23 and 36 - is this too big of an age gap, looking for outside opinion

[catsandcans]

This could be a long one as I feel there is a lot of relevant information.
I am 23 years old and I have recently met a guy on Hinge who is 36. I have been very honest and upfront with my parents about this as I always am. I really respect their opinions and trust them both a lot.

My mum is 14 years younger than my dad, they met when she was 25. My siblings are all in relationships with age gaps so it isn't really considered abnormal in my family.

My mother has always encouraged me to date older because I have had issues with men my own age. I have worked and paid for myself since I was 14 (I have my own little tutoring business that I grew and have paid 'rent' proportional to my profits since then). I moved out at 19 to go to university in Scotland and funded this myself (the moving part, not the actual university course, that was student finance). All the men I have met my age are still very dependent on their parents and if I am honest it gives me the ick a little bit.

My DM has met him, and she likes him. He has no kids and has never been married. He is doing his Phd so we are both students, but he also works and has a pretty good job. She did say she was apprehensive at first because it is a big age gap, but he has not chronically dated younger women, he has dated one woman his age and some a bit older, one who was 7 years younger.

My DF on the other hand is not happy. He refused to meet him. My parents are divorced and have been for 10 years, they still get on pretty well and were married happily for about 20 years - but this has caused issues between them. Mum says he will come round, he is just protective as I am his youngest daughter and his favourite.

When I mentioned his age gap with my mum he went on a bit of a rant saying it was different and that I 'look about 12' (I don't think I look 12, sometimes people think I'm younger but sometimes people think I'm older).

I should add this guy has not pressured me into anything, we have been on a few dates and he's not stayed at mine or tried to push for sex or anything like that. I think maybe my dad is being a bit unreasonable? But I'm not sure. My brother has also briefly met him and likes him, even though he was a tad hostile to him at first, but that's just how my big brother is sometimes.

Any constrictive advise is welcome and I would love to hear your experiences, good and bad if you have any similar. Thank you.

It would more concern me that my dad who at 39 pursued a 25 year old had an issue with it because that would be telling me he is very aware of the potential minefields

in terms of the age gap do you have the sane goals and outlook in life

I'm 27 and DH is 40, 13 year age gap. He was married before me & has 2 kids. When we first got together my mum didn't meet him for 6 months as she didn't agree with it, but once she met him she absolutely loved him ❤️ go for it!

I think your family are far too involved in your love life and quite frankly that would give me the ick!

Your father is a pure hypocrite

I don't understand why you have already introduced him to your family after a handful of dates.

Your dad is a hypocrite. If you're at similar stages of life I think it could work. It would be different if he was already married with kids.

I mean...you've just had a few dates with this guy and he's already met your family? Don't you think you're moving a little fast?

Also...I think it says more about dad's mindset than it does your date that he won't meet him. That he knew he was taking liberties dating a woman so much younger and he feels this guy is trying to take advantage of the power imbalance due to the age gap too.

I do think 23 is too young to date a man past...28 really. You might feel very mature and independent but the change that happens between now and 30...at 30 you'll probably look back and go 'what was I thinking dating that guy!?'

I think age gaps are fine. But not this one at 23. I'd avoid it. Not because of your parents opinions but because it's too risky.

It’s a no from me. I’m 24 and could never be with a 35 year old, doesn’t make sense to me. Is there a reason why he’s met your parents already?

You say that men who are dependent on their family give you the ick but both your parents seem very involved in your dating. You've recently met him, why are you telling them so much? That's concern me if I was him.

My dd is 23. Would not like her to be in a relationship with a man who is 36. However, it is her life and I wouldn't interfere.

My family were up visiting and they don't come up often so it wasn't really planned or formal sorry probably should have specified this

Some age gaps do work and you sound very level headed and mature.

I don’t think your father should be allowed to have an opinion about this until he has met him.

You just need to know what red flags to look out for (but that applies to any relationship). It is unusual that he has no kids and has never been married, but it is up to you to understand this.

I would have thought the main problem when the woman or man is so much younger, is that they don’t always have the life experience to recognise poor behaviour or are too trusting.

You could perhaps have that conversation with your father to allay his fears, but until he meets this new boyfriend, he doesnt have a say in it.

I was with a 37 year old at 23, and we were happy together for five years. We stayed friends after an amicable breakup and I have no regrets now at almost 50. It depends on you as individuals. I wouldn't have gone out with him if he had kids though, I wasn't ready for that.

This sounds really intense. That is still no reason for them to meet so early. You surely just wouldn't see each other that day.

It’s a definite no from me. It’s far too big an age gap which leaves you vulnerable to a toxic power dynamic. If you were 27+ with a little more life experience and dating history it would be different. But it’s still icky even though you may not see it yourself.

I mainly talk to my mum because she worries a lot after some issues my sister had when she was younger, so she has a tendency to catastrophise. When I say we have been on 'a few' dates I mean formal dates, we have spent a lot of time together at uni studying but I wouldn't class that as a date, more just spending time together. Maybe this is a miscommunication on my part but we have been seeing one another for two months total and became exclusive last month.

This is all a bit intense. And somewhat antiquated. You are dating, not being given away to a lifelong servitude to this new man, go easy here and enjoy the early days and see how you get on.

If your family needs to vet your partners for you to feel secure in your relationship choices then maybe give yourself more time to know what will cause problems. You seem to be very keen to elaborate that the new man isn’t after sex which has slightly odd undertones.

He'll be 40 when you're still in your 20s.

And 80-odd or dead by the time you're retirement age.

Age gap relationships do work out for some people, but there's often a power dynamic at play in the ones that don't.

If you like him, that's great, but don't miss out on experiences and doing young people stuff in the rush to maturity and domesticity.

Given he doesn’t have children, I don’t think the age gap is a big issue.

Does he treat you like an adult and his peer? Is that how you think of him?

It all sounds too much from all sides. There are huge double standards where you say men your age are too dependent on their parents but that's how you're coming across.

If you don't feel comfortable dating someone without your parents approval then I would step back from this relationship and spend time thinking about what you want from a man, not what others want you to have.

If you don't want your parents approval then stop telling them. If they ask be vague, don't go into the ins and outs. Just say 'yep, alls fine'. For future relationships I wouldn't say anything until a good few months in.

I find it strange that you set so much store by what your parents think, this seems a sign of immaturity to me and raises concerns about your specific situation.

I'm not against age gap relationships, I was in one myself from my mid-twenties and we were happy for many years. They are not always exploitative or unbalanced. But I was a fully mature adult at 25, I knew my own mind and wouldn't have been seeking approval from anyone. It concerning to me that you seem to need so much validation

I am happy to date people without my parents approval, but I know this is a bit of a tricky situation because of the age gap and it's making me think about it a bit more than I normally would, I just want feedback and maybe to hear other people's experiences because I know at the end of the day I don't have that much life experience.

F

As a short term fling, I don't see anything wrong with it, but I think age gap relationships tend to start creaking when they become serious.

The obvious issue is when you hit pension age. He'll be able to retire years before you can, and then just as you want to enjoy your retirement, he'll be starting to deal with a lot more health issues.

But it starts before that I think. I was 24 when I had my daughter, I'm 40 now and have just spent a week looking after my 3 year old nephew while his Mum was in hospital. I'm not going to pretend that parenting a 3 year old at 27 was a breeze, but by god it was easier than at 40. I am absolutely fucking knackered today in a way I never was in my 20s. It's probably fine when both parents are a similar age but when one is much younger I reckon they'll end up doing more of the work, whereas the older one will be on the couch thinking "Fucking hell, I cannot take a headbutt to the nutsack like I could in my 20s"

There's just a million things that you'll just be slightly out of sync for. DP is only 3 years older than me, and occasionally she'll mention some kids TV show or a chocolate bar and I'll be like "Never heard of it". She remembers Maggie Thatcher being Prime Minister, I don't really etc. I imagine that going out with someone with a decade and change in age gap must be a little bit like dating someone from another country. Little cultural touchstones that just don't match.

You do sound incredibly mature for 23 but at the same time, 23 is actually very young. Limited life experience and your brain isn’t even fully formed at that age.

I dated someone 10 years younger than me and at the start it was fine but we ran into issues a few years down the line when our goals and expectations were no longer aligned (many because of our differing stages of life).

An almost 40 year old man dating a woman in her early 20s definitely makes me feel a bit icky, in a way that a man in his late 40s dating someone in their early 30s doesn’t. It’s not the gap its the ages themselves

I think if you're on the same wavelength, want the same things, and don't notice the age gap on a daily basis, carry on! At 23 you don't need your parents' approval for anything, least of all who you date!
I am 11 years younger than DH, I was 20 when we met.
I don't understand why people get so worked up about age gaps in adult relationships