Really need this new job to leave my shit marriage

[WantaNewLife24]

Hi, thanks for reading. I am keeping this completely to myself so just want to share with someone.
I thought I had the perfect marriage. 20 years married, 19 year old twins, we always got on brilliantly.
I found out that DH had been looking up escorts and hook up sites. To say I was blindsided was an understatement. Of course he was only just looking and had never done anything.
Against my better judgement I ‘forgave’ him as I was such a wreck. Mainly because the kids were doing their GCSEs and I barely earn any money.
Fast forward to now, my boys are happy at uni and I have just found all this shit in his search history again. I’m done.
He wants us to move so the house will be going on the market in the new year, and I have a job interview next month for a position that will pay me enough to go it alone. I’m quietly getting my ducks in a row, hoping we get a quick offer on the house and praying I get the job.
I just needed to tell someone! Thank you :)

Well done! It’s so liberating. I did this in 2016 and have never looked back. I have a wonderful partner now. Ex-DH and I are actually quite friendly these days and I like his new wife, too.

TBH even though it’s half yours I’m not sure that I’d move money out of the joint account unless the solicitor thinks it’s ok. Do everything above board. Partly for legal reasons (which I know nothing about btw!) and partly because you don’t want to irk him into chasing a quarter of that house you own with your sibling (again, not sure if he can do this legally but I’m putting it out there).

No pensions? How can you have worked enough to have 3 properties but no pension?

Make sure you get to the truth, don't take his word for anything.

You are my idol. A woman with boundaries. Definitely #team@WantaNewLife24 we need many more women like you.

If dp ever referred to my work as a little job I'd lose interest in him. 20 years is quite an achievement- seems like enough.

Op you are so brave. Wishing you much strength and luck, please let us know how you are getting on when it's possible to do so.

I am so joining your team @WantaNewLife24 I also want a new life in 24! My dh has done this exact same thing, searching online for hookup sites and whatever else. And like yours he 'hasn't done anything about it.' Oh, and it's obviously all my fault and what do I expect etc etc... Again, like you, I was relieved when I found this and finally felt justified in wanting to put this absolute sham of a marriage to an end. Another similar thing is that my eldest is in GCSE year now so I'm biding my time while I gather everything together.

When I discovered this online activity though, I convinced myself it might not be that bad (as I always do), but when I see you posting about it and others commenting on it, it gives me the kick up the bum I need to see that yes this is bad! It's bad! It's complete shit! And we do not need to put up with it.

We can do this, me and you, and anyone else who needs to join the team.

Sending all the positive vibes that you get this new job!!😀

I would move it but don't misspend it

Sorry for the delay in replying. I’m doing lots of hours at work at the moment because of Christmas. I enjoy my job (supermarket) and it’s so nice this time of year when most people are happy. I wish I could afford to move out and keep this job.
thank you for all of the new support. I really love hearing about people who have made the break and are enjoying their new lives.
@WinkyTinky im sorry to hear you are in the same position. It does feel like a relief though to find they are doing it again and something in you just snaps. I have been back and forth in my decision making for ages now and it was eating me up. There was something so calm in that moment where my brain literally put its foot down and said we are done.
Maybe I won’t move the money, I had just read that on here before. I don’t think he would take it all anyway.
im trying to throw myself into Christmas now. Pick one son up from uni this weekend and he is home for about 6 weeks, the other will be home for about 3 weeks. I can’t wait to have them back in the house!

@WantaNewLife24 can I just say too that it's the right choice- once you realise your H is an utter sleaze I personally feel that you never feel the same way about them - for some that 'tipping' point will be prostitutes , others hookups, others texting others, others masses of porn use. (Not every women feels cool about it)

Good luck 🤞

I typed a message but it’s gone. So apologies I post twice.
it is certainly a tipping point. It wasn’t even a decision, I just snapped.
he came in about half an hour ago and said he needs to go to into the office for the afternoon. I wouldn’t normally bay an eyelid at the once a month or so this happens, but now I’m wondering if that’s where he has really gone. I could phone and ask for him but I don’t care.
Im on the laptop now and am going to down load everything I can think of that I may need.
Im ashamed to say I have never so much as set up a direct debit in my life as he deals with everything to do with money

Good going! Pack and move off site any valuables like personal jewelry and passport too. Just so things don’t go missing if you need to bug out. You can do this! Take advantage of “escort days” to explore the house, have time alone, and copy financials. Also try to convert money, if you can, into something like cash or gift cards. He is taking family money and paying escorts. I think you are entitled to the same amount that you can rely on after the split.

A woman with a plan!

Hats off to you wantanewlife24

Escort days!! He’s so gross.

good advice about getting my valuables sorted too.

I’ve found everything I can …..

Our mortgage - just under £200k, value £500k

me & dh btl house mortgage - £90k, value £150k

me and brother inherited let house - no mortgage, value £190k

£21k in joint savings

as mentioned, we don’t have pensions. I’m so stupid, I just went from job to job and have bits of pensions everywhere. I doubt they are worth anything.

dh earns £85k. My new job will pay £35k if I get it. Plus £450 a month from my half of rent from my dads house. (I currently pay this to the boys to top up their student loan)

mine and dh let house, the rent just about covers the mortgage

car on finance but that’s in his name. I drive a paid for old car.

the only bank account we have is a joint one where everything goes in and out of.

i have also saved copies of everything I can find

just putting it on here for quick reference and if anyone can think of anything else I need to do!

And a good idea about buying gift cards. Genius. I do all of the Christmas shopping so he wouldn’t notice

He will probably be entitled to half your half of your house with brother. But you are entitled to half the btl house and half your current house. It may be he will agree you keep the house with your brother and he keep the btl and the savings. Split the £500 k house.

Speak to a solicitor about it. You could argue for more as you have been a low earner raising the kids so he may have to pay you spousal maintenance.

I can't believe he's not got a pension. I'm sure it's law to have give a pension as an employer!! Make sure you check that because to me it sounds like he's hiding it. And you can ask for a chunk of that too.

Get proof the income from your house with your brother is going to the kids. This is essential otherwise he could argue its income and you haven't been as low an earner as you actually have been.

Gift cards go out of date. Remember that!

Make sure you've got a sole bank account set up, for your new wages to be paid into!

Do shops still give cash back ? Better than gift cards , If so do it as much as you can £50 here £50 there
dont show him the shopping receipts that’s all
just say you must of lost it or it must be in the boot !

Rancid bastard. You are doing entirely right thing and I’m cheering for you!!!

You asked if there is anything else to consider. If you have a will maybe rewrite it.

How sure are you that he doesn’t have a pension? Earning £85k it would be ridiculous not to for the level of tax benefit and employer contributions. Do not make any assumptions at this stage. If you can dig around and find any of his payslips, even old ones, they’ll show any payments to a pension.

And echoing what everyone else has said - get a good solicitor. Do not agree to what he says for an easy life.

Good luck!

Re his pension - he works on a self employed basis and doesn’t have one. We did speak to someone about 3 years ago but the contributions would have needed to be way too much. We decided to buy the btl house instead with the idea that the mortgage would be repaid by the time we retired.
I have been thinking about setting up a sole bank account but I’m so scared a letter will come to the house so will leave that until nearer the time.
I think my plan is to not give any clues and then just hit him with it in one go. I am hopeful I can hold on to my dads house if I say that it is for the boys and he would be depriving them if he went after it. My lovely dad worked so hard to buy something to leave us, it makes my blood boil to think of dh getting it and spending my dads hard earned money on prostitutes
we collected one of the boys from uni yesterday and it has given me a lovely new focus to have him home again. His brother finishes a bit later but I can’t wait to have them both home for Christmas
thank you for all for the support and kind messages. Oh and I will definitely redo my will, great point.