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Original poster

Father in law inappropriate

76 replies

Gdoug · 03/12/2023 13:35

I need some advice on how to move on from 2 incidents where my father in law was extremely inappropriate with me..the first time he done it he had me against a kitchen cabinet at a gathering and put his hand up my dress grabbed my private area.. a friend of my husbands seen it and was horrified. I told my husband immediately and my mother in law started shouting at me in that moment saying I was telling everyone at the party he assaulted me (I hadn’t) . My father in law became extremely angry and began threatening the hosts of the gathering. The next day my mother in law came over to gather the facts but there was never any real resolution or apology.. in fact my husbands father said that if my husband never spoke to him again because of it he would kill himself. I let it go because it’s not something I wanted to create a fight over. The following year he done something again… outside a bar when I was saying goodbye to family visiting. My father in law gave me a hug and started to lick and kiss my neck. I pushed him away and shouted at him. I told my husband immediately who wanted to follow him to confront him but after the issues it caused before I said I wanted to let it go.. we did not tell my husbands mother under my request. Several months ago I had quite a horrible dream about him doing something worse and I cannot shake it off. My husband and I told my mother in law what had happened the second time and tried to discuss it all together but basically my father in law says he cannot remember anything and he is sorry that he done it but he was having mental issues due to his mother passing away. I do not know if it is because we have had a child since and my perspective has changed but I cannot get it out of my head and feel sick at the thought of seeing both of my in laws. I just feel that it was handled in such a poor way and just cannot fathom him doing that not just to me but my husband and now just have such rage against them. I have since found out from my sister in law that my father in law had told her what he had “supposedly done” and told her that I had my period … I feel so violated and sickened that this level of detail was disclosed. I’m struggling to move on and really need some help to deal with it or advice to let it go?

OP posts:
GreatGateauxsby · 03/12/2023 13:41

In terms of closure
Do you think it would be helpful to have a "sit down" and look hin in the eye and talk it out?
OR writing a letter and sending ,/ burning,?

On a practical level I would never be in the same room as him under any circumstance (funeral, wedding anything) and I think you've been waaaaay more forgiving and accommodating than most people would be.

If you have or are planning children... NC with him would be a prerequisite for me but if my DH wanted "a relationship" that would be his business.

i am not sure why but the way you write makes it sound like he is not that old so this is probably NOT an explanation but elderly with Alzheimer's sometimes exhibit behaviour like this.

hairypaws · 03/12/2023 13:41

This horrible man has sexually assaulted you twice. If it was me, I'd cut all contact. Anyone who has an issue with that would be cut also. Him threatening suicide is manipulation at its finest.

You deserve to protect yourself from him, he is not worthy of compassion.

MycoBug · 03/12/2023 13:48

I would have rung the police and what is MIL doing staying with him?🙄

SamW98 · 03/12/2023 13:51

MIL reaction says to me he’s done this sort of thing before and she’s going ‘La la la not listening’

Like others have said I’d be keeping my distance as much as possible and certainly wouldn’t leave my kids with him.

JammieJem · 03/12/2023 14:00

I would have phoned the police the first time. And I would never have seen him again, and I would expect my husband to be done with him also, barring being civil when he dropped MIL back home after she visited her grandchildren at our house without him. The end.

Choux · 03/12/2023 14:02

I would tell my husband that I will never be alone in his company again and I would never have any physical greetings with him. I would also try to avoid him entirely although this may not be possible.

I would ask my husband that he relay the future rules to my in-laws. Your behaviour is not the problem. You should not have to confront or explain yourself. Unless you want to.

Had he ever said or done anything to make you feel uncomfortable prior to the first incident? That is a full on action so as someone else said, if he hasn't done or said anything to you previously he has likely been inappropriate with others in the past.

BoohooWoohoo · 03/12/2023 14:02

He will have done this before hence MIL’s reaction.

Grabbinb someone’s privates IS sexual assault. I understand why you wanted to minimise it but pretending that it didn’t happen is never going to resolve things.

You and your h need to separately work out what you want to do with regards to FIL. You need to at least protect your child and make sure that they are never alone with him so no sleepovers at his house etc. Personally I would never see him again and let your h choose his contact with FIL. Threatening suicide is a manipulative move that abusers resort to control their victims. Do not let that threat dictate what you decide to do. If he self harms it’s not your fault (You are most definitely the victim here) or your h’s fault. Tbh J am surprised that he wants to see his father after he assaulted you twice but I understand that it can take time for children to wake up to what their parent is really like.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 03/12/2023 14:02

He has sexually assaulted you twice. What you do is absolutely refuse to ever be in a room with him again. I hope your DH supports you in this. If he doesn't, I'd be questioning that relationship too.

momonpurpose · 03/12/2023 14:08

hairypaws · 03/12/2023 13:41

This horrible man has sexually assaulted you twice. If it was me, I'd cut all contact. Anyone who has an issue with that would be cut also. Him threatening suicide is manipulation at its finest.

You deserve to protect yourself from him, he is not worthy of compassion.

This. 1000 times this.

momonpurpose · 03/12/2023 14:10

SamW98 · 03/12/2023 13:51

MIL reaction says to me he’s done this sort of thing before and she’s going ‘La la la not listening’

Like others have said I’d be keeping my distance as much as possible and certainly wouldn’t leave my kids with him.

I think you are right. Not the first time at all. Cut him off op and definitely don't allow your children near him. Honestly I'd cut MIL off too

PTSDBarbiegirl · 03/12/2023 14:14

What does your DH say about his father sexual assaulting you? You won't find closure until you dish out a consequence that you see fit. If that's what he does in public what has he done with people he doesn't know. Does DH have a sister?

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 03/12/2023 14:21

I'm afraid I'd have kneed him as hard as I could in his nuts when he did this. I can guarantee that his memory would have improved remarkably and he'd never touch you again. Groping your DIL is not a normal grief reaction to the death of your mother and you'd be very gullible to believe it was. I'd like to say that my FIL was a delightful man who would never have thought of groping and licking his DIL. I think your husband has been very lily livered about this whole thing. Your FIL by the way has absolutely no intention of killing himself. If it's not dementia related, I bet he's been inappropriate with many women over the years. I certainly would never be alone with him again and my child certainly wouldn't be alone with him and I'd not trust your MIL either.

blacksax · 03/12/2023 14:21

What a disgusting creature. I bet he has form as long as your arm for this. Fucking pervert. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you will scream the place down in front of everyone and call the police if he ever assaults you again. And say all that to him in front of a witness.

jeaux90 · 03/12/2023 14:32

Inappropriate? Oh OP that is an understatement.

He assaulted you.

I wonder how many other women he has done this to.

I'm so sorry but there is no way I would be near that man ever.

dontforgetme · 03/12/2023 14:44

I would be cutting all contact and I would expect my oh to do the same.
This man has sexually assaulted you twice. I'm so sorry he has put you through this.
I agree with pp's who have said to call the police.

NightDreaming · 03/12/2023 14:59

I’m so sorry OP. What a horrible thing to have done to you.

In helping you process and move forward would it help you to think about would you would have done it if weren’t your FiL? If a man had assaulted you twice in that way what would you have done? Confronted him? Gone to the police? Made sure you were never near him again?

You absolutely have to put yourself first. It’s made harder as this man happens to be your husband’s father, so there’s a knock on effect on the family. However that knock on effect is created by your FiL, so don’t feel guilty about it. Put yourself first, you have not done anything wrong. I really hope you find the closure you need & deserve x

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 03/12/2023 15:09

So sorry this happened to you. There’s no way I would want this repellent excrement around my children. And I would report him to the Police, OP.

SheilaFentiman · 03/12/2023 15:22

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 03/12/2023 14:21

I'm afraid I'd have kneed him as hard as I could in his nuts when he did this. I can guarantee that his memory would have improved remarkably and he'd never touch you again. Groping your DIL is not a normal grief reaction to the death of your mother and you'd be very gullible to believe it was. I'd like to say that my FIL was a delightful man who would never have thought of groping and licking his DIL. I think your husband has been very lily livered about this whole thing. Your FIL by the way has absolutely no intention of killing himself. If it's not dementia related, I bet he's been inappropriate with many women over the years. I certainly would never be alone with him again and my child certainly wouldn't be alone with him and I'd not trust your MIL either.

Instinctive reactions are fight, flight, freeze or fawn. In situations of threat, the latter two are far more common. You do not know what you would have done.

category12 · 03/12/2023 15:26

I wouldn't be in his (or his wife's) company again.

Your husband can see his parents on his own if he wants to.

I wouldn't be allowing my children anywhere near him either, because someone with impulse control issues on that level is not to be trusted.

mummymeister · 03/12/2023 15:27

So @Gdoug just imagine for a minute that this had been done to you by a mate of your husbands or someone out in a bar or at work? you would be calling it what it is a sexual assault. just because he is related to you by marriage doesnt make a bit of difference. He is a predator and a pervert. he preys on people where he knows he can get away with it. you arent the first and you wont be the last. but he carries on doing it because no one makes a stand. so if you do carry on having any sort of relationship with him what next? will you wait until he tries to rape you? or he assaults one of your children. Abuse within families is absolutely fucking vile and worse still it is commonplace precisely because people dont want to rock the boat.

Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 03/12/2023 15:29

hairypaws · 03/12/2023 13:41

This horrible man has sexually assaulted you twice. If it was me, I'd cut all contact. Anyone who has an issue with that would be cut also. Him threatening suicide is manipulation at its finest.

You deserve to protect yourself from him, he is not worthy of compassion.

A wise comment.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/12/2023 15:35

I'd be threatening to report him to the police, frankly. Who knows when this could escalate. Who knows who else he will do this, and worse, to?

wutheringkites · 03/12/2023 15:36

Is the sister in law you mention this man's daughter or another daughter in law? What was her reaction to what he told her?

Lizzieregina · 03/12/2023 15:43

You’ve been sexually assaulted TWICE!

I would not be seeing this man again for anything ever! If your OH can’t understand this, I wouldn’t be seeing him either.

Protect yourself. Cut all contact.

Original poster
Gdoug · 03/12/2023 15:49

I do agree with everything you’re saying, I’ve now refused to see them at the moment because it’s completely messed with my mood everyday.. I just can’t shake it out of my head! My husband has been amazing and actually told his mother that they’re lucky we didn’t press charges etc but it seems to be all the blame placed on me from their side.
my husband hands over to my MIL weekly for her to see her grandson for a few hours and I’ve stopped him sleeping over the last 4/5 months.
I just wish I hadn’t have let it go so quickly years ago.
Thankyou so much for replying, it feels good to be heard by people that are completely outside of the situation x

OP posts: