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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Who do you talk to when you have no one?

80 replies

AFortressDeepAndMighty · 07/12/2023 20:53

Just that really.

I have brother I'm not close to who's quite self centred and who I'm superficially close with. Eg we get on when we see each other but we only see each other once or twice a year with our families.

I have two children who are late teens and early 20s.

I don't really have any friends. I know a lot of people and have a couple of good work friends and a few friends through hobbies but they're not close and we only meet up to do the hobby and any chat is hobby related.

I have a partner but the relationship doesn't feel right any more.

I've posted on here a couple of times about specific things I was worried about but the posts went unanswered.

There's too much in my head. I need someone to talk to. Not just about stuff I'm worried about but about light hearted fun stuff.

I had a few good friends a few years ago but the friendships ended for different reasons.

I just feel so lonely.

OP posts:
Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 05:52

Samaritans don't chat. It's very formulaic.
It's all how can help? What's brought you here today. Get you to spill. Then please do ring again.
They say those stock phrases. And go.

Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 05:53

Are you menopausal? What's your job and your hobby? I feel the same! Hobbies help a lot. And exercise.

Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 05:54

Is your job a caring one? Is that why you are so drained?

Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 05:56

Why can't women do your hobby? Is it going shooting?

Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 05:59

What about the two good work friends?

Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 06:00

Why did the old good friendships end? Hopefully one of them is still there for you?

Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 06:34

@Confused38246 they are NOT there for chats. It's always pushing you towards suicidal thoughts.

AFortressDeepAndMighty · 08/12/2023 07:28

Thanks for the replies.

It's sad to read, but I'm not surprised, that so many people feel similarly.

I agree with those who've said It's not what the Samaritans is for. I don't feel desperate or suicidal and I don't need to offload.

Why have other friendships fallen by the wayside? In some cases, I don't really know. I've met some great women over the past 10 years or so through various hobbies over had at the time. But they all fizzle out from their side really. It's been me who suggested meeting for lunch or a night out but it was always me who made contact and suggested going out. I never heard from any of them in the meantime. Eventually, I started to feel like I was imposing in them and they were meeting me out of politeness and an inability to say "no" so I stopped asking as often and then not at all and never heard from them again.

One or two, I stil make the effort with but now they just have reasons (excuses?) why they can't meet.

A couple who say they'll get in touch with dates that they're free and never do so I've taken the hint there!

A few who were single when we met but no longer are and have prioritised new partners and more established/longer term friendships.

I ended a few longer term friendships of 5-10 years over the last 5 years because they just weren't people I wanted in my life anymore due to their actions. I don't regret that although I'm sad it came to that.

Several were women who are around 10+ years older than me (not that it mattered or that you'd have known) and elderly parents and grandchildren (and now retirement) started taking up their time. I'm not at the grandchildren stage yet! And I don't have parents to become elderly so no shared life experiences there.

Just life stuff really.

I'm a primary school teacher so it's hard to find the time to develop new friendships. I work in the evenings or I'm just so tired from the day that I don't have the capacity to go out and socialise.

My partner just seems to have lost interest in me. Probably for the above reasons. He's kind and decent and would be a brilliant partner for someone who had the capacity to he a great partner back but I don't. He spends most of his evenings now just playing games on his phone or scrolling through fb. I think he feels as shit about it as I do but that's where we we are.

He was scrolling through fb a couple of nights ago and stopped to tell me there was a whole fb group devoted to people posting photos of other people who'd falled asleep on coaches etc on the way back from football games. He said it was utterly mindnumbing. And yet he still chose to scroll through that than spend time with me. And I don't blame him tbh.

Our sex life has dwindled to a couple of times a month. I have no idea if it's because he's no longer attracted to me but needs occasional sex or because that emotional 'connection' isn't there because of the above. He says he is attracted to me but I don't see any sign of it.

I initiated sex last week in an attempt to - I don't know - do something. And he faked an orgasm. Which I think is what triggered me feeling so bad now. It just all feels so utterly pointless.

I love him and I know he loves me but it feels like it's falling apart.

My hobby is music based. Everyone else I know who does something similar has made loads of friends/acquaintances through it but that hasn't happened for me.. even though I've tried.

I just feel I'm getting something wrong at every turn!

I know I sound quite miserable on this thread but that's because it's really come to a head recently but I'm not like this when I am being sociable. I don't want to moan and complain to people. I want to laugh and have fun.

No one knows how I feel. I went out with my son to see a band a few weeks ago. We quite often go out together and always have a great time but he's my son and half my age and has his own life!

When I have met up with friends for lunch or coffee, I listen to their life woes, share a few of mine (proportionally), we have a laugh etc and people always say I'm lovely, funny etc but it just doesn't translate into anything more.

Tbh, I've become a bit mustrustful of people and friendships so I'm a bit nervous, apathetic even maybe at times, about doing it again because, after 10 years, it feel inevitable that it will come to nothing.

My partner gets on well with one of the men I do the hobby with and we both like his wife. We've invited them out a couple of times but they've been unable to make it and nothing further has been suggested. That sort of thing.

Like I say, I just feel bit lost and deflated. I don't feel interesting or fun or attractive anymore. My partner went out last night. It wasn't a late night and he was back by 10.30pm. I was already in bed. He got into bed, made a bit of small talk, kissed me goodnight and then got his phone out. I think he's just bored.

OP posts:
AFortressDeepAndMighty · 08/12/2023 07:33

Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 05:56

Why can't women do your hobby? Is it going shooting?

They can, there are just fewer of them who do specifically what I do. Or want to.

There are websites/online groups to enable people with similar interests to connect but there are very few women on them tbh.

OP posts:
Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 07:39

Was is your music hobby? Do you play an instrument? Are you a Dj? X

AFortressDeepAndMighty · 08/12/2023 07:40

Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 05:59

What about the two good work friends?

One lives on the other side of the city to me and she still has youngish children who are obviously her priority.

She's not British and most of her holiday time is spent returning to her home country. We're both in the same boat during term time. She has actually also said that she has a full social calendar and lots of friends and doesn't have the need or capacity for any more.

The other is a married man 15 years my junior! We get on brilliantly but he has 3 small children and his wife is a few years younger still. He and I get on brilliantly at work and have some similar life experiences which is where we have bonded but we are also very different and our two families would have no common ground. He wouldn't meet up with me otherwise outside work because it would feel wrong to him. And, tbh, outside of work, I doubt we'd have much to say and would end up talking about work!

I find work friendships to be very context specific and I've never really been able to develop them outside of that environment.

OP posts:
Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 07:44

You need female work friends your own age. You get on better with men don't you. That's a problem.

Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 07:47

I'm a bit the same! In teaching and made more male friends.

Confused38246 · 08/12/2023 07:48

Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 06:34

@Confused38246 they are NOT there for chats. It's always pushing you towards suicidal thoughts.

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-having-difficult-time/

You can get in touch about anything that’s troubling you, no matter how large or small the issue feels.

From their own site

If you're having a difficult time

What to do if you're struggling with how it feelings to live right now. Read more about how we can help you.

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-having-difficult-time

AFortressDeepAndMighty · 08/12/2023 07:49

Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 07:39

Was is your music hobby? Do you play an instrument? Are you a Dj? X

I do play an instrument. I play in a band.

But, if I'm honest, I've just lost myself so much that I'm not even enjoying that very much anymore. I feel awkward and self conscious playing in front of other people.

OP posts:
Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 07:50

Was it a case of getting a date in with the couple or do they want a specific event. Ie a new restaurant or a band to go to?

Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 07:51

Am desperate to know what the hobby is! It's music related!

Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 07:52

Which band and which instrument? A jazz band?

AFortressDeepAndMighty · 08/12/2023 07:54

You need female work friends your own age. You get on better with men don't you. That's a problem.

I do. I had my children fairly young (early/mid 20s) so, when I started going out again in my late 30s, I didn't meet many women my age because they were still doing the family thing. They just weren't here. And the women I did meet were 10+ yrs older whose children were similar ages to mine.

I just dont know where to find them tbh.

I'm a bit the same! In teaching and made more male friends.

I've always had more male friends. Not intentionally, it's just always happened that way. I seem to do things and go to places that are more popular with men. I have met some of their wives and they are counted in the women above I've met over the past 10 years but I know that a couple still see me as primarily their husband's friend but I don't see them anymore either.

It changed a lot after lockdown tbh.

OP posts:
AFortressDeepAndMighty · 08/12/2023 07:56

Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 07:52

Which band and which instrument? A jazz band?

Ah ok. I play bass in an alternative rock band Smile

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 08/12/2023 07:58

It does sound very central that your relationship is feeling disconnected, and you had an unpleasant sexual experience. I'm also struck that you didn't mention whether you had an orgasm or whether you normally enjoy it. You obviously don't have to share those details here, but it sounds a bit as if you are more focused on your partner's sexual experience than your own. I wonder how you have experienced sex generally.

Could you start going for short walks together? Nothing demanding after work, just moving your body in a relaxed way and exchanging a few remarks without pressure or phones?

AFortressDeepAndMighty · 08/12/2023 07:58

Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 07:50

Was it a case of getting a date in with the couple or do they want a specific event. Ie a new restaurant or a band to go to?

We suggested a pub quiz because they said they liked them and a gig they'd have been interested in but they didjt feel up to it and made no alternative suggestions so we just assumed they weren't interested.

OP posts:
AFortressDeepAndMighty · 08/12/2023 08:03

PermanentTemporary · 08/12/2023 07:58

It does sound very central that your relationship is feeling disconnected, and you had an unpleasant sexual experience. I'm also struck that you didn't mention whether you had an orgasm or whether you normally enjoy it. You obviously don't have to share those details here, but it sounds a bit as if you are more focused on your partner's sexual experience than your own. I wonder how you have experienced sex generally.

Could you start going for short walks together? Nothing demanding after work, just moving your body in a relaxed way and exchanging a few remarks without pressure or phones?

I did and sex is OK but it was quite good.

He is a lot more experienced than me - I've spent a great many years single and celibate and he's had good long term relationships.

He just doesn't seem to have much interest in me in that way. He's very attentive and good at giving but I just don't think he gets much from it. He usually orgasms but faking it when I initiated it seems to point to it sex being something that we do because he is feeling like sex and not because of anything I'm doing. If that makes sense?

Even sex feels disconnected because of it. And sometimes I feel awful afterwards. Just foolish, self conscious and awkward. Never coerced or pressured. Just sad.

OP posts:
Flyhigher · 08/12/2023 08:04

Yes lockdown changed everything. Bass in a rock band is definitely a male hobby! I guess you talk about music a lot. Surely those Mum friends 10 years older are now 55 and you are 45. You are super young still! Walking and exercise will help a bit. There are walking groups on fb.

MeMySonAnd1 · 08/12/2023 08:11

When I split from my ex and had a small child (no free time during the day / no money for baby sitting) I spent hours in Mumsnet. Back then it was so small there was more continuity (and meet ups!)

After that was OLD, brilliant conversations about life, books, philosophy, whatever. I didn’t do “dates” just coffees so many of those where there was “no click” but were decent and had good conversation became friends (no benefits aside of conversation and having someone to laugh or commiserate with when looking for “the one”)

These days I have a partner, and a lot of friends who are alone in another country with their families, whose children have left the nest or who are going through the divorce process. I make the effort to meet with the ones living nearby at least once a month. With those far away we have a coffee (a very long one) over the phone at least once a month but with my closest friends, who are like family, we talk several times a week.

I have found, time and time again, that when you are open about your vulnerabilities, acquaintances open up and that’s when they become proper supportive friendships (both ways). There is a Ted talk called “The power of vulnerability”, search it, it can change your friendship landscape.

But remember, friendships are a two way business, nobody has time, you need to make it. Relationships are like a garden, you need to pay attention, nurture, give them your time and effort periodically to see the benefits. You cannot simply let everything dry out and die while you are busy and expect any fruits from it.

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