Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Father in law inappropriate

76 replies

Gdoug · 03/12/2023 13:35

I need some advice on how to move on from 2 incidents where my father in law was extremely inappropriate with me..the first time he done it he had me against a kitchen cabinet at a gathering and put his hand up my dress grabbed my private area.. a friend of my husbands seen it and was horrified. I told my husband immediately and my mother in law started shouting at me in that moment saying I was telling everyone at the party he assaulted me (I hadn’t) . My father in law became extremely angry and began threatening the hosts of the gathering. The next day my mother in law came over to gather the facts but there was never any real resolution or apology.. in fact my husbands father said that if my husband never spoke to him again because of it he would kill himself. I let it go because it’s not something I wanted to create a fight over. The following year he done something again… outside a bar when I was saying goodbye to family visiting. My father in law gave me a hug and started to lick and kiss my neck. I pushed him away and shouted at him. I told my husband immediately who wanted to follow him to confront him but after the issues it caused before I said I wanted to let it go.. we did not tell my husbands mother under my request. Several months ago I had quite a horrible dream about him doing something worse and I cannot shake it off. My husband and I told my mother in law what had happened the second time and tried to discuss it all together but basically my father in law says he cannot remember anything and he is sorry that he done it but he was having mental issues due to his mother passing away. I do not know if it is because we have had a child since and my perspective has changed but I cannot get it out of my head and feel sick at the thought of seeing both of my in laws. I just feel that it was handled in such a poor way and just cannot fathom him doing that not just to me but my husband and now just have such rage against them. I have since found out from my sister in law that my father in law had told her what he had “supposedly done” and told her that I had my period … I feel so violated and sickened that this level of detail was disclosed. I’m struggling to move on and really need some help to deal with it or advice to let it go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gdoug · 03/12/2023 15:51

His daughter…my brothers sister it was at a time that my husband was speaking to his sister because she had slapped me. One of the main reasons I let it go as well was to not be viewed as the reason I’m causing trouble in their family because of what we were going through with her.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 03/12/2023 15:54

When MIL looks after your son , is FIL there ? I would not hand over my child to an abuser and their enabler- they clearly need supervising. Just because your child is a boy, it doesn’t mean he’s safe from FIL.

SamW98 · 03/12/2023 15:55

So your FIL sexually assaulted you and your SIL slapped you? WTAF??

I would stay as far away from the whole family as possible. They sound appalling

category12 · 03/12/2023 15:55

I’ve now refused to see them at the moment

Make that permanent - if you had been assaulted in this way by an unrelated person, you wouldn't see them again.

He shouldn't have used his access to you through family ties to assault you - don't let those ties be manipulated to remove your safety ongoing.

Kastri · 03/12/2023 15:56

Keep your child away from them.

Original poster
Gdoug · 03/12/2023 15:58

Thankyou all so much… my husband has been amazing I’ve had to stop him from kicking his arse over it and he has very little contact with him.
I have explained to my husband I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable and he respects this and says he only wants minimum contact too.
the support has been brilliant Thankyou all so much x

OP posts:
EverybodyLTB · 03/12/2023 15:59

I’m so sorry but you are being abused by the lot of them. Physically assaulted by your husband’s sister, and sexually assaulted by your husband’s father. Anyone not freaking out over this and cutting them off is complicit.

You need to find your power to protect your child from these monsters. No way would someone who green lights sexual assault be anywhere near my kids - the MIL cant be trusted. That man could sexually abuse your child…. Jesus Christ. I’d be calling the police now. I understand how you re-enacted at the time and there’s nobody can say in the moment what they would or wouldn’t do, but now you’re in a position of needing to protect yourself and your child. Your husband and MIL are frankly despicable.

Mummymummy89 · 03/12/2023 16:00

My god this is awful, I'd never see any of them again.

As for him threatening suicide... boohoo, what a devastating loss that would be...!

One of the main reasons I let it go as well was to not be viewed as the reason I’m causing trouble in their family

You need to care what they all think much, much less. Bunch of sex abusers and abuse apologists.

EverybodyLTB · 03/12/2023 16:01

Your husband “wanted to kick his arse” great but ultimately he’s done fuck all apart from reduce contact. The man is a danger and your MIL is his enabler - neither can be trusted and if your husband thinks they’re ok to be around them neither is he.

RedToothBrush · 03/12/2023 16:17

JammieJem · 03/12/2023 14:00

I would have phoned the police the first time. And I would never have seen him again, and I would expect my husband to be done with him also, barring being civil when he dropped MIL back home after she visited her grandchildren at our house without him. The end.

This. His behaviour isn't inappropriate. Don't call it inappropriate.

He sexually assaulted you. That's a criminal act. Call it that.

RedToothBrush · 03/12/2023 16:19

Gdoug · 03/12/2023 15:58

Thankyou all so much… my husband has been amazing I’ve had to stop him from kicking his arse over it and he has very little contact with him.
I have explained to my husband I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable and he respects this and says he only wants minimum contact too.
the support has been brilliant Thankyou all so much x

'foreseeable'?

Try 'never again'.

It's reasonable and proportionate as a response.

CandyLeBonBon · 03/12/2023 16:20

Gdoug · 03/12/2023 15:51

His daughter…my brothers sister it was at a time that my husband was speaking to his sister because she had slapped me. One of the main reasons I let it go as well was to not be viewed as the reason I’m causing trouble in their family because of what we were going through with her.

Your sister in law slapped you?? Wtaf?

wutheringkites · 03/12/2023 16:22

If this is real then you are under reacting. I wouldn't be having any contact with any of them and I wouldn't let my child near any of them either.

autienotnaughty · 03/12/2023 16:22

Honestly I would go no contact with whole family and expect dh to go no contact with fil.

wutheringkites · 03/12/2023 16:24

A family that ignores sexual assault, blames the victim and where it's seemingly ok for a man to share intimate details about an assault with his own daughter, are a safeguarding risk for your child. Even the mother in law. Cut them all out.

RedToothBrush · 03/12/2023 16:25

wutheringkites · 03/12/2023 16:24

A family that ignores sexual assault, blames the victim and where it's seemingly ok for a man to share intimate details about an assault with his own daughter, are a safeguarding risk for your child. Even the mother in law. Cut them all out.

This.

You can not trust any of them to be with your child without you in case they decide FIL is fine to be around your child too.

lesdeluges · 03/12/2023 16:54

OP, I think you possibly need some impartial advice and counselling to see the reality here. I don't think you realise yet how dangerous the situation actually is TBH.

I know it might sound OTT to you, but maybe a good move would be to contact the Rape Crisis Centre nearest to you. I understand that you might believe you were not actually raped, but it was sexual assault and they deal with this. There is a service where they will talk you through your assault. This is from their website:

Not sure where to start? Whether something sexual happened to you without your consent recently or in the past – or you're not sure what happened – we are here to help you think through your options and next steps.

Rape Crisis England & Wales

Please have a chat with them.

Rape Crisis England & Wales

Get help and support after rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse or any form of sexual violence. We are the charity working to end sexual violence and abuse.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/

kweeble · 03/12/2023 16:58

I would not see them again and I’d keep them away from your child.
You can also go to the police - that has the benefit of getting it on record and may stop him assaulting others.

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 03/12/2023 17:01

Yes, I agree with getting these crimes on record with the police. I think it’s
likely he has done this to other women and girls.

mindutopia · 03/12/2023 17:25

I’m really sorry this has happened to you. Me personally, I’d be going no contact and Dh would be too. Neither of them would ever see my children, except perhaps MIL under our supervision in the right circumstances.

A similar thing has happened in my family though the person sexually assaulted wasn’t me but another family member and the perv is my stepfather. Dh and I immediately went NC with him. We gave my mum time to get her head around it, to understand the consequences and severity of what had happened, asked her to get some therapy so she’d have someone to talk to about it all. Ultimately, she refused to deal with it and chose him over family. We are NC with both of them now.

I can’t expect my children to demand people respect their boundaries and treat them with respect and dignity and expect them to understand healthy relationships if I’m unwilling to do the hard work of demanding the same in our family relationships. So it was an absolute non negotiable for me.

mindutopia · 03/12/2023 17:34

I would also report it, especially as you have a witness. This is because it creates a clear record that will support any future decisions blocking his contact with your dc, if you and your Dh were to split or disagree about his involvement in your family. It also supports any future claims you can make to safeguarding your dc.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/12/2023 17:42

hairypaws · 03/12/2023 13:41

This horrible man has sexually assaulted you twice. If it was me, I'd cut all contact. Anyone who has an issue with that would be cut also. Him threatening suicide is manipulation at its finest.

You deserve to protect yourself from him, he is not worthy of compassion.

This

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/12/2023 17:43

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 03/12/2023 14:02

He has sexually assaulted you twice. What you do is absolutely refuse to ever be in a room with him again. I hope your DH supports you in this. If he doesn't, I'd be questioning that relationship too.

Agreed. And refuse for you children to ever be around him too

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/12/2023 17:44

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 03/12/2023 14:21

I'm afraid I'd have kneed him as hard as I could in his nuts when he did this. I can guarantee that his memory would have improved remarkably and he'd never touch you again. Groping your DIL is not a normal grief reaction to the death of your mother and you'd be very gullible to believe it was. I'd like to say that my FIL was a delightful man who would never have thought of groping and licking his DIL. I think your husband has been very lily livered about this whole thing. Your FIL by the way has absolutely no intention of killing himself. If it's not dementia related, I bet he's been inappropriate with many women over the years. I certainly would never be alone with him again and my child certainly wouldn't be alone with him and I'd not trust your MIL either.

I don't think this is helpful- it can make victims feel they were at fault for not standing up for themselves. Most victims go into a shocked freeze mode rather than fight like
This.

Although I agree he would have deserved the knee to the genitals

mrssunshinexxx · 03/12/2023 17:51

Id of cut contact and potentially called the police I would expect and know if it was my husband he would have cut him off in that moment most likely after assaulting him back.