AIBU Told DP I won't let him move in with me until he's divorced?

[Deargodletitgo]

Been together two years, I'm divorced, he's still married. He pays mortgage on large family home he no longer lives in where his ex and children live, and rent for a small flat. Separated four years ago, but ex does not work and lives on benefits, so for this reason it's been easier for her to not go through a divorce as she would be financially impacted. The current situation means her lifestyle isn't impacted , but he's paying for two properties.

We have spoken about moving in together, in a couple of years (my mortgage rate ends end of 2025 so may consider pooling funds and buying together, or at least him moving in and contributing to my mortgage).

He wants to sell the family home, buy a small house for her and release equity to buy either with me or alone. She doesn't want this. She thinks instead we should move in together now so he saves money and her lifestyle remains the same. I think she should actually get a job.

Neither of us want to be pressured into anything by her, but I've now also made it clear I won't buy or move in with him until he gets divorced and sorts all this out.

I'm not unreasonable am I?

I own my own house and wouldn't give up that security for anything. If you're too old to have more children then I wouldn't dream of getting a house with someone else, OP. Everything becomes more difficult.

Why doesn't she work? How old are the children?

If/when you buy a place together you register as tenants in common and have a deed of trust drawn up to specify the proportions of equity etc. It's quite straightforward and any decent conveyancer will knock it together for you. Doesn't just have to be a fixed percentage - it can define things your deposit being protected while he has a variable gain of equity in respect of paying the mortgage etc. Can also specify what happens in the event that you separate too.

The most important thing is that he gets a clean break financial settlement and you don't get financially linked to him before then.

This might get a bit more complicated if she doesn’t have a job or pension. He might have to agree to a much lower amount of equity from the house to keep his pension. Would you still be willing to buy with him if his share of the deposit was significantly lower than the amount you have to put in?

He isn't doing right by his dc letting them think adults don't need jobs they can just sponge off other people...

You’re absolutely right. I’d slow things down until he’s divorced. He might be getting frustrated but it’s taken long enough and you’ve already had to tell him their communication made you uncomfortable.

He’s enmeshed with her, it’s not just about their kids though people often say that, he’s in a weird position of feeling responsible for her in a way that goes beyond what’s normal for an ex.

I wouldn’t force him to sell the the house simply because it’s his kids house too (depending on their ages of course and whether or not they still live there) but I fully agree I wouldnt be entering anything financial until he is divorced and a financial order is in place so she can’t come after anything later on in life money wise.

I think it’s hilarious the ex is trying to dictate your living arrangements. The entitlement is strong with that one. That’s even before you get to the fact she doesn’t work

Dont live together or get financially interlinked with him anytime soon

How old are his children, if he's been waiting til they are grown up, how much longer would that be?
Also I think you are absolutely right to not move in together til he is divorced.

Unreasonable, no.

You sound quite sensible, so stay firm.

You sound very sensible.

I didn’t think you could have school aged children and just decide not to work and claim benefits though?

As far as I am aware and it’s a while since I helped people claim benefits you can only be excluded from looking for work if you have very young children or, you care for someone sick or disabled.

@AnotherEmma I'm also confused by the benefits part. Assuming she doesn't get any housing benefit as she's not renting.....it will be universal credit child benefit and whatever maintenance she's getting. Actually maintenance and her accommodation costs are paid arnt they.
I'm not surprised she doesn't want to move on with the divorce because her assessed spousal maintenance or just maintenance may not be so favourable!

I wouldn’t buy a house with my now DH until he was divorced, if anything had happened to him she would have been entitled to his share. They had been split for 4 years by the time we got together and it was time for the divorce to happen.

Yanbu, stick to your guns

They want to use you to fund their "separate but married" lifestyle.

Rehousing is one of the major things Court will look at when distributing assets. He really does need a financial settlement in place before you can consider any form of co-habitation.