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Original poster

Hobby more important

62 replies

Ghuns · 04/12/2023 10:36

What is everyone’s view feeling like there partners hobby is the priority?
I have been seeing a guy for 3 years and because of our situation can only see eachother once a week definitely and speak on the phone! But if I try and see him another day he gets very bitter because he always says he has a plan to skateboard! I feel like he should want to see me over that seeing as we dont see eachother very often but he doesn’t agree! For example yesterday he said he could see me but only if it was before or after his plan, and because them times didn’t suit me because I had my children, we were not able to meet up!
This hobby takes him completely off the radar for hours and if I ask to speak to him on the phone on one of the days he is out he gets very bitter towards me if it is before it gets dark or if he has just got into it and I disturb his flow! Or he is sitting in his car ready to go skateboarding so I feel pressure to let him go! Am I lacking understanding here or should he be putting me first?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghuns · 04/12/2023 12:30

I can’t be flexible at times as I’m on my own with two children and if I had the choice I would want to see him as we have limited time together ! and if he is asking to meet me then saying no when it doesn’t suit his plan then why is he even asking!

OP posts:
LylaLee · 04/12/2023 12:32

Ghuns · 04/12/2023 12:30

I can’t be flexible at times as I’m on my own with two children and if I had the choice I would want to see him as we have limited time together ! and if he is asking to meet me then saying no when it doesn’t suit his plan then why is he even asking!

why is he even asking

Because he wantsyou to changeyour plans.

He wants to have sex.

You doing it for free is cheaper than paying a sex worker or going through the hassle of online dating.

Original poster
Ghuns · 04/12/2023 12:33

I have responsibilities, he doesn’t, he doesn’t have children and lives at home with his parents right now! His hobby doesn’t compare to my children!

OP posts:
LylaLee · 04/12/2023 12:34

Ghuns · 04/12/2023 12:33

I have responsibilities, he doesn’t, he doesn’t have children and lives at home with his parents right now! His hobby doesn’t compare to my children!

OP. Read the thread. You've been told. There's no magical way to make him care.

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 12:36

Oh just dump him.

If he's old enough to have been dating a woman with children for three years, he's too old to be fucking skateboarding.

mummypigoink · 04/12/2023 12:37

I’m not sure what isn’t sinking in here OP. He views your relationship and the importance of his hobby differently to you. He’s free to do that. No amount of updates from you is going to change any of this.

The only question really is are you prepared to continue with it? I don’t think anyone is saying you would be unreasonable to call time because the relationship isn’t satisfying for you.

aswarmofmidges · 04/12/2023 12:38

Agist shite

LylaLee · 04/12/2023 12:40

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 12:36

Oh just dump him.

If he's old enough to have been dating a woman with children for three years, he's too old to be fucking skateboarding.

There's nothing wrong with skateboarding.

The issue is that to him, OP is an 'optional extra'.

OP wants to be a priority in his life, but that's never going to happen.

She's clearly not happy about it.

So she needs to find someone else.

Original poster
Ghuns · 04/12/2023 12:40

He can do it mostly when he wants , whenever he fancied really!

OP posts:
MrsElsa · 04/12/2023 12:41

Lives with his parents, wow.

It's not the big drama you're making it out to be. Just dump him if you don't like his behaviour. Easy peasy.

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 12:41

LylaLee · 04/12/2023 12:40

There's nothing wrong with skateboarding.

The issue is that to him, OP is an 'optional extra'.

OP wants to be a priority in his life, but that's never going to happen.

She's clearly not happy about it.

So she needs to find someone else.

Show quote history

Every man I've ever met over the age of 15 who skateboarded was a massive man child in all other aspects of their life too.

And this man clearly fits that stereotype to a T, right down to still living with his parents at nearly 50.

LylaLee · 04/12/2023 12:42

Ghuns · 04/12/2023 12:40

He can do it mostly when he wants , whenever he fancied really!

Why aren't you getting it. He does do it when he fancies. And sometimes that's when you are available. And he's not bothered that he doesn't get to see you.

There's an episode of Friends on in the background. If the phone rings I'm not going to pause it. I don't really care if I watch it or not.

You're the rerun of Friends in his life.

Riverlee · 04/12/2023 12:53

He lives at home at the age of 49? Unless there’s any reasonable explanation - recent divorce, house’s roof caved in, carers for his parents etc, that would be a red flag to me.

He lives at home and goes skateboarding and he’s almost fifty. Sounds like a kid that’s never grown up (and stamps his foot when he doesn’t get his own way).

I’m curious, is he fairly independent at home, or does he rely on his parents? Has he any plans to move out?

SmileitMightNeverHappen · 04/12/2023 12:55

Are you sure his skateboard isn't another woman? Either way you are wasting your time and energy on this man child.

idontlikealdi · 04/12/2023 12:57

At least you named the hobby!

Skateboarding is an any age activity, he's just prioritising it over you and your kids. You're not compatible.

ohdamnitjanet · 04/12/2023 13:03

Shoxfordian · 04/12/2023 10:52

You probably shouldn't be dating a teenager or Bart Simpson tbh
He doesn't prioritise you so why have you been putting up with it?

Bart Simpson 😆

Original poster
Ghuns · 04/12/2023 13:04

He used to live with an ex but that broke down 9 years ago! I ask him about his living situation lot but he gets defensive and says he is burying his head in the sand! He does a few jobs round the house but his mom cooks for him etc! I feel typing all this out I no what I would be advising others!

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 04/12/2023 13:04

I have responsibilities, he doesn’t, he doesn’t have children and lives at home with his parents right now! His hobby doesn’t compare to my children!

You're not partners. You're not building a life together.

You've been seeing each other once a week for 3 years. He is currently happy with the arrangement. You're not and that's ok.If you're not happy with the relationship, then leave.

Meeting up once a week and uncontactable for long periods of time at 49 does make me wonder whether you might unwittingly be the OW though.

Vuurhoutjies · 04/12/2023 13:05

He's a child. And that's fine but it's not for you. He lives at home where his mummy sorts his life out and he skateboards for fun. Great for him.

Go find an actual man who wants to be with you. This one doesn't.

SecondUsername4me · 04/12/2023 13:07

Tbf he is being very clear about who he is, what his priorities are and what his expectations of the relationship is.

What baffles me is why you've bothered not to listen to him, don't seem to accept you aren't compatible, and walked away.

SamW98 · 04/12/2023 13:09

Surely after 3 years you should be moving forward in the relationship? Seems more like FWB than an adult partnership imo which is fine if that’s what you both want but it seems you want more than he’s prepared to give.

Ask yourself if there’s a future here and if there’s not then accept that you’re nothing more than casual FB. If that’s not what you want then move on.

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2023 13:46

Ghuns · 04/12/2023 11:13

Believe it or not he is 49 years old!
i have kids and he says he has to work to my time frames a lot so I should understand he has things he wants to do too! I don’t agree as I have no choice with my children but does with his hobby! We argue all the time because of it but he is obviously not getting it !

You are wasting your time.

Bobbotgegrinch · 04/12/2023 14:25

As far as I can see, he's not doing anything wrong here. He's not leading you on, he's not promising you that this relationship is going anywhere further etc.

He's telling you "This is when I'm available, if you want to fit in with that, great If not, then I'm not bothered"

You are the one who wants more from this relationship than that. If what you've currently got isn't enough for you, then it's on you to make the decision to end the relationship.

And this last bit isn't aimed at you OP, but the people turning their noses at other peoples hobbies - What the fuck is wrong with Skateboarding? It's good exercise, gets you out in the freshair, takes skill, can be fun (I presume, I've never managed to stay on one for more than 10 seconds without falling off).

Given how huge it was in the 80s, I'd imagine there's a fair few skateboarders in their 50s around. You wouldn't go "Eugh, why's she still horseriding, doesn't she know she's 50" or "Ugh, she's been ice skating since her teens, she's so childish"

Just because a hobby is more stereotypically male, it doesn't make it more childish.

sixteenfurryfeet · 04/12/2023 14:31

Oh just dump him.

This.

There's a reason he's single and you have now found out what it is.

LolaSmiles · 04/12/2023 15:42

Well said about hobbies Bobbotgegrinch, but then I think a lot of Mumsnetters either don't actually have hobbies, or are very uptight about what constitutes an acceptable hobby.