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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really need this new job to leave my shit marriage

81 replies

WantaNewLife24 · 05/12/2023 11:15

Hi, thanks for reading. I am keeping this completely to myself so just want to share with someone.
I thought I had the perfect marriage. 20 years married, 19 year old twins, we always got on brilliantly.
I found out that DH had been looking up escorts and hook up sites. To say I was blindsided was an understatement. Of course he was only just looking and had never done anything.
Against my better judgement I ‘forgave’ him as I was such a wreck. Mainly because the kids were doing their GCSEs and I barely earn any money.
Fast forward to now, my boys are happy at uni and I have just found all this shit in his search history again. I’m done.
He wants us to move so the house will be going on the market in the new year, and I have a job interview next month for a position that will pay me enough to go it alone. I’m quietly getting my ducks in a row, hoping we get a quick offer on the house and praying I get the job.
I just needed to tell someone! Thank you :)

OP posts:
FartSock5000 · 05/12/2023 11:30

@WantaNewLife24 go you! You can do this.

Make sure you see a solicitor to confirm your financial options. You'd be surprised at what you can go for after 20 years married and NEVER take advice from DH.

You know your worth and the rest of your life will start fresh very soon once you unload his dead weight.

Hbosh · 05/12/2023 12:10

Good luck!
You're very brave. You can do this.
I hope you'll find your peace once you've left him.

DelphiniumBlue · 05/12/2023 12:12

Yes, make sure you get legal advice before selling the house. You've got more leverage while you are in the house, you do't want the situation where the house is sold and the proceeds frozen pending agreement while you are trying to fond somewhere else to live.

NosamLDN · 05/12/2023 13:45

Always best to be done for the sake of your happiness. Good on you for finally getting the balls

rolsete · 05/12/2023 13:47

Good for you! You will feel SO much better once you are FREE from this. I've been in a similar boat and it took time to get ducks in a row, to get a job and become independent again, but it really does happen over time. You will get there and you will be amazing on your own. You're not alone - so many women go through this and come out the other side. Stay strong!

Crikeyalmighty · 05/12/2023 14:00

Go you OP! This is the best way to do it- he is such a twat!

Sisiwawa · 05/12/2023 15:34

You've got this, well done on taking the necessary steps.
See a good solicitor regarding the house, his pension etc.
Also, start to collect up info on bank accounts, investments, debts, his pensions, assets, everything and get yourself organised.
Good luck with the job! It will all come together ❤️

Epidote · 05/12/2023 15:39

Good luck! Go to see a solicitor half of all is yours.

Watchkeys · 05/12/2023 17:28

Sounds like you've got your shit together :) This job isn't your only shot. There will be others. Don't over-pressure yourself. You got this interview. Get others too! The world is yours...

Timeout22 · 05/12/2023 17:32

Best of luck. You should be really proud of yourself for getting your stuff together

Original poster
WantaNewLife24 · 05/12/2023 18:04

Thank you so much everyone. You don’t know how much your support has boosted me as it’s hard keeping up the pretence all is ok.
I loved him so much when this started that I couldnt imagine not being with him, but gradually the love and respect has gone.
I almost felt happy when I found his search history as I had been cross with myself for being such a pushover before. I know I could have ended it at any time but I felt I had missed the boat of being wronged.
I can’t come on here that much as I am with him most of the time when I’m not at my little job. I just wanted to say a huge thanks.
i will take the advice to see a solicitor. Thank you

OP posts:
EarthSight · 05/12/2023 18:21

I'll be really interested to know what he plans on telling his children about why his marriage is ending.

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 06/12/2023 06:15

EarthSight · 05/12/2023 18:21

I'll be really interested to know what he plans on telling his children about why his marriage is ending.

He'll just tell them his wife broke her marriage vows and stopped loving him once she had children. That's what the clever one say. The stupid ones bring sex into it and say they had had sex since 2015.

Soonenough · 06/12/2023 06:25

He doesn't get to decide everything. Do you want to sell the house ? Maybe see if you can buy him out if so. Like everyone else here , I urge you to see a solicitor , it isn't always just 50/50 . You are entitled to savings, pensions, etc.
I have been there too. Once you see the cheating sleazy side of him , all love and respect goes. Makes leaving so much easier. If the DCs are uni age , they can be told the truth . Why should you protect his reputation? This is the consequence of his behaviour and his problem.

Sunflowergirl1 · 06/12/2023 06:34

EarthSight · 05/12/2023 18:21

I'll be really interested to know what he plans on telling his children about why his marriage is ending.

Be ready for the shit that it is all your fault.
Good luck re the job and a new future

jeaux90 · 06/12/2023 06:49

OP well done! Go see a solicitor as a Christmas present to yourself.

Divorce is the negotiation of your life so make sure it's a solicitor you trust.

When you actually tell him make it a matter of fact. It's happening, how do we centre the DC in the conversation etc.

Hope you get the job.

billy1966 · 06/12/2023 09:01

Well done OP.
Definitely legal advice quickly.

When the house is sold is the perfect time to split the proceeds.

Has he a pension?

That needs to be part of the settlement.

Don't be naive.
Women end up living in poverty because they don't get what they are entitled to.

We are here for you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/12/2023 09:08

Why is he with you all the time?

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/12/2023 09:08

I mean, why is he with you all day? Doesn't he work?

Original poster
WantaNewLife24 · 06/12/2023 09:54

I work part time in a shop (just noticed I called it my little job - that’s what he calls it)
he works from home but not many hours so we are generally together when I’m home.
I won’t be taking the blame for this. I’ve thought hard about it and will tell the boys he has done something I find unacceptable. If they want details they can have them. I will leave it up to them.
it should be a pretty clean break. There are a bit of joint savings (of which I shall move half before I tell him) and no pensions.
I do have a house jointly owned with my brother that our dad left us. This is currently let out and the rental income pays for the boys rent at uni.
I said I will sell it one day to help them with deposits. I’m hoping he won’t go after this as it’s for our children (but who knows). I will definitely see a solicitor.
We also have another house jointly owned with DH (also let but no profit at the moment - it’s for our retirement as no pension)
I don’t want to stay in our house, not that I could afford to buy him out. My half of the equity will give me a 50% deposit on a 3 bed and I can afford the mortgage on that if I get this job.
Im 100% sure I want to go. It’s just a matter of waiting now.
thanks again for the support and advice

OP posts:
rockingbird · 06/12/2023 09:57

Go on woman!! I'm here to support you. Did much the same, took me a while but a year on I'm so bloody happy and independent 🙌

GreatGateauxsby · 06/12/2023 10:00

He wants us to move so the house will be going on the market in the new year.

Perfect timing. Bide your time and once it is at exchange /completion announce your intentions.
That way there is no messing around on a court order to sell. You can get straight on with your new life.

Do not sugar coat it for the boys.
Do KEEP applying for jobs. It's a numbers game.
Do KEEP the faith. You are doing brilliantly and he is a turd.

Emily29 · 06/12/2023 10:00

Hope it all works out for you! :)

rockingbird · 06/12/2023 10:04

Agree about not sugar coating it, I've been open and honest with my two boys. I want them to learn from their father's mistakes (many affairs).. interestingly his own father did the same and his mother never spoke about it but they all knew! I'm struggling to find a man that doesn't think with his dick.. quite a rare breed it would appear!!

Take the fecker to the cleaners, change your hair and buy a new wardrobe of clothes, you deserve it all xx

NameChangeAgain23 · 06/12/2023 10:08

Another one here to support #TeamOP

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