Husband affair

[Tiredhungry]

Hi,

Looking for help/handhold.
Just found out about DH ongoing affair. I feel so heartbroken and in a complete fog. Can’t sleep or eat.
I wondered if anyone had any experience? How long will it take for me to stop crying and start to think about what to do.

He says he wants to stay (just sex, meant nothing), I just don’t know how i will make it to tomorrow, never mind move on from this (with or without him)

anyone stayed? What were the circumstances. I just want someone to tell me it will all be ok

@EyeInTheSky23 agree with most of what you’ve written, except that the cheating man in your scenario is the only one not being lied to. On the contrary, I think he is the one being lied to the most, by himself. That’s what the script IS, it’s lies people tell themselves to justify fucking awful behaviour. I think it’s a rare person involved in an affair who looks in the mirror and says “I am a lying, cheating shithead and what I am doing to my DH/DW is despicable and will cause long term, permanent damage” No. They use the script instead and create whatever lies they need to, to justify what they are doing. There was a thread recently with a husband who managed to justify shagging someone else because his wife has gained weight. The bit he was avoiding however was that that was because she’d given birth to 4 of his children! I’ve watched this shit play out for decades (I work solely with men and travel with them a lot) and most of them will never, ever admit to the lies they told themselves. They hang on to whatever they need to, so they do not have to admit that they are a shitty person. Those people will go on and do this again and again, because they have no ability or desire to self reflect. A few however, will really look at who they actually are and find themselves wanting. They drop the script and realise with great horror that the problem all along, was them, their selfishness, their entitlement, their ability to lie to everyone but mainly themselves. With a fuck ton of therapy, those people can change. It’s rare. But it does happen.

'Just sex' is a lie:

He had the thrill of doing it behind your back, playing you for a fool as well as the attraction for the other woman which would not just have been purely physical.

It's telling that the woman wants to have a future with him, that shows that he has had conversations with her about him leaving you.

He doesn't have any loyalty towards you. He doesn't want the aggro of splitting up and having to move out of his home, possibly to a flat or 'lesser' house due to finances etc.

Don't use the children as an excuse for allowing him to stay, they will notice his resentment of you and your distress no matter how much you both try and hide it.

You can't see it now but you really are better off without him.

The question is do you want to stay and give him a second chance?
Either way, leaving or staying it is going to be hard for you.
Now is time to think about you, you will need your self steem intact, your kindness for yourself, your resilience etc.

No one will blame you to try to stay and leave at the end, and no one will blame you to leave. You are not the one who fail.

I second @Susieb2023 - go to Surviving Infidelity for advice from people who have been through this, not from people who know exactly what they would hypothetically do, which is entirely useless.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this; it’s traumatic and takes a long time to recover from, whether you stay in the relationship or not.

Read chump lady book and website.
Make sure he has cut all contact.
Tried reconciliation but my ex wasn't being truthful so it eventually failed as he hasn't stopped contact. He's now with the AP. If he had been taking it seriously i now would have insisted on counselling and full transparency of phone, and would have been less afraid of pulling that trigger. Whatever boundaries you put in place you must keep them there and never let them go.
Only you can know if it is worth it. I'm glad me and my ex aren't together now, the affair was a symptom rather than cause of how bad our relationship had gotten, but it is a shame as we still get on so if he hasn't taken it that far we could have repaired.

It is okay if you don't want to work at this. It is hard. He is the one that gave up on your relationship by doing this. If you need space and a break you can do that, you can wait until after Christmas. Funnily enough, that is what my parents did, my dad left just after Christmas for affair partner. He was back by Easter.

Almost six years ago I was in this position. He had an affair with a colleague - emotional at first due to her being based in Canada - but it became physical when he went on a 'business trip'.

It was the worst time of my life, no question. Deciding what to do was tough, but I believe you have to do what's right no matter how painful it is. We'd been married 25 years, have two children, and a lifetime together - I've known him since we were both 19.

I decided to stay. It's not the easy option, not by a long shot, but it was the right choice for me. We have recently celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary and things have honestly never been better. Without his affair we would have fizzled away to nothing...our relationship wasn't great at the time. She happened to come along during this time and I firmly believe he would not have cheated if our relationship had been better.

Whatever you decide OP has to be your choice. People around you (and on here) will often knee-jerk and say LTB, and although this is often what happens there are many people who stay and work things through. You have to want it though - and more importantly, he has to want it.

Only you know what's right and I send you the strength to deal with this. Good luck.

So the married woman he has been shagging behind your back thinks she is in love with him & he told her he loved her ? So it looks like he has no respect for you OW or OW husband ? 🤔 he lies to suit his needs.

He can say anything and everything he wants to stay.
It will never change the fact that he was regularly having sex with another woman for 9 months.
You deserve so much better!!! He didn't give a shit about you or his kids when he did this.
I'd make it through Xmas for the kids then make a move to leave.
Sorry this is happening to you x

My person belief, through observing others is that those who stay together, the one who cheated still cheats but makes every effort to make sure they are never caught out again.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I found out my husband had been having what he insists was not a physical affair for 2 years when we had been married for 25. I couldn't leave it was financially impossible. He went to work abroad for 5 years so that solved the problem of having to live together. 12 years on from his affair and having been home for 4 years he thinks it's all forgotten but every single day for me is a struggle. I feel as if I don't know him we have nothing in common any more. He was my best friend or so I thought. He thinks that by being nice to me the past will be wiped out and if I bring it up he says it was years ago move on. Sex has been out of the question for many years. Firstly he wasn't interested he was very cold and would flinch if I touched him so that was that i stopped trying. Now he's decided he wants sex again and thinks I can just switch my feelings back on. We sleep in separate rooms and to be honest I dread him coming home from work. I'm retired and he works part time. I don't have an income of my own and to our grandchildren our house is their second home. it would break my heart for them to lose what they have here so I stay. Every time I look at him I see the text messages I found on his phone telling his AP that he loves her and saying goodnight. I know he's lying when he says it wasn't physical but after two years and all the declarations of undying love I found in his messages it has to have been. It's been 12 years of living a lie pretending to be happy and now I'm exhausted. Our grown up kids think their father is the best thing since sliced bread as he was always able to be the fun parent. My parents think the same even though they all know about this affair and another woman he was messaging prior to her. I'm expected to just suck it up. The thought of living the rest of my life like this is depressing I wish we had found a way to part ways earlier.

Your post is the reality for the majority of partners who have stayed together after their partner has an affair.

Everlasting sadness, presenting an image to family and friends whilst inside you die a little more each day.

Of course she does, a lot of women enter an affair to replace the queen, that is you. Be smart. Stay together financially till you clear your head, then stay together till he retires so you let kids grow up and get 1/2 his pension. Then you can decide what you want, but you will be comfortable now and then. Chances are he wants his kids and family. Don’t be swayed by little home wrecker’s longings. She’ll have to pine away whether you are interested in your husband or not. They are bullshit emotions they’ve had anyway.

You can also get out but it’s not worth hassling the kids really, there is not much talent out there when it comes to dating. Look after yourself and soon you will stop feeling like a victim of it all, because who knows why you’re staying. You have your reasons that are yours. Give your kids a chance. Men come and go and if he’s a good dad keep him to use for your purposes.

Oh and the depressing ptsd u r going through lasts up to the point you are feeling like a victim. About 3 yrs. Then it stops completely once you decide what you are doing. It’s fine to go through it makes you never want to go there again. It helps create new boundaries in your marriage too. It’s not all bad. But it does go away.

Keep focus of what you want for your children. The rest of it is just noise.

Ots much easier to console yourself then the be consoling kids because divorce gives them major ptsd, like emotions you are going through. Unless he’s a complete tossed and abusive, just be the grown up and look out for kids.