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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Seriously considering ending my relationship - AIBU?

73 replies

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 09:58

Together 2 years. Both in our early 40s, both divorced with kids living with us. We don't live together and live about 75-90 mins apart depending on traffic.

When we first met, we were both clear that we were dating with a view to getting married, not just long term dating. Two years on, I'm no closer to a proposal or even to living together and I'm beginning to think we'll never get there. (Yes, I could ask him but I'm sure he'd say not yet.)

There are practical difficulties to moving in together (neither my children nor his child can easily be relocated) but I'm of the mindset these could be overcome if we both really wanted to. Or we could get engaged and plan a long engagement as mine are teens and won't be living with me forever. But he doesn't want a long engagement. I'm not happy staying with him on the 'promise' we'll do it when my kids leave home, it's just not enough of a commitment for me.

On top of that, I rarely get compliments, I do the bulk of the travelling, I rarely get time to myself as he expects to see me/us every weekend (with no understanding of how tiring the travel is) and he has no filter so sometimes the things he says really hurt me (comments on my size, a 'joke' that he's the 'best I can get' but he could do better and I'm lucky he doesn't want to) and he just doesn't seem to get it. Apparently it's just how all men are and I have to accept that. I don't think it is...

When we're all together as a family, we do have a good time. He's funny and gregarious and he does do things for me like cook for me and buy me nice things.

But I just don't feel it's going anywhere. Interested in views on whether I'd be over-reacting to tell him that I think I'm just going to focus on my children until they fly the nest.

I've tried talking about it with him but we just go round in circles.

OP posts:

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 10:37

Why does he think he's controlling, did he say?

Is it the pressure to meet every weekend and leaving you to do the bulk of the travelling, or other stuff as well?

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 08/12/2023 10:41

The disrespectful remarks would be a dealbreaker for me. A man who loved you would not talk like that.

Original poster

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 10:45

@EyeInTheSky23 the expectation to prioritise him by doing the travelling, fitting my plans around his.

OP posts:

Original poster

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 10:49

He has a real need to feel prioritised but I don't think his expectations are reasonable or that he prioritises me to the level he wants me to prioritise him.

I think your partner should be a priority, but where you have minor children from another relationship, they have to come first. I accept that with his child but he finds it harder to accept with mine.

OP posts:

Positivelypatient · 08/12/2023 10:53

I think you have two separate issues here, 1) the distance/no commitment 2) his behaviour and treatment of you.

I think 2) is your biggest problem and like others have already said - that sort of comment about 'doing better if he wanted' would be a deal breaker for me. Quite aside from expecting you to do all the leg work and not giving the same consideration to your children as you do to his.

tribpot · 08/12/2023 10:57

The more you write, the worse this sounds. His comments on your size and saying he's the best you can get would be reason enough to bin him off but more than that, are you dragging your children to his house every weekend? You can't be, surely? But if not where are they going if you're going to his house every weekend?

Original poster

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 11:00

@tribpot I usually give them the choice, they are 15 and 17. Sometimes they come and sometimes they don't. I won't leave them overnight though which is a bone of contention with him as he thinks they're old enough.

OP posts:

Original poster

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 11:01

Plus I don't go every weekend. But that's the expectation from him and he gets annoyed.

OP posts:

Noideawhatisgoingon · 08/12/2023 11:06

This doesn’t sound like much fun and sounds like a lot of hard work - all very one sided.
Relationships shouldn’t make you unhappy or question everything.
There’s a lot of things you are doing that are apparently “wrong” but the main thing that stands out in your post is what your dad has said.

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 11:08

He sounds entitled, demanding, selfish and double standarded.

It's also up to you to judge if your kids can be left alone, not him.

Kids are different at all ages.

And ateotd teenagers home alone are not exactly guaranteed to be well behaved. Did someone say "free house".

Generally his attitude/behaviour (he's quite domineering really) .. Combined with those comments (cheeky, arrogant offensive bastard) make him sound like a right dick. Not good partner material.

You're quite far apart, it would take major adjustments involving teenagers to live together (if he even wanted to) .... That's a lot to do for someone who isn't a great person. And he's is def not coming across as a Great person.

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 11:10

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 11:01

Plus I don't go every weekend. But that's the expectation from him and he gets annoyed.

You shouldn't have to deal with annoyance and stress due to not seeing someone every weekend when you live quite far apart and moreover they're expecting you to do the bulk of the travelling.

He sounds very immature actually - your gf can't see you/is too tired this weekend - you can travel to her, or just accept a weekend "off" and do the many things you could do around the house/socially etc. Does he not have a social life or hobbies.

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 11:13

I think many a woman would have dumped him by now over his selfish behaviour and the comments about weight and being able to do better.

I'm not surprised he's divorced.

Ime most divorced men are divorced because they're dicks; and most divorced women are divorced because they were married to dicks.

Original poster

historiccastles · 08/12/2023 11:15

Not really. He's very focused on his family - his mum lives with him and his child (another reason why I think he has an easy life and doesn't want to change it, she does all his housework, I think she's crazy to.) He wants us to fit into his family. He doesn't really want to fit into ours.

We have quite different upbringings. He's dismissive of the fact I'm privately educated and so are my children for example. He spent his teenage years at rave parties as many nights of the week as he could and I studied hard and went out one night a week with my friends to the local bars and clubs. I think we're just very different.

More and more I'm not seeing this working, to be honest.

OP posts:

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 08/12/2023 11:16

It sounds like it's done to me. The more you explain, the less he sounds like he's someone you'd want to be long term committed to. I think if you want to marry someone, you know. The fact you're questioning means you don't have that innate sense he's right for you.
You deserve better.
The advantage of the distance is that breaking up comes with emotional upheaval but no practical stresses. Keep putting your kids first, you are right to do so.

JimBeamCoke · 08/12/2023 11:29

If he brings you that much misery staying apart, imagine what it would be like living with him as a married couple. I can only imagine he would be increasingly nasty, wanting you to do more things, and you having to compromise.
Is it his house he lives in? Does he do most of the organisation and chores or is that left to mummy?

Balloonhearts · 08/12/2023 11:33

Sorry, remind me why he's attractive again? I think its you who could do better. I'm Team Dad over here.

Workawayxx · 08/12/2023 11:38

Yeah, I'd just end this. It sounds like you aren't even getting an easy companionship/sex situation as he wants to be priority/you do a lot of travelling etc. You also aren't getting the more serious committed relationship that you want (where he would make you his priority). It's always a red flag to me if someone doesn't match effort. You've given him 2 years to show who he is and this is it. I think the best thing is to end it.

IsThePopeCatholic · 08/12/2023 11:39

He sounds awful, op. You’re wasting your time with him. His comments about your size are so disgusting and disrespectful.

TedMullins · 08/12/2023 11:40

Christ how did you put up with him for 2 weeks let alone 2 years? Insulting you would’ve been an instant dump for most people. If that didn’t do it, having his mum running about like his maid would’ve been an instant ick. And he expects you to do the same - be at his beck and call with the travelling, facilitating his life because he’s too lazy to do it back. It doesn’t sound like he likes or respects you. YOU need to be your priority OP. Any relationship you have should enhance your life, not be a negging burden.

bonzaitree · 08/12/2023 11:42

Omg RUN.

Your dad has said he is controlling. Get fucking rid!

Noideawhatisgoingon · 08/12/2023 11:42

The more you write @historiccastles the worst he sounds.

You sound fab though and you’re worth so much more than nasty comments, second guessing yourself and being miserable.

Tessabelle74 · 08/12/2023 11:47

Why would you WANT to marry a man that makes "jokes" at your expense? Trust me, YOU CAN find someone better than him, he's just hoping to beat you down enough that you won't bother looking! Leave this relationship, you're worth more than what's he's offering even if it was marriage

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 11:53

his mum lives with him and his child (another reason why I think he has an easy life and doesn't want to change it, she does all his housework, I think she's crazy to.)

Whose house is it?

Even if it's his, did his Mum put equity into it?

How old is he, this man who lets his Mum do all the housework?

You can see where his attitude to women is coming from.

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 11:55

It's noticeable how, as a divorced man, he's not even fully independent. He's got his Mum living in and doing all his housework.

If he had her living with him for her sake/out of kindness/being a good son; he wouldn't have her doing all the housework, he's do his fair share.

Yeah no wonder he's in no rush to marry and cohabit, hrs got his Mum doing all his housework, he's got you driving to him most weekends (and in spite of only have one child if I got that right and a Gran at home to supervise them, for some reason you e got to do most of the travel) to provide company and sex.
You even provide it after he's commented on your weight and told you he could do better than you (but that's just male banter/a male thing, all men say things like that!).

Why would he inconvenience himself. He won't even inconvenience himself as it is - to do half the driving (or his his housework).

ConstitutionHill · 08/12/2023 11:58

The disparity in travel would start to raise questions with me and the size "jokes" would be the mail in the coffin.

Or a less harsh view would be that it's ultimátum time.

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