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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Re-evaluating friendships. How many friends do you speak to regularly ?

65 replies

Whatsgoingonwithmyhead · 07/12/2023 08:20

I’ve been re-evaluating my friendships.

While I have several friends I see every few months and love spending time with, I lack local friends who I see regularly (or even non-local ones who I communicate with regularly).

I feel the need for someone who knows what’s going on in my life & how I’m feeling - not necessarily on a daily basis (!) (we’re all busy, I know) but someone I can have a bit more regular contact & more chatty contact with

For example my “best” friends don’t live locally and we see each other twice per year (and it’s great) but in between they don’t seem to want to “chat” over the phone or WhatsApp - they just seem to like very occasional, very brief, messages . I couldn’t tell you what’s going on in their lives this week.

Is that because they have other friends who fulfil their needs, or do some people just not feel the need to chat?!

Unfortunately DH isn’t chatty and also not very good at understanding feelings. He’s a good bloke though.

Im just so lonely.

OP posts:
clearspilt · 07/12/2023 08:23

how far away do your two best friends live?

My two closest friends that i have been best friends with for 30 years and we have supported each other so much and honestly… not a single argument in 30 years …. well we don’t live locally but absolutely see each other every 6-8 weeks. Meeting half way for lunches and walks. Or for each birthday we go to birthday girls home town for celebration long lunch

clearspilt · 07/12/2023 08:24

I couldn’t tell you what’s going on in their lives this week.

really? that’s a shame. whilst two months can pass without seeing each other, there is never ever ever a week that passes without threads of us messaging one another and regular face time calls

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/12/2023 08:25

I guess it’s the status quo of that relationship- I don’t have many friends- but 4 close ones that I message near on daily, voice notes mainly. We download our lives that way. Long phone calls just aren’t practical with busy lives- and we probably won’t eachother bi-monthly.

Have you tried engaging more?

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/12/2023 08:31

I have a group of close friends who I have been friends with for going on 30 years. We all lived close to each other when we met but now all live all over the place. We communicate mostly on a whatsapp group chat and see each other when we can but we are all busy with jobs/kids, etc.

I have another couple of friends close by who I see a bit more frequently but again, all busy so not that often. I had my dc first out of my friendship group and they are teenagers now so am at a stage where I can do more but most of my friends have younger kids and have friends from them being at school who I guess they have more in common with these days so I can sometimes feel a bit jealous when they go out together but that's just life.

Do you have any hobbies/interests whereby you could make new friends? I sometimes think people feel a sense of loyalty to 'old' friends when actually, you might not have much in common any more. People change a lot over the years so finding new friends is natural...you can still keep in touch with your old ones.

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/12/2023 08:34

I very rarely speak to friends on the phone though. I do sometimes think it's a shame but I think that's just the way life has gone - everyone communicates via whatapp/social media these days. I think I would find it strange (but lovely all the same) if a friend rang out of the blue just for a chat now. I feel like I would be imposing if I did the same.

Original poster
Whatsgoingonwithmyhead · 07/12/2023 08:38

@clearspilt we live a 3 hour drive minimum (but involves the M25 so can take much longer!)

@OnlyFoolsnMothers yes I’ve tried engaging more like sending voice notes with a little update on my life (like a 2-3 minute message, not a half-hour monologue) but they would just reply half a week later with a ten-word text message .

Also when they message and say “how are you?” I get the feeling they are just looking for a “fine thanks!” reply, and not really looking for the detail of how I really am

For example, I have over recent months been suffering from awful anxiety and brain fog which I believe could be peri-menopause. I got HRT and have been taking it for a few months and it’s made everything worse and I am beyond gutted as I had been pinning my hopes on HRT. But none of my friends actually know this about me.

OP posts:
clearspilt · 07/12/2023 08:41

Whatsgoingonwithmyhead · 07/12/2023 08:38

@clearspilt we live a 3 hour drive minimum (but involves the M25 so can take much longer!)

@OnlyFoolsnMothers yes I’ve tried engaging more like sending voice notes with a little update on my life (like a 2-3 minute message, not a half-hour monologue) but they would just reply half a week later with a ten-word text message .

Also when they message and say “how are you?” I get the feeling they are just looking for a “fine thanks!” reply, and not really looking for the detail of how I really am

For example, I have over recent months been suffering from awful anxiety and brain fog which I believe could be peri-menopause. I got HRT and have been taking it for a few months and it’s made everything worse and I am beyond gutted as I had been pinning my hopes on HRT. But none of my friends actually know this about me.

but if you meet halfway at nice place for lunch and then walk afterwards…. it’s a lovely day and not too much driving!

clearspilt · 07/12/2023 08:41

op it doesn’t sound as though your best friends put much store in to the friendship. You don’t see them and they want the bare minimum and abrupt contact?

Original poster
Whatsgoingonwithmyhead · 07/12/2023 08:46

@clearspilt I know and it makes me sad. I don’t have anyone else.

I’ve tried hobby groups and while I have met some new people I’m friendly with, none of them have crossed the line into being friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsgoingonwithmyhead · 07/12/2023 08:55

Likewise with school mums - I’m friendly / chatty but haven’t established any friendships (despite trying!)

OP posts:
SallyWD · 07/12/2023 09:03

We've moved around a lot so all my closest friends live far away. We don't talk on the phone but do send WhatsApp messages several times a week so I really have a sense of connection to them. We all know what's going on in each other's lives. For example, we sometimes share what we're having for dinner or if I had a bad day at work I'd let them know (and vice versa) so we share small, mundane things as well as big, life changing news.
I have a few local friends here and meet them maybe once a month and we'll talk a lot but I share more with my other friends on WhatsApp.

category12 · 07/12/2023 09:06

Try to work on those local people you're friendly with. It takes time and lots of little interactions to build it up into a deeper friendship.

Try asking a couple of them for mince pies or a Christmas Market or something.

Crushed23 · 07/12/2023 09:09

I don’t do the daily chat thing with any of my friends and I am not part of any WhatsApp groups with friends.

I have a fair few friends and see them each about 4-5 times per year. Some more, some less (least of all because quite a few live abroad now!)

I should add that I’m single, live on my own and don’t have any family locally, so friends are very important to me. As you have a DH, OP, could you not get the daily interaction you want from him?

BananaPalm · 07/12/2023 09:18

Oh wow... it seems that most people on this thread are soooo lucky. One of my "best" friends hasn't replied to me for over 2 months, the other has just sent an "oooopsies" reply after a several of weeks of silence and the third one, from work, bailed on my party after I refused to do her yet another work-related favour.

Apart from my husband and mum, I have literally no one I could just call up and chat. Unless I initiate something or prove myself tangibly useful to someone, no one reaches out to me.

So yeah, I'd give a lot to have the types of friendships you people have... 🙁

Greyandrare123 · 07/12/2023 09:46

Im in a similar situation to you OP. My school friends meet with each other regulary and they live miles from each other. I get the very odd 'check in' message about once every 4 months or so. The texts are usually about the weather or for advice on a medical complaint or to tell me they are going on holiday.
Ocassionally I may get a 'lets catch up message' with no plans. I get the distinct impression its all out of a sense of historical duty as we went to school together. Plus I am having cancer treatment so they want to avoid feeling uncomfortable.
I like my work collesgues. We are not friends as such but I have no reason to 'catch up' because they see me x2 a week. We have a laugh too.
Ive 1 friend who checks in weekly with 'hows your week been?' and that suits me nicely.
Since getting cancer tho, so many friends have just disappeared.

mondaytosunday · 07/12/2023 09:51

Yes it's tricky. My 'best' friend of the last 12 years has really not made any effort since I moved 70 miles away. While my larger group of friends make an effort to meet up when I travel back (about once a month), she has only made it a couple times in two years. She doesn't work. Her kids are grown. We made a couple plans to meet halfway but she always cancelled. I'm quite hurt to be honest. I do have a couple local friends, one I see most weeks for a wine and catch up. It's lovely as we've known each other for over 30 years. But I miss my friend and wish she'd make our friendship more if a priority.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 07/12/2023 09:52

You need seasonal friends. These friends might turn into longer term/life long friends but might not, that's ok.

You say you've tried hobbies, the hobbies might need more time, or just a different group. Things like a community choir (the endorphin release puts everyone in a great mood and a lot go for drinks afterwards), outdoor yoga group, running group, book club, knot and chat groups (or stitch and bitch at a local pub if you can find one). Would your DH be up to learning to dance? They can be a fun group of people and they tend to arrange parties so everyone can have a dance!

Fraaahnces · 07/12/2023 10:13

I met two of my closest friends when I was studying. We text frequently and support each other. Next week we are celebrating the PhD of one and it will be the first time (apart from the funerals of parents) in about ten years that we are all three together.
Another close friend is the wife of one of my DH’s friends. We have a lot in common and chat maybe once a week.
I have two close friends I met when I lived overseas and have that experience in common with them. We chat frequently but don’t live anywhere near each other.
I know any of these friends have my back if I need it, and vice versa.
None of these people are high-maintenance. We are all good at respecting each others boundaries and needs. All of us genuinely care about each other but don’t need to be on the phone to each other constantly.
I had friendships like that that in the past and I just felt like they were friends for the sake of having numbers.

clearspilt · 07/12/2023 10:57

Do you work OP? Colleagues?

clearspilt · 07/12/2023 11:00

mondaytosunday · 07/12/2023 09:51

Yes it's tricky. My 'best' friend of the last 12 years has really not made any effort since I moved 70 miles away. While my larger group of friends make an effort to meet up when I travel back (about once a month), she has only made it a couple times in two years. She doesn't work. Her kids are grown. We made a couple plans to meet halfway but she always cancelled. I'm quite hurt to be honest. I do have a couple local friends, one I see most weeks for a wine and catch up. It's lovely as we've known each other for over 30 years. But I miss my friend and wish she'd make our friendship more if a priority.

How many times have you visited her since you moved? @mondaytosunday ?

Original poster
Whatsgoingonwithmyhead · 07/12/2023 11:06

I’m so sorry @Greyandrare123

OP posts:
clearspilt · 07/12/2023 11:11

do you work OP?

FrozenGhost · 07/12/2023 11:27

Sometimes I find a way to increase contact is dispense with the how are you/life update messages and try to send more random messages - funny thing happened today/just saw this weird thing on my walk today/can you believe this news story. If they response positively you both might get in to the habit of being in contact more.

Welshwabbit · 07/12/2023 11:31

My most frequent WhatsApp exchanges are with colleagues and ex-colleagues. Whilst we're no longer in the office together as often - or at all in the case of the ex-colleagues - we're already used to exchanging day to day stuff and more serious stuff on a daily basis, and WhatsApp messages are perfectly suited to that. I've worked in the same place for over 20 years, however, so I'm not typical.

My best friend and I have lived 250 miles apart for 25 years now. We message our Wordle grids to each other every day (I have other people with whom I do the same, it's a good way to stay in touch) and we do more substantive messages several times a week. We also go on holiday together with our families every other year now.

BUT I have developed all of this since Covid. Before that my best friend and I would message once in a blue moon (we did go through a phase of writing letters, which was fun!). I have hardly any WhatsApp exchanges with the ex-colleague I now exchange messages with pretty much every day dating from pre-2020. I think the enforced lack of in person contact during Covid really brought home to me how important it was (for me, anyway) to have regular contact with the people I love.

I wonder if there is any kind of "hook" you can use (like Wordle, although I know it's not for everyone) to get your friends used to more regular contact? If you're in touch - in any way - every day, I think discussing more about your life becomes natural.

Welshwabbit · 07/12/2023 11:32

Also agree with @FrozenGhost that funny messages/memes are a really good way to spark a chat.