Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU Told DP I won't let him move in with me until he's divorced?

66 replies

Deargodletitgo · 01/12/2023 11:45

Been together two years, I'm divorced, he's still married. He pays mortgage on large family home he no longer lives in where his ex and children live, and rent for a small flat. Separated four years ago, but ex does not work and lives on benefits, so for this reason it's been easier for her to not go through a divorce as she would be financially impacted. The current situation means her lifestyle isn't impacted , but he's paying for two properties.

We have spoken about moving in together, in a couple of years (my mortgage rate ends end of 2025 so may consider pooling funds and buying together, or at least him moving in and contributing to my mortgage).

He wants to sell the family home, buy a small house for her and release equity to buy either with me or alone. She doesn't want this. She thinks instead we should move in together now so he saves money and her lifestyle remains the same. I think she should actually get a job.

Neither of us want to be pressured into anything by her, but I've now also made it clear I won't buy or move in with him until he gets divorced and sorts all this out.

I'm not unreasonable am I?

OP posts:

pippinsleftleg · 01/12/2023 11:56

YANBU. She’s just some random woman to you and doesn’t get to dictate your financial decisions.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 01/12/2023 11:56

Nope totally not unreasonable

He needs to get divorced and sort the finances ASAP...or I would consider leaving him

AnotherEmma · 01/12/2023 11:56

YABVU to say that his ex needs to get a job - she might do but it's absolutely none of your business (or his).

YANBU to say that you don't want him to move in with you until he's divorced. You can't force him to move forward with the divorce but you can set your own boundaries.

He and his ex will each need to seek legal advice and then try family mediation to reach a resolution regarding the marital home and financial settlement. He must be a high earner if he's paying the mortgage plus rent. Presumably there's a pension too. But you really shouldn't get involved.

altmember · 01/12/2023 11:57

You're right not to get financially linked (joint mortgage) to him until after his divorce is settled. Don't see the issue with him lodging with you as long as he pays his share.

Him currently paying for two properties shows the court he has the financial means to do so, so good chance his ex will get to keep the big house. It is his children's home too. I don't think either of you should count on her being forced to downsize.

cooroocoocoo · 01/12/2023 11:58

YANBU.

Keep financials clean/separate.

Also once your DP has moved in, the ex will argue your cash must come into the balance when working out maintenance etc. SO many threads on MN about this.

Original poster

Deargodletitgo · 01/12/2023 11:59

No, I'm not getting involved, but as I have done with other aspects regarding his relationship with her, I have put my own boundaries in place.

OP posts:

CurlewKate · 01/12/2023 12:00

You are not being unreasonable.

Also-don't get pregnant.

Knittedfairies2 · 01/12/2023 12:01

I think you're absolutely right OP. His finances/divorce need to be completely settled before you take the next step.

Original poster

Deargodletitgo · 01/12/2023 12:01

cooroocoocoo · 01/12/2023 11:58

YANBU.

Keep financials clean/separate.

Also once your DP has moved in, the ex will argue your cash must come into the balance when working out maintenance etc. SO many threads on MN about this.

Yes, I've already mentioned this to him. I also have a good salary and lots of equity so don't want that to come into any negotiations regarding his divorce

OP posts:

Original poster

Deargodletitgo · 01/12/2023 12:01

CurlewKate · 01/12/2023 12:00

You are not being unreasonable.

Also-don't get pregnant.

At my age that would take a miracle 🤣

OP posts:

Bananawotsit · 01/12/2023 12:02

Do not let him move in and contribute to your mortgage as then he’ll be entitled to some or half of you split and you could lose your house.
their financial situation needs to be legally done and dusted before you even consider sharing finances in any way.

He needs to start divorce proceedings whether his wife wants it or not but as pp said it’s none of your business - it’s down to him and the courts what his ex ends up with.
As long as he does the best for her and his kids and doesn’t try to wrestle his way out of paying them what he should.
Set your own boundary and stick to it.

Pumpkinpie1 · 01/12/2023 12:02

You’ve got your head screwed on OP - as my Gran would say !
He needs to stop messing about and get the legalities and financial details of his divorce sorted.
Why won’t he ?
I would be wary about pooling resources from your house and make sure your financial contribution to any shared home is ringfenced .
Stay firm

tescocreditcard · 01/12/2023 12:02

Yanbu

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 12:04

I would never live with a man who was still legally married with financial entanglements. Not happening.

CurlewKate · 01/12/2023 12:05

@Deargodletitgo "At my age that would take a miracle"

Sorry! I'm just so used to feeling my old crone heart sink......

RunLyraRun · 01/12/2023 12:08

Why hasn't he commenced divorce proceedings before now? Especially now we have no fault divorce, what's the impediment? You WB massively U to link yourself with him financially before this was resolved. (I'm in a very similar position to you, FWIW!)

cooroocoocoo · 01/12/2023 12:08

Sounds like you have good boundaries in place. Stick by them, they are there for a reason.

caringcarer · 01/12/2023 12:09

Knittedfairies2 · 01/12/2023 12:01

I think you're absolutely right OP. His finances/divorce need to be completely settled before you take the next step.

You are absolutely right. Your DP needs to sort out his divorce, including financial arrangements. Once he's done that you can move forward together. Don't get pregnant.

FloweryName · 01/12/2023 12:11

YANBU to stick to your boundaries, as long as you aren’t using them to try and influence someone else’s divorce.

What the ex does is none of your business and it’s not your place to judge.

Original poster

Deargodletitgo · 01/12/2023 12:14

I've taken the position that she can do what she likes, as can he ...

But I have the right to make decisions for myself on the basis of this.

So when I felt her communication with him made me feel uncomfortable for example, I expressed this. How he responded to my feedback was up to him. He set new boundaries in place with her, and while she complained, he stood firm.

So similarly I won't push for him to divorce, but will make my own decisions.

OP posts:

ToWonderWhyIBother · 01/12/2023 12:14

Do not let your other half move in with you until he has divorced and had the financials done and signed off. Your income and expenditure can be taken into consideration, which I personally find appalling.

I was in this position when my other half moved in with me, prior to his divorce but fortunately his ex didn't realise that otherwise we could have been taken to the cleaners.

gamerchick · 01/12/2023 12:17

So nice to read a sensible OP for a change on here. Keep it up.

SpringleDingle · 01/12/2023 12:18

100% don’t move in with him until he is divorced.

TryAgainWithFeeling · 01/12/2023 12:21

You sound very sensible OP! I like your approach - clear boundaries as to what you will/won’t do/feel, decisions about what they do are up to them.

AutumnFroglets · 01/12/2023 12:25

Two years is not long enough together to get so financially meshed regarding houses anyway. But even if it was a ten year relationship you should not consider it until he is divorced and the consent order signed. Even if she agrees to sell the house they might be arguing over who gets what percentage for the next five years. It happens.

Flip

1 2 3