Christmas Day, newish partner and kids

[flagonfull]

I think I already know the answer to this but putting it out there.
ive been with my partner just under a year. The kids know him but not well (young teens)
my eldest has said they want it to be just us waking up together on Christmas morning and doing our presents etc together and for him to come afterwards.

i like the idea of waking up with him on our first Christmas together, especially knowing that I will have a job to get the eldest out of bed at any reasonable hour and they will be champing at the bit to get back into their rooms most of the day but I also feel that they are not kids for much longer and it’s important to ‘hear’ when the eldest asked for it to be ‘just us’.

it was apparently difficult last year with their dads girlfriend and not very relaxed although my bf is different I don’t want to make my kids uncomfortable.

eldest is happy for him to come later on so it’s not like he’s not welcome at all.

this is a new area for me and I asked out of respect for my kids but I also know lots of people say I pander to them too much hence my bit of self doubt, am I pandering or being dictated to or am I being respectful of their needs and preferences?

Argh, some of the weird responses on this thread make it clear that people think only nuclear families are in any way reasonable and any single parent must be terrible and selfish, the children must be traumatised and anyone interested in dating a single parent must be awful and potentially a sex offender.

I really thought we'd moved beyond that since my childhood...

Which I spent as a perfectly happy, well adjusted child of separate parents who could cope with the thought that they had other relationships and felt comfortable and confident to talk about any preferences I had and know I'd be listened to because- like OP- my parents cared about me! Obviously there were some downsides to my family background but as op says- every family has some issues to manage.

It sounds like you've come to a good conclusion here @flagonfull that will work for everyone but I just wanted to add my voice to say it sounds like you're doing a great job.

Of course my heart goes out to those people who experienced negative relationships with step parents- or any other family member- but it really isn't inevitable and there's no need to assume it every time a woman dares to try and live a life after divorce

Good grief.

Personally, I wouldn't be using Christmas Day to introduce a man into your kids lives (Because that's what this is, even if they've met him before). Pick a random Sunday in the new year and invite him over for a few hours to properly meet the kids, have dinner etc.

Let your kids relax and enjoy their Christmas with you, don't add the tension of Mum introducing a new boyfriend to it.

Exactly. Well said, @Bobbotgegrinch

There are 364 other days of the year. Don't insert him into their family tradition. He's not their boyfriend.

What a brilliant post @flagonfull
You've absolutely no need to justify yourself but I love what you've written. Incredibly eloquent.
Some of the responses have been bizarre.
I'm sure if you'd posted when your marriage went wrong you'd have had heaps of support to leave and start anew. MN is usually so supportive of unhappy or abused wives.
You'd have been told it was better for your children to have a happy mother.
And then you come on here with a perfectly normal, reasonable question and you're affectively a floozy who hates her children!
The mind boggles.

Why do you have to have him there at all on Christmas Day? Just listen to your children and spend the day with them. And them alone!

They grow up so fast... don't ruin the few Christmas days you have with them. They won't thank you for not listening to them. You're building memories that will last a lifetime time. Don't let their memories of Christmas be ones of having to spend the day with 'mums boyfriend'.

Thanks, the weird responses are sad because it’s the kind of small minded stuff you sometimes hear people say when they’re gossiping about someone.

feels very little Britain and puts me in mind of those who were photographing people sitting on benches during lockdown and posting them on Facebook 🙈
the sort of stuff that keeps people lonely, ashamed and separate from their community , unable to build up safe networks.

I had an awful relationship with my stepmum as well as awful relationship with both parents so I do understand. This is not like that at all and any sign of the kids being unhappy I’d nip it in the bud straight away.

ive checked in with them again off the back of this thread and both happy with the plan and seemed surprised it’s even come up again and I gave plenty of opportunity to them to backtrack and still change their mind later on . I can tell they’re pleased to be consulted.

Oh pander to them on this one

kids over cock on this one

this is major and over and above ‘pandering’

haha thank you! Floozy!
Absolutely bizarre, I cba to answer most of them as they have clearly not rtft or they have such blinkered opinions that nothing I say will reassure them unless I just do Christmas cooking for one and eating it alone forcing kids to stay downstairs and watch something or play something under duress and show them how much of a martyr I am.
over my 50+ years I have opened my house to many people and I have been invited to many Christmases. This stopped during the covid years and I suffered extreme ill health which has left me unable to do many things I could do before.
this is the first time in years I’ve had opportunity to have Christmas with another adult , I also have some single mum friends who I’d been thinking about inviting too, just because they might be on their own.
the only reason I’ve deliberated over that is because I’m not sure I could handle other kids on top of my own and because it feels extra awkward when my kids’ peers are here if they invariably still retreat to their own bedrooms leaving the visiting kids And parents feeling awkward.
at least with bf visiting there’s no pressure or expectation for them to socialise with him or entertain him

i wonder if I’d posted about inviting women friends for Christmas whether I’d have had the same responses? Would they suggest my friends are rose west / Myra hindley types ???

Good grief indeed. The amount of assumptions in this post, it’s like a creative writing exercise where the wannabe author is given the bare bones of an idea and then encouraged to run away with it to make the most dramatic story possible

I need help. My girlfriend is unhappy with our sex life. We’ve been together for 2 years and been happy until recently. I totally understand why she’s unhappy and I’m not blaming her at all. As a child I was sexually assaulted on a weekly basis for a few years. I’m 44 now and it’s never been a problem for me. I’m quite tough and can carry on as normal. But I have always had difficulties in making the 1st move, I do but not very often, I’ve had help and it is down to being in a position as a child that I wasn’t comfortable with and the fear of putting someone else in that position. She has complained about it, the problem is I am unable to tell her the reasons why. I’ve told her I have good reasons for it and asked her to trust me that I do love her and love having sex with her but she won’t stop complaining about me not trying it on, walking in and ripping her clothes off etc. I simply can’t do that. She goes on about how passionate her sex life was with her ex and that she misses that sexual connection and I have a low sex drive. It’s not that, I love sex I just can’t tell her incase a, she doesn’t understand or my biggest fear b, that she sees me as weak because of it. I’d like to hear people’s opinions on what I should do please. Thank you

I’m glad you’re taking all this on the chin OP, some of the responses are bonkers. I’d be the first to say some people introduce their kids to multiple new partners way too soon but this doesn’t sound like that at all.

I’ve been in a similar position. I met my partner not long before Xmas 2 years ago. The first year I saw him when my DD (then 19) was at her boyfriend’s. Last year he came over in the afternoon on Xmas Day as they’d got to know each other over the year and she would again be going to her bf’s but they saw each other for a few hours. This year she’s not with the bf but she asked me if my partner would come on Xmas Eve so we’d all be together Xmas Day. No pressure from me or input from him.

I like to think because we took it slowly (as you are) and respected her space and boundaries it’s made things easier and more natural. Hopefully it will work out that way for you, your partner and your kids too. Mum guilt never goes away though does it!

i wonder if I’d posted about inviting women friends for Christmas whether I’d have had the same responses? Would they suggest my friends are rose west / Myra hindley types ???

to be fair (and I haven't read the responses and probably won’t !!) it’s not the same
it’s really not and you know that

a girlfriend or old mate isn’t the same as a potential looming step dad

which is how they will see it !

its Xmas which even teens and tweens still love

Bless your heart. This is such a sad story. Please start your own thread to get some better responses as your post might get lost here.
do you feel safe telling your girlfriend?
have you sought therapy for yourself?
if you don’t feel safe feeling her for fear of her reaction maybe she is not the woman for you but if it’s because you just can’t say it then maybe therapy could help?
alternatively copy what you’ve written here and send it to her.
my heart is hurting for you
sending healing thoughts and vibes to you.

No it really does never go away! I have spent a long time just being a ‘mum’. It has been extremely lonely and exhausting at times, I have met someone who ticks all my boxes and more, we both feel the same way about the kids and the speed of things, their space etc and he is one of the kindest people I know.

I would be mad to stay single for the next five years or so when I have been given this opportunity, there is plenty of strong opinions here about it being ‘Christmas day’ but the kids don’t believe in god, I’m an atheist and it’s a lovely day for eating drinking and being merry and for them it’s about presents and cuddles and treat food, all of which they’ll get in bucketloads which they do throughout the year two.
ive asked their preference and they’ve given it. I’ve double checked and this is as far as it goes now unless they develop strong feelings and ask me to cancel altogether.
if I do anything else at this stage it’s overkill and making into a much bigger thing than it needs to be.

your story sounds lovely and I hope it’s working out for you two years down the line?
I had planned to be single indefinitely but this is someone I’ve always liked and respected and our friendship is wonderful, I’d like it to go somewhere and I know he would too .
But 100% if he did make the kids feel uncomfortable or unhappy I’d end the relationship in an instant.

Have your boyfriend over OP.. its only on MN are women expected to martyr themselves and not date until their youngest child hits 18. It's not even an overnight FGS.
Mind you, who am I to advise? I married my boyfriend within a year of meeting him. The vipers will be frothing over that especially as I have teens 😂

Oh my god! How very dare you follow your heart when you have children?
I am DISGUSTED 🤮 🤣
all joking aside, that sounds proper lovely and I’d love to hear more about it. Congratulations to you both, hope you’re happy and that your teens are too! xx

one of the posts upthread says ‘kids before cock’ or something similar. Made me laugh out loud and wonder if they have any idea how long ago I had sex before getting with this guy I’ve known for over 40 years?
I have a very high sex drive and I managed to do without for years to do the ‘right Thing’ for my kids. They will still get exactly the same amount of time and love as they always have because I predominantly do my personal life when they’re at their dad’s.

Like you @flagonfull I had known him for a very long time. His family too. I don't think other posters really take that into consideration. You really can get the measure of someone over time. So when I say 'met' I meant from our first date.
My teens (now very late teens) get on with him very well.
It sounds like you are putting the needs of your children first but also recognise that you deserve a life outside of motherhood too.
I also understand the loneliness of having teenagers retreat to their rooms after being fed and watered. In fact, since I met my husband I've actually seen more of my children. They seem to prefer the company of my husband to mine and watch box sets and play vinyl records. It's me that ends up in the bedroom now 😂. Which is fine as I can MN in peace 😉

flagonfull

to be honest I only read the part you had been together a year which drove my reply

that said I totally agree that you deserve happiness and a nice man in your life

as a PP said it does get lonely when you are a single mum

ive also got kids who are and remain troubled after I split from their dad , so I can’t imagine bringing a man into this !

anyway Xmas day aside ( I still think it’s a bit early ! Sorry !) I really hope it works out with this fella

@flagonfull it sounds like you’ll end up alone eating beige food on Xmas day, with your teenagers in their rooms?

If so, I’d have him round as the DC sound ok with him being there part day.

My kids are teens / young adults. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years so our third Xmas. We don’t live together. He’s not done Christmas with my kids yet (tho we did have Xmas together last year because they were with their Dad).

Your kids are right on this. 11 months or however long you’ve been together is way to soon to be imposing someone on them that they don’t yet k know.

Taking things slowly does get noticed and appreciated by kids. Mine have said subsequently that they appreciated the gradual introduction of my BF. as opposed to their Dad who moved his gf in after they’d met her 3 times. They need to feel they are your priority. Your son is speaking sense.

You sit and eat Christmas dinner on your own? They're teens, even if they don't want a roast, they should be sitting with you eating something else. Or is that what you mean? I read it as they went off to their rooms whilst you ate alone.

Just an additional note to say it does sound 100% like they are your priority and you’re taking this nice and slowly. Your bf sounds lovely so enjoy tiur first festive period together even if you can’t be with him that morning 😃

I agree, this is a good compromise. Gives them some more time to get to know him better and hopefully they'll feel more comfortable with him being their next year. I think it's fine in this case to put the kids first but if your relationship is serious you also need to ensure you nurture that.

It's all very well saying "kids come first" but you're allowed some happiness too.

Wow! Some people are gonna lose their shit when I tell them I bought a house with my DH after 6 months! Kids are so traumatised that my DSS16 now lives with us full time.