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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Christmas Day, newish partner and kids

93 replies

flagonfull · 03/12/2023 20:37

I think I already know the answer to this but putting it out there.
ive been with my partner just under a year. The kids know him but not well (young teens)
my eldest has said they want it to be just us waking up together on Christmas morning and doing our presents etc together and for him to come afterwards.

i like the idea of waking up with him on our first Christmas together, especially knowing that I will have a job to get the eldest out of bed at any reasonable hour and they will be champing at the bit to get back into their rooms most of the day but I also feel that they are not kids for much longer and it’s important to ‘hear’ when the eldest asked for it to be ‘just us’.

it was apparently difficult last year with their dads girlfriend and not very relaxed although my bf is different I don’t want to make my kids uncomfortable.

eldest is happy for him to come later on so it’s not like he’s not welcome at all.

this is a new area for me and I asked out of respect for my kids but I also know lots of people say I pander to them too much hence my bit of self doubt, am I pandering or being dictated to or am I being respectful of their needs and preferences?

OP posts:
WrappersDelight · 03/12/2023 20:39

Listen to the kids, invite him over for 1pm an hour before lunch, and have him go home that night

roodulfrein · 03/12/2023 20:39

Please respect what your children say. They are telling you what they feel comfortable with. They are not dictating, they are asking for a compromise. Put your children first. You've been with your boyfriend less then a year

FlickFlackTrap · 03/12/2023 20:39

WrappersDelight · 03/12/2023 20:39

Listen to the kids, invite him over for 1pm an hour before lunch, and have him go home that night

Absolutely this.

PermanentTemporary · 03/12/2023 20:41

Im about to have my first Christmas with my partner. We've been together over 3 years and our kids are all over 18. We don't live together.

I don't know who is telling you that you 'pander' to your kids too much. I dont think that's good advice at all. You are the biggest influence on your children's lives and you should put them first imo. Listen to your eldest, they sound very reasonable. Your partner is a grown up. Maybe spend some time together on Boxing Day, or better still NYE.

Justmuddlingalong · 03/12/2023 20:41

I'd agree to him coming over later on. But...I'd be very clear that they're getting a whole year's notice that next year could be different. You've plenty of time for them all to get to know each other over the next 12 months.

WandaWonder · 03/12/2023 20:41

It's Christmas put the kids first

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 03/12/2023 20:42

Can he not stay over and sneak out very early before kids wake, then come back later

StarDolphins · 03/12/2023 20:43

Kids first always for me. Invite partner later & let your kids know you’ve listened to them.

FedUpMumof10YO · 03/12/2023 20:44

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 03/12/2023 20:42

Can he not stay over and sneak out very early before kids wake, then come back later

Do not do this.

excelledyourself · 03/12/2023 20:46

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 03/12/2023 20:42

Can he not stay over and sneak out very early before kids wake, then come back later

Don't treat your kids like idiots OP.

Respect their wishes. You won't get many chances to put it right if you get it wrong with them.

Branster · 03/12/2023 20:46

Kids come first.
You may feel very comfortable around your DP but it is very unlikely your children do.
It would be like having an unwanted guest on Christmas morning for your children. Especially as one of them specifically asked not to have this man in the house at that time.

Terrible advice above to have DP stay the night and sneak out early! Please don't go behind your children's back. You're both adults, you can wait however long it takes.

Hatty65 · 03/12/2023 20:49

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 03/12/2023 20:42

Can he not stay over and sneak out very early before kids wake, then come back later

They are young teens. They will absolutely know that he did this, and feel betrayed. It's a shit way to parent.

Listen to them, OP. They don't want to play happy families, all waking up together at Christmas with a bloke they don't really know. Let him come along later.

tescocreditcard · 03/12/2023 20:49

FedUpMumof10YO · 03/12/2023 20:44

Do not do this.

Show quote history

husbands/partners/boyfriends/lovers come and go. Kids are forever. Put them first.

LolaSmiles · 03/12/2023 20:50

I'd listen to the children. They are being reasonable, aren't opposed to him coming round later, but want Christmas with their Mum.

On the whole I think too many people prioritise their new relationships over the children and it's great you're centring your children OP.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 03/12/2023 20:51

Kids First

Gymmum82 · 03/12/2023 20:56

Personally I wouldn’t have him over at all and would spend it just with your kids. But definitely do not have him stay over. The kids don’t want him there and have compromised by asking if he can come later. Don’t ruin your relationship with your kids by disregarding their wishes

TicTacNicNak · 03/12/2023 20:57

It's a very reasonable compromise they've suggested. Be happy they're comfortable with him coming over a bit later and aren't saying they don't want him there at all. If he's a decent man he'll understand. If you're with him for the long run then you'll have plenty more Christmases in future to share. Your kids however will be grown and gone before you know it.

Snugglemonkey · 03/12/2023 21:00

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 03/12/2023 20:42

Can he not stay over and sneak out very early before kids wake, then come back later

Why would anyone do this?! It is horrible for everyone.

RunningGearOn · 03/12/2023 21:01

I think you're successfully parenting reasonable, level headed young people - they've tactfully suggested a situation that works for all of you but gives them the secure family time they need as well as enabling you to see your partner. Definitely go with their suggestion and don't give another thought to whether or not you're pandering to them because you aren't.

WilmaWonka · 03/12/2023 21:11

He shouldn’t be sleeping over when kids are there when you’ve been with him for less than a year anyway IMO. Especially as they hardly know him!

Must be excruciating for young teens and they obviously don’t feel as comfortable with him there as you’ve thought.

Original poster
flagonfull · 03/12/2023 21:29

Thanks all, it’s as I thought really.
I’d never have him sneak in and out, they’re not stupid and it’s their home, they’d know if anyone else was staying and he has never stayed over at all since we’ve been together, hence my asking them now.

they have met him a few times in small doses, normally in passing and one meal out, I have enough time without them in order to make a relationship.
I would like to think we have a future together and if we are still together this time next year then I will definitely think about it again and see where we are.
we alternate between two houses each Christmas and my parenting / celebrating time is very different to my exh and I know that the kids look forward to a much less structured Christmas with me as opposed to very organised time bound strict sequence of events with their dad who also thinks I spoil them and pander to them too much whereas I think I’m more compassionate and (mostly) respectful of their needs . I’m not a perfect parent and I do mess up at times so I asked them about Christmas before arranging anything.

i asked here knowing already that I’m right about the compromise and I only feel that it’s ok for him to come later on because I know for sure that they will have ’mum and festive overload’ early on and bugger off to their rooms unless I spend the day nagging them to be with me.
neither of them like Christmas dinner or any kind of roast, and I often have Christmas dinner on my own as no family in our part of the country.
first relationship I’ve had in years, and it would be nice to have another adult to cook and eat with etc which we can still do later as the kids will genuinely prefer to have something else beige or ‘Italian’ (pasta or pizza)

a lot of people have said my children are spoiled, and particularly that my eldest manipulates me, I don’t think so, maybe sometimes but they’re children And I think all behaviour is communication: if a child is ‘manipulative’ I think it’s because they’re trying to manage a situation that feels out of their control.

I grew up in an abusive childhood so I do second guess my own parenting choices at times
thanks all

OP posts:
Original poster
flagonfull · 03/12/2023 21:32

He’s never slept over with them at home, I don’t think I’ve said this anywhere in my op?

they've never shown any sign of finding him excruciating but they haven’t spent masses of time around him.
if we do stay together long term I’ll build up on that naturally rather than forcing it on Christmas just to meet mine and his needs and not the kids’.

If I wasn’t giving thought to them I’d just say he’s staying over for Christmas and that’s the end of the conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
flagonfull · 03/12/2023 21:33

Annoyingly I don’t seem to be able to respond to individual messages, not sure what I’m doing wrong but I really appreciate all of them!

OP posts:
MightyMinestrone · 03/12/2023 21:43

WilmaWonka · 03/12/2023 21:11

He shouldn’t be sleeping over when kids are there when you’ve been with him for less than a year anyway IMO. Especially as they hardly know him!

Must be excruciating for young teens and they obviously don’t feel as comfortable with him there as you’ve thought.

Exactly! Poor kids! :(

They're only saying let him in in the afternoon because they can see you're adamant for this man to intrude in their lives but they do NOT want him there. They've already had to go through the trauma of their family breaking up and now having to deal with both parents forcing people into their lives who they don't want and they no longer have a home that's a safe space.

Also, no wonder child sexual abuse is sadly so common, with parents happily letting random men into the homes and lives of their kids. Thank God at least your children are teens but it's still horrendous they'll have this man walking all over the common areas of their house with no privacy for them.

I wouldn't spend Christmas with him until the teens have left home. This is precious family time and it'll very selfish to spoil it for them. How would you feel if your husband's girlfriend appeared in your house and inserted herself into your Christmas family time, just because she's a dating interest for soemone else? This is how it feels for your kids. I'm sure you'd never tolerate spending Christmas with someone you didn't want so why is it fine for your kids to suffer it?

Branster · 03/12/2023 21:44

OP it sounds like you're a very caring mother and I can also see that if kids go to their rooms when they've had enough of Christmas it would be nice for you to have friendly company under the circumstances you describe.
This is a very sensible compromise and your child made a very good suggestion which shows he understands this is something you would enjoy.
I think as long as DP doesn't stay there for hours on end, it should work out well for everyone. If, say, kids want to be in the family room early evening to watch a film and generally mooch about without having to consider another presence in the room. Realistically, your DP is nothing to them at this stage, so they wouldn't want him hanging around late in the evening.