Re-evaluating friendships. How many friends do you speak to regularly ?

[Whatsgoingonwithmyhead]

I’ve been re-evaluating my friendships.

While I have several friends I see every few months and love spending time with, I lack local friends who I see regularly (or even non-local ones who I communicate with regularly).

I feel the need for someone who knows what’s going on in my life & how I’m feeling - not necessarily on a daily basis (!) (we’re all busy, I know) but someone I can have a bit more regular contact & more chatty contact with

For example my “best” friends don’t live locally and we see each other twice per year (and it’s great) but in between they don’t seem to want to “chat” over the phone or WhatsApp - they just seem to like very occasional, very brief, messages . I couldn’t tell you what’s going on in their lives this week.

Is that because they have other friends who fulfil their needs, or do some people just not feel the need to chat?!

Unfortunately DH isn’t chatty and also not very good at understanding feelings. He’s a good bloke though.

Im just so lonely.

It depends on how much you want/need yourself I suppose. Tbh I would detest someone leaving me daily voicemails and constant texts that I felt I needed to answer at all let alone within a certain timeframe. I would find it absolutely smothering.

I cannot begin to imagine a group of people doing this every day like one of the above posters has happening in her life.

Yet I can imagine it can be cathartic for some people.

I sometimes think I should try this. At least there'd be no disappointments. I could make an active choice to stop trying.

For the two posters doing that, are you single?

I will admit, my mum was approached by a new neighbour with a baby, who asked "haven't you got a daughter my age, I need to meet people". But she misunderstood my age and tbh, I've had 20 years of politely being interested in friends' children and they've all vanished anyway. I don't really feel like doing the whole "friends with babies and toddlers" thing again. I really didn't enjoy it. Had to lie down after a few outings with toddlers!

I do think my age is a tricky one (47). I think maybe when people start retiring or cutting back on work, it will be easier. I can go into an over 55s flat too.

I did evening language classes which were mostly people doing it for work reasons, of course.

In my 30s I did a Saturday creative writing thing that was good for drinks after - made two friends who then vanished into family life.

This summer I dated a man half my age, I ended it because I am not relationshippy. But he would get back together in a heartbeat and sometimes .i wonder if I should try again. We have a lot in common, no matter how much the age gap horrifies MN.

So some decisions to make. I think trying to replace my old social life isn't realistic.

ETA someone started a thread about dropping friends as a new year resolution but .i don't think she said why she wanted to. A lot of people on MN seem to find friends a liability, which is something I might need to learn to accept. It honestly never occurred to me before joining MN.

@EmmaEmerald i do have a Dh, but as he’s been a long distance lorry driver (international) I’ve learnt to see the positives of being home alone - mobile phones weren’t even a thing when he first went away. I still enjoy the days he’s not here, and vice versa and no, we don’t keep in daily contact by phone unless something is needed to be done/known/checked by the other one. We are two very independent people who happen to enjoy spending sometime together. An old, odd couple.

Relationships come in all manner of shapes and forms, so long as it’s something you both want, and you aren’t hurting anyone, then do what suits you.

Friendships (this is only my opinion) are nice to have, but are like sprinkles on a good cake - an optional extra not a necessity, for me sprinkles are very much food which set my teeth on edge and are expensive.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 my friends meant the world to me, they were my family. So I guess there's a lot to process.

I've lived alone for 22 years, but only the last three years didn't involve constant friend visits, so I guess I wasn't living alone in a way.

@EmmaEmerald paths cross and then they uncross. Despite our best efforts, time does march on and nothing stays the same.
Enjoy them for what they were, but remember there are two sides to a friendship, and you cannot force someone whose needs have changed to be friends with you, no matter how important they are to you.
Yes be sad, but also learn to enjoy your own company and see the positives of being you, whilst you look for new friends. (If that’s what you want).

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 "you cannot force someone whose needs have changed to be friends with you, no matter how important they are to you."

oh I'd never do that.

this has been a really useful thread actually....perhaps the hermit path is the one to tread. I've been on MN so much lamenting this problem, perhaps it's time to just make peace with it.

I think this is very perceptive.

I had kids late and my university and early stage work groups of friends just evaporated like smoke when they had their own kids.

I do also think pp is right that you need to lightly spread your net very wide and let almost everyone slip through it until you click with someone, then it's normally fairly natural to become friends with that person.

Have any of you looking for friends tried Meetup or Facebook social groups? Walking groups etc
There's so many now.

I have friends I've known years and some from an old job. I'm mega sociable though and always try to include others. I hate the thought of people being lonely. It's a dreadful feeling.

Please try and push yourself to try new things. Once you start it gets easier.

Just thought
Those god awful round robin Xmas and New Year messages people send, when they've not even replied to messages for months...there's no need to reply to those, is there? They're just crossing me off their tick list.

@EmmaEmerald I view those as not needing to be replied to ever. It’s just a way of them making themselves feel less guilty about not checking in with you the rest of the year. That’s not my problem to solve.
But be aware that you probably won’t ever hear from them again. If that makes your loneliness feel worse, then it’s a good idea to reply. You also tend to get labelled a grinch for not replying. (Meh, we don’t celebrate Christmas anyway.)

So I have 4 very close friends and we meet up for lunch twice a week, do gym classes on other days and the WhatsApp group is about 30 messages a day.

I met two of them initially at the gym. One of them was a regular in a class I went to and she seemed lovely. I noticed she often met someone in the members lounge after a class. And then I ended up having a coffee with them and that was that. At roughly the same time someone else in a gym class hadn’t been feeling very well so I helped her, stayed for a drink with her and suddenly she was part of the group. I also cycle with a ladies cycling group…..and invited a couple of ladies from there to come to the gym on a guest pass and one of those has stayed and ended up being a good friend. They are all people that I know would (and have) drop stuff and run and help in an emergency. I’ve made other (not as close) friends from the cycling club. One of the group also runs and I know has made friends via a running club.

I think you need to actively try and find some new friends who will meet your need for more regular contact.

OP, in my experience, a lot of people don't have or seek the kind of close friendship you are craving. In order not to feel lonely, it might help to reframe what you want from friendship. Casual friendship can be really uplifting and rewarding if you think of it in terms of taking you out of yourself. If friends say, 'How are you?' it's fine to reply something like, 'In the mood for a trip to the cinema!' or similar to encourage meet ups that will take your mind off any issues preoccupying you. Once I realised the value of this sort of friendship and didn't try to deepen it, I enjoyed life much more.

Actually this thread has given me an epiphany

Those stupid Christmas messages make me feel worse anyway, people who
I thought were friends, I tolerated lots of time with their toddlers running around...now those kids are teens and I'm still an afterthought.

I had the sort of thing Cormorant describes but a lot of is luck, which I had in spades before lockdown.

I've spent 2022 and a fair chunk of 2023 trying "new" things, and trying make friends...it hasn't worked, I'm not going to keep trying. If I fancy an activity, of course I'll try it, but not trying anything "to meet people" anymore.

But I won't hijack OP thread by going on about my epiphany!

Best of luck to those who are still going to give it a go.

I'm like you OP.
I love to chat. DH doesn't. I like meaningful friendships, not joined at the hip at all, but a 1 to 1 now and then and quick text updates from time to time, nothing scary.
I miss the infrequent but long and thorough telephone conversations/life reviews I used to have with friends living far away, or the quick text exchanges and informal dinners and quick cup of teas with more local friends, and the odd party. All this has faded away with and post-covid. You would have thought that we would have wanted to hang on to our connections but the opposite happened.

I have really pleasant interactions with lovely people whilst playing my sport and whilst attending art events, and the odd chatty work telephone conversation (I WFH), and that's the extend of my social life. I prefer that to waiting 2,5 weeks for a 5 words reply to my 5 words text checking up on former friends.
When I look back on the whirlwindy social life I used to enjoy, I can't believe what a sad git I've become.

Recently we've started getting invitations to parties again, which I love(d), but on reflection I can't be bothered in making up a crowd for people who have become and will now remain virtual strangers.

So to reply to you OP I think that a lot of people are treating friendship as a commodity, and pick up and drop people as their needs fluctuate.