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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

You don't have be right - is this gaslighting

70 replies

Flyhigher · 03/12/2023 15:52

My DD16 always says that You don't have to be right all the time. Directed at me. This is gaslighting surely. Or it's a manipulation. To get her own way.

People are always saying this. It actually means that they want to be always right. It's a killer put down. What's the comeback? Or the right way to diffuse it?

OP posts:
Flyhigher · 04/12/2023 11:22

@GoingOffOnATangent very reasoned. Thank you. Yes. As a young child it's all anticipating. Now it's responding. I'm not good at that. Can't go with the flow very well. I think I'm probably diverse. Or just very bad at this. Maybe we are similar in that our need for control is similar but we control in different ways. She wants everything spontaneous. Now. I can't process that fast. I just can't. She won't wait and sees that as controlling. I do try to direct some things. Like trying to plan her trips with buses and trains , or at least trying to get her to look at apps and so on to get her head round it all! She does one of her friends isn't helpful in planning at all.

OP posts:
GoingOffOnATangent · 04/12/2023 11:50

Yes, two totally different styles! Not an easy gel.

Why don't you sit down and talk to her about your motives. Discuss that the way you have learnt to be and feels natural means that you like to plan and there are advantages to that approach.
But that you've also noticed she is interpreting that approach as controlling, when that is not actually true.
Tell her that you understand that as she naturally leans towards the spontaneous, maybe your plan ahead approach does feel controlling, but that just isn't where you're coming from.
Tell her you recognise a spontaneous approach also has it's advantages, you can roll with the changes and do things on the spur of the moment, but the flip side is that sometimes that approach can catch you out when unanticipated things cause delays/problems and there isn't time to recover it.
The planning approach has it's advantages, looking things up in advance can buy you time to make a plan B if plan a isn't possible, fewer emergency bail outs needed, but, those who are wired that way, can find it harder to pivot, are less flexible.
Recognise the strengths on both approaches.
Maybe you could agree between you, that both approaches have their uses.
All her to understand that you find it hard to switch at a moments notice. This doesn't mean you're trying to be difficult, you are just wired that way.
Meanwhile offer her the understanding that her way can be useful, that if she is happy to accept it comes with the risk of suddenly needing bailing out, that you respect her wish to run that risk. But also that, her choice to take that risk is fine, you will back off and do trying to rescue her from herself in advance... But likewise if the emergency bail out she needs, can't be promised as your day is more mapped out than that, and whilst your willing to help her in your heart, it isn't always practical. So this freedom to do things her way must be done with the knowledge that instant fixes can't always be given by you.

Meanwhile don't forget that ALL teenagers are quite bad at planning ahead compared to the adult version of themselves.

Also, both extremes if either approach are a bit of a pain, and ideally life would include a blend of either depending on what is going on. So if you are both a bit polarised you could both do with trying to appreciate the benefits of the others way.

If you can try to have that conversation and help her recognise this, and at least not assign a malicious motive to your style, but recognise you are just a different person, you would be on the way to better mutual understanding.

If she is very reactive to you now, after all you've both been rubbing each other up the wing way for some time now, you may need to thaw things somewhat before a constructive conversation can happen... But you can at least see it as a goal and work you way towards it
Having a plan, might make you feel less like it's speaking out of control, and more like you are at the when of your ship again and you need to bring your DD into this understanding with you.

Make sure you are clear that all your attempts to discuss this are because she is important to you and you think that you have both been making mistakes but that you believe you can both enjoy a better relationship of some misunderstandings (on both sides) can be resolved

GoingOffOnATangent · 04/12/2023 11:54

Omg. Autocorrect is a blessing and a curse. I didn't edit that for perfection, hope it still makes sense and you can fill in the gaps!

Flyhigher · 04/12/2023 13:40

It makes perfect sense. Thank you.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 04/12/2023 14:01

Wolfiefan · 03/12/2023 15:59

Sounds like you never admit you are wrong about anything and argue over the slightest thing trying to prove a point. If multiple people have said this to you then maybe they have a point!

Yes. There is nothing worse than a parent who is never wrong and will not apologise.

Flyhigher · 04/12/2023 17:24

I do apologise.

OP posts:
Burntouted · 04/12/2023 18:46

Sounds like you are controlling, uncompromising, and not an open minded person. Not a "yielding" person.

A "know it all".
That everyone should automatically be in agreeance with you.

Someone who perhaps argues, start debates, and give oral presentations on why they're wrong and you're right.

"It's your way or no way" type of person.

She's saying you don't have to be insistent about being right all the time, because you're not...as no one is.

This post is reflective of your control issues and the need to be right. You've asked how to diffuse the situation, what an appropriate comeback would be, etc...

Pehaps therapy would be beneficial for you.. you need to learn where your adamacy and need for being controlling and "right" comes from, and how to fix it.

You also need to learn how to interact in a healthy manner towards others.

Grendell · 04/12/2023 18:51

Maybe reframe the "she has the element of surprise on her side" as just life unfolding in the normal course.

Flyhigher · 18/12/2023 05:24

ChanelNo19EDT · 04/12/2023 08:01

can you take feedback without getting defensive? do you need your narrative to prevail? do you get angry with people if they interpret the same situation differently?

Or does that discribe her? tbh, my mother is a very good gaslighter and it's the kind of thing she might say when she has refused to have a conversation. There is no reciprocity, but if i try to have a conversation she'll skip to the end like we had the conversation and say something like ''why do you have to be right?'' even though it was never discussed at all (in fact i got the silent treatment for trying to raise it) so, it was her way or the high way, always but she book ends the whole betrayal with something just like ''do you have to be right''.

so i can't vote!

That's exactly it. Makes a statement. I voice an opinion then it's you dont have to be right.

It's abusive. It's shutting people down. I never say it. What's the purpose of saying it but to shut someone down?

OP posts:
Flyhigher · 18/12/2023 05:29

Grendell · 04/12/2023 18:51

Maybe reframe the "she has the element of surprise on her side" as just life unfolding in the normal course.

She bounces us both into everything, it's not about reframing. It's actually selfish.

She could have a bit of consideration.

OP posts:
Flyhigher · 21/12/2023 07:16

Burntouted · 04/12/2023 18:46

Sounds like you are controlling, uncompromising, and not an open minded person. Not a "yielding" person.

A "know it all".
That everyone should automatically be in agreeance with you.

Someone who perhaps argues, start debates, and give oral presentations on why they're wrong and you're right.

"It's your way or no way" type of person.

She's saying you don't have to be insistent about being right all the time, because you're not...as no one is.

This post is reflective of your control issues and the need to be right. You've asked how to diffuse the situation, what an appropriate comeback would be, etc...

Pehaps therapy would be beneficial for you.. you need to learn where your adamacy and need for being controlling and "right" comes from, and how to fix it.

You also need to learn how to interact in a healthy manner towards others.

If I'm asked a question I will answer. I don't know this seems harsh. Now I'm doubting everything and everyone.

OP posts:
flowerchild2000 · 21/12/2023 07:18

All teenagers say that. It's a normal and healthy part of their development. They think they know everything too which is so annoying but it's just part of having a teenager. I think you need to lighten up on her.

flowerchild2000 · 21/12/2023 07:19

Are you having a mental health crisis? I'm hearing paranoia which is just really out of place in this situation.

Wolfiefan · 21/12/2023 09:03

Honestly OP I think you need RL help and support. You sound overwhelmed and what you’re writing here isn’t logical. You mention answering her statements then change that to answering her question. You sound hostile and yes rather paranoid.

Watchkeys · 21/12/2023 10:16

Can you define what 'setting boundaries' means, to you, @Flyhigher There might be a misunderstanding within this, that's exacerbating the issue.

category12 · 21/12/2023 11:16

What do you mean she bounces us into everything?

If you're not great at thinking on your feet and feel under pressure to respond to her quickly, it's OK to play for time and say "hang on, I need time to think about that".

I don't think going round and round on the bit you don't like ("you always have to be right") is helpful, although if you're neurodiverse I can understand that it's hard to let go of.

Tacotortoise · 21/12/2023 11:23

Flyhigher · 03/12/2023 17:32

It tends to be when she asks for help then doesn't want the solution.
Do step back. It goes wrong. She then shouts. And says you aren't always right. Then badgers into helping. Then different solution to hers. I'm always right.

I think I might have been this teenager 😳 A lot of hormones, secretly unsure of myself and struggling to assert my independence (without actually being independent). My mother handled it by using a lot of neutral statements (what should we do then?) and a few strong boundaries for when I went too far with the complaints.

If it's any consolation, I did grow up and out of it to a large extent.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/12/2023 11:26

Flyhigher · 03/12/2023 16:41

**
“I think most people fight their corner to the death

They don’t. She may have a point.

ironorchids · 21/12/2023 21:56

Flyhigher · 03/12/2023 15:52

My DD16 always says that You don't have to be right all the time. Directed at me. This is gaslighting surely. Or it's a manipulation. To get her own way.

People are always saying this. It actually means that they want to be always right. It's a killer put down. What's the comeback? Or the right way to diffuse it?

The way to fish out gaslighting is ask for two or three examples.

ironorchids · 21/12/2023 21:59

Flyhigher · 03/12/2023 16:51

She will not bend to anyone else's ideas or timetables ok any subject. Really wilful. When it goes wrong she then also wants help on her terms on her timetable. In her way. Which often she has no knowledge of at all. She's hardly lived. She can't feed a printer and wound be shown how to use it.

Hmm perhaps a good repsonse is "at 18 you're going to start paying rent. The ruder you are the higher the rent will be. Let's make a chart. Here are the forms for how to go on the housing list."

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