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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really need this new job to leave my shit marriage

81 replies

WantaNewLife24 · 05/12/2023 11:15

Hi, thanks for reading. I am keeping this completely to myself so just want to share with someone.
I thought I had the perfect marriage. 20 years married, 19 year old twins, we always got on brilliantly.
I found out that DH had been looking up escorts and hook up sites. To say I was blindsided was an understatement. Of course he was only just looking and had never done anything.
Against my better judgement I ‘forgave’ him as I was such a wreck. Mainly because the kids were doing their GCSEs and I barely earn any money.
Fast forward to now, my boys are happy at uni and I have just found all this shit in his search history again. I’m done.
He wants us to move so the house will be going on the market in the new year, and I have a job interview next month for a position that will pay me enough to go it alone. I’m quietly getting my ducks in a row, hoping we get a quick offer on the house and praying I get the job.
I just needed to tell someone! Thank you :)

OP posts:
barbarahunter · 10/12/2023 08:06

Well done, OP. I did something similar a few years back now. What amazed me is that he really thought that I was ok with his dreadful behaviour.... he thought I would stick around forever? I wonder how surprised your 'D' H will be.

Pashazade · 10/12/2023 08:23

OP, this might be helpful for when you get that far.

survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/banking/opening-a-new-bank-account-safely/

Original poster
WantaNewLife24 · 10/12/2023 09:07

Thank you for the info on the banks. That’s really useful.
I think he does think I will forgive anything. We have been together for so long and he has always looked after all of the finances and earnt the vast majority of the money.
When this all originally came to light a couple of years ago we spoke (argued) about separating. He said I wouldn’t survive without him and how did I expect to be able to look after myself. He’s never been horrible to me so this really stuck in my mind.
I just need enough income so praying I get this job. £35k isn’t the most money in the world but it’s £10k more than anything else I’ve seen that I could do in my area.
the more I think about it the more I realise he is controlling to some extent. I’ve always seen it as looking after us, but I can see he won’t like the thought of me being able to actually run my life by myself.
I can’t fucking wait.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 10/12/2023 09:14

Definitely get yourself a bank account just for you asap. When the time comes it will be waiting for your half of the savings and for your wages to go into.

LadyLolaRuben · 10/12/2023 09:44

Use this time OP to set up everything you need. Become independent in the security of the relationship without him realising. So when its time to separate he cant rock your world x

marmitegirl01 · 10/12/2023 21:42

Brilliant that you have a plan. Keep strong. Good luck and enjoy your boys at Christmas. Keep us posted

itsmylife7 · 10/12/2023 22:10

Good luck @WantaNewLife24

barbarahunter · 11/12/2023 08:35

Sending all positive vibes that you get the job, OP.

stayathomegardener · 11/12/2023 09:12

Don't forget you need to be in a new job for a certain amount of time to raise a mortgage.

Good luck.

Original poster
WantaNewLife24 · 12/12/2023 08:05

I will definitely keep you all posted.
re my new mortgage. If I do get the new job then I expect I will be in it for a little while before I apply as we will need to put our house in the market and hopefully get an offer.
I have spoken briefly to a mortgage broker. They said some banks will accept a contract of employment , but if I want to use overtime then I need 3 payslips.
i think I have done as much as I can for now and will have to see if I get the job next month.
thanks again to everyone who commented with advice and support. It has been such a huge help to me to share this with someone

OP posts:
Papillon23 · 12/12/2023 08:17

Worth remembering that you can ask for your updated income situation to be taken into account for next year's student loans - they normally run a couple of years behind so they can use finalised tax figures but if you have had a significant drop in household income (as you will have), I think you can ask them to use more up to date information.

That should then entitle the kids to more student loan at uni so you can use the income from the other house to support yourself rather than them.

Original poster
WantaNewLife24 · 12/12/2023 08:28

@Papillon23
(I’ve now figured out how to tag!). Thank you so much, that is really useful. I was hoping to keep the house on the promise that the money would go to the boys, but also wished I could keep a bit of the rental income to boost my own income. I will look into this. Thank you!

OP posts:
jolies1 · 12/12/2023 17:56

If you want to build up a bit of ready cash, most banks have options for paperless statements so you can manage them online using an app. Get £50 cash back every supermarket shop you could build up a bit of handy cash. You can pay cash into banking apps like Monzo at Paypoints for a small fee. Can you confide in your brother and redirect some mail there, get some support?

Is there a gym or class you could join to give yourself some time out of the house and start building a new network / routine for when you leave?

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 12/12/2023 19:19

OP, there's a wonderful feeling of momemtum in all your posts.
Hope it all works out for you.

ErinAoife · 12/12/2023 19:26

Best of luck. Hope all work out fine for you.

Jagorey · 13/12/2023 08:10

I was in your position nearly two years ago, I can't offer much more advice than has already been given here I would only add one thing, a piece of advice my BIL gave me, however angry and frustrated you may feel with him in the run up to your departure, don't ever disclose that you are 'on' to him, by maintaining your silence you have the advantage, if he suspects you know it gives him chance to prepare. Best of luck with your new life.

Fraaahnces · 13/12/2023 08:44

While you’re waiting it out, can I suggest you start buying yourself store cards from supermarkets and chain stores from your joint funds? You can stockpile them and have them ready to buy food, furnish your home, etc… Some stores might even let you build up store credit in your name only. Keep them under your car floor mat or in the lining of your handbag. You could build up quite a stockpile. Just make sure that they’re randomly-spaced and for different amounts.

Original poster
WantaNewLife24 · 17/12/2023 14:30

Thanks for all of the new advice. I am reading but generally stay logged out when he’s about so it doesn’t show up as my own post if he looks.
I have decided not to set up a bank account just yet. I would be so on edge that he would find out somehow.
I also definitely won’t say anything about the situation to him. I think I need to keep the element of surprise so I can get him to agree to everything I want and have no time to think. I’ve read in here that they can be generous in the early days but quickly turn nasty.
I have bought a couple of Amazon gift cards for myself (they are valid for 10 years apparently!)
you would be amazed how hard it is to hide a tiny gift card! I hid them in a shirt pocket, then a pair of boots. He has never to my knowledge worn my clothes or shoes, but for some reason I decided it was too risky!! I have now unpicked the flap of a satchel bag and hidden them behind the cardboard support.
Im just throwing myself into Christmas now. The interview is still a long way off, mid January, but I will certainly update you all
thank you again :)

OP posts:
annoyedatlandlord · 17/12/2023 16:49

Have you noticed money going out of the account for his ‘hobby’?

DisforDarkChocolate · 17/12/2023 18:28

When you do look for a new bank account see if it is possible to get one with the same bank so you will have continuity.

Original poster
WantaNewLife24 · 15/01/2024 07:20

Hi, just updating as promised. Unfortunately I didn’t get the job. Back to the drawing board on that front.
im so gutted but my plan is still the same when I do get one.
thanks everyone for the support

OP posts:
ChampagneCommunist · 15/01/2024 07:28

Think of it as a training interview- you'll be more prepared for the next one now.

Lots of employers advertise in the new year, as that's when lots of people start job hunting

Papillon23 · 15/01/2024 11:46

Sorry to hear that OP. I'm sure you'll get there - every bit of practice helps.

Dontjudgeme101 · 15/01/2024 12:00

Sorry op. 💐💐💐