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Relationships

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Original poster

23 and 36 - is this too big of an age gap, looking for outside opinion

71 replies

catsandcans · 07/12/2023 14:23

This could be a long one as I feel there is a lot of relevant information.
I am 23 years old and I have recently met a guy on Hinge who is 36. I have been very honest and upfront with my parents about this as I always am. I really respect their opinions and trust them both a lot.

My mum is 14 years younger than my dad, they met when she was 25. My siblings are all in relationships with age gaps so it isn't really considered abnormal in my family.

My mother has always encouraged me to date older because I have had issues with men my own age. I have worked and paid for myself since I was 14 (I have my own little tutoring business that I grew and have paid 'rent' proportional to my profits since then). I moved out at 19 to go to university in Scotland and funded this myself (the moving part, not the actual university course, that was student finance). All the men I have met my age are still very dependent on their parents and if I am honest it gives me the ick a little bit.

My DM has met him, and she likes him. He has no kids and has never been married. He is doing his Phd so we are both students, but he also works and has a pretty good job. She did say she was apprehensive at first because it is a big age gap, but he has not chronically dated younger women, he has dated one woman his age and some a bit older, one who was 7 years younger.

My DF on the other hand is not happy. He refused to meet him. My parents are divorced and have been for 10 years, they still get on pretty well and were married happily for about 20 years - but this has caused issues between them. Mum says he will come round, he is just protective as I am his youngest daughter and his favourite.

When I mentioned his age gap with my mum he went on a bit of a rant saying it was different and that I 'look about 12' (I don't think I look 12, sometimes people think I'm younger but sometimes people think I'm older).

I should add this guy has not pressured me into anything, we have been on a few dates and he's not stayed at mine or tried to push for sex or anything like that. I think maybe my dad is being a bit unreasonable? But I'm not sure. My brother has also briefly met him and likes him, even though he was a tad hostile to him at first, but that's just how my big brother is sometimes.

Any constrictive advise is welcome and I would love to hear your experiences, good and bad if you have any similar. Thank you.

OP posts:

Tiredbehyondbelief · 07/12/2023 17:27

I think you might have made a mistake introducing him to your family so early into dating. Now you are questioning your own judgement. President Macron's wife is 25 years older than him. I am sure lots of people said their relationship was never going to work. Any long term relationship depends on mutual interests, goals, respect for each other. Age gap is really not that important compared to the above. You really need to go on more dates and let your heart guide you not other people's opinions.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 07/12/2023 17:29

All the men I have met my age are still very dependent on their parents and if I am honest it gives me the ick a little bit.

Bloody hell, pot, kettle springs to mind 😂

In answer to your question there is no way I’d have considered dating a man approaching 40 in my early 20s. I’m sure there are plenty of nice young men your own age that are available.

Shaggalicious · 07/12/2023 17:30

you could see him as hypocrite or it's a mistake and he now knows better..
He knows how pervy men are.

Shaggalicious · 07/12/2023 17:32

Tiredbehyondbelief · 07/12/2023 17:27

And how many make it to be a president? This is a very VERY rare thing, for most people the gap is unworkable and creepy.
The 00.00.01% do not make the rule.

Original poster

catsandcans · 07/12/2023 17:34

Tiredbehyondbelief · 07/12/2023 17:27

When I say introduced him to my family, my mum and brother were up and I said something along the lines of come join us for a drink in the pub if you want but no pressure, he was keen so came along and it kind of just escalated from what was going to be a few drinks to doing some pub hopping and getting some food. It wasn't planned as such it was more just one of those things, I probably should have put this in the OP but I didn't want it to be really long.

OP posts:

Scruffington · 07/12/2023 17:37

You're an adult. You sound like you have your wits about you. So if you're having fun just go with the flow and see where it goes. Stop worrying about other people's opinions.

Some people on MN seem to always jump to 'power imbalance' when there's mention of an age gap.

ChristmasPuddy · 07/12/2023 17:38

Also the fact a 36 year old man has his age preference set from early 20s on a dating app is icky to me. Like why is he purposefully looking for someone so much younger? It would feel a bit different if you met organically I think.

(And I say this as someone in their early 30s with a lot of OLD experience!)

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 07/12/2023 17:55

Even though there’s 14 years between dh and I, there’s no way I’d date someone of 36 in my early 20s. Also, 36 year old men interested in young women in their early 20s is a bit yuck and creepy. I would say the same if the sexes were reversed.

Superdupersomeone · 07/12/2023 18:00

Well my exH left me for a 22 year old, he is 39. He has kept it pretty quiet and he is clearly embarrassed. Everyone who knows about it thinks it's creepy and sad, including his family, as well as me.

It's not the number of years as such but the age of the youngest that I think is the problem. The gap in life experience is huge. 23 is not that far out of teen years.

In my experience older men often want to date much younger, because women their own age wont put up with their bullshit. And younger women are more likely to think a man with his own place, a car and job/salary is somehow hugely impressive.

Pillboxer · 07/12/2023 18:02

NerrSnerr · 07/12/2023 14:36

You say that men who are dependent on their family give you the ick but both your parents seem very involved in your dating. You've recently met him, why are you telling them so much? That's concern me if I was him.

This was my first response. The OP sounds quite enmeshed with her parents for someone in her mid-20s.

RustyBear · 07/12/2023 18:03

My mum was 22 and my dad 38 when they married. My mum was told all the things people have said on this thread - you’ll be a young widow, or looking after an old man, you won’t be compatible etc. They were married for 51 years and were the most compatible and happiest couple I’ve ever known, until mum died aged 73 and left my dad inconsolable for 13 years until his death at 102.

Redburnett · 07/12/2023 18:05

Age gaps seem OK when both are young but less so when older. eg imagine yourself as a fit and active 70 year old with an 83 year old with health problems. You sound far too young and immature to be seriously considering this relationship if you need to get your parents' opinions on it.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 07/12/2023 18:07

Redburnett · 07/12/2023 18:05

Approximately half the marriages end up in divorce. And good health doesn't have a life long warranty tag attached to it

ChristmasLights23 · 07/12/2023 18:13

I think the age gap would be too much for me. I went out with someone who was ten years older but he was an old-fashioned type which didn’t help. Then I had a long relationship with someone seven years older which didn’t really make much difference. I think after ten years the age gap is noticeable but you are a fully grown woman so I do think it’s up to you not your family.

gotomomo · 07/12/2023 18:16

It not that age gap never works but there are complications with long term ones eg I retire 8 years after dp, in reality more like 14 due to having less private pension and that is tied to my state pension age whereas he has a healthy sipp and inheritance due in 6 months (in probate currently)

Tiredbehyondbelief · 07/12/2023 18:38

catsandcans · 07/12/2023 17:34

Show quote history

I didn't mean to criticise you. I accept it just happened by chance. But you need to listen to your inner voice not your family or us on Mumsnet. My best friend broke up a relationship of 7 years because she was 45 and he was 30. She went for someone her age who promised her the Еarth including marriage. The older guy left her for another woman after 5.5 years together. Hindsight is a great thing. With hindsight my friend thinks she should have got pregnant/went via a surrogacy with a younger man. They would still be together. No one has crystal ball. I wouldn't look too much into the future if you have lots of common interests and chemistry. I would grab my chance now

Tiredbehyondbelief · 07/12/2023 18:42

By grabbing my chance I mean "Don't overthink the age gap".

EyeInTheSky23 · 07/12/2023 18:45

All the men I have met my age are still very dependent on their parents and if I am honest it gives me the ick a little bit

That's kinda normal to some extent for twenty somethings.

The advantage of them is that you get to have your kids with someone who hasn't had kids already with someone else and you get to put all your joint assets into them; not into his kids with someone else for decades.

It was said it takes 200k to pay for a kid up to adulthood. I'd say more - it doesn't magically stop at 18 or 21 or even 25. There are all sorts of demands and expectations and obligations. Car deposits, gap years, house deposits, uni fees, crises etc etc etc

You also get to not be a step mother, which is rarely easy. It generally goes well initially , a sort of honeymoon period when it's all novel ... Then the issues come out and it gets very sticky indeed.
Why subject yourself to the stress and the shit financial deal. You're taking somebody's else's leavings, sorry.

20 somethings will, if they get educated, get a career, a trade, whatever . . become the future 30 and 40 somethings with careers and assets etc. You're not comparing like with like by comparing them to older people.

As I said, you're selling yourself short. He must think he's won the lotto, that's why he keeps asking you if you're serious/ok. He knows you can and should do better for yourself.

EyeInTheSky23 · 07/12/2023 18:50

Anyway there's a half way house between early 20 somethings who are dependent on their parents, and nearly 40 yr old divorced men with three kids.

Maybe a late 20s, early 30s guy who's starting to get established in his career, on the property ladder, no kids yet etc.

EyeInTheSky23 · 07/12/2023 18:53

With someone closer to your own age you also get a peer, someone with the same life experience/background/zeitgeist/references etc.

I've dated older and the differences in that become very apparent and very uncomfortable after a while.

Fancying and getting on ok are not the be all and end all. You can have that with any number of people.

Volbeat · 07/12/2023 20:23

This guy has no kids @EyeInTheSky23

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