Advice re DH and alcohol

[ChristmasTreeStar]

im just going to write the situation down as it is, and hopefully you can give me some advice because i feel stuck

dh in my opinion has issues with (probably always has looking back). I have had a fe conversations around this over the years. He refuses to discuss it and will not accept what im saying.

the situation as of now is, ive asked him not to drink in the house anymore. I do not want alcohol in the house. He thinks i dont know hes still drinking. He goes shop every night to get something we might need and hides the receipt/bag of drinks and then will wait for the perfect opportunity eg im side tracked with the kids and he takes them upstairs. Im absolutely aware of his game. He will then sit upstairs watching tv/sport. Whilst im downstairs dealing with the kids, feeding, homework, cleaning and putting them to bed. I never see him with a drink. I can tell hes had a drink though as he looks different, he’s argumentative and he tries not to breathe near me/has fresh aftershave on (you know like someone has just sprayed). Its very odd i know!!!

in the morning, as he gets up before me, he leaves when my alarm goes off. He thinks im asleep but im awake with eyes closed. I hear him grab a bag of empty cans from under the bed and he goes out the door to work. Hes stopped putting the majority of empties in our recycle bin now. Where he puts them i dont know.

weekends are different, he will drink and i see that (even though ive said not to drink in the house).

he drinks around 4 cans a day (will drink pint cans if he can buy them) monday to weds and then probably 6 cans a night thurs to sunday, possibly with wine/going to a pub for some too.

im not actually looking forward to Christmas if im honest as he will see it as a non stop drinking sess

@perfectcolourfound
Getting there
What I hate is the 'attitude'
My mother was an alcoholic too and had the same 'attitude'
Never taking responsibility. Blaming everyone else . Never apologise. Bitter and defensive
He still thinks he can call the shots and all I can say is 'see you in court' and hope he isn't stupid enough to go through with it.

I’m an alcoholic who is happily sober now. I drank similarly to your Dh, it was rare to see me with a drink in hand, but from 3pm every day, I would be drinking. I went to the shop for random items, would drink a gin and tonic in the can on the way back, and hide two bottles of wine in the shed to drink later in the evening. Your Dh will know his drinking is problematic. He will feel rubbish and hate himself. So no amount of punishment and demanding he stops will work.

What did work for me was hearing how Dh was worried about me and scared he would lose me. It was hearing how much I was actually wanted and valued and how much actually everyone else didn’t want me dead. What also worked was trying out sober living and exploring what life would be like if I stopped drinking.

Dh and I did dry January together. I actually enjoyed it more than he did. I did another few weeks when I gave up drinking later in the year. I did dry January again the next year. I started to seek out other sober people to see what life was like for them. I read some books. It took 2 years from that first sober stint to fully stop but I’ve not looked back. But it was because it was a choice I made myself and felt ready to make, and because I knew I had full support of people who loved me.

I’d start by having an honest conversation about how worried you are and how much you want the old version of him back, even if you need to write it down, and let that be an opening to see what happens from there.

All that being said though, you can be an asshole even if you stop drinking, and you don’t have to stay in a relationship to ‘save’ anyone. You and your children always come first.

Thanks everyone for responding. Im going to think about all this tonight and what i can do. Ideally want him out by Christmas. My heart sinks at another no holes barred 2 week session.

@mindutopia I have tried to encourage him do dry january/sober october but he just laughs. He did do it once and literally white knuckled it through 3 weeks but couldn’t do the full month. In fact over the years ive known him i dont think (apart from that one time) hes ever done more than three day off it. Its daily now. Ive also tried the “im worried about you/health reasons” conversation but again, ive got MH problems as he doesnt drink excessively apparently!

@NooneElseIsSingingMySong yes and thats another thing, he’s started smoking again whilst drinking. He stinks. My mum died of lung cancer from smoking so he knows what i feel about that

@perfectcolourfound
They will say that they could stop any time they like, but they just like the taste, so why are you trying to control them and enjoy their fun?

When you threaten to leave, they will tell you it's you with the problem, you breaking up the marriage, you leaving the children with a broken home.
^^
Every. Single. Time. I get told im boring for not drinking, not wanting to go and sit in the pub with the kids watching him drink. Only needs me as a taxi/spending money we dont have. I dread to think how much he spends a month on alcohol. Always throwing it back to me that im splitting up the family, im the one whose changed and im the one whose made this situation!!! 🤪

i need to get him out

@ChristmasTreeStar it's so tough, but you have to step away and detach emotionally. He isn't ready to listen to anything rational. He is ruled by his addiction. Drinking is his number one top priority and nothing you say will get through. Start planning your departure - financials, work, logistics, childcare, housing - everything. Get several jumps ahead and divorce him. It took me almost 7 years to take the decision - do better than I did, please.

Two years before I hit him with an ultimatum (which I followed through) he actually admitted to me that he knew he was alcohol dependent and that he didn't care, because drinking was the only thing in life he enjoyed. This from a man who had pretty much everything.

You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Those are the 3c’s when it comes to alcoholism.

You will need to employ legal means in order to get him out. Have you considered divorcing him as a part of that overall process?.

And you know that Christmas is going to be a great excuse for him to drink. Then it will be the New Year and yet more drink will be consumed by him.

Yes you need to get him out. You don't want him anymore and he's awful.

OP, I'd really recommend AlAnon or Smart Recovery Friends and Family. I found huge support talking with others who'd experienced loved ones with substance dependencies. It's such an isolating experience snd can feel shameful, even though it's not your fault- it's really useful to connect with others in similar boats.
Don't listen to him when he blames you- you are not the problem. Take care

Sorry to hear your problems op.
My exH is a functioning alcoholic. Went through 20 years of trying to change him and was made to feel like I was the unreasonable fun police.
He is still an alcoholic and it is becoming more obvious to everyone except him it seems.
So sad because he has so much talent.

I'm in a very very similar position OP except my partner doesn't hide it because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it. I have tried every angle to get him to stop but it's come to that point where I need to leave because it's not happening and we have 2 children together who I need to protect and get out of this environment before they get any older. Already I find the thought of leaving so hard because my 2 year old adores him but I can't have her growing up seeing this as normal. We also have a 6 month old baby and he couldn't even stop drinking at the end of my pregnancy in order to take me to hospital when I went into labour, I ended up being induced but had been terrified of going into labour in the evening when he was drinking. The first night we brought the baby home, our neighbours brought us a bottle of champagne, that and his usual beers had him so drunk that that night he passed out, dead to the world and the memory of my first night home from hospital after a traumatic labour (baby had gotten stuck), standing holding a crying toddler in one arm, a screaming newborn in the other with blood dripping down my legs while he just slept through it all, will never leave me and I will never forgive him for it. I just didn't feel strong enough to leave right after the baby was born, even though I should have after that. Now I know what I need to do, I have spoken to and told my family who are supportive. I'm waiting to get through Christmas though and then will leave. Would you also be waiting until after Christmas or now you know what you are going to leave will you do it before?

@Dawndayda all resonates with me
My mother died unexpectedly 1 week after my baby was born (ex also didn't stop drinking even when I was a week overdue) 2 months later on my own first Mother's Day my ex spent the entire weekend absolutely off his face.
So many similar stories
What I will say is think about what you will do if the ex demands 50/50 custody
I've only just managed to get majority custody and that's only coz he has messed up so badly since we split
I had no proof of how bad he was and at the time he had a very respectable job in education, said he'd tell everyone I was crazy and a lier .

OK : My qualification = I'm a recovered addict / alcoholic

luckily for me and everyone else, as a sort of self-isolating addict I didn't harm other people so much as myself and have no children.

Make no mistake, you're living with a chronic alcoholic who has the disease of addiction and needs to urgently get sober before he has horrific consequences (because the consequences always come). That bit is his problem not yours.

Your bit is you're living with him in a shared environment and he's destroying the peace, health, and safety of your shared space and putting you and your children at risk. That is your problem and it urgently needs confronting IMO.

All you can do IMO is to stop enabling him to be in any shared spaces, remove him from your home. That's about getting yourself back to baseline of normality.

You could tell him that you're clearly aware he's continuing to heavily drink despite his efforts to hide it, that you're not interested in debate and discussion, and that you need him to leave immediately and only make contact once he's got six months sober.

Easier said than done. I wholeheartedly recommend Alanon as others above have. Please stick to the healthy meetings where people are sharing the 'solution' and not just whining about what their alcoholic did next as this is not the solution this is in fact a group sickness. Or try 'Relate' or such organisations on how to get a sick partner to leave or you leave etc.

The one thing that cannot happen is this cannot continue and you cannot be menaced into submission to be too afraid to mention the problem. You'll be saving all your lives and you could save his too.

Stick to your guns.

There's a lot of shame and secrecy attached to what's going on behind closed doors but you're going to need a support network and people looking out for you. Tell your friends, family, neighbours, colleagues, other kids parents. You don't have to make terrible gossip about him just say things have become impossible and you need him to leave quickly. Let people know.

Tell your GP and try to get as much professional help as possible - this could be in terms of therapy for you, group support, Alanon / SMART, neighbourhood tea and chat groups, church groups, community groups, befriending services, etc - make sure that you get to know that you're not alone. There's people out there who are kind and helpful when they know someone's suffering and they want to have your back.

I'm in a similar position although my husband doesn't hide it as he thinks it's normal. He drinks 4 cans of cider and a bottle of wine at least each night. It could be more as often he seems drunk when I get home with the kids. He's angry and unpleasant to me and the kids and acts like a victim all the time. He justifies being an arsehole because he believes people including our 12 and 9 year old are constantly treating him badly. It's all as a result if how he treats us though. I've got to the point where I can't live like this anymore and have decided that I will tell him its over after Christmas. I wish I'd been brave enough to go when they were younger and both still in primary school. I'm a low earner compared to him and am worried about how we will afford to live life separately when so much of his salary funds his drink problem.

For those of you who have left how has custody worked? I wouldn't want him to not be part of their lives. I remember the man he was and way back then he when he wasnt constantly drunk or hungover. But at the moment I am shielding a lot of his behaviour from the kids. He passes out and can't be woken for example, he cant get up in the morning and get them to school. How will I keep them safe if they aren't with me?

My dad did this all through my childhood til my mum had enough in my mid teens and left. He still is an alcoholic just now with a partner who either doesn’t care or is borderline herself - I’m not sure which. Get out before your kids start finding cans in the shed, cider in with the cleaning products and have to put him to bed when he passes out. It’s a grim disease. I feel sorry for my dad as no one sets out to get addicted to alcohol but ultimately he severely traumatised at least three people (mum, me, sibling) and I can’t ever get over fully that despite extensive therapy.

Al Anon can help. Good luck

@Dawndayda I have a similar story to you. Used to joke to our circle of friends id be driving myself to hospital whilst he was super drunk asleep on the back seat. The whole “wetting the babys head” he lived on for a few months. It was an absolute free for all! My first night home with my first i was so tired and obviously sore etc. he invited mates round for a bbq and piss up whilst i was upstairs with our baby trying to figure out what i was doing. Theres a lot of resentment there. If i brought that up now, he would say - why you bringing that up? That was ages ago, you still going on about that?? Making out im crazy for not letting it go. But it tainted those early days for me. I cant forgive that

So sad reading all your terrible stories. Please leave, as this is no way for you or your children to live. @Foxsticks he isn't capable of being a good parent any more. My ex was allowed supervised access, but he was rarely sober enough to bother turning up.

It's so hard Dottymug, as despite it all he manages to hold down his job and is successful. He's never returned to the office after lockdown so no one sees the state he is in. The other week our youngest was at home unwell, I phoned home at lunchtime to see how dc was and dc told me poor Daddy is really tired and he had been asleep most of the morning so dc hadn't eaten. I was so angry. That was the straw that broke the camels back I think.

ChristmasTreeStar and Dawndaya, my husband was also unable to stay sober at the end of my pregnancy, and i was constantly worried about going into labour and getting to hospital safely. My early days with second DC were also spent left dealing with everything on my own as he would drink so much he didn't wake when DC did. I've wasted so much time hoping it will get better but we are always his last priority after drink and work.

I filed for divorce from my alcoholic ex-husband last May, got legally divorced in January of this year, and finally persuaded him to move out in October (not easy as he has no job and had nowhere to go, I had to sort it out for him in the end). It has been a long and tortuous process which isn't over yet as we have yet to finalise any kind of financial settlement - the problem with alcoholics is they are very hard to reason with and also tend to stick their heads in the sand and just go on a binge rather than actually engaging with anything, so even getting him to mediation hasn't happened yet. It's stressful, and it has been erratic for our daughter - he has seen her sporadically since he moved out but there's been no consistency to it as, again, drink rules the roost for him so it's in the lap of the gods as to whether he's sober or not to meet up on any given week.

Despite all that I still don't regret leaving. I almost left in 2015, and ended up sticking it out another seven or eight years because I was paralysed and scared by the thought of breaking up the marriage and the family. It got steadily worse and worse, despite his claims that things would change. By the end I was barely interacting with him, he was drinking all day every day sometimes for a week solid or more, he lay on the sofa comatose most of the time, he was frequently incontinent, he sent me horrible messages ripping my character to shreds, there was just no relationship as far as I was concerned. He still claims he was trying and thinks I was unfair to end the marriage, but I finally realised enough was enough. In rare instances, alcoholics get it together and manage to stop, but for most, it just declines more and more - it is a progressive disease. It is very unlikely to get better.

I've been with my new partner for almost seven months and feel more secure and confident in the relationship than I felt for the last decade with my ex. Looking forward to Christmas for the first time in years. Still plenty of stresses to sort out, but basically happy and relieved that I managed to make the change. Hope you can do the same.

I had to drive myself to the hospital in to be checked (at 38+4, not exactly unexpected) when my water broke because (now X)H was over the limit. I was in denial about how bad it was back then.

You have so many many reasons to leave this man.

Your children don't want to go near him.

He is an alcoholic.

He lets you do all the parenting while he drinks.

He spends lot of family money on himself. He is utterly selfish.

He is gaslighting you every single day, telling you that you have the problem not him.

He had a party for himself on the day your newborn baby came out of hospital. That was the day you should've dumped him.

Get practical. Think how you can get him out.

It's not, but it wouldn't matter if it was 'normal'

hes making you and the children miserable, why do you think 'keeping the family together' is more important than you and your kids being happy!

I can't imagine they'd be anything other than thankful for you & them leaving (or him if you can get him out)

it doesn't matter what he says about being sad or lying about not drinking, nothing.

just get out or get him
out now & look forward to the lack of stress over Christmas & planning your future in the New Year.

i know it's not easy when you think of good times in the past & hope you can make it that way again, but you can't, only he could if he wanted to & got help, but right now he's not willing (or able) to do that.

Yes, he has a problem of alcoholism.

How do you get someone out of the house. In reality this is my rental (im renting from a friend of ours privately but i sorted it all and the contract he had drawn up is actually in my name). All bills in my name too. I sort all aspects of finances, he just gives me half the money each month.

i dont want it to end badly, i really dont want a massive scene. Im hoping he will go to live with his parents temporarily as they have two spare rooms, both retired. I have spoken to them about us splitting up. I think because ive always played down his drinking and the effect it had on us, they are finding it hard to believe. The one conversation theyve had with him about his drinking (they said they dont want to get involved) apparently he told them he drinks two cans a day 🤨

i opened up to a friend yesterday and it all spilled out. I told her about the empty cans each morning and what was he doing with them. She said one time she had been stuck in traffic and had seen someone else pull up into a shopping area, get out his car and stuff a bag of cans into a bin and drive off again. She wonders if thats what hes doing 🤷🏻‍♀️ anyway, shes been really supportive although shocked id kept it a secret for so long. It felt good to offload

I'm not an expert but I don't think you can make him leave if his name is on the contract you have with your landlord. You really need legal advice.