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Original poster

Is He Worth A Second Chance

94 replies

Laurabrowne84 · 08/12/2023 01:48

Hi MN users

Im a 39 year old single mom to 2 kids age 12 and 14. Both kids were little when their dad and I split up. I’ve only dated once since the split 7 years ago.
i started seeing a guy 3.5 years ago. We dated almost 18 months but it was rocky. I really fell in love with him because he has great qualities and was of course amazing the first 6 months.
He’s got couple kids too although grown as he’s older than me. Let’s just say him and my kids didn’t get along and he had little patience. It got to the stage I’d spend time with him just him and me because he didn’t want to be around them and said he needed quality time alone with me. So we didn’t get much time as when you’ve got your kids 85% of the time and working, it’s hard. And he would always get mad at me about my parenting style and dictate how I should parent. He’s been divorced a long time and quite likes things his way from living on his own so long. We were having insufficient time together and he was becoming increasingly agitated, withdrawing from me, hardly affectionate, snapping at everything. He said it was hard because of my kids. Anyway I got offered a better job in another town far away so I moved because I didn’t see things working as he indicated as long as I had kids in the mix, he’s going to struggle. When I left he was very upset, didn’t want me gone.
ive now been gone just on 2 years, made some friends, job going good. My kids miss their friends in previous town but they’re ok.
The guy has kept in contact with me the whole time I’ve been gone and always wanted me to come back and offered assistance to get me back. I guess most men would’ve washed the hands of me when I left town, so it does seem like loyalty on his side. My kids are older and more independent, but they are still my children and come first. They would be happy to move back to where we were, but not that keen for me to date the guy again because they know that he doesn’t have much interest in them and ends up hurting me emotionally. When he gets in his moods he can get quite nasty verbally, but will put it on me because of the dynamics.
He wants me to make a decision within a month otherwise he said it’s come to a point where we will no longer be in communications. He has visited me once since I’ve been gone. Admittedly, I do still have feelings for him, but I’m worried that if I move back I will end up in square one in caught in the middle between him and the my children, Having the same fights, because we don’t spend enough time together, feeling pressure from him to parent differently I’m basically exhausting myself, trying to be a girlfriend and a mother and hold down a job. The problem is I have feelings for him still and one day the kids will grow up and I will have an empty home.
Just to clarify, I never lived with him, and if I moved back, I’d be in my own place so there would be no and a amosite and my children. I’m just not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Laurabrown84 · 08/12/2023 13:29

Trust me - this guy is an improvement from my ex husband.
Ive made 2 bad choices in my life and no, I’m not proud of it

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 08/12/2023 13:33

Any man who called a woman he professed to love 'dumb and stupid' should never be given a second chance. Actually, he shouldn't have been given a first chance, but no doubt he's the king of sweet-talking.

And all the 'no other man would have done what I do'? That's right out of the negging handbook. He's a piece of shit, OP, you were sucked in the first time, but you won't fall for it again, will you?

Sorchamarie · 08/12/2023 13:41

This man is seriously emotionally abusive OP and has done a real number on you (presumably along with your ex) if you think this is in any way a healthy relationship. Also wonder if there may have been any abuse in your childhood that you think this is what you deserve? Please please take all the advice here and break away completely from this man and try to get some therapy, or do the freedom program, before attempting any further romantic relationships. Best of luck to you.

Seas164 · 08/12/2023 13:43

Laurabrowne84 · 08/12/2023 03:02

Well, he said that other men would not still be talking to me after I left town, and I’ve been gone so long. They certainly wouldn’t want to date me again after leaving. Maybe I have blinkers on, but I’ve been looking at it like he must really love me to still hang in there. However yes sides of him that get nasty ate not nice at all, especially as you never know when or what’s going to set him off

Maybe you have blinkers on?

Jesus Christ. Should you go back? Never, for so many reasons. Double down and stay firmly where you are and build your life without him anywhere near it, save him the bother of cutting you off and do it first. He doesn't love you, he never did. He want's to control you. If you go back to him you can fast forward ten years and you'll have lost all your friends and family, your relationship with your kids will be in tatters and you'll be more misearable than you can imagine, and a shell of yourself. He's putting pressure on you, giving you a deadline and waiting for you to fall for his bullshit and roll over like a welcome mat so he can wreak more havoc for you and your kids. He is very clearly a nasty peice of work. Put them first, listen to them, they can see who he is even if you can't.

Apologise to your children for bringing him into their lives in the first place and resolve to learn about self esteem and abusive relationships to make sure you choose better next time, get those blinkers off and keep them off.

Prelapsarianhag · 08/12/2023 14:26

Nope nope nope - he is a world class cunt. Leave him in the bin.

northernlight20 · 08/12/2023 14:28

you really shouldnt date a man who doesnt like your children. i cant believe you are even considering getting back with him. yes, kids grown up and leave home, but theyre your kids, your family. get rid of this man, its much better to be alone, than this!

Ffsnotaconference · 08/12/2023 16:10

Pretty sure op posted about this when she had been moved a few months.

She won’t listen. She will continue as she is. Maybe even move back. It’s so sad seeing someone walking, willingly into a situation like this.

BoohooWoohoo · 08/12/2023 16:16

He doesn’t get on with your kids- no way would I date him. If you did get back with him then you risk your kids never visiting after they leave home. Don’t be that parent and prioritize cock over your children.

He’s feeding you bullshit in the name of loyalty but he’s really breaking down your barriers and self esteem by saying bollocks like most men wouldn’t talk to you. Don’t fall for it even if your self esteem is on the floor. Being alone is better than being with his “man” who is a red flag parade.

Newestname002 · 08/12/2023 16:18

Laurabrowne84 · 08/12/2023 03:02

Well, he said that other men would not still be talking to me after I left town, and I’ve been gone so long. They certainly wouldn’t want to date me again after leaving. Maybe I have blinkers on, but I’ve been looking at it like he must really love me to still hang in there. However yes sides of him that get nasty ate not nice at all, especially as you never know when or what’s going to set him off

OP this man doesn't want to waste his investment in you.

  • Time and effort gradually getting under your skin and inside your head.
  • Time and effort making you trusting yourself inside out to ensure he doesn't kick off and becomes mean to and about you
  • Time and effort making you walk on eggshells so he doesn't flip about how you, the parent of your children, actually parent your children

How dare you move away from him and make life more difficult for him taking over your thoughts, your energy and trying to blur your self-respect?

I wonder if in the two years you've been separated he's tried a relationship with someone else and it hasn't worked so he's back to see if he can persuade you to give up what you've achieved and go back to square one? Back and closer to his control of you and, by proxy, your children? What would you gain from going backwards like this - how would that make your own life better?

You don't really need to wait for the end of his time limit. You do know the answers - they're in your own posts here. Don't give up your self worth or your life to someone who just wants what he wants when he wants it, at the expense of yourself and your children. 🌹

Laurabrowne1984 · 09/12/2023 03:54

I will not go back. I will also cease all communication with him.

Panaa · 09/12/2023 04:41

Definitely not.

My kids are older and more independent, but they are still my children and come first.
It seems that way at 12 and 14, but then as they get a bit older again older teenagers can become more needy or take up more of your time. A lot of my friends with teens say the same! Constant lifts here, there and everywhere. Constantly wanting girlfriends/boyfriends over etc. which needs to be supervised to some extent and they can't just be left alone in the house, they often need a lot more emotional support as they try to navigate more grown up things etc.

The guy has kept in contact with me the whole time I’ve been gone and always wanted me to come back and offered assistance to get me back. I guess most men would’ve washed the hands of me when I left town, so it does seem like loyalty on his side.

An ex of mine from years ago still obsesses over me, tries everything to stay in contact, offers me the world and so on still, but he hasn't changed any of the bad stuff about himself. They can act like they want you and still be the same old asshole!

They would be happy to move back to where we were, but not that keen for me to date the guy again because they know that he doesn’t have much interest in them and ends up hurting me emotionally.

You would be setting a terrible example for them if you took him back then.
You could also hurt them very much by getting back with a man who doesn't really like them.

Copperoliverbear · 09/12/2023 04:48

No

Copperoliverbear · 09/12/2023 04:48

Block him

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 09/12/2023 08:36

Don't say you will cease contact. Actually do it. Block him and delete his details.

Maray1967 · 09/12/2023 08:51

Divebar2021 · 08/12/2023 06:38

He’s about as “loyal” as venereal disease.

Well said. I was thinking long covid but the same sentiments.

Hes controlling and doesn’t like your DC. Either one of those should be enough on its own to tell you to dump him. Both, plus the other points, should be screaming at you to dump him.

Mumof3confused · 09/12/2023 08:53

Absolutely not.

Wouldyouguess · 09/12/2023 09:49

Laurabrowne84 · 08/12/2023 03:02

Well, he said that other men would not still be talking to me after I left town, and I’ve been gone so long. They certainly wouldn’t want to date me again after leaving. Maybe I have blinkers on, but I’ve been looking at it like he must really love me to still hang in there. However yes sides of him that get nasty ate not nice at all, especially as you never know when or what’s going to set him off

He wants you to think he is the only option for you to further control you, so you end up thinking he's right, everyone else would have left but he is so kind to stick around.

Run for the hills.

Laurabrowne1984 · 09/12/2023 11:45

He is now blocked

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 09/12/2023 11:54

Laurabrowne84 · 08/12/2023 03:02

Well, he said that other men would not still be talking to me after I left town, and I’ve been gone so long. They certainly wouldn’t want to date me again after leaving. Maybe I have blinkers on, but I’ve been looking at it like he must really love me to still hang in there. However yes sides of him that get nasty ate not nice at all, especially as you never know when or what’s going to set him off

I don't think you could have got it more wrong with "he must really love me to hang in there".

The man barely likes you. But he knows you'll give him attention for the literal crumbs he throws you.

He's awful OP. And you sound like a really decent person, who he's played a real number on.

Block and delete.

OneLollipop · 09/12/2023 12:08

Goodness me, OP. Block him and move on.

they are still my children and come first. They would be happy to move back to where we were, but not that keen for me to date the guy again

Don't get back together with him then.

they know that he doesn’t have much interest in them and ends up hurting me emotionally. When he gets in his moods he can get quite nasty verbally, but will put it on me because of the dynamics.

Your kids sound more switched on that you do! He is AWFUL. He's also not the only man in the world. You need some serious therapy though, and to do the Freedom Programme, before you embark on another relationship. The fact you are a) still in touch with him and b) considering get back together with him is worrying.

Dweetfidilove · 09/12/2023 12:26

Well, he said that other men would not still be talking to me after I left town…

Says every manipulative, controlling prick trying to keep you under his thumb. Cut him off!

SamW98 · 09/12/2023 12:44

Laurabrowne1984 · 09/12/2023 11:45

He is now blocked

Good!! Keep him blocked and don’t ever be tempted to go back in contact

GreyCarpet · 09/12/2023 13:01

Laurabrowne84 · 08/12/2023 03:02

Well, he said that other men would not still be talking to me after I left town, and I’ve been gone so long. They certainly wouldn’t want to date me again after leaving. Maybe I have blinkers on, but I’ve been looking at it like he must really love me to still hang in there. However yes sides of him that get nasty ate not nice at all, especially as you never know when or what’s going to set him off

So what if he does love you?

He isntnvery nice to you, and you don't owe him a relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️

The very least a partner should do is be nice to you!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/12/2023 13:50

No 👎
and you will get over him if he stops contact and that’s needed I think

MMmomDD · 09/12/2023 13:54

@Laurabrowne84

You are only 39. You have plenty of time to dare and meet someone. You already have kids - so not desperate to meet someone to have kids with, etc.

As to the guy - he may really like you, but is selfish in what he wants. Few friends with kids had that - men wanted them but not them\their kids. Its hard to navigate.

Personally - I think blocking and ghosting is childish and cowardly. Women on MN complain about it and get sympathy.

Be an adult and tell him you ate not going move because of an ultimatum. And he is not doing you some favour by ‘hanging around’ - it’s his choice. But you need someone who can accept you and your family as it is. As he can’t do it - so you aren’t going to work. And in addition - his moods and temper tantrums are not for you.