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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seriously considering ending my relationship - AIBU?

73 replies

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 09:58

Together 2 years. Both in our early 40s, both divorced with kids living with us. We don't live together and live about 75-90 mins apart depending on traffic.

When we first met, we were both clear that we were dating with a view to getting married, not just long term dating. Two years on, I'm no closer to a proposal or even to living together and I'm beginning to think we'll never get there. (Yes, I could ask him but I'm sure he'd say not yet.)

There are practical difficulties to moving in together (neither my children nor his child can easily be relocated) but I'm of the mindset these could be overcome if we both really wanted to. Or we could get engaged and plan a long engagement as mine are teens and won't be living with me forever. But he doesn't want a long engagement. I'm not happy staying with him on the 'promise' we'll do it when my kids leave home, it's just not enough of a commitment for me.

On top of that, I rarely get compliments, I do the bulk of the travelling, I rarely get time to myself as he expects to see me/us every weekend (with no understanding of how tiring the travel is) and he has no filter so sometimes the things he says really hurt me (comments on my size, a 'joke' that he's the 'best I can get' but he could do better and I'm lucky he doesn't want to) and he just doesn't seem to get it. Apparently it's just how all men are and I have to accept that. I don't think it is...

When we're all together as a family, we do have a good time. He's funny and gregarious and he does do things for me like cook for me and buy me nice things.

But I just don't feel it's going anywhere. Interested in views on whether I'd be over-reacting to tell him that I think I'm just going to focus on my children until they fly the nest.

I've tried talking about it with him but we just go round in circles.

OP posts:
madaboutmad · 08/12/2023 11:58

It’s almost like you want the validation of him wanting to marry you, but you’re forgetting about what you really want as a person and partner.

let him go.

MargotBamborough · 08/12/2023 12:07

It doesn't sound like you are compatible.

At your stage of life, with two teenagers, you should be prioritising them. Their education, their hobbies, your relationship with them. In a few short years they will probably have flown the nest and then you will wish you had prioritised your time with them rather than this man who doesn't even sound very nice.

If he won't even come and visit you where you live there is zero chance he will ever move in with you and you can hardly uproot two teenagers at this stage in their education to go and live with him, so I don't think this relationship is going to give you what you want.

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 12:08

We have quite different upbringings. He's dismissive of the fact I'm privately educated and so are my children for example

What has he said about that? Sounds like another chip on his shoulder.

Sounds like he feels you need brought down a peg or two hence the dismissal of your education, alongside the weight and 'i could do better than you but you couldn't do better than me" 'jokes". He wants to bring you down. Not a basis for a decent relationship.

That's on top of him being selfish and wanting everything to suit him.

Original poster
historiccastles · 08/12/2023 12:12

It's his house, he owned it with his ex-wife. She moved out and in with another man, he bought her out. His mum moved in to help with childcare ostensibly but really I think it's a very odd relationship for an adult son and his mum.

And yes I've said to him there's really no reason his mum can't look after his child while he comes to mine but it doesn't seem to happen.

I think I've convinced myself...

OP posts:
PineConeOrDogPoo · 08/12/2023 12:13

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 10:24

I'm not determined to marry him as increasingly I'm feeling I don't want to marry him. My point is more that I'm not interested in dating just for companionship/sex. It's important to me that it's going somewhere. If it's not, I'd rather be single.

I don't want to marry just anyone or to marry the wrong person. But I do want, one day, to marry again. Dating for me is working out if that's the person I want to marry. And I don't think he is...

I honestly find it really hard to work out if he believes what he says or is just trying to get a reaction/insecure. There are things in his past that I can understand would make him insecure but he insists he isn't.

This reminded me of this talk :

Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

This video sees Alain de Botton, Creator of The School of Life and narrator on the majority of our videos, talking at a Google event in London in 2017.Book C...

https://youtu.be/-EvvPZFdjyk?si=EzqbAsLYVSF_tU1f

CatMadam · 08/12/2023 12:14

‘comments on my size, a 'joke' that he's the 'best I can get' but he could do better and I'm lucky he doesn't want to’ I beg of you to leave this loser of a man!

Original poster
historiccastles · 08/12/2023 12:19

@EyeInTheSky23 just comments about how working class people are better than middle class people, how my kids are growing up in a 'rarefied' environment and I'm not preparing them for the real world, how I 'wasted' my teenage years.

OP posts:
EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 12:26

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 12:19

@EyeInTheSky23 just comments about how working class people are better than middle class people, how my kids are growing up in a 'rarefied' environment and I'm not preparing them for the real world, how I 'wasted' my teenage years.

Yeah I dated one of those ..... They're losers with a chip on their shoulder/inferiority complex.

Working class people are better than middle class people....sounds highly rational.

He wouldn't even be mentioning it if he didn't have a chip on his shoulder. If he wasn't aware you being out of his league in some ways

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 12:29

how I 'wasted' my teenage years

I think he's mixing up wasting with "getting wasted" by the sounds of it lol.

Nobody's wasted their teenage years if they enjoyed them.

And his teenage years sound way too far along the partying/getting wasted spectrum anyway. Wtf were his parents thinking.

Original poster
historiccastles · 08/12/2023 12:29

In every way apart from my size, I'm a good catch. So I guess it makes sense he picks up on that. And I know I'm obese and I know I need to lose weight. But he's no Adonis and there are things more important than body size. I'm smart, I'm kind, I work hard and I'm a good mum. That should all count for something with someone one day...

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 08/12/2023 12:30

Trust your gut and trust your father.

LusaBatoosa · 08/12/2023 12:30

Why are you tolerating all this? What for?

Newestname002 · 08/12/2023 12:33

@historiccastles

Sounds like you know what you need to do to improve your life - and it's not staying in a relationship with this negging individual. Thank goodness you can see your own worth and willing (I hope) to do something about the situation you're currently in. Listen to your dad - and your own gut. You deserve better than what he's able, or wanting, to offer. 🌹

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 12:34

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 12:29

In every way apart from my size, I'm a good catch. So I guess it makes sense he picks up on that. And I know I'm obese and I know I need to lose weight. But he's no Adonis and there are things more important than body size. I'm smart, I'm kind, I work hard and I'm a good mum. That should all count for something with someone one day...

A large part of the UK population is strictly speaking obese.

I sell on eBay and I don't even bother trying to sell smaller sizes most of the time. And I can't sell boots that don't have stretch sections.

So you're probably average.

Anyway, I notice lots of women who look 14_16 and above, for example, get partners no problems; because many men aren't that bothered, they like a bit of feminine "curvage" (I say that as a skinny Minnie). If they dress nicely and have a nice face and an upbeat attitude, they pull no problem.

As you say, there are things that are equally or more important.

Plus these men are not 6 packed, full haired silver foxes so .....

Vinrouge4 · 08/12/2023 12:34

Nothing about him sounds appealing. It sounds like he is making you more unhappy than happy.

Original poster
historiccastles · 08/12/2023 12:37

I'm more a size 20 (though I'm tall) and now my kids are creeping up to size 14/16 so I do need to do something about it. But I'm not going to do it because some arrogant man tells me so, I'll do it for my and my kids' sake. And I'll probably do it after Christmas because .... you know, food.

OP posts:
EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 12:38

So I guess it makes sense he picks up on that

He is not a nice, well adjusted person to behave like that.

If he doesn't want to date someone who's above a certain weight/size then he shouldn't. No-one is forcing him to. It's entirely his choice. If he thinks he could get "better" than he can go and try to get better. The fact that he hasn't and won't, says it all. He probably can't. Or he'd rather take what he can get but then torture them with comments like this and try to put them down and make them malleable/grateful. What a lovely person.

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 12:41

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 12:37

I'm more a size 20 (though I'm tall) and now my kids are creeping up to size 14/16 so I do need to do something about it. But I'm not going to do it because some arrogant man tells me so, I'll do it for my and my kids' sake. And I'll probably do it after Christmas because .... you know, food.

If you're tall, you probably look a couple of sizes down.

Exactly ... re. the reasons for losing weight.

Anyway, I dread to think what the fuck hes going to come out with to put you down and put himself above you - if you lose weight and the only thing he's got on you disappears. How's he going to salve all his chip on shoulder-ness then? Wouldn't want to hang around for that.

Foxblue · 08/12/2023 12:42

He sounds awful tbh - it's a very dim person who can't think of any better 'jokes' than insulting their partner who clearly doesn't enjoy the 'jokes', never MIND all the other stuff. You can do better.
It is better never to marry again than marry the wrong man.

Original poster
historiccastles · 08/12/2023 12:43

@EyeInTheSky23 you've really cheered me up today, thank you.

Both my teens are girls and I've brought them up not to take any sexist crap. They like spending time with my partner (though they also like to have me to themselves and wouldn't want to move in with him) but they do call him out when he says something sexist. I'm actually quite proud of that...

OP posts:
tribpot · 08/12/2023 12:49

they do call him out when he says something sexist. I'm actually quite proud of that...

They are probably wondering why their mum is with someone who makes comments like that in the first place, though.

bonzaitree · 08/12/2023 12:50

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 12:19

@EyeInTheSky23 just comments about how working class people are better than middle class people, how my kids are growing up in a 'rarefied' environment and I'm not preparing them for the real world, how I 'wasted' my teenage years.

lol what a loser

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 13:40

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 12:43

@EyeInTheSky23 you've really cheered me up today, thank you.

Both my teens are girls and I've brought them up not to take any sexist crap. They like spending time with my partner (though they also like to have me to themselves and wouldn't want to move in with him) but they do call him out when he says something sexist. I'm actually quite proud of that...

You're very welcome.

The fact that he's also saying sexist things at all, let alone in front of your Dds .. . Is yet another big X against him.

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