You don't have be right - is this gaslighting

[Flyhigher]

My DD16 always says that You don't have to be right all the time. Directed at me. This is gaslighting surely. Or it's a manipulation. To get her own way.

People are always saying this. It actually means that they want to be always right. It's a killer put down. What's the comeback? Or the right way to diffuse it?

It sounds more like she's saying you are controlling, that there is no way other than your way. No discussions, no compromise.

No it's not gaslighting on her part. It sounds like she feels you don't listen to her. Can you give context around when she's said this to you?

It sounds nothing like gaslighting to me - sounds like she feels she's never right at all and you always have to be! There's no comeback, because surely you agree you don't always have to be right?

No it's not

Well, unless you believe it is fact that you are right all the time.

Because gaslighting is when someone lies, manipulates and confuses someone so they begin to believe that what they thought they knew was true - isn't. That they are going crazy.

Sounds like she is saying she finds you arrogant.

Sounds like you never admit you are wrong about anything and argue over the slightest thing trying to prove a point. If multiple people have said this to you then maybe they have a point!

Just say, 'I AM ALWAYS RIGHT!'

Like Judge Judy although she did add she was wrong once, in 1960 (or some long gone date).

It sounds like something I'd say to a stubborn person.

Gaslighting would be her lying to you to make you question your sanity, ie "mum last week you said I could go to the party, have you really forgotten? You must be losing it"

"I don't have to be, but I usually am. That should tell you something!"

No it’s not gaslighting at all. And it’s not her saying she always wants to be right either - she’s still a child and maybe it’s her way of saying she finds you don’t listen to her

Well, it sounds like you want to be right all the time. Especially because you are convinced that people are trying to manipulate you by suggesting you might not be right all the time.

Having a different perception of a situation is not gaslighting or manipulation.

It's better to be happy than right.

If people are "always" saying this to you, it sounds like you're the one being argumentative.

Sometimes, opinions differ, and people who try to force their point and not let go are hard work.

It depends on context. I get this a lot, but I also recognise I have an almost pathological need to be right, and I often see being wrong as literally the worse thing that could happen (I probably need therapy, but it’s derived from a life of high academic achieving which I think I’ve built my identity around… but I digress)… so it’s often helpful feedback for me.

But also, there is a running joke in my family that I usually am right… so my come back is usually something along the lines of “I know I don’t need to be, but it’s a curse that I am always right!”

@Flyhigher People are always saying this. It actually means that they want to be always right is coming across as projection.
If people are always saying it to you, the way to diffuse it is to consider what you are doing that makes people say it.

I used to be an always righter, FWIW, and it came from a place of deep insecurity and fear and my issues not anyone else’s.

'Neither do you'.

It is ok to not be right sometimes.
It is ok for both parties to be right.
It is ok for both parties to be wrong.
It's ok for the other party to be wrong and you be right but you say nothing because it doesn't really matter.

Do people also tell you they think you are controlling? Rigid? Inflexible? Argumentative? No fun to be around?

I think she uses it to get her own way all the time.
I am the opposite of controlling. She does everything she wants. At times she shouts and is abusive.
For example orders me about. Gets a belly piercing it goes wrong. I try to help by organising a go appointment and a piercer to look at it she says I'll go to the gp. I say we should try both.

She doesn't. Gp isn't helpful and she then says let's go to piercer now. I say we can't go now, Monday. She then argues everything to her timetable.

She has no planning at all. Orders me about. If I make any suggestion it's you don't have to be right about everything.

Sometimes it's small things. Like it takes 20 mins to get somewhere. Or this car park is easiest.

I think most people fight their corner to the death. Sometimes is just my opinion, or a fact, if it's a fact like we need to leave here now or we will be late , then that's not me desperate to be right

If you can't have any opinion on any subject whatsoever then how can you be happy? If no one listens and if all people say, when you question anything is you have e to be right.

Why do I have to be wrong all the time?

I think it's a teen tactic to get their way. It's a tactic from everyone who wants their way. I don't say to anyone you want to right all the time.

Although I do think it. Everyone wants to be right. Some people just aren't!

She will not bend to anyone else's ideas or timetables ok any subject. Really wilful. When it goes wrong she then also wants help on her terms on her timetable. In her way. Which often she has no knowledge of at all. She's hardly lived. She can't feed a printer and wound be shown how to use it.

Any questioning of anything gets a you always have to be right.

Sounds like it's time for you to step back and for her to start experiencing natural consequences.

She gets a belly piercing that goes wrong - instead of trying to help (which she doesn't want), you say, "Oh dear. What are you going to do about it?" She organises the GP appointment, which doesn't go well, and then she might ask you for your advice about what to do next.

She's going to an event at a certain place, and isn't ready 20 minutes before it starts, but you know it takes 20 minutes to get there. You say nothing and let her be late. If it's your event too, you tell her that you're leaving at 20 minutes to, because you know how long it takes to get there and don't want to be late. If she's not ready, she doesn't come.

It sounds like it's a bit of a combination between her being a stroppy teenager and you liking to have your say about everything rather than leaving people to work things out for themselves.

The response to "You don't always have to be right" is "'Always' and 'never' aren't helpful or realistic ways of looking at the world. In this instance, I think '[insert your opinion here]'. You obviously see things differently, but I suspect that view might not give you the results you're after. Happy to be proven wrong, though!"

When it goes wrong she then also wants help on her terms on her timetable.

So this is the point where you get to say, "I'm happy to help and I can do it [insert time when it's convenient for you." Start focusing on your own boundaries and capacity and leave her to mess things up until she recognises for herself that she doesn't have all the answers, and if she wants your help, she needs to be respectful about asking for it.

It tends to be when she asks for help then doesn't want the solution.
Do step back. It goes wrong. She then shouts. And says you aren't always right. Then badgers into helping. Then different solution to hers. I'm always right.

Your last post is quite hard to understand and I suspect that you are contributing to the dynamic by getting agitated yourself and not having firm, calm boundaries.

Dont take her words personally, it’s just her feeling upset that she doesn’t have all the answers and you generally do. She’ll take time to learn this.

you sound like hard work, OP.
she's just a kid, cut her some slack.