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Relationships

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Original poster

Hobby more important

62 replies

Ghuns · 04/12/2023 10:36

What is everyone’s view feeling like there partners hobby is the priority?
I have been seeing a guy for 3 years and because of our situation can only see eachother once a week definitely and speak on the phone! But if I try and see him another day he gets very bitter because he always says he has a plan to skateboard! I feel like he should want to see me over that seeing as we dont see eachother very often but he doesn’t agree! For example yesterday he said he could see me but only if it was before or after his plan, and because them times didn’t suit me because I had my children, we were not able to meet up!
This hobby takes him completely off the radar for hours and if I ask to speak to him on the phone on one of the days he is out he gets very bitter towards me if it is before it gets dark or if he has just got into it and I disturb his flow! Or he is sitting in his car ready to go skateboarding so I feel pressure to let him go! Am I lacking understanding here or should he be putting me first?

OP posts:

EmmaEmerald · 04/12/2023 15:43

I think skateboarding sounds a fab hobby and props to anyone still fit enough to keep going with it. My 50 year old friend had some random woman talk shite at her for roller blading in the park. Some people have very strange ideas about hobbies and age!

I'm really surprised you didn't mention his living situation first, that's a much bigger problem.

Bobbotgegrinch · 04/12/2023 16:01

LolaSmiles · 04/12/2023 15:42

Well said about hobbies Bobbotgegrinch, but then I think a lot of Mumsnetters either don't actually have hobbies, or are very uptight about what constitutes an acceptable hobby.

I think it's another patriarchy thing.

Socially, men seem to be able to get away still with leaving the house all day to go do their hobby once kids come along, but women don't.

So the football, the golf, the gaming, the skateboarding etc. gets the blame, and gets mocked for being childish, when that's not actually the problem, the problem is the men taking the piss.

Me and DP had our kid young, so we've hit 40 with a 16yo DD and have a lot of freedom again, while most of our friends still have young kids.

I find it very easy now to send a message to a couple of mates and say "Fancy a Pint", and be in the pub an hour later. Whereas DP struggles to get out with her friends even when organising weeks in advance because they've got no-one to babysit. Most of them don't need a babysitter, they have a husband, but that apparently isn't an option. A lot of our mates are in relationships with each other, so I gave my friends a bollocking about it in the pub a few months ago. I'd like to say things have improved, but not so much.

wildwestpioneer · 04/12/2023 16:40

Thing is he's not seeing you due to his hobby and you're not seeing him because of your kids. Either is right or wrong, if you're not happy with it then he's not the man for you.

My friend has 2 horses, her passion, and incredibly time consuming and very much a tie. She'd never put a man before her hobby, he has to fit in and around her, if not they go their separate ways. I kind of respect her for that. He's no different

GreyCarpet · 04/12/2023 18:58

I find threads like these really irksome.

So what if his hobby is skateboarding? It's his hobby, it keeps him fit and he enjoys it. Why all the snotty "he's a child" comments?

He's entitled to carve out the life he wants for himself and not change it for anyone else.

If the OP isn't happy with it, she can end it.

My partner and I both play in gigging pub bands. We practice weekly (sometimes twice) and at least one of us is gigging most weekends. This means our social life is dictated by it to a large extent. And we both spend a fair amount of other free time practising. There are a couple of key nights over Christmas when we won't see each other because we've both got gigs.

I'm late 40s and he is 60. Are we 'children' too?

The problem isn't with this man or his hobby but that the OP wants him to be different and he isn't.

Treacletoots · 04/12/2023 19:01

Why are you still with someone 3 years after he's made it clear you aren't his priority?

When people tell you who they are, or rather who you are to them, listen.

He won't change because he doesn't want to and you can't make him. Besides wouldn't you rather be with someone who does consider you a priority to them. Of course you would.

Find someone else, because this isnt ever gong to be the case with Mr Skateboard.

GreyCarpet · 04/12/2023 19:02

Bobbotgegrinch · 04/12/2023 14:25

As far as I can see, he's not doing anything wrong here. He's not leading you on, he's not promising you that this relationship is going anywhere further etc.

He's telling you "This is when I'm available, if you want to fit in with that, great If not, then I'm not bothered"

You are the one who wants more from this relationship than that. If what you've currently got isn't enough for you, then it's on you to make the decision to end the relationship.

And this last bit isn't aimed at you OP, but the people turning their noses at other peoples hobbies - What the fuck is wrong with Skateboarding? It's good exercise, gets you out in the freshair, takes skill, can be fun (I presume, I've never managed to stay on one for more than 10 seconds without falling off).

Given how huge it was in the 80s, I'd imagine there's a fair few skateboarders in their 50s around. You wouldn't go "Eugh, why's she still horseriding, doesn't she know she's 50" or "Ugh, she's been ice skating since her teens, she's so childish"

Just because a hobby is more stereotypically male, it doesn't make it more childish.

Spot on.

Margaritanosalt · 04/12/2023 19:26

It sounds like you’ve wasted 3 years of your life on an absolute loser

Original poster

Ghuns · 04/12/2023 19:29

Guess you guys must be skateboarders too 😂

OP posts:

Crishell · 04/12/2023 19:32

I'm laughing at those asking if he's a teenager.
What should he be doing at 49? Train spotting?

Original poster

Ghuns · 04/12/2023 19:39

hanging around all day in a skate park from dusk till dawn at 50 isn’t ideal! I get people have hobbies and should but when they are putting that first and want to do it over seeing a loved one maybe it should be questioned! I think I realise from writing this down and reading the comments that I was right on how I’m feeling!

OP posts:

LylaLee · 04/12/2023 19:43

Ghuns · 04/12/2023 19:39

You're not 'a loved one'.

Original poster

Ghuns · 04/12/2023 19:44

Clearly

OP posts:

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