23 and 36 - is this too big of an age gap, looking for outside opinion

[catsandcans]

This could be a long one as I feel there is a lot of relevant information.
I am 23 years old and I have recently met a guy on Hinge who is 36. I have been very honest and upfront with my parents about this as I always am. I really respect their opinions and trust them both a lot.

My mum is 14 years younger than my dad, they met when she was 25. My siblings are all in relationships with age gaps so it isn't really considered abnormal in my family.

My mother has always encouraged me to date older because I have had issues with men my own age. I have worked and paid for myself since I was 14 (I have my own little tutoring business that I grew and have paid 'rent' proportional to my profits since then). I moved out at 19 to go to university in Scotland and funded this myself (the moving part, not the actual university course, that was student finance). All the men I have met my age are still very dependent on their parents and if I am honest it gives me the ick a little bit.

My DM has met him, and she likes him. He has no kids and has never been married. He is doing his Phd so we are both students, but he also works and has a pretty good job. She did say she was apprehensive at first because it is a big age gap, but he has not chronically dated younger women, he has dated one woman his age and some a bit older, one who was 7 years younger.

My DF on the other hand is not happy. He refused to meet him. My parents are divorced and have been for 10 years, they still get on pretty well and were married happily for about 20 years - but this has caused issues between them. Mum says he will come round, he is just protective as I am his youngest daughter and his favourite.

When I mentioned his age gap with my mum he went on a bit of a rant saying it was different and that I 'look about 12' (I don't think I look 12, sometimes people think I'm younger but sometimes people think I'm older).

I should add this guy has not pressured me into anything, we have been on a few dates and he's not stayed at mine or tried to push for sex or anything like that. I think maybe my dad is being a bit unreasonable? But I'm not sure. My brother has also briefly met him and likes him, even though he was a tad hostile to him at first, but that's just how my big brother is sometimes.

Any constrictive advise is welcome and I would love to hear your experiences, good and bad if you have any similar. Thank you.

The age gap is too big, your mum and dad's generation were different. It was still too big but now it's worse. Find someone your age to 29.

You're 23. Two months is nothing. Regardless of you both being students you simply don't have the same amount of life experience. I think you and your family all need to calm down and not make such a big deal about what is a very new 'romance'.

I wouldn't say worked up 😀

Just, for OP, when she's at the (current) retirement age of 67, her boyfriend would be 80. Now, he might be a sprightly, active, acute 80 year old - or it might be that OP would end up his carer and spending her retirement looking after him and then her old age alone once he's passed. Whereas with a partner more her own age, she might hope to get in some years holidaying or on hobbies or whatnot.

Of course there's lots of factors and a long life to be lived before all that, but I think it's in later life that the age gap really starts to bite.

Yes I do think it is too big an age gap actually. I agree that you both might want the same things but I don’t see how you can both be at the same stage in life.. if that makes sense.

Definitely there are men out there closer to your own age that are at the same stage as you, maybe 26-30?!

Ive never understood the mindset of wanting to date a much older man.

but then again I don’t have any daddy issues

I started dating my husband when I was 20 and he was 36. We have been together almost 20 years now and are very happy.
If you like him go for it.

Irrespective of whether the age gap is a good idea or not, I don't see why it was different on her parent's generation?

If anything it was a worse idea a generation ago when the power dynamic was even more skewed towards men...

I think "stage gaps" are more important than "age gaps". If you are both students and working PT thats a fairly similar stage.

I like the sound of your guy. He is a gentleman. He knows what he wants in life. He won't be sowing his wild oats. He will probably want to settle soon. He will be financially independent soon. I think he suits you. I have been married for 24 years. From my experience once passion wears off a marriage is massively sustained by friendship. In the worst case scenario, if your relationship doesn't work out you will still be young enough to look for someone without the pressure of your biological clock ticking

What about OP's wild oats?

23 is still very young. This man isn't far of 40. I'd be seriously questioning what he's doing dating a 23 year old.

If I were you, I'd look for someone a maximum of 5 years older

No. Ten years between me and my husband and that gap has widened massively as we age - I am seeing old age in my partner while still feeling very spritely and active.

It sounds OK if you're happy. I'd keep considering after a few more dates if you're on the same page re the future ie if he wants kids and you do, it's harder for older men to have babies. So OK if you both want kids in 2 years. But if you wanted to wait 12 years you'd be taking a risk. Also he might want to settle down soon as some men near 40 suddenly think ok time to have kids, so t some point before it gets serious you'd have to consider if you're ready.

The way you set out your parents views shows a very central role in your life still. You're 23 but you seem to seek their approval the way I did when I was 17 and I wasn't particularly independent. I know you say above you sought their advice because of the situation and it makes sense to some degree. But equally I wouldnt have ever given my dad the impression he has a say over my love life. I wouldn't have introduced someone after a few dates then asked what they think like they get to judge him. Unless I felt uneasy about something.

It says something I can't quite pinpoint. Maybe just think if you're feeling overwhelmingly like you have to do things they approve of then why that is. Are all decisions still made together? For example if you wanted to move house would you be telling or asking? I think it matters because if you're going into a relationship with an older guy you want to be equals. Do you need some space from your parents first?

Don't let your family influence your decisions/choices, I did when I was younger and regret it to this day.

At your age I wouldn't want to date anyone more than 5-7 years older and I wouldn't be happy with my DD dating someone a lot older than she is (she is your age). there are plenty available men around your age that you can date.

My mother has always encouraged me to date older

How odd.

I think men heading toward 40 willing to date those in their early 20s are creepy.

People saying you sound mature, I don’t agree. You sound like you don’t run your own life, your family is overly involved and it sounds like you’re sort of playing at trying to sound mature but in fact its the opposite.

Yeah i though the mother encouragements to date older were odd too. Wondered if she was jealous of your youth and ability to date young men.

It's absolutely nothing to do with anyone but you.

Only listen to yourself. This is your life and no one can tell you what is right or wrong.

I was my 19 when I met my partner at work. He was 39. Nothing happened for a year as we were friends first and 2 he moved to another department in our same job. Then he came back the following year and our relationship progressed from there whrn I was 20.

I found it funny he was worrying about the age gap. It didn't bother me because I've always been into older guys. Ones my age did nothing for me. He is smart, funny. He cooks and he cleans. He never ever stifled me during my 20s. I did what I wanted and went out whenever I wanted as it should be. We trust each other.

17 years down the line. We live together, still work together. We have a cat.

Life hasn't been perfect along the way but we love each other very much. I still love him now the way I used to.

Don't let everyone tell you age gaps are wrong. It isn't always some abuse of power or ego trip. Sometimes it works. You have to see for yourself. You're 23 and not a child.

My DH and I got together when I was 27 and he was 38. We actually met when I was only 22, we worked in the same office and he interviewed me for the role! We often laugh about it because we were so different when we first met, I’d just come out of university and was so young and needed more time to just have fun with my friends. At the time I’d have happily fallen into his arms but he openly admits he had no interest in me then because I was too young and a bit wild! Fast forward 5 years and we meet by chance in a pub, we’d stop working together years before and it was totally different because what we both wanted was now aligned, I was a bit older, more confident in who I was as a person and any power dynamic which had originally been there had evened out.

I think all situations are different but I’d really think about the dynamic between you; whether you are self sufficient and confident in who you are that you won’t be steam-rollered by his own experience which would stunt your own growth as a person or render you over reliant on him. He may be looking to settle down at that age… Would you be ready for that? I don’t think it’s a total no-no but if you’re having doubts I think that says a lot, especially at this early stage of a relationship.

Not a problem, my issue is a Man/woman of 36 finding something in common (in the mature sense)with Tik tok generation. I am 35/ would never go below 26(25 maybe) but maybe thats just me,

From what I see, if a man likes them this young, when you push over 35 yourself, he will want that fresh, straight out of Uni young lady again.

I'm not against age gaps but think people need to go into it with their eyes open for their specific circumstances.

I think it's telling that your mum dated older and bizarrely advocated you do the same because you always have issues with men your own age. I could be way off base but you seem to have this idea that you're much more worldly and independent than other 23 year olds but I don't think your posts give off that impression.

Combined with the idea of always being more mature because you earned money at 14 year old and payed rent from it, far from it being a sign of someone always being mature, it sets my spidey senses off about a child being adultified and possibly a mother who has reinforced this idea of being very mature.

This man might be a nice man and if you both like each other there's no harm in seeing what happens, but I'd probably be quick to ditch the "I'm mature for my age" outlook.

A lot of the things we have in common are related to our academic interests, I do humanities but have always had an interest in STEM, he does STEM but is interested in a lot of the stuff I study (he told me this before I told him specifically what I study, so he wasn't just saying it). We both also really like a lot of sci fi related stuff. Weirdly, we have also been at a lot of the same events (concerts and things like that) over the past few years but never met one another. But this was something I have been thinking about because I do know there's a generational divide and having things actually in common is very important to me.

I would say no - I’m sure he’s great now, but if he matches you in maturity when you are 13 years younger it will not last, how can it? You will change and grow and he will not.

Date him as a fling if you must, but bear in mind (while you waste your time with him, when you could be out meeting someone suitable) when you are ready for children his sperm would be old, so more risks of autism/ADHD (coming from a parent of a child with ADHD, it is hard, if you could choose that your child didn’t have it, you probably would, so here’s your chance)

When you are late forties and still full of life, he will be in his sixties and expecting a very different pace, do not discount the fact that some people may be getting quite ill or frail by this stage (most are fine, but even still, they will be feeling aches and pains that you won’t, and aging in a way that is something you will not identify with at the time). I am sure I will be flamed for this post by plenty of amazing people in their sixties, so I apologise to all of them in advance, but I wanted to make you aware of what could be your reality!

He's essentially middle aged and you're early 20s, it would be a no from me.

My ex (mid 30s) left me for someone younger than you. I'm sure she is totally enamored by him but I am almost a year out and have recently gotten in touch with rape crisis for support as it took me around 3 months to realise he had been abusive. Coercive control, sexually and financially.

I hate to think what he is doing to someone so much younger than me whose brain isn't even fully developed.

I'm not saying don't do it, but tread extremely carefully. It's not the age gap but the life experience gap, but that does appear to be different in your case...in his case he has a house and a mortgage and the new gf has never been to uni, still lives with parents, so a little different.

Bit too big a gap at that age imo. If you were 43 and he was 56 or you were 63 and he was 76 then that would be nothing because it's not so much the number of years gap as it is the life stage and life experience.

If your dad is so against it then that would make me wonder why he married your mum and if that reason is the same reason he's against it for you.

To be honest I was pretty secure in myself and this until my dad's response because

1. he's never really been funny with me like that before (I can't think of a time he's snapped at me or been condescending like this)
2. he is being a hypocrite. of all the people in the world I didn't think he would make a big deal out of it and if I'm honest it freaked me out and made me kind of upset and second guess myself a lot. I think all things considered I am going to proceed with caution but I have found a lot of the comments in this thread helpful so thank you mumsnet users. :)