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Original poster

Is He Worth A Second Chance

94 replies

Laurabrowne84 · 08/12/2023 01:48

Hi MN users

Im a 39 year old single mom to 2 kids age 12 and 14. Both kids were little when their dad and I split up. I’ve only dated once since the split 7 years ago.
i started seeing a guy 3.5 years ago. We dated almost 18 months but it was rocky. I really fell in love with him because he has great qualities and was of course amazing the first 6 months.
He’s got couple kids too although grown as he’s older than me. Let’s just say him and my kids didn’t get along and he had little patience. It got to the stage I’d spend time with him just him and me because he didn’t want to be around them and said he needed quality time alone with me. So we didn’t get much time as when you’ve got your kids 85% of the time and working, it’s hard. And he would always get mad at me about my parenting style and dictate how I should parent. He’s been divorced a long time and quite likes things his way from living on his own so long. We were having insufficient time together and he was becoming increasingly agitated, withdrawing from me, hardly affectionate, snapping at everything. He said it was hard because of my kids. Anyway I got offered a better job in another town far away so I moved because I didn’t see things working as he indicated as long as I had kids in the mix, he’s going to struggle. When I left he was very upset, didn’t want me gone.
ive now been gone just on 2 years, made some friends, job going good. My kids miss their friends in previous town but they’re ok.
The guy has kept in contact with me the whole time I’ve been gone and always wanted me to come back and offered assistance to get me back. I guess most men would’ve washed the hands of me when I left town, so it does seem like loyalty on his side. My kids are older and more independent, but they are still my children and come first. They would be happy to move back to where we were, but not that keen for me to date the guy again because they know that he doesn’t have much interest in them and ends up hurting me emotionally. When he gets in his moods he can get quite nasty verbally, but will put it on me because of the dynamics.
He wants me to make a decision within a month otherwise he said it’s come to a point where we will no longer be in communications. He has visited me once since I’ve been gone. Admittedly, I do still have feelings for him, but I’m worried that if I move back I will end up in square one in caught in the middle between him and the my children, Having the same fights, because we don’t spend enough time together, feeling pressure from him to parent differently I’m basically exhausting myself, trying to be a girlfriend and a mother and hold down a job. The problem is I have feelings for him still and one day the kids will grow up and I will have an empty home.
Just to clarify, I never lived with him, and if I moved back, I’d be in my own place so there would be no and a amosite and my children. I’m just not sure what to do.

OP posts:
fulawitt · 08/12/2023 08:08

You left. You did not have to ask for that one. You left. Do not go back, you might not have the same energy second time round to extricate yourself from this snare. He does not love your kids : he does not love you.

MintJulia · 08/12/2023 08:27

He thinks you should be grateful for him keeping in touch!!

This man has red flags all over him, for selfish and controlling behaviour.

Don't do it OP, he'll isolate you from your dcs and make your life a misery.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/12/2023 08:33

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/12/2023 06:30

Can you imagine how much he would punish you if you did return to him?

Show quote history

This.

He is furious you had the audacity to up and leave him, you took his control away and is gasping to get it back.
This man is a nasty piece of work, he doesn't love you at all op, cut him off and block him, stop playing his game.

SamW98 · 08/12/2023 08:41

Laurabrowne84 · 08/12/2023 03:02

Well, he said that other men would not still be talking to me after I left town, and I’ve been gone so long. They certainly wouldn’t want to date me again after leaving. Maybe I have blinkers on, but I’ve been looking at it like he must really love me to still hang in there. However yes sides of him that get nasty ate not nice at all, especially as you never know when or what’s going to set him off

Absolutely he isn’t loyal and doesn’t love you like you think. He’s a nasty, spiteful, manipulative control freak who has stopped you moving on with your life for the past 2 years while he keeps tabs on what you are doing for his own selfish needs.

Stay where you are now, block contract with this walking red flag, concentrate on your kids and when the time is right, there will be someone who is better than this vile self serving specimen.

Foxblue · 08/12/2023 08:44

There are millions of men on this planet, and people find love and companionship at all ages - you don't have to cling onto this man because you're worried about not finding anyone else, you can and will find someone better.

Would you treat him this way, if the situations were reversed? No, of course you wouldn't.

He's not a decent person, and he's not good to you, he's just someone who has feelings for you, and while society tells you that noones perfect, which is true - this is way beyond the level of shit behaviour you should put up with. Like, this is really bad. You don't need a man, and you definitely don't need THIS man.

noooooooo · 08/12/2023 08:44

Sorry OP but fuck no!

WelshFionaThePlasticSurgeryGorgon · 08/12/2023 08:45

Just NO!

Doubleespresso33 · 08/12/2023 08:45

Laurabrowne84 · 08/12/2023 03:02

Well, he said that other men would not still be talking to me after I left town, and I’ve been gone so long. They certainly wouldn’t want to date me again after leaving. Maybe I have blinkers on, but I’ve been looking at it like he must really love me to still hang in there. However yes sides of him that get nasty ate not nice at all, especially as you never know when or what’s going to set him off

Really loving you would be him moving to where you are and trying to change for the better not upsetting your children.

this isn’t love op please don’t put your children or yourself through this again

NoWayNarc · 08/12/2023 08:45

Laurabrowne84 · 08/12/2023 01:48

Hi MN users

Im a 39 year old single mom to 2 kids age 12 and 14. Both kids were little when their dad and I split up. I’ve only dated once since the split 7 years ago.
i started seeing a guy 3.5 years ago. We dated almost 18 months but it was rocky. I really fell in love with him because he has great qualities and was of course amazing the first 6 months.
He’s got couple kids too although grown as he’s older than me. Let’s just say him and my kids didn’t get along and he had little patience. It got to the stage I’d spend time with him just him and me because he didn’t want to be around them and said he needed quality time alone with me. So we didn’t get much time as when you’ve got your kids 85% of the time and working, it’s hard. And he would always get mad at me about my parenting style and dictate how I should parent. He’s been divorced a long time and quite likes things his way from living on his own so long. We were having insufficient time together and he was becoming increasingly agitated, withdrawing from me, hardly affectionate, snapping at everything. He said it was hard because of my kids. Anyway I got offered a better job in another town far away so I moved because I didn’t see things working as he indicated as long as I had kids in the mix, he’s going to struggle. When I left he was very upset, didn’t want me gone.
ive now been gone just on 2 years, made some friends, job going good. My kids miss their friends in previous town but they’re ok.
The guy has kept in contact with me the whole time I’ve been gone and always wanted me to come back and offered assistance to get me back. I guess most men would’ve washed the hands of me when I left town, so it does seem like loyalty on his side. My kids are older and more independent, but they are still my children and come first. They would be happy to move back to where we were, but not that keen for me to date the guy again because they know that he doesn’t have much interest in them and ends up hurting me emotionally. When he gets in his moods he can get quite nasty verbally, but will put it on me because of the dynamics.
He wants me to make a decision within a month otherwise he said it’s come to a point where we will no longer be in communications. He has visited me once since I’ve been gone. Admittedly, I do still have feelings for him, but I’m worried that if I move back I will end up in square one in caught in the middle between him and the my children, Having the same fights, because we don’t spend enough time together, feeling pressure from him to parent differently I’m basically exhausting myself, trying to be a girlfriend and a mother and hold down a job. The problem is I have feelings for him still and one day the kids will grow up and I will have an empty home.
Just to clarify, I never lived with him, and if I moved back, I’d be in my own place so there would be no and a amosite and my children. I’m just not sure what to do.

Raise the bar OP holy hell..

hint: it’s not loyalty or love

Morewineplease10 · 08/12/2023 08:48

He sounds fucking awful OP!

Don't do it!!

MinervatheGreat · 08/12/2023 08:50

Tilllly · 08/12/2023 04:56

Never let an old flame burn you twice

Years ago (after 5 years living apart) I got burnt twice by the same man. Leopards don’t change their spots. It was awful, truly awful.
They don’t change.
Don’t go back, just don’t.

tribpot · 08/12/2023 08:51

If you had stopped contact with him when you moved away, you would have recovered from this relationship and realised how dreadful it was. So it was in his interests to keep you on a string. And then to make you feel like he's doing you a favour when 'most men' wouldn't have bothered. That's true, 'most men' aren't manipulative, abusive pricks so they would have let the relationship come to an end when you chose your children and moved away.

Now he's issued an ultimatum. Why are you even considering this when he hates your kids? When they've told you plainly they don't want you to go back to him?

Block him and focus on yourself and your kids. They need you present in their lives, not constantly worrying about managing the demands of some random guy who hates them.

balmysummerevening · 08/12/2023 08:53

Well, he said that other men would not still be talking to me after I left town, and I’ve been gone so long. They certainly wouldn’t want to date me again after leaving

You do realise this is straight out of the abuse handbook right? its the old "no other man would want you" line- abusive, controlling men always wheel this tired old line out and its purpose is to get your self esteem in the gutter so they can wield control over you. Is he God?- does he know exactly what every other man on the planet thinks?- of course not. He's an abusive twat and you should not even consider getting back with him. You should cut off all contact with him in fact.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/12/2023 09:14

SataumaMeddler · 08/12/2023 02:03

Don't confuse loyalty with control!!

This.
The fact he's still around isn't true love it's obsession or control ... he won't look after you and be kind to you if you do move back op

billy1966 · 08/12/2023 09:55

He is utterly toxic and abusive.

I wouldn't want him near me or my children.

Block him and have nothing futher to do with him.

He wants you back because your boundaries are poor and you are easy to bully.

Stop engaging with him.

Move on, not back.

Laurabrown84 · 08/12/2023 10:55

Thanks everyone. I think I’ve been looking at the ‘he’s loyal’ side and thinking he must really love me and also holding onto the good sides I first fell in love with. I don’t have pure peace about moving back so I’ve been battling it it’s due to unfounded paranoia or a gut instinct

monsteramunch · 08/12/2023 12:04

He doesn't like your kids.

Your kids don't like him.

It's really concerning that despite this, you've continued to speak to him after splitting.

Put your kids first and block this toxic wanker.

SamW98 · 08/12/2023 12:06

Laurabrown84 · 08/12/2023 10:55

Thanks everyone. I think I’ve been looking at the ‘he’s loyal’ side and thinking he must really love me and also holding onto the good sides I first fell in love with. I don’t have pure peace about moving back so I’ve been battling it it’s due to unfounded paranoia or a gut instinct

You’ve wasted two years of your life in contact with this controlling loser.

Dont waste another minute. Block and move on with your life.

Laurabrown84 · 08/12/2023 13:00

I guess if the general consensus is that he’s controlling and full of crap, not love and genuine interest, then I’ll take that advice along with my gut feeling and stay where I am. I definitely don’t want to make a big mistake especially when my kids are involved. I must be too soft to not see through a facade.
Maybe I’m stupid - he’s called me dumb and stupid often so ….

Namechange666 · 08/12/2023 13:11

Even if you do get with him after your kids leave, they won't want to visit because he'd make it so uncomfortable. He's controlling as hell.

Don't put some willy before your kids. Tale it as a blessing he will out of contact. Take control and end this farcard now.

EtiennePalmiere · 08/12/2023 13:16

He doesn't have loyalty or love for you, he just hasn't found a more pliable victim yet.

Hopefully now that you've written everything out it will seem clear to you that he's not a good man.

Ladyj84 · 08/12/2023 13:19

Sorry why are you still in contact with him???? If my kids didn't like anyone there's a reason for it and if anyone didn't like my kids there not in my life. Cmon be a better mum and block the loser

Ihaveoflate · 08/12/2023 13:26

Block this abusive f*er and work on your self esteem.

You shouldn't be wasting another second on any man who calls you dumb or stupid.

ChristmasLights23 · 08/12/2023 13:26

What? I can’t believe you even kept in contact with him after the way he treated your children.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 08/12/2023 13:28

I guess most men would’ve washed the hands of me when I left town, so it does seem like loyalty on his side

I can guarantee that the men in your town didn't even notice you'd gone - unless it was one of those places in the Outback with a population of 10. You're using 'well, at least someone missed me when I left!' as an excuse to get back with him here.

And he sounds awful.

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