Page 2 | AIBU Told DP I won't let him move in with me until he's divorced?

Deargodletitgo · 2023-12-01T11:45:51+00:00

Been together two years, I'm divorced, he's still married. He pays mortgage on large family home he no longer lives in where his ex and children live, and rent for a small flat. Separated four years ago, but ex does not work and lives on benefits, so for this reason it's been easier for her to not go through a divorce as she would be financially impacted. The current situation means her lifestyle isn't impacted , but he's paying for two properties. We have spoken about moving in together, in a couple of years (my mortgage rate ends end of 2025 so may consider pooling funds and buying together, or at least him moving in and contributing to my mortgage). He wants to sell the family home, buy a small house for her and release equity to buy either with me or alone. She doesn't want this. She thinks instead we should move in together now so he saves money and her lifestyle remains the same. I think she should actually get a job. Neither of us want to be pressured into anything by her, but I've now also made it clear I won't buy or move in with him until he gets divorced and sorts all this out. I'm not unreasonable am I?

ThankYoufortheDay · 01/12/2023 12:28

I agree. The divorce and financials need to be completely settled. It sounds like it will be a messy divorce (that’s obviously why he is putting it off) but let him get on with it. If they separated four years ago, it was daft of him not to start proceedings then.

alwaysbreaks · 01/12/2023 12:30

I know someone that let her partner move in with her before he sorted financial/divorce aspect out and 10-12 years on, he's still not divorced, still paying the mortgage on ex's house. Do not do it. He needs to divorce and they have been separated long enough for this to happen without her approval.

If a man doesn't want that divorce paper, I'd be thinking he doesn't really want to get divorced and is hoping to go back. It's disrespectful to you to be paying for another woman's housing situation.

Positivelypatient · 01/12/2023 12:33

YANBU, very sensible to stay living apart until he gets divorced. If you allowed him to move in before that, where's the incentive for him to get it sorted?

Muddybooties · 01/12/2023 12:53

@Deargodletitgo 👏👏👏

(having only read the subject line)

JoanMacIntosh · 01/12/2023 12:57

In your shoes I’d want him divorced and with a financial order in place before I bought property with him.

Historybooks · 01/12/2023 12:57

Deargodletitgo · 01/12/2023 12:01

At my age that would take a miracle 🤣

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I see another one of those, am I really pregnant at this age threads coming on 🙈

Historybooks · 01/12/2023 12:58

Sorry probably not the time for jokes. I wouldn't pool resources until after the divorce either - sounds complicated.

Muddybooties · 01/12/2023 13:00

Deargodletitgo · 01/12/2023 12:01

Yes, I've already mentioned this to him. I also have a good salary and lots of equity so don't want that to come into any negotiations regarding his divorce

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@Deargodletitgo

Actually, even after the divorce is through she can request a reassessment of maintenance based on his changed circumstances of living with you…

So I would keep your living circumstances and finances entirely separate until the kids are grown.

Seek legal advice (both of you) and make sure the divorce is sewn up so she can’t come back for more - or that you know what rights she has to ask for reassessment.

The fact that he has continued to fund her in the marital home bodes badly, he should have said no way from the beginning and forced through that it be sold. Now she will argue that he can, and should, continue to fund it and pay her spousal maintenance.

workshy46 · 01/12/2023 13:04

You would be insane to let him move in.. divorced yes but even then not rent free. He should have to pay towards accommodation costs assuming buying together isn't happening
If he doesn't pay rent/board to you , you are effectively subsidizing her for him

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 01/12/2023 13:05

It's not that she could come after you during the financial settlement but that the courts would look at needs and if he's living with you it changes his needs to be housed so would mean she would be awarded more in the divorce. That then has a negative impact when the two of you are ready to buy.

Original poster

Deargodletitgo · 01/12/2023 13:29

workshy46 · 01/12/2023 13:04

You would be insane to let him move in.. divorced yes but even then not rent free. He should have to pay towards accommodation costs assuming buying together isn't happening
If he doesn't pay rent/board to you , you are effectively subsidizing her for him

He's already said he'd pay my mortgage as a contribution. If we buy together down the line the issue would be id be putting in at least four times as much equity as him, but he said he'd pay the mortgage. I'd get legal advice on how to protect my investment for kids to inherit and how it would be split proportionally.

OP posts:

Original poster

Deargodletitgo · 01/12/2023 13:33

Muddybooties · 01/12/2023 13:00

@Deargodletitgo

Actually, even after the divorce is through she can request a reassessment of maintenance based on his changed circumstances of living with you…

So I would keep your living circumstances and finances entirely separate until the kids are grown.

Seek legal advice (both of you) and make sure the divorce is sewn up so she can’t come back for more - or that you know what rights she has to ask for reassessment.

The fact that he has continued to fund her in the marital home bodes badly, he should have said no way from the beginning and forced through that it be sold. Now she will argue that he can, and should, continue to fund it and pay her spousal maintenance.

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He has been trying to do the decent thing as if they divorced and split the equity in the house she wouldn't be able to afford to buy anything with no income and a small deposit. Him buying her a smaller house, and taking some of the equity out of the sale of the current house would give her a property, and him a deposit. She is refusing to think about selling current house despite the fact it leaves him in limbo financially. He is getting to the point of frustration, even though he wants to do the right thing by his kids.

OP posts:

Koalatreats · 01/12/2023 13:39

I wouldn’t move in or buy with him (unless you can keep your own place too). If your relationship goes wrong and house prices have risen there may not be enough equity for you to separate and buy something similar to what you have now. As you will be older your mortgage term would have to be shorter - reducing your borrowing capacity.

At the moment you are independent, with a good asset and a safe roof over you head. Insane to jeopardise this for a man. I’d live apart and have fun with him but nope wouldn’t want his dirty pants in my laundry basket or any risk to my security in retirement.

CornishGem1975 · 01/12/2023 13:49

Actually, even after the divorce is through she can request a reassessment of maintenance based on his changed circumstances of living with you…

As maintenance through CMS is only based on the parents income that is not correct. I mean, she can request, but the new partner's income is not taken into account. Unless the OP is stashing gold bullions and they get married, there's nothing to reassess.

https://www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out/ask-other-income-expenses-included

MilkChocolateCookie · 01/12/2023 13:52

You sound very sensible OP.

Epidote · 01/12/2023 14:18

No, you are not unreasonable. Seems like there is equity enough to have a house for her and the kid and some money on the side.
They kid is at least 4, and in school, she can find some part time work and he still contribute a bit more than the minimum to ease his child/s lifestyle.

AutumnFroglets · 01/12/2023 15:05

He's already said he'd pay my mortgage as a contribution.

HELL NO OP!!!!

If he pays your mortgage he gets rights regarding your house. He pays towards the bills and rent. Make it absolutely clear that it is rent, therefore he is a lodger and easily evicted. If he can prove he's paid your mortgage then it's harder to disentangle if it goes wrong or you wanting to leave the house to your children.

Get legal advice before you get screwed.

category12 · 01/12/2023 17:22

Deargodletitgo · 01/12/2023 13:29

He's already said he'd pay my mortgage as a contribution. If we buy together down the line the issue would be id be putting in at least four times as much equity as him, but he said he'd pay the mortgage. I'd get legal advice on how to protect my investment for kids to inherit and how it would be split proportionally.

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I don't think you should let him pay the mortgage - it might open the door for some claim on your property. He shouldn't pay the mortgage or for home renovations if you want to protect your own interests (and your children's inheritance). Get legal advice before he moves in.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 01/12/2023 17:25

Deargodletitgo · 01/12/2023 13:33

He has been trying to do the decent thing as if they divorced and split the equity in the house she wouldn't be able to afford to buy anything with no income and a small deposit. Him buying her a smaller house, and taking some of the equity out of the sale of the current house would give her a property, and him a deposit. She is refusing to think about selling current house despite the fact it leaves him in limbo financially. He is getting to the point of frustration, even though he wants to do the right thing by his kids.

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Well he needs to pull his finger out and get divorced then!! It's not going to be quick - the longer he leaves it the longer it will take

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 01/12/2023 17:26

Deargodletitgo · 01/12/2023 13:29

He's already said he'd pay my mortgage as a contribution. If we buy together down the line the issue would be id be putting in at least four times as much equity as him, but he said he'd pay the mortgage. I'd get legal advice on how to protect my investment for kids to inherit and how it would be split proportionally.

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You should pay your own mortgage until you legally buy together then you have a clean start. He should pay half of bills and use the opportunity to save towards his contribution to the property you buy together but you shouldn't let him pay your mortgage before then!

Lookingatthesunset · 01/12/2023 17:44

AutumnFroglets · 01/12/2023 15:05

He's already said he'd pay my mortgage as a contribution.

HELL NO OP!!!!

If he pays your mortgage he gets rights regarding your house. He pays towards the bills and rent. Make it absolutely clear that it is rent, therefore he is a lodger and easily evicted. If he can prove he's paid your mortgage then it's harder to disentangle if it goes wrong or you wanting to leave the house to your children.

Get legal advice before you get screwed.

I think the OP means when they get to the point of buying a house together, not her current house?

I think you have your head well screwed on @Deargodletitgo!

Original poster

Deargodletitgo · 01/12/2023 17:58

If he moved into my current house it would be very much a contribution to bills, he'd clearly have no claim

If we buy together, I have the equity, he's got the annual salary so we'd have to come to some arrangement, with the advice of solicitors. Not sure it would make sense to marry either

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 01/12/2023 18:22

YANBU

He needs to file for divorce.

mathanxiety · 01/12/2023 18:25

AutumnFroglets · 01/12/2023 15:05

He's already said he'd pay my mortgage as a contribution.

HELL NO OP!!!!

If he pays your mortgage he gets rights regarding your house. He pays towards the bills and rent. Make it absolutely clear that it is rent, therefore he is a lodger and easily evicted. If he can prove he's paid your mortgage then it's harder to disentangle if it goes wrong or you wanting to leave the house to your children.

Get legal advice before you get screwed.

This

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/12/2023 18:49

Not at all
you are right