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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Re-evaluating friendships. How many friends do you speak to regularly ?

65 replies

Whatsgoingonwithmyhead · 07/12/2023 08:20

I’ve been re-evaluating my friendships.

While I have several friends I see every few months and love spending time with, I lack local friends who I see regularly (or even non-local ones who I communicate with regularly).

I feel the need for someone who knows what’s going on in my life & how I’m feeling - not necessarily on a daily basis (!) (we’re all busy, I know) but someone I can have a bit more regular contact & more chatty contact with

For example my “best” friends don’t live locally and we see each other twice per year (and it’s great) but in between they don’t seem to want to “chat” over the phone or WhatsApp - they just seem to like very occasional, very brief, messages . I couldn’t tell you what’s going on in their lives this week.

Is that because they have other friends who fulfil their needs, or do some people just not feel the need to chat?!

Unfortunately DH isn’t chatty and also not very good at understanding feelings. He’s a good bloke though.

Im just so lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsgoingonwithmyhead · 07/12/2023 12:32

Thanks everyone for the suggestions

yes @clearspilt i do work but I WFH 99% of the time. I wouldn’t really consider switching jobs as I have found the dream job that is well paid, low stress and flexible which is amazing as I have a young child and DH has a completely inflexible job

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsgoingonwithmyhead · 07/12/2023 12:32

So while I get along fine with colleagues they aren’t friends

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsgoingonwithmyhead · 07/12/2023 19:18

Been thinking about this a lot today.

My two “best friends” aren’t doing anything wrong - they are lovely - they just don’t meet what I personally need in a best friend, which is regular contact.

Like I say I’ve tried the voice-notes, more regular contact & that’s not their thing. Which is fine. I guess I just need to find that elsewhere.

OP posts:
category12 · 07/12/2023 19:32

I think WFH can be very lonely. Can you join a class or hobby group or something similar to get you meeting more people?

AbsMcGraw · 07/12/2023 21:27

I’m with 100%. I just want real relationships like I had when I was younger.

Angelina1972 · 08/12/2023 04:55

Could you take on an extra job like maybe bar work one evening a week to get you more socialised and out there?

I think that’s what I’d be thinking of doing in your situation. I don’t wfh do my social needs are largely met by nice work colleagues.

mezlou84 · 08/12/2023 06:17

Sounds like you're friends with me lol. I do not communicate very well over text and phone. I am a very poor at replying and it's not got anything to do with my friends. They all know I'm rubbish unless in front of them or they message with how they're really feeling. If you were to text me or leave a voice message it's very unlikely you'll get a response unless urgent for a few days. Not because of how friendly I am, it's literally because I have 3 autistic children and absolutely shocking memory. I will read or listen and be seeing to kids and think of I'll reply in a minute soon as I've done this and I forget. Then it's 2-3 days later and I'm like oh FFS they're going to think I'm being a cow. All my friends know that about me and they either don't mind or just say typical you and we move on. You can mince words with me, if you need me to talk or want more feelings talk you put the truth so I get to you so so much faster. You jump the queue of kids trying to put anything in their mouths, nappy changes, trying to keep things clean etc etc. You go from being im alright thankyou just been doing this and I will reply when I get a second to myself to I will get back to you asap as soon as kids aren't being dangerous or I'm not cooking. Try being more honest in your messages and they may be more forthcoming. We all lead busy lives and a message saying I'm alright how're you gets pushed to the back of the priority list x

the7Vabo · 08/12/2023 11:08

I note you have kids OP. I’ve found it so much easier to make friends locally since having kids. They provide the ultimate ice breaker & to me allow me to get to know people much more quickly whereas in hobbies etc it feels more try hard.
I put myself out there though. I was chatting to a girl in a running class 3-4 years ago & we figured out our kids were in the same nursery. When I asked my 2 year old if he knew her son he said no, but when the crèche sent a class photo I said “who is that beside you?” and the 2 year old said her sons name. So I pulled her number from then What’s App group messaged her to say turns out our sons do know each other & asked her to meet up with them. We’ve been be close ever since, and I have other friends who I became close to in a similar way. For example, I was in a park with one mum friend and met a girl id previously met in a babygroup and asked if she wanted to join us for dinner. She did, now 5-6 of us do stuff together.

NotAllWhoWanderAreLost · 08/12/2023 11:15

I think different friendships have different dynamics.

Some of mine are fairly balanced in terms of communication, some I feel like I do most of the work, one of them I feel like I do ALL of the work but it’s not that they don’t want to be friends, they just aren’t great at communication.

The best thing I read was “stop being pissed off at people for not being who YOU want THEM to be” this has really helped me reframe my perspective and I no longer sit evaluating or reevaluating things.

Abbyant · 08/12/2023 12:26

I’ve two mum friends that I speak to at the school gate and have had a couple play dates with and I have five friends in uni one of which also has a child the same age so we talk regularly the other four I talk to pretty much every other day.

MystyLuna · 08/12/2023 19:28

I haven't spoken to anyone in a friend capacity in over 13 years and the last 13 years have been the happiest of my life. No hassle

trader21c · 08/12/2023 19:45

Sometimes I feel I need more than my best friend can give me … we live far enough away to have to make arrangements to see each other. When we lived in the same street it was brilliant! In that respect I wish we’d never changed the dynamic. That said we are both busy - exchange WhatsApp’s though I would usually reply almost instantly she can take much longer. We do sometimes WhatsApp saying fancy a chat on the phone? Apart from her I have more casual friendships in the sports centre I use - no-one else really it’s tricky

Original poster
Whatsgoingonwithmyhead · 08/12/2023 21:09

@MystyLuna but do you have other people eg family who fill the gap?

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 08/12/2023 22:22

I have the same feelings as you OP.

wordsrunning · 08/12/2023 22:31

I sympathise, OP. I feel I have drifted away from a lot of friends. So many friendships became tenuous, less than they used to be and there comes a point when it feels like too much investment or expectation for so little return. I guess the best advice is be open to possibilities, don't expect too much of others so you won't be disappointed.

EmmaEmerald · 08/12/2023 22:37

I hear a lot about this on MN, in the media...I wonder how friendship got devalued.

I do also wonder if social media is connected. I'm online lot because of losing friends, but do a lot of people prefer to socialise online?

Have far more options for entertainment than in the past? More involved with older DC than previous generations?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/12/2023 23:13

I have two best friends that I message almost every day, another tier of about 5 more friends at least once a week and another 5 more at least once a month. I see a friend at least twice a week.

EmmaEmerald · 08/12/2023 23:15

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/12/2023 23:13

I have two best friends that I message almost every day, another tier of about 5 more friends at least once a week and another 5 more at least once a month. I see a friend at least twice a week.

I used to have this

i really miss it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/12/2023 23:16

I think you need to be a friend first and they'll come to you- extend invites to people, check in on them, ask how that thing went - when you naturally click friendships will blossom.

Do you have a partner/family? If so people can often assume you're busy with them

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/12/2023 23:18

@EmmaEmerald I am
On my phone a lot! And I don't have a partner at the moment so I do need these pals for social support! I think if you miss it you can start it again, especially if you do new things. I've just been doing so much maternity leave mum stuff and lots of mums are dying to meet nice people for coffees and walks and stuff but are too shy to ask. You need to keep extending invites and also not fear rejection as some people aren't up for new friends and that's ok. I wish I could extend this bravery to dating men!

Yogachick · 08/12/2023 23:19

I’ve realised I have none. I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to retire very early but it’s made me realise how I relied on work colleagues as friends. None of whom actually bother to want to see me ,though I get a daily text from my alleged ‘bestie’,only very general stuff though. No’let’s meet up’ suggestions. DH isn’t much of a talker like OP’s. I too am lonely ,added to social anxiety so am finding I don’t want to go out or do anything

minipie · 08/12/2023 23:29

I have had friends who fulfil this daily contact role at every life stage.

But the key thing is they were there having that life stage with me.

School friends, then uni friends, then work friends, then mum friends.

I have kept in touch with some from each stage - but once I or they are no longer in that stage I wouldn’t expect the same daily or even weekly contact. Partly because I am crap on the phone whether whatsapp or voice, I need to see someone to have a proper chat.

I can only echo the advice to make a renewed effort with any local friends/acquaintances as those are your most likely source of very regular contact IME.

EmmaEmerald · 08/12/2023 23:32

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/12/2023 23:16

I think you need to be a friend first and they'll come to you- extend invites to people, check in on them, ask how that thing went - when you naturally click friendships will blossom.

Do you have a partner/family? If so people can often assume you're busy with them

I'm single and childfree

I've tried a lot of stuff

many people disappeared into families, didn't re-emerge, lockdown etc

i always help out - my friends helped me with a spinal injury, but they are gone now.

i actually feel a bit of a fool for helping people now tbh

i think it might be time to try an app or something, I don't know.

my best friend is struggling with elderly mother, as am I, but also a director level job, and just is maxed out on daily chat. I understand that but it creates a big vacuum in my life, which I'd love to fill.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/12/2023 23:52

@EmmaEmerald I remember when my friends started having kids before me I felt like I'd lost a lot of my mates. But then I realized that they were making an effort to make mum friends I would also have to make an effort to build new friendships with people who want to do what I wanted to do (at that time lots of city breaks and nights out!)
I made a couple of great friends renting a room out on spare room (if you have one). I think a women's only class like hoopla or burlesque or belly dancing or something like that would also be a great one to try or a beginners language course - all very social. I've also made friends like that - learning bonds you

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 08/12/2023 23:53

MystyLuna · 08/12/2023 19:28

I haven't spoken to anyone in a friend capacity in over 13 years and the last 13 years have been the happiest of my life. No hassle

Me too, I’m five years down this particular road.

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