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Original poster

Father in law inappropriate

76 replies

Gdoug · 03/12/2023 13:35

I need some advice on how to move on from 2 incidents where my father in law was extremely inappropriate with me..the first time he done it he had me against a kitchen cabinet at a gathering and put his hand up my dress grabbed my private area.. a friend of my husbands seen it and was horrified. I told my husband immediately and my mother in law started shouting at me in that moment saying I was telling everyone at the party he assaulted me (I hadn’t) . My father in law became extremely angry and began threatening the hosts of the gathering. The next day my mother in law came over to gather the facts but there was never any real resolution or apology.. in fact my husbands father said that if my husband never spoke to him again because of it he would kill himself. I let it go because it’s not something I wanted to create a fight over. The following year he done something again… outside a bar when I was saying goodbye to family visiting. My father in law gave me a hug and started to lick and kiss my neck. I pushed him away and shouted at him. I told my husband immediately who wanted to follow him to confront him but after the issues it caused before I said I wanted to let it go.. we did not tell my husbands mother under my request. Several months ago I had quite a horrible dream about him doing something worse and I cannot shake it off. My husband and I told my mother in law what had happened the second time and tried to discuss it all together but basically my father in law says he cannot remember anything and he is sorry that he done it but he was having mental issues due to his mother passing away. I do not know if it is because we have had a child since and my perspective has changed but I cannot get it out of my head and feel sick at the thought of seeing both of my in laws. I just feel that it was handled in such a poor way and just cannot fathom him doing that not just to me but my husband and now just have such rage against them. I have since found out from my sister in law that my father in law had told her what he had “supposedly done” and told her that I had my period … I feel so violated and sickened that this level of detail was disclosed. I’m struggling to move on and really need some help to deal with it or advice to let it go?

OP posts:
Natty13 · 03/12/2023 18:35

I hope to God you don't have a daughter. Little girls need to be shown, by example, that you don't tolerate someone touching you intimately without permission.

I am honestly stunned and appalled that you brushed not just one but two disgraceful incidents under the carpet. Where did you learn that you have to put up with that to "keep the peace"? You can cut this man out your life forever whenever you like. It isn't you causing a ruckus, it's you reacting appripriately to disgraceful (and criminal!) behaviour.

If a stranger in the street had done either of things would you be spending Christmas with them? Inviting them into your home for dinners and spending time with your kids? No... you'd phone the police and never see them again. So why give this pig so much grace? Because he shares DNA with your husband?

wutheringkites · 03/12/2023 18:52

I hope to God you don't have a daughter. Little girls need to be shown, by example, that you don't tolerate someone touching you intimately without permission.

All children need to be taught this, not just girls.

appalledandtired · 03/12/2023 19:40

Of course cut all contact. You are well within your rights to go to the police and you can tell your father and mother in law that as well

appalledandtired · 03/12/2023 19:42

Am very sorry you have gone through this, it sounds extremely upsetting and it is no wonder you are having nightmares.

ChateauDuMont · 03/12/2023 20:02

What would you do if this man was unrelated to your husband?

You would call the police. You would not go anywhere in the meantime where this man is likely to be. Your husband would be fully sympathetic and supporting you.

As it stands, you have been molested twice and your husband is not really doing anything about it.

ChateauDuMont · 03/12/2023 20:03

Inappropriate is not the correct word here. Inappropriate is making less of what he actually did and that was molest you.

billy1966 · 04/12/2023 00:30

I can hardly believe what I am reading.
You poor woman.

Multiple sexual assaults by.your FIL.

Your husband has done nothing and he hands over your child on a weekly basis to his mother who victim blamed you?

Absolutely unbelievable.

Your poor child put at risk with these freaks.

This is not normal.

Handing over your child to them is not normal.

This is a police matter.

Suicide threats?

Typical abuser behaviour from utter scum.

Your husband is no prize OP.

A good man would involve the police and have nothing further to do with any of them.

Certainly not hand his child over weekly.

Your FIL is a dangerous violent man.
Your husband is handing your child over to him and his mother.

This is not normal.

Your child should not be near them.

altmember · 04/12/2023 00:45

You are certainly doing the right thing by refusing to be anywhere near him. But you also need to protect your child from this man as well. No way would I let my kids near him either, especially if you're not there in person yourself.

His MO is very disturbing - either this is recent behaviour due to a neurological issue (like Alzheimer's), or he's been doing this for a very long time. Is it possible that your husband and SIL have been sexually abused by him over the years as well?

FictionalCharacter · 04/12/2023 00:48

JammieJem · 03/12/2023 14:00

I would have phoned the police the first time. And I would never have seen him again, and I would expect my husband to be done with him also, barring being civil when he dropped MIL back home after she visited her grandchildren at our house without him. The end.

Absolutely. OP this sex offender needs to be kept away from you and your kids. To be honest I wouldn’t want the sex offender’s enabler, who blamed you for the assaults (your MIL) to be around my kids either. I wouldn’t hand my kids over to her, knowing that she will or might let him have access to them.

Sex offenders don’t just do this kind of thing once or twice, it’s what they are, and they’re opportunistic. Protect your kids at all costs. Who cares if she shouts or sulks. As a victim of rape by a relative when I was very little, I can tell you, I never forgave my parents for not protecting me. Don’t let that happen to your family.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 04/12/2023 09:56

Never see either of them again. And keep your dc away. He is a sex pest and mil is supporting him. None of the fall out is your fault op. Fil is a sick pervert. Remember that if they start harassing you to see your dc... It should never happen.

billy1966 · 04/12/2023 10:53

There is no way the OP is his only victim.

Absolutely no way.

I cannot believe you would allow a sex offender near your child.

Men like that don't care if its an adult or a child they abuse.

OP, what is your own background like that you would allow them near your child?

It really is so hard to believe.

Has your husband and his siblings been sexually abused?

The whole family seem so accepting of you being seriously sexually assaulted.

This is so NOT normal.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 04/12/2023 11:30

The kind of man that would do this is a sick pervert. You're DC needs to never be left alone with this man and MILs presence isn't good enough. Think about it for a moment, what sort of person can do this and what sort of person can justify it. Personally my DC wouldn't be seeing them at all, ever. Your child's mental and physical safety are much more important than having a grandparent. You're mental and physical wellbeing are also very important. It can't be good for your mental health and your self esteem to still have this man present in your life.

DidiAskYouThough · 04/12/2023 11:40

Your husband is failing his kid by exposing him to a sex offender and it’s apologist. His relatives are scum of the earth, there’s zero justification for any of their foul crimes and the fact that your husband inflicts them on the kid is diabolical.
Hopefully you find the strength to report the attacks to the police.

DidiAskYouThough · 04/12/2023 11:44

Your child has been made to sleep over at the criminals house?! 😱

merrywidow · 04/12/2023 13:33

FIL and MIL have done a DARVO on you, deny, attack, reverse , victim , offender.

FIL is a predatory abuser and MIL is covering his arse.

I'm horrified however I have seen family rally round an abuser- the dynamic is so toxic and messed up but there's usually a primary predator involved and that is your FIL . You won't be the first he's done it to .

Catoo · 04/12/2023 14:48

Bloody hell OP. You and DH are massively under reacting to these assaults. Can’t help but think they’re used to him sexually assaulting people. You won’t be the first.

I can’t get my head round the fact that he gave his daughter those details about the assault. Suggests rather sadly that he’s used to talking in such terms with his daughter and I suspect she’s a victim too (?maybe also DH as his reaction here seems off. No one seems shocked?)

Never see him again.
Never leave your child at his house again.

I would be clear about why.

Some good advice from PP about speaking to professionals who deal with victims of sexual assault.

💐

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 04/12/2023 14:53

can’t get my head round the fact that he gave his daughter those details about the assault.

Indeed, it appears that this family have zero boundaries. I cannot even begin to fathom my own dad telling me something like this and with such details. It would have been appalling and unthinkable.

This is one sick family.

SourCaroline · 04/12/2023 14:55

BoohooWoohoo · 03/12/2023 15:54

When MIL looks after your son , is FIL there ? I would not hand over my child to an abuser and their enabler- they clearly need supervising. Just because your child is a boy, it doesn’t mean he’s safe from FIL.

This, OP.

I’m sorry but I don’t think your baby is safe.
I’m sorry for your entanglement with this dreadful group of people. Shudder.

The only good thing is that your husband is aware of what they’re like.
What kind of extended family support do you have from your own family?

Cedar13 · 04/12/2023 18:10

Please don't let either of them have any contact with your child. He's is a sex offender and she is protecting him and won't keep your child safe.

billy1966 · 04/12/2023 18:11

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 04/12/2023 14:53

can’t get my head round the fact that he gave his daughter those details about the assault.

Indeed, it appears that this family have zero boundaries. I cannot even begin to fathom my own dad telling me something like this and with such details. It would have been appalling and unthinkable.

This is one sick family.

That is one fxcked up family.

God knows whats gone on historically, not to mind on a daily basis.

The father and daughters conversation is chilling and deeply sick.

How the OP hasn't involved the police is unbelievable.

He's the type of man if charged, others would come out of the woodwork.

She definitely isn't his first.

I cannot get my head around handing your child over regularly to such a toxic bunch.

Some children really are offered up and sacrificed by their familys to keep the peace.

So sad.

Startyabastard · 04/12/2023 18:13

This is vile and inexcusable. Informing the police wouldn't be too much.

momonpurpose · 04/12/2023 18:15

The comment about you being on your period is so far past sick it's insane. OP please press charges and cut these people off

agent765 · 04/12/2023 18:53

altmember · 04/12/2023 00:45

You are certainly doing the right thing by refusing to be anywhere near him. But you also need to protect your child from this man as well. No way would I let my kids near him either, especially if you're not there in person yourself.

His MO is very disturbing - either this is recent behaviour due to a neurological issue (like Alzheimer's), or he's been doing this for a very long time. Is it possible that your husband and SIL have been sexually abused by him over the years as well?

This plus I think you should involve the police.

In the meantime stop all contact. He's not going to kill himself. Men like that are too selfish and manipulative - even if he's ill.

I suggest the police as they will probably press charges. If investigated he may have to have reports on his mental health done.

I worked on an EMI ward many years ago. It was just as Alzheimer's was being recognised. Both males and females would show uninhibited sexual behaviour such as flashing but groping was almost entirely a male thing.

Historic sexual abuse would frequently come to the fore when families were told.

It's sad if it turns out to be a mental health situation but still dangerous for others in the family so avoid him at all costs.

spidermonkeys · 04/12/2023 19:02

I am so sorry this happened to you.

Why on earth are you allowing contact with your DC. This is absolutely irresponsible and you need to be protecting your child.

Your FIL clearly cannot be trusted, and your MIL isn much better as she is enabling him.

2jacqi · 04/12/2023 19:10

@Gdoug Jeez!!! why are you still going to any function where he will be?? pretty sure that you are not the first person he has done this too and your MIL knows this too!!!! Your hubby needs to step up and take your side! no contact with his family! his father is disgusting and to be honest, his mother is not far off because she has enabled him to carry on with his disgraceful behaviour!!!!