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Original poster

Hobby more important

62 replies

Ghuns · 04/12/2023 10:36

What is everyone’s view feeling like there partners hobby is the priority?
I have been seeing a guy for 3 years and because of our situation can only see eachother once a week definitely and speak on the phone! But if I try and see him another day he gets very bitter because he always says he has a plan to skateboard! I feel like he should want to see me over that seeing as we dont see eachother very often but he doesn’t agree! For example yesterday he said he could see me but only if it was before or after his plan, and because them times didn’t suit me because I had my children, we were not able to meet up!
This hobby takes him completely off the radar for hours and if I ask to speak to him on the phone on one of the days he is out he gets very bitter towards me if it is before it gets dark or if he has just got into it and I disturb his flow! Or he is sitting in his car ready to go skateboarding so I feel pressure to let him go! Am I lacking understanding here or should he be putting me first?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 04/12/2023 10:52

You probably shouldn't be dating a teenager or Bart Simpson tbh
He doesn't prioritise you so why have you been putting up with it?

Whattodo112222 · 04/12/2023 11:03

Are you dating a teenager?..

caringcarer · 04/12/2023 11:03

He's made it clear what his priority is. Accept it or dump him.

aswarmofmidges · 04/12/2023 11:05

There is no "should"

You are just incompatible- what you want isn't the sort of life he wants

DuchessOfSausage · 04/12/2023 11:06

You're second best to a skateboard OP. Is that what you want out of life?

Jewelanemone · 04/12/2023 11:07

Is he twelve?

Original poster
Ghuns · 04/12/2023 11:13

Believe it or not he is 49 years old!
i have kids and he says he has to work to my time frames a lot so I should understand he has things he wants to do too! I don’t agree as I have no choice with my children but does with his hobby! We argue all the time because of it but he is obviously not getting it !

OP posts:
aswarmofmidges · 04/12/2023 11:14

Your kids are what you have chosen for your life

His skateboard is what he has chosen for his

If you can't accept someone the way they are it isn't true love

OhComeOnFFS · 04/12/2023 11:20

What's the point in being with someone you can only see once a week because he'd rather go skateboarding than see you?

That's if this is real, though. I'm not sure there are many 49 year old skateboarders around.

Vuurhoutjies · 04/12/2023 11:22

Well, I don't actually think he's in the wrong because he's right - you both have things in your life outside of your relationship.

But you are perfectly within your rights to say this doesn't work for you and that therefore this relationship is not the one for you.

LylaLee · 04/12/2023 11:22

He's just not that into you

Jackfrostnippingatmynose · 04/12/2023 11:26

After 3 years you're still not his priority. Move on and find someone who likes you and wants to spend time with you.
A 49yo skateboarder is trying to live the single life of his youth is a bit sad IMO

Bax765 · 04/12/2023 11:28

Someone having a hobby that takes up a lot of their time isn't an issue in itself. Adults can choose their own interests and shouldn't be judged with jokes about being a teenager etc. The world would be boring if we were all the same!

However, I would be concerned about the following:

  • You said he gets "bitter" towards you when you try to speak to him. Is this really someone you want in your life long-term, or do you want someone to treat you kindly?
  • You want to spend more time with him than he is willing to take out of his hobby to see you. This isn't necessarily anyone's fault, but probably means that you are not compatible as a couple.
ginasevern · 04/12/2023 11:31

OP, with all due respect I think you are the one who is "not getting it". The guy sees you once a week (maybe for a shag) and he is happy with that arrangement. He is not messing you around because he has made the situation quite clear. Whether he is really skateboarding at 49 is another matter but whatever he has been doing in the last 3 years it is totally obvious that he isn't going to change. Save your sanity and move on!

Original poster
Ghuns · 04/12/2023 11:41

its his passion apparently , yesterday he didn’t see me as I was only free during his plan, and he said it’s because he hasn’t been skateboarding much and he misses it! But he doesn’t see me much either! I’m really confused

OP posts:
LylaLee · 04/12/2023 11:46

Ghuns · 04/12/2023 11:41

its his passion apparently , yesterday he didn’t see me as I was only free during his plan, and he said it’s because he hasn’t been skateboarding much and he misses it! But he doesn’t see me much either! I’m really confused

There's nothing confusing. He quite likes the things you do for him. Sex, attention. But he doesn't like YOU all that much.

GCAcademic · 04/12/2023 11:47

You can't make someone put you first. His priority is clearly his skateboard and that's not going to change. So you either accept that or exit the relationship.

Whattodo112222 · 04/12/2023 11:57

Get rid of this gigantic man child. Incompatible.

OhBling · 04/12/2023 12:03

Ghuns · 04/12/2023 11:41

its his passion apparently , yesterday he didn’t see me as I was only free during his plan, and he said it’s because he hasn’t been skateboarding much and he misses it! But he doesn’t see me much either! I’m really confused

it sounds to me like you have very limited time to see him because of your DC, and unfortunately, the time you have to see him is ALSO the time he spends on his hobby. Which I guess makes sense if his hobby is the kind of thing that is best done on weekends, during the day and that's when you're most likely to have your children somewhere else.

If he's skateboarding all day, does he not want to get together for dinner or whatever in the evening? I can see why he doesn't' want to give it up and it does rather suggest if he has to choose he'll choose skateboarding over you, but I'm not clear on why he can't see you at all? Unless you only have very small windows to see him? In which case, unfortunately, if it was me, I wouldn't be rushing to change my plans to see someone either. Do you give him plenty of notice of when you're free so that he can plan around it or is it all last minute?

Ultimately though, he's not into you enough to accommodate your schedule. Sorry.

MinervatheGreat · 04/12/2023 12:08

LylaLee · 04/12/2023 11:22

He's just not that into you

You’ve put up with this for 3 years?
More fool you. Dump him, it’s not working.

Original poster
Ghuns · 04/12/2023 12:10

Yeah I do give him notice, yesterday he asked me but when my availability didn’t fit in with his plan he said we couldn’t meet, I personally feel he should want to spend time with me

OP posts:
Eightypercent · 04/12/2023 12:15

YABVU - so are any posters who think a particular sport, hobby or leisure activity is limited to any specific demographic. For some people leisure activities are essential for the mental and physical well being and part of their identity. It might be skateboarding, rambling, horses, football, wild swimming, netball, golf, chess, crafting, art, it really doesn't matter. There's also no reason why he should sacrifice something that is very important to him.

If that doesn't suit you, you know what you can do about it.

Riverlee · 04/12/2023 12:16

I feel a bit mixed in this. Does he go skateboarding at a certain time to meet up with friends in a club, for training etc, or is it totally flexible.

For example, if he were a footballer and his team always trains on a Tuesday night, then I think it’s a bit unreasonable for him to drop that regularly to see you. However, if he was a fisherman and could go any night, then that’s different.

I also think you gave different expectations from the relationship. You want a partner, he wants a companion.

OhBling · 04/12/2023 12:16

Ghuns · 04/12/2023 12:10

Yeah I do give him notice, yesterday he asked me but when my availability didn’t fit in with his plan he said we couldn’t meet, I personally feel he should want to spend time with me

But you're not being flexible with him either. I get it, it's hard with children. But I think at the end of the day, if you have limited availability, and he doesn't want to change his existing plans to meet this limited availability then that's not unreasonable. Although it does mean that probably this relationship won't go anywhere.

Seas164 · 04/12/2023 12:20

Ghuns · 04/12/2023 11:41

its his passion apparently , yesterday he didn’t see me as I was only free during his plan, and he said it’s because he hasn’t been skateboarding much and he misses it! But he doesn’t see me much either! I’m really confused

Skateboarding is his passion, fine, it takes all sorts, and you are his once weekly optional shag. That's all he wants out of the situation, nothing more.

He's happy with things exactly as they are, you just need to decide if you want more going forward from this situationship, or are happy to continue as is.

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