Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband affair

63 replies

Tiredhungry · 03/12/2023 13:26

Hi,

Looking for help/handhold.
Just found out about DH ongoing affair. I feel so heartbroken and in a complete fog. Can’t sleep or eat.
I wondered if anyone had any experience? How long will it take for me to stop crying and start to think about what to do.

He says he wants to stay (just sex, meant nothing), I just don’t know how i will make it to tomorrow, never mind move on from this (with or without him)

anyone stayed? What were the circumstances. I just want someone to tell me it will all be ok

OP posts:
Rania78 · 03/12/2023 13:40

Hi OP,
Just discovered husband cheats as well. I had suspected months ago but just decided to look into it just now.
I plan leaving him and looking forward to life without him. I am 45, no kids though. Have lost no sleep, following certain nutrition and focusing on myself.
If I had kids it might have been a different case. I guess I would have a discussion to see If there is any way I could work it out just for the kids shake. Although I am not sure this would be proper environment for kids to grow ie two parents hating each other.
May I ask If you are financially independent? By the way the “it was just sex” is a common lie when they get caught.
if you can kick him out do it. At least ask him to leave to give you some space.

Mstxxx · 03/12/2023 13:50

I don't want to be upsetting but if it was ongoing, to me I wouldn't believe that it was just sex. Sex with someone just once maybe or different people once, but depending how long it has been ongoing I wouldn't take that as gospel. From my experience, he was having an affair for 5 years with the same person, telling eachother I love you, plans to be with her eventually - to then turn around to me and say it was just sex. It certainly wasn't. It doesn't feel it now but everything will be okay - everyone deserves better than to be with someone who does this

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 03/12/2023 14:08

I have no idea how anyone ever recovers from their partner having a prolonged affair. It's just the worst thing that can be done to you by someone who ought to love and care for you, in my opinion. So sorry this has happened to you. We can't tell you it will be okay, you are in day at a time territory right now. My suggestion would be that he goes away and gives you space to think and process while you decide what to do next. Hope you're ok.

LaurieStrode · 03/12/2023 14:12

Sorry this is happening to you. 💐💐💐

Do you have children?

jeaux90 · 03/12/2023 14:28

Sod him and what he wants, you need time to focus on your needs and what you want to do next.

Tell him to leave for a while otherwise he might try and lovebomb you into a corner.

muchalover · 03/12/2023 14:29

I would suggest this is not the time for you to be thinking about whether your marriage continues. I think that taking however long you need to get your head around this with not a single element of pressure from anyone is where you currently are.

Whether your DH gives you the time and space you need with complete and utter understanding of YOUR needs will dictate whether it is even conceivable that you may even be amicable with him at some point in the future.

UtterlyButterly2048 · 03/12/2023 15:05

Honestly? The truth is that it takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity, regardless of whether you stay or leave. Not what you want to hear I know….but know this…whatever happens, whatever you or he decide, you WILL be ok. If you have literally just found out, you are in the middle of a tsunami and you do not know which way is up. That is totally normal. Have a look at the surviving infidelity website. Lots and lots of people there who have been in your shoes and can give good advice. One other thing. What he did? It’s NOTHING to do with you. It’s his weakness, his selfishness, his shit. There is absolutely NOTHING you could have done to prevent this. And if he tries, for even one second to blame you? Shut that shit down. This is all on him, it’s not you. Buckle up because this will be the most awful rollercoaster that you didn’t even know you were on, but he signed you up for. Never forget for one minute that he put you here. And act accordingly. Good luck op, I’m sending strength and shit kicking vibes your way xxx

Original poster
Tiredhungry · 03/12/2023 15:32

Hi, I found out 2 weeks ago. He’s still here.
we have young kids and it’s Xmas so I don’t want them to wonder where he is. Plus it’s hard, we both work hard so having him here to help with them is useful. I think it would be harder to try navigate this with full care of them.
He is making all the moves he needs to. Literally would do anything.
I agree that I don’t think it was just sex. It was physical for 9 months with obviously a lead up (they became friends at start of last year). But what I do think is he wouldn’t go back there. What I don’t know is whether he would do it again or even whether I can get over knowing how much pain he has caused.
i am mentally and physically broken from this.
the pain is getting less each day since after about 3 days in. But the wandering around in a fog is still there massively.
I just cry everywhere - work, Asda today, driving.
I’m just so mad at him. It wasn’t perfect. Things never are. We could have fixed whatever was going wrong.
she wants to be with him - leave her partner and live with him all the kids together.
it’s very easy to be exciting and fun and all the other things when real life is not in the way!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredhungry · 03/12/2023 15:35

Thank you for your supportive messages.

I keep asking questions about detail which he is willing to tell me so I know a lot. I wish I didn’t know so much but it’s like a morbid curiosity. Not sure if this is helping my healing or hindering it. I just feel like I want to know the whole thing. If someone gave me a chance to watch it all for the whole thing, I think I’d take it (and instantly regret it as you can’t unknow any of this stuff)

OP posts:
Iloveanicegarden · 03/12/2023 15:47

@Tiredhungry Been there, got the Tshirt!!! I wanted to know every detail so nothing could pop up and surprise me. Turns out H was jealous of my job and the time I spent on it. He felt neglected etc etc. I wanted him gone but made it clear it was to be his decision, I started making plans for sale of house etc.
In the end we worked it out and 10yrs later we're still together - but it was touch and go to begin with.

Menopausalprincess · 03/12/2023 15:49

If you’re going to make the relationship work, I think you need to stop picking over the details of what happened. What you do need to do is be absolutely sure he intends to stay with you. Has he told OW it’s over & not to contact him again? Has he deleted/blocked her contact details on all SM? He also needs to know EXACTLY how he has made you feel - the pain, the anger, the distrust. He needs to be able to sit with that, recognise it, own it. Then you both need to be willing to work to rebuild the trust.

Not everyone is willing/able to do that, so you both need to be honest

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 03/12/2023 15:49

What a shit situation to be in and at this time of year too, big hugs to you.
How did you find out? Did he confess or was he caught? In my experience they'll say it was just sex and meant nothing but if it's been going on for 9 months it's definitely not just sex.
You need time and space to process everything, tormenting yourself with the details won't help you in the long run although I understand the want to know.
Right now it's about you and your kids, fuck him and what he wants. Don't think you can't go it alone if that's what you want because you absolutely can.

ginasevern · 03/12/2023 15:51

OP, my husband cheated and although we tried to struggle on for three years we did end up separating. Most people can't get past a betrayal like this, it eats you from the inside out. You will never again see him as the man you married. I asked every question going, even about their sexual positions. It was like a compulsion and I kept demanding to know every detail. God knows why but apparently it is a normal response. I haven't got any advice really, the only thing I would say is that whatever he tells you is probably only a fraction of the truth. He will also beg forgiveness and be the nicest he has been for years. They call it "the script". Good luck with whatever you decide. The fog takes a long time to clear.

Original poster
Tiredhungry · 03/12/2023 15:51

That’s interesting. Did you find that out through therapy?
move booked in to relate. Not so much in the view of reconciling but just to keep me afloat.
Are you happy now? What was the recovery time? When did the need to know everything dissipate?
I wish I was more badass than I am. I always thought I would be ruthless. Turns out I have some ruths

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredhungry · 03/12/2023 15:52

@Iloveanicegarden that was aimed at you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredhungry · 03/12/2023 15:58

@ginasevern i feel like he has robbed me of my life so far, I don’t want to spend another chunk of it on him. So I’m worried about that.

at the moment I don’t think I can learn any more than I already know. Even down to conversations.

I would say that he wouldn’t do it again and would never contact her. But what do I know?! I’ve been lied to for this long. I don’t recognise this person. It feels absolutely surreal

OP posts:
SataumaMeddler · 03/12/2023 16:00

Whatever happens, please don't forget 'he wasn't sorry when you didn't know'

Rosiem2808 · 03/12/2023 16:01

SataumaMeddler

Whatever happens, please don't forget 'he wasn't sorry when you didn't know'

This is important. If you had not found out he would still be shagging her.

Susieb2023 · 03/12/2023 16:02

I’m reconciled after an affair.

My first piece of advice is to find the surviving infidelity website and post there. The advice is second to none and grounded in experience and real knowledge of current thinking around infidelity.

Secondly, don’t trust him for a moment. When they’re found out cheats will go into damage control mode but the deep rooted issues are still there and will rear their heads in ongoing contact as affairs can be addictive.

Employ a watch and wait approach and get yourself into counselling, you need to explore of this is a deal breaker for you. Relationship counselling should be down the list, this isn’t a marriage issue it’s a husband issue. He needs individual counselling to unpick why the hell he was that selfish and entitled.

STI tests are also a standard.

Get an accurate timeline of everything that happened. You do need to ask questions as of you do decide to reconcile you need to know exactly what you’re moving on from otherwise the questions will drive you crazy.

As someone else said you’ve only just found out and right now your healing comes first. Self care!!!!!

Original poster
Tiredhungry · 03/12/2023 16:04

@SataumaMeddler i keep saying that to him.
he just says that’s true.

he hasn’t said he felt about my feelings, he just keeps saying he didn’t think he would get caught so hadn’t considered how I’d react.
he says it was a fling which went on too long but he lied to her too. Made her think it was more tha. It was too. Said he would never leave me (assume for the kids rather than me!) but did tell her he loved her, etc

OP posts:
UtterlyButterly2048 · 03/12/2023 16:16

I’m so sorry that you are going through this, but you are in the middle of it right now and it will get easier, with time. I’m sure that you are struggling with even the most basic things at the moment (putting the kettle on, having a shower etc) but all those things do come back. And, if you have a moment try to think about this…he did not do this to YOU, he did it to HIMSELF. He has exposed himself to be weak, flawed, selfish, entitled, an awful human being. It’s nothing to do with you, it’s him. I know it’s so hard, but really do try to internalise that. This is his shit, so hand it back to him. You cannot fix this or him. You can only focus on you. Do that. Put yourself front and centre in a way you never have before. Fuck him, you owe him nothing. If he is truly, truly remorseful, he will stay and help you through what will be the worst time of your adult life. If he’s not, then he’s not worth having. You don’t need to do anything other than focus on yourself, watch and see. And if you want to hoy him out and be done with him? Do that. All the decisions are yours now….embrace the power.

Original poster
Tiredhungry · 03/12/2023 16:19

@UtterlyButterly2048 thanks, that helps.

i am not a doormat in general but I needed that!

OP posts:
Barlow11 · 03/12/2023 16:32

OP a friend of my other half’s had an affair with a person from the office - his wife found out and ignored it completely. I believe she found irrefutable evidence- he admitted it- and it was never discussed again.

I find it distressing to watch her with him now. I keep thinking she will just snap one day- the pain must be incredible. As bad as your fog of feeling is now - you are brave to face it. Braver than your fool of a husband.

greyhairnomore · 03/12/2023 16:41

@Tiredhungry , he will do it again. If you stay together, he's got away with it.
You'll never be sure. I got an STD from my ex , so you might want to get checked.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Shiningout · 03/12/2023 16:43

I cheated on my husband op so coming at it from the other angle. Although I loved him so much and felt awful the truth was I cheated because I wasn't truly happy in the relationship and was seeking something I was missing. I made the decision to leave the relationship when I was caught as it pushed me into doing what should have been done before I even thought about cheating. I was sick with guilt and shame. People don't cheat for no reason - a one off drunken kiss may be a mistake but a nine month affair with them telling eachother they love them? Nope. This is way more than a mistake or a fling. Really feel for you op.

Swipe left for the next trending thread