current arrangement. If you are not and discussions get you nowhere, then it's not unreasonable to end it.

DriftingDora · 08/12/2023 10:05

This is not 'just how all men are' by a long chalk. Your fourth paragraph says it all. He'd be gone - why waste any more of your time on someone who doesn't respect you and cracks unfunny jokes thinking he's hilarious? He sounds childish and immature.

You have years to find someone much more worthy of you - and you will. And that's what you should be telling him. Get him gone.

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 10:05

I do the bulk of the travelling, I rarely get time to myself as he expects to see me/us every weekend (with no understanding of how tiring the travel is)

Why?

It should be 50-50.

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 10:09

he has no filter so sometimes the things he says really hurt me (comments on my size, a 'joke' that he's the 'best I can get' but he could do better and I'm lucky he doesn't want to) and he just doesn't seem to get it. Apparently it's just how all men are and I have to accept that. I don't think it is...

Lovely.

And would it be a joke and just the way women are if you commented on his dick size/paunch/whatever and said that you're the best he could get but you think you could do better?

This is not a joke, not funny, and kinda deal breaking tbh.

I think many people would be been very tempted to say "why are you with me then, go and do better, you can do better right, so why are you deigning to date and fuck me? You're clearly doing yourself down, I wouldn't like you to do that in life, you should date your level, do fuck off (and I'll see who I can get instead)".

CrunchyCarrot · 08/12/2023 10:10

the things he says really hurt me (comments on my size, a 'joke' that he's the 'best I can get' but he could do better and I'm lucky he doesn't want to)

😱That's dreadful, OP! I was in two minds reading your post till I got to this part! Why make such a hurtful 'joke' if he's supposed to love you? Honestly I do think this relationship isn't good for you and if you did end up marrying things would likely go downhill further.

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 10:10

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 10:05

I do the bulk of the travelling, I rarely get time to myself as he expects to see me/us every weekend (with no understanding of how tiring the travel is)

Why?

It should be 50-50.

And it possibly shouldn't be every weekend.
He's rather entitled and demanding of your time, for a man who thinks he could do better.

FLRT · 08/12/2023 10:14

Based on what you've said here, OP, I would be ending it. Commitment aside, the disrespectful and demeaning jokes are not acceptable and speaks volumes.
I'd end it, focus on enjoying your free time not travelling, and you may meet someone else who makes you happier.

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 10:15

What he said, to me, falls under two possible explanations;

He really thinks that. He let it slip, then he tried to pass out off as a joke/male banter.

He thinks the opposite, is insecure and wants to slyly put you down and make you feel you can't do better than him (while he could) and he's doing you a favour dating you; so you don't get rid of him, and so you're grateful and malleable. You'll do what he wants when he wants it. Like seeing him every time he wants and doing the bulk of the travelling. And doing it without commitment.

You seem to be rather fixated on remarrying and commitment - why?

He's not showing you good traits for a second (?) husband. So why are you so determined to marry him/marry at all?

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 10:20

He's funny and gregarious and he does do things for me like cook for me and buy me nice things.

He's only funny some of the time. The rest of the time he thinks being "funny" is commenting on your weight and telling you he could do better than you, but you couldn't do better than him.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 08/12/2023 10:20

That’s who he is. He’s unlikely to change ( especially since there doesn’t seem to be anything else he wants from the relationship). You are putting in more, and taking out less. If it was making you happy, fine. But it obviously isn’t.

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 10:21

Anyway, you're doing the bulk of the travelling and presumably staying at his, so why wouldn't he be cooking some meals for you (?)

And being bought a nice thing sometimes should be fairly par for the course in a relationship.

DinoDays · 08/12/2023 10:22

Good grief my lovely raise your standards. Dump and run!

You can get much better than him!

asplashofmilk · 08/12/2023 10:22

You can end a relationship for any reason you want. Personally I don't think he sounds that bad (aside from not sharing the traveling) but it doesn't matter what I think, it's whether you're happy that counts here.

I think it's a huge deal to blend families especially when teens are involved and doubly so when it would involve moving - so I'm not sure how realistic your plans are there if I'm honest.

Original poster

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 10:24

I'm not determined to marry him as increasingly I'm feeling I don't want to marry him. My point is more that I'm not interested in dating just for companionship/sex. It's important to me that it's going somewhere. If it's not, I'd rather be single.

I don't want to marry just anyone or to marry the wrong person. But I do want, one day, to marry again. Dating for me is working out if that's the person I want to marry. And I don't think he is...

I honestly find it really hard to work out if he believes what he says or is just trying to get a reaction/insecure. There are things in his past that I can understand would make him insecure but he insists he isn't.

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 08/12/2023 10:25

You sound much more into him than he is into you. But he doesn't seem that great.

AgnesX · 08/12/2023 10:26

Just for the remark about he could do better I'd give him the boot. What a shitty thing to say once never mind repeatedly.

I think you know in yourself he's selfish and taking advantage. Please don't waste any more time with this nasty individual.

NotAllWhoWanderAreLost · 08/12/2023 10:27

You are worth so much more than this OP and deserve so much better!

I remember many moons ago an ex boyfriend sat looking at me, then saying “ah, I could do better”

well, as it turns out, I did way better myself with my bf after him, who is now my DH.

the positive in all this, is that choose what happens or who you may or may not meet afterwards, you’ll appreciate your situation and value yourself so much more.

gannett · 08/12/2023 10:28

You don't sound like you're happy in the relationship either in terms of being treated well in the moment or working towards future goals together so isn't the question more - why would you seriously consider staying in it?

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 10:28

You have the wrong approach to relationships. You have decided you want to remarry (presuming you were married before). You seem to be in a relationship to get married. But your goal is making you ignore the important stuff; like the character of the person you're in a relationship with.

Youve listed several things that should have made you at best take a long time to evaluate the relationship and not commit; yet you're fixated on the commitment and the marriage. You're not examining the man and the health/good function of the relationship.

You mention some good points, but also mention (arguably more) bad points.

You're supposed to be seeing if this person is a good fit for you, a really good partner, that you're a good match for each other, that it will make you happy, that it is a healthy relationship ... Then getting into commitment gradually if it is proven to be that. But you've already decided it needs to end in marriage and are ignoring/minimising all the things that suggest it won't be a good relationship for you, and fixating on if and when you're going to get married.

Why do you want to marry someone who makes you do the bulk of the travel, insists on seeing you every weekend - even though you're doing the bulk of the travel and you're tired, has made comments about your weight, and worst of all has communicated to you (whether his true thoughts or nasty put down from insecurity) that he thinks he could do better than you??

Bonbon21 · 08/12/2023 10:31

And if you couldnt do the running... what would his reaction be? Would he doubledown and make the effort to get to you?
And if he thinks crushing you with a comment is funny, makes you feel shit, why are you accepting that... regardless of how 'good' he is the rest of the time?
You seem to be putting a lot into this relationship while he is coasting.

Maybe YOU are the one who could do better... with someone who respects you.

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 10:33

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 10:24

I don't want to marry just anyone or to marry the wrong person. But I do want, one day, to marry again. Dating for me is working out if that's the person I want to marry. And I don't think he is...

Ok I posted before I read this post.

I still think you're focused on if and when you're going to marry him, when you shouldn't be thinking of marrying him at all.

Arguably he should have been dumped by now.

What does it actually matter where his comments about being able to do better than you come from? It doesn't make it ok even if it is insecurity.

It's still abuse even when people abuse you due to insecurity.

Original poster

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 10:33

@EyeInTheSky23 I see the things you listed as being all part of deciding if someone is the person you want to marry. I don't think there's anything wrong with that being the end goal and it can weed out time wasters to be clear on that.

But I agree that maybe the fact that he was talking about marriage early on made me pay a bit less attention than I should to some of the red flags.

OP posts:

Original poster

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 10:35

Also my dad thinks he's controlling....
And my dad doesn't comment much.

OP posts:

Wimpeyspread · 08/12/2023 10:36

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 10:35

Also my dad thinks he's controlling....
And my dad doesn't comment much.

Listen to your Dad

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 10:37

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 10:35

Also my dad thinks he's controlling....
And my dad doesn't comment much.

If a normally diplomatic/tactful person goes as far as to say something like this about your partner ...... It says a lot.

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