Husband affair

[Tiredhungry]

Hi,

Looking for help/handhold.
Just found out about DH ongoing affair. I feel so heartbroken and in a complete fog. Can’t sleep or eat.
I wondered if anyone had any experience? How long will it take for me to stop crying and start to think about what to do.

He says he wants to stay (just sex, meant nothing), I just don’t know how i will make it to tomorrow, never mind move on from this (with or without him)

anyone stayed? What were the circumstances. I just want someone to tell me it will all be ok

I grew up with parents who papered over the cracks of Dad's infidelity.

Please please don't inflict this onto your children. They aren't stupid, they will know that things aren't right. There is no such thing as "keeping the family together", all you're doing is prolonging the pain and it sure as hell won't be his.

Being unfaithful isn't an accident, it is a conscious and planned action. At which point, he's thinking of everything but the commitment he has to your family. Why on earth would you even give headspace to forgiving that level of betrayal?

@Tiredhungry . My friend a few years ago was you. Husband made all the right noises and moves and they tried again...for several, years. Then she cracked and said she couldn't do it any more. She just didn't trust him despite his admitted regret and real efforts. Admitted to me she had spent 3 years when there wasn't a day she didn't think about it.

He was gutted but they divorced at her insistence and her regret was she didn't do it on finding out the affair. She is now happily remarried and just regrets the lost years.

You need time to absorb and decide things but don't think your old life is there to continue with as it isn't...it has gone. It is whether you genuinely think you can build a new tomorrow with him and trust him. I wouldnt

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I have been there many times. You can maybe get passed a one night stand but a 9 month long affair is all about feelings not just sex.
She is not going to give up and to be honest he won't either. Get your paperwork in order, get as much cash as you can lay your hands on and hide it away. Stock the cupboards using his credit card.
You will get through this and you will hold your head high. Seperate on your terms not his. If you stay with him you will never know a moments peace again. You are strong and you deserve better.

OP, you need to read 'Leave a cheater, gain a life'. Even if you decide not to leave, it'll explain a lot and give you clarity. I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

Please for your own sake get onto surviving infidelity.

Affairs are NOT always a result of an ‘unhappy marriage’ particularly when men are the cheats, plenty of research out there to back that up. It’s victim blaming at its finest.

Reconciliation can and does work and there are plenty of us out there living happy fulfilled lives, trusting our partners (as much as we’ll ever trust again) and not displaying ‘bitter’ behaviours in front of the kids. Not that I’m saying reconcile but everyone deserves to follow a path that’s right for them!

These comments are exactly why I really think recently betrayed should bypass mumsnet and go straight to surviving infidelity.

I also second ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ stay or go it’s fantastic reading to put things into perspective.

So sorry you’ve found out what’s been happening. I’ve been there, 2 years ago I found out my husband (now ex husband) was having an affair with a colleague and it had been going on for 8 months. It would have continued except they got found out.

Read the books recommended by others on here and take it one day at a time. It is a very difficult place to be and line up a small supportive group around you. Get some legal advice as well and get paperwork in order, savings and bank account details etc.

I had a few weeks of thinking maybe we could make it work but he wasn’t interested and now I’m out the other side of it I’m so much better without someone who treats me like that. To be lied to for a long time by the person who you trust is so awful and you will go through many ups and downs. I didn’t think I would ever come out the other side but I have done and am a stronger person because of it. Look after yourself x

I am sorry you are in pain.

The thing is you having not thrown him out, or a similar shake up, means he really has no incentive to not do it again. It's been going on longer than 9 months so hardly a mistake. This is a planned and full blown affair. It also.sounea like he loves her to a certain extent, not nice to hear but is very unlikely he would say this to a fuck buddy.

You deserve better. Your kids deserve to see their mother hold high standards so they do not put up with the same shite you have.

I would think about asking him to leave and to get the kids at the weekend to give you a break.

Good luck

@Tiredhungry, your devastation is palpable. I’m sorry that your H has harmed you and your children.

It can take 2-5 years to recover from infidelity, and that is when the cheater is fully truthful and remorseful, and examines his destructive flaws (via IC, infidelity readings/websites, etc.) that enabled his choices to lie, cheat, and pursue illicit ego validation.

Your H is still in wayward mode and taking you for a fool by insisting that his adultery involved ‘just sex’ and no emotions. The truth is he was fully invested in this OW, so much so that he was willing to steal your agency and risk your health for 9+ months, and would still be doing so. And of course if they became friends in early 2022, there would have been a progression from flirtation to emotional affair to physical affair.

His continued dishonesty is evidence that you are in a false reconciliation. You would be very foolish to believe he is a safe partner.

@Tiredhungry, I hope you have confided in trusted family and friends who are surrounding you with support. Consider seeking IC as you move through the grieving process and make your decisions.

He says he wants to stay

Of course he wants to stay and keep his nice easy life with a wife at home, a warm bed and his kids, who his wife mostly deals with.

(just sex, meant nothing)

That means he threw your marriage away and betrayed you for nothing except an easy shag he didn't have to pay for. How wonderful. He's also saying this other woman meant nothing, either. Like a blow up doll, I suppose.

he hasn’t said he felt about my feelings, he just keeps saying he didn’t think he would get caught so hadn’t considered how I’d react.

If this doesn't make you leave him, I don't think anything will. Fuck me, he doesn't give a single fuck about anyone besides himself, does he? He'd still be cheating with her if he hadn't got caught, by his own admission, and I bet he will cheat again.

I'm so very sorry this happened, op, but my marriage would be over if I were you. Who this man really is has been laid bare for the world to see.

He's shit and you deserve better.

@Shiningout
This was me too. I left my relationship before getting caught, but my affair made me realise that the things that were keeping me in my marriage (kids, security, fear of being alone... ) were not the right reasons for staying in a marriage. I figured that I would never have done what I did if I loved my H as he deserved to be loved. He needed someone to love him for himself and not a cheating wife who was staying for an easy life. I loved him, but not enough. My affair partner admitted to me pretty much the same thing (wouldn't have cheated if he loved her as he should) but still stayed with her because of his child. He hasn't cut contact with me (I have now blocked him) we still work together and he still tells me pretty intimate things that he shouldn't. His gf thinks that they are reconciled and well on the road to recovery and TBH so does he - at the same time as telling me that it will never be what it was with me (whether that's true or not he should still not be saying it to me) . I find it appalling that he continues to treat her like that, I can't tell her but want her to know as she's setting herself up for more heartbreak. He will cheat on her again.

Couldn't do it. Seen it done and it either doesn't last long term because the cheated on spouse can't forget, or it's just miserable because the cheated on spouse can't forget. Because how could you forget? I wouldn't be able to. My husband would be out the door, kids or no kids.

Whether it was "just sex" or not, it's still a massive betrayal.

In my experience, they cross a line and they will do it again. And again. Until you say enough and good bye.

You will never have peace of mind again if you stay with him.

@Tiredhungry, I also meant to echo @Susieb2023‘s excellent suggestion to check out survivinginfidelity. The resources and advice there would be a godsend for you.

I couldn’t come back from this, but if you are determined to stay, I would reconsider sending him away for now. He trashed your marriage and family, and is still lying, yet is sitting pretty in the comfort of home. There continues to be a huge imbalance of power in your relationship. He needs to experience an effective consequence and to feel the loss of you.

Thanks so much for everyone’s responses.
I have read them all and absorbing.
Some of the stuff makes me feel sick at the thought whilst acknowledging it could be true.

I haven’t decided how to deal with this yet.
I am trying to concentrate on the immediate crisis or not being able to function properly before any decisions about how to attack what our relationship is going to do. That will come second.

Some of what I’m thinking about I daren’t write on here for fear of being absolutely ripped apart.
Believe me when I say that although he hasn’t left the home yet, this is still an option for me. I just need some time to ponder the best thing for me and the kids.

I also realise that I need to be happy going forward - not just ‘together for the kids’ but in a meaningful loving relationship that is healthy for the kids to witness (or single).
I also realise that everyone does deserve to be happy, including me. I want that. So if by staying I am unhappy, I will end it.
I am not a walkover

@Tiredhungry Very noce thoughts.
i think this has come as a shock tonyou amd you need time to process. Let the dust settle down a bit and I m sure you are going to make the right decision.

Can someone explain to me why almost all cheaters beg heir spouse to keep them when they got caught? Why did you do it in the first place?

A quote from a movie I watched recently. "A man who cheats doesn't respect his wife. He just steals her time..."
Love isn't, and should never be, enough to remain in an unequal or unhappy relationship. Respect and trust are fundamental elements.
If you wouldn't also cheat, to deal with issues in your relationship, you are incompatible with your husband.
I hope you do what is best for you OP.

he just keeps saying he didn’t think he would get caught so hadn’t considered how I’d react

While I think it's probably a human trait to believe you'll not get caught doing something; I do think that thinking it to quite an extreme, with a real lack of risk awareness/caution/fear - is often a sign of a personality disorder.

I have a relative with a personality disorder (NPD) and they gave an exceptional inability to assess or predict risk and act accordingly.

Do you think he has any other signs of a personality disorder? There's lots of information on narcissistic and sociopathic personality disorders online.

If you're recognising traits, further investing your life in someone like him may be foolhardy.

Anyway, the bottom line I'd take from his statement is that he doesn't have the integrity or loyalty or decency or empathy to not cheat on you; his main or only consideration was whether he'd get caught and he reckoned not, so he went ahead.

They want a bit of extra or different on the side and think they won't get caught.

Flirtation and sex with someone new/different is very exciting & novel.

They want validation and gratification and "can't" deny themselves it.
Again, they think they won't get caught.

Even if they think they might get caught; they think (in many cases correctly) that there'll be a bit of inconvenient drama and unpleasantness but that wifey - due to kids, finances and investment - is going nowhere, and it'll be let go/gotten over sooner or later.

In most cases their intention was not to end the marriage.

(If they did,) they'd just end up with another wifey - not any more exciting after a few years - and less money, their kids disrupted, probably a blended family, parents probably not happy with them etc etc so why change.

You have to understand how some men view women and relationships before you understand how they cheat without actually wanting to end their marriage/partnership. It's a very different perspective from most women.

Cheating men have a script for the OW - who'd usually never have sex with them without believing they're unhappy and will leave at some point (the very fact they're having an affair makes the ow think they couldn't be happy or settled; that's female thinking though) and they have a script for wifey when caught - only person not being lied to in the trio is the cheating man.

Sorry, I forgot to add that - even in the cases where a cheater may be inclined to leave .... You will find them begging to stay (if they are discovered cheating and have not yet decided to leave or set up and executed a plan to leave) and the reason for that is that the cheater wants to retain control and options.

They don't want options being taken away from them ... Until they have decided if they want them any more. They will be making any decisions to leave, if and when it suits them; not their spouse. They will not be being rejected, thrown out, discarded etc. They'll fight quite hard to get the status quo back ... So they can then make their decisions from a position of power and security.

(Quite often this is accompanied by genuine confusion and indecisiveness too - as they consider their bond with their new partner Vs their bond/history/ties with their "old" partner).

Mostly they don't love their spouse but don't want the financial hit of divorce and shared custody. Bottom line. If it weren't for money they'd be gone like a flash.

I’m so sorry OP. I’ve been there and it was an utterly horrific period of my life but an experience that made me stronger and ultimately happier.

I filed for divorce right away, there was no way I could forgive the betrayal. It was bloody tough for the first 5 years, especially as I’d just given birth to our baby. It has given me a second chance at having a fantastic life that I could never have experienced with him after what he did.

The script is very accurate, like a philanderer’s handbook that they all follow.

You don’t need to make any decisions now. Just take each hour and day at a time. Put yourself first. You’ve received some wonderful advice and differing opinions.

he hasn’t said he felt about my feelings, he just keeps saying he didn’t think he would get caught so hadn’t considered how I’d react.

So this arrogant, greedy, self-serving man never even considered how he was humiliating you or how his double life would devastate you. He also blew off your trust, sexual consent, and sexual health. You believed you were living and being intimate with a monogamous man, but he had unilaterally changed the marital parameters and opened up the relationship for himself, investing in building an intimate relationship with OW sometime in 2022. His agenda was keeping you blind and unsuspecting while he smiled and played the faithful husband and family man. He is capable of so much devious deception, and has left a trail of devastation for two women in his wake.

I wouldn’t put my future in his hands. Not only is he a very bad bet for reconciliation, he is a very poor role model for the children.