Advice re DH and alcohol

[ChristmasTreeStar]

im just going to write the situation down as it is, and hopefully you can give me some advice because i feel stuck

dh in my opinion has issues with (probably always has looking back). I have had a fe conversations around this over the years. He refuses to discuss it and will not accept what im saying.

the situation as of now is, ive asked him not to drink in the house anymore. I do not want alcohol in the house. He thinks i dont know hes still drinking. He goes shop every night to get something we might need and hides the receipt/bag of drinks and then will wait for the perfect opportunity eg im side tracked with the kids and he takes them upstairs. Im absolutely aware of his game. He will then sit upstairs watching tv/sport. Whilst im downstairs dealing with the kids, feeding, homework, cleaning and putting them to bed. I never see him with a drink. I can tell hes had a drink though as he looks different, he’s argumentative and he tries not to breathe near me/has fresh aftershave on (you know like someone has just sprayed). Its very odd i know!!!

in the morning, as he gets up before me, he leaves when my alarm goes off. He thinks im asleep but im awake with eyes closed. I hear him grab a bag of empty cans from under the bed and he goes out the door to work. Hes stopped putting the majority of empties in our recycle bin now. Where he puts them i dont know.

weekends are different, he will drink and i see that (even though ive said not to drink in the house).

he drinks around 4 cans a day (will drink pint cans if he can buy them) monday to weds and then probably 6 cans a night thurs to sunday, possibly with wine/going to a pub for some too.

im not actually looking forward to Christmas if im honest as he will see it as a non stop drinking sess

Can you seek support on AA, women's aid, citizen advice bureau advisor, GP, sure start, etc.

The more help you got the better.

Sorry, i wasnt clear, the contract is only in my name. I checked the document. Although its a private rental via a friend, he still had a proper contract drawn up. Its only me named on there

Are you married? It appears that way, and if so then I believe the home will be classed as the marital home, regardless of whether it's a rental and the fact he isn't named on the agreement. If you're not married, this would be a different situation.

Hiding empty cans isn't normal.

He's an alcoholic and it's your choice whether you want to stay with him or not.

Yes we are married unfortunately 🥺

Would he leave if you asked him to? My ex just left when i told him it was over, but I realise that's not going to be most people's experience. He did it as a grand gesture.

You could lie. If he doesn't know he has home rights, you don't need to inform he does.

I've not been on MN long but I'd say this is one of the most pressing issues that arises over and over again - how do I get separate from an abusive man / how do I get them to leave or where do me and my kids go. As women we need to think about this massive issue.

Anyway back to your personal issue - I'd just state that you're aware of the drinking and can't have him in the house until he's had successful treatment.

It seems a bit cruel to dump him on his parents but they'll soon come out of denial if he goes there!

Another way to get him out is to ask him to accept the enormity of this situation and go to rehab / treatment facility (if he has insurance or private healthcare or a job that would support this) and then you get breathing space and can tell them you don't want him back!

Otherwise if he's not on the lease, you could hold an 'intervention' on him. Just pack his stuff up, confront him, and say I know what you've been doing, I know you're going to keep lying so I've packed up your stuff and you'll be at your parents from now on. You'd need back up for that.

You could take legal advice. Even ask the police if you feel he could be a violent threat or refuse to leave willingly. Does he have any rational reasonable type friends who you could ask to assist you? Do you have any brothers or male relatives or friends or neighbours who could help out in a gentle way?

Because they're married, he does have home rights whether he's named on the tenancy or not.

So he can't be chucked out or kept out of the house unless OP gets an occupation order or something like that.

Of course if he's not aware of that, he may just leave if told/asked to, but OP doesn't have the legal right to chuck him out willy-nilly.

I'm also a recovering alcoholic and @EvenMoreFuriousVexation is completely right with the above.

@ChristmasTreeStar you said he sometimes 'kicks off shouting and swearing'. Next time he does that, call the police.

I chatted online with Womens Aid earlier. They have given me some useful links to read through. They also told me he’s abusive. Ive never thought about it being abusive. I guess because ive just put up and shut up. I just swept it under the carpet. I thought it was normal

I didn’t realise XH was abusive until two separate people (who had never met) said he was controlling. I spent a week in a daze thinking ‘Am I in an abusive relationship?’. We’d been together 14 years by then! It’s a slow drip. They minimise and gaslight til you can’t see things for what they are.
Do you have a plan for the next steps now ChristmasTreeStar?

No i dont. I doubt he will be aware of his rights to stay in the house. Ive said that id like him to leave, he says he not leaving and ive said well i cant as its my rental! If i leave, the contract ends. And round and round we go. I dont get it. If it was the other way around, id be packed and out of here. Ive told him (alcohol issues aside) i dont feel the same anymore, im unhappy and want to be on my own but hes just not getting the message. Its very frustrating 🥺

I think the only way out is to think of how you can leave.

Does the person you're renting from have any other properties?

Can you see a solicitor and file the first stage to start divorce proceedings - as this will give him a shock and also give you grounds to rent a place alone without having him there maybe (you'd have to check that) or even have him removed from current place.

Ideally i just want him to go minimum fuss for me and kids sake and to save any embarrassment with the neighbours curtain twitching if hes man handled out of the house 😩

I think ill have to go for the divorce route. Were not complicated in terms of assets etc. he will be an arse about it all but as long as he signs forms etc, i doubt he will put up much of a fight

So take a deep breath and reassure yourself that his drinking is a problem. To he honest I’d be bursting into his den and searching it while he’s in there if he thinks he can hide away while I’m doing housework.

Friday night i had a conversation with him re his drinking/hiding drinks and reiterated my no drinking in the house request. He got all angry about that. Saying - oh so im not allowed to drink in the house anymore because you say so?? Not even at the end of the week/weekends?? I said no (example to the kids/his temper/dependency) and anyway, i said hes drank every day this week. No he hasnt apparently, i said yes you have. Youve been taking bags of empty cans out each morning before work!

friday/Saturday night he drank
today hes drinking as i type

Earlier, i was talking about Christmas and made a comment and he started getting angry/upset saying oh your pushing me out now? Im not allowed to spend Christmas with you and kids? I said we’re breaking up and it was like i was telling him for the first time again. I went to speak to him later on to ask why he came across as shocked when i said about breaking up and he just spent the time telling me what an awful person i am, he doesn’t want to leave, he doesn’t have enough money to move out etc. i just said we cant stay together because of that. It doesn’t have to be a mutual agreement. This is what happens if one half of the couple want to split up. Hes dragging this out by not accepting the situation 😔😫 he was just talking over me, woukdnt let me speak and dismissing everything i said, or turned it around to be me.

i wish he would just leave and give us sone space 😤

sorry for the rant

Talking to an alcoholic about their drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean. All he heard from you is white noise.

He is not going to grant you your wishes for him to leave quietly or to give you any space. You are ultimately going to have to show him how serious you are, if you infact are, by starting divorce proceedings. Keep reminding yourself that it is miserable living like this and not just for you but for your children also. If he further kicks off shouting and swearing call the police.

@ChristmasTreeStar

When I told my exH to get the fuck out we were renting from a friend of my grandparents with no written contract (US, late '70s). When he refused to leave I asked him just who he thought our landlady would 'choose' if I told her I wanted him out. He left. You may want to try this and see if he falls for it.

Albeit different country and way different times, if I were you I'd speak to your friend/landlord. Explain the situation and see if he can legally evict your husband whilst letting you stay. If not, could he evict both of you then re-rent to you.

Also, get yourself some good legal advice yourself. Not just about the rental, but about what divorce is going to mean for you and the DC. Knowledge is power.

What’s stopping you?