Advice re DH and alcohol

[ChristmasTreeStar]

im just going to write the situation down as it is, and hopefully you can give me some advice because i feel stuck

dh in my opinion has issues with (probably always has looking back). I have had a fe conversations around this over the years. He refuses to discuss it and will not accept what im saying.

the situation as of now is, ive asked him not to drink in the house anymore. I do not want alcohol in the house. He thinks i dont know hes still drinking. He goes shop every night to get something we might need and hides the receipt/bag of drinks and then will wait for the perfect opportunity eg im side tracked with the kids and he takes them upstairs. Im absolutely aware of his game. He will then sit upstairs watching tv/sport. Whilst im downstairs dealing with the kids, feeding, homework, cleaning and putting them to bed. I never see him with a drink. I can tell hes had a drink though as he looks different, he’s argumentative and he tries not to breathe near me/has fresh aftershave on (you know like someone has just sprayed). Its very odd i know!!!

in the morning, as he gets up before me, he leaves when my alarm goes off. He thinks im asleep but im awake with eyes closed. I hear him grab a bag of empty cans from under the bed and he goes out the door to work. Hes stopped putting the majority of empties in our recycle bin now. Where he puts them i dont know.

weekends are different, he will drink and i see that (even though ive said not to drink in the house).

he drinks around 4 cans a day (will drink pint cans if he can buy them) monday to weds and then probably 6 cans a night thurs to sunday, possibly with wine/going to a pub for some too.

im not actually looking forward to Christmas if im honest as he will see it as a non stop drinking sess

Like so many posts of this type it’s mainly about the alcoholic.

What about you in all this, not just to say the children here?. What are they learning about relationships from you both?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Do not keep setting yourself on fire here to keep your alcoholic husband warm.

What was Christmas like for you people last year, yet another occasion for him to drink?. How many more Christmases, holidays and birthdays is he going to ruin or others spoil due to drink whilst you watch on?.

He is bringing alcohol into your home regardless of what you say and there also appears to be no consequences from you for his actions. Alcoholism too is not called the family disease without good reason, you and your kids are also affected.

Where is your own support here?.

How many of your friends and family know about his alcoholism?. Not many I dare say but alcoholism also thrives on secrecy. Have you thought about contacting Al-anon, they can be very helpful to people affected by another persons drinking.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either. There are no guarantees here, he could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards.

Have you ever thought about divorcing your husband?. You have a choice re this man, your kids do not.

His message is loud and clear: alcohol matters more to him than his family. He is drinking at hazardous levels and is fully in denial. I was you and I stayed far too long. It damaged my DC and even now as adults the effects are still there.

I advise you to seek support for yourself from Al-Anon or similar to help you disentangle yourself from your current codependent state, and I would start looking into how you will manage life without him.

My husband died mid divorce process, having been removed from the house with police involvement. He was 58. Life without him.is immeasurably better.

I’m really not sure why you’re pretending not to know? And telling mumsnet, what advice do you wish. You told him to stop, he hides it, you pretend you don’t know, and crack on. You can easily take the bag of empties or take a discussion and tell him it stops or the marriage ends. Your call. But this game is not sustainable or healthy.

This sounds like hell. I am sorry. You deserve so much better. Even without the alcohol, he chooses to live as though you are separated and buggers off upstarirs. So selfish! I would stop cooking or cleaning anything related to him in protest, but that's me.

@Freckles81 Yes it does feel like hes taken a step back and allows me to parent. I do all the kids stuff (school runs, taking to clubs, mental load for them) plus cleaning the house/washing clothes/food shop, pay all bills, sort presents for Christmas/birthdays etc. i do feel like a single parent. I feel like i shoulder a lot, working full time and everything else

@Getthethrowonthesofa I honestly dont think he knows that i know. Alcohol/drinking is a very sore subject in our house. I cannot talk to him about it or he kicks off shouting/swearing and generally telling me he doesn’t drink all week and ive got mental health problems as im obsessing over his drinking. Im not

@pointythings Yes id like him to leave. Things without him at home would be much nicer for me and the children who tend to avoid him at all costs

@AttilaTheMeerkat i know were not setting a good example. Its hard, im struggling to keep a happyish house. Last Christmas was a drunken affair (him not me, i dont drink), with bad feeling directed at me as im “boring” apparently. He goes on rants on a weekend when hes been drinking. Its my fault though in his eyes as hes sad i want to leave him and break up the family

But going back to the drinking overall and the hiding his drinking - this is a problem isnt it??

Obviously, the alcohol is a huge issue, but I think rather than pointing out that he's drinking too much which he'll just deny as apparently he isn't drinking at all, why are you not asking him why he's doing so little to actually be a partner and father. I mean, YOU know it' because he's secretly drinking, but if you demand an answer to that he has to either tell you the truth or come up with some pathetic excuse.

I couldn't be with a man, sober or drunk, who just abandoned me and the DC every night for whatever reason.

Brutal honesty: I think you need to break up the family.

Your children already avoid their dad. You cannot protect yourself let alone your children from him.

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. He has broken your family unit here because he is an alcoholic who has and continue to prioritise alcohol.

Thank you. He makes me feel like im making a massive mistake. He gets angry with me and im just brain fuddled and cant think straight. He says his drinking is “normal”. I dont know. I dont drink but its horrible living like this

Or am i being hoodwinked and it’s completely the motions/script of an alcoholic 🥺

Yes, he is. For an alcoholic in active addiction, the primary motivation is to keep drinking. We will say and do anything that makes it possible to continue drinking. There is nothing you can say to him that will make him open his eyes and put down the drink.

We cannot be reasoned with, we cannot be appealed to with love, shame, fear, guilt or any other emotion. We will say whatever we need to say to get you off our backs, and continue drinking secretly, often deliberately causing arguments in other to justify it to ourselves.

Your man is at the level of secretly drinking already so he's quite far gone in terms of the progression of the disease. I wouldn't be surprised to find he's actually drinking a lot more than you're aware of - the evening "secret" drinks may be simply what he physically needs during the day to stave off withdrawal symptoms. He may well already be drinking at work. We can go a surprisingly long time living this miserable existence.

I have been in recovery just under 2 years and I can tell you that NOTHING could stop me drinking until I was miserable enough. I would lay down my life for my son - but I couldn't put down the bottle for him. Your husband almost certainly loves you and your children immensely, but he is not making the decisions in his life, his addiction is doing that for him.

The only power you have here is over your own actions and responses. You cannot stop him drinking but you can decide to protect yourself and your children and walk away.

Read the posts OP. I believe at this stage you have to break of the family.

@ChristmasTreeStar unfortunately you are both burying your heads here so what do you expect to change? How can you stand by and just “pretend” you don’t know what he’s up to and not say anything? He either doesn’t give you very much credit and thinks you don’t know what he’s up to or he doesn’t really care that you might know but goes through the motions of hiding it so he can lie to himself and everyone else. I would also say he’s drinking much more than you think considering the lengths he’s going to to try and disguise it all. The irony is that the things they do to try and disguise it are very often the tell signs. His behaviour is NOT normal, his drinking is NOT normal and he knows full well he has a problem even if he’s not ready to admit it. You can’t control him or his actions but you can control what you do. You sitting by, and taking on the full responsibility of the household/kids whilst pretending you don’t know what’s going on is only adding to the problem. You are propping him up, and enabling him. Are you dependent on him money wise?

You're allowed to not want to be with him even if he drank one drink, and it wasn't something you wanted in a partner. It isn't really the alcohol that is the problem, it is the lack of being a husband and father. It must be really lonely for you and the kids! It's ok to want more/better for your life; you don't have to justify it to him. Normal has nothing to do with it. It's making you unhappy! x

He shouts you down to shut you up and uses DARVO (deny, accuse, reverse victim/offender) on you.

It's classic stuff.

Speak to Al-Anon for support/advice and consider whether this is the best environment to bring up your kids.

He’s angry because you want to take away the thing that’s most important to him. Booze . Not you or the kids. Booze . Your kids are already being affected . Time to decide whether you want to do something about it or not I’m afraid

He's hiding drink , he's an alcoholic
Addict's manipulate and gaslight and you won't see it for what it really is until he's gone
I blocked my alcoholic ex about a month ago
We've been split 3 years but only after blocking him so he can only communicate via email where he knows he has to be on his best behaviour and not trying to gaslight me over phone conversations have I realised how bad it was .

I've been where you are, and you are right - hiding alcohol / lying about drinking / sneaking out to drnk every night / hiding emoties / having 4 cans a day (that you know of) all tell us he's got a problem with drink.

And when someone is addicted to drink, the drink matters more than anything else. It matters more than their marriage, their children, their job, their health....

They will go to extremes to get a drink, and become really good at lying.

They will say that they could stop any time they like, but they just like the taste, so why are you trying to control them and enjoy their fun?

When you threaten to leave, they will tell you it's you with the problem, you breaking up the marriage, you leaving the children with a broken home.

But this isn't on you. It's on him. The man with the alcohol problem and the ability to lie daily to his wife, and put drink before his children.

Please leave him, and don't feel bad about it. It's the best thing you'll ever do for yourself and your children. Speaking from experience.

@perfectcolourfound I could have written that myself
Since I threw my exh out he has been banned from driving for 3 years and lost his job/ ruined his career
But still claims he doesn't have an alcohol problem

Time to get your ducks in a row as they say.

He will not stop. He doesn’t want to it isn’t able to.

So it’s probably best if you split up. He’s clearly not happy. Work out solan and follow through. I’d not want him here at Christmas either. I was attacked by my alcoholic ex when I told him I was leaving so be careful.

He won’t stop because you want him to. He might stop when he hits rock bottom, he might still carry in until he drinks himself to death. You can’t help him but you can help yourself and your children.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

It's tragic. Lives wrecked. I knew I had to get away before I was dragged down too (not to drink, but I was losing a sense of who I was, and not being the best parent as a result). I hope you're OK now.

Another vote here for Al Anon. There is nothing you can do about your husband. You need to realise that it is utterly pointless trying to reason with an addict. The ONLY person you can influence is yourself. So trust yourself. You are not being unreasonable.

Al anon will give you strength and clarity. It's not necessarily about leaving it's about finding peace within yourself and clearing the brain fog that comes with living with an addict.

Then you can make decisions about your future.

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

You deserve so much better.

My story was similar. XH was sober when we met. Started drinking again when we’d been together a while. I had no idea how bad it would get. I tried everything to help him cut down or stop. He did for a year at one point. Ironically that seemed to work against us ‘I’m not an alcoholic, I didn’t drink for over a year’ and yes, I’m certain he wasn’t drinking. Sometimes he’d cut down. Sometimes he’d drink more than I realised secretly. Sometimes he’d be almost defiant. He would drink all I bought in one go. Last Christmas we were together he drank all I’d bought for Christmas Eve through to Boxing Day (bearing in mind someone else was hosting) and he was hammered by 8pm. I was recovering from a bad injury but I had to get all the presents down by myself because he was passed out snoring on the sofa! I sat and looked at him and thought ‘Honestly, it would be easier without him’. I ended up soon after Christmas. I didn’t blame his drinking. That would have been futile. I just said we were clearly both unhappy and it wasn’t working. I was lucky that he agreed to move out. He met someone else very quickly and continues to drink as much as ever. She’s a heavy drinker too.
Life is so much better since he left. I’m looking forward to Christmas! We are civil for our DD’s sake but it’s so much better without him here. Finances are tight I’ll admit but then even with our joint income; he drank and vaped so much it cost a small fortune.
Remember the 3 Cs as a pp posted. You can’t control his drinking or behaviour so you need to start looking for a way out of this relationship.