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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“It’s my house”

57 replies

Meaning74 · 01/12/2023 09:10

I have some time between jobs at the moment and asked dp if he would consider us / me fostering a kitten or puppy. He loves pets but said no.

for context we have been living almost exclusively in my (rented, for which I paid all the rent and bills) flat for the last 6 months and will shortly be living in his. I have always made him feel welcome and never pulled the whole “it’s my flat” line.

when he said no to the pets, I asked why and he replied “well, it’s my flat isn’t it” obviously meaning that’s why he gets final say. It’s made me nervous about moving into his, I’m not sure I really want to now. I don’t like that he still very much sees it as only his.

OP posts:
Quickquestion10 · 01/12/2023 09:12

It's worrying. I wouldn't go.

LittleGreenDragons · 01/12/2023 09:14

he replied “well, it’s my flat isn’t it”

I wouldn't be moving in and losing my independence. This kind of thinking usually signifies other kinds of set thinking such as it's your job to clean, or tidy, or do the laundry, or clean skimmers off the toilet, or pick his towels up.

EDIT - Hang on...why hasn't he paid half the bills??

something2say · 01/12/2023 09:14

Ah it's difficult isn't it? I totally get you.

I did this with a guy, moved him in, and I said many times 'I want you to feel it is YOUR home too, not mine just because I own it' and what then happened was that he told his aunt that his 15yr old niece could come and stay in the spare room for weeks on end while he worked from 7am till 9pm. He didn't even ask me.

So I have been on both ends of the dilemma, and I would feel awkward asking for what I want in someone else's house and I didn't like what he asked me to do in my own house.

The secret they say is to get YOUR house, not yours, not his, but both of yours. Is that a possibility?

bombastix · 01/12/2023 09:17

This would be an example of

What yours is mine, and what is mine remains mine

Do not do this unless you are happy with the above statement

LadyBird1973 · 01/12/2023 09:19

Even in a shared house, you could still have the problem of one person moving in their niece without any consultation - if you've gotten involved with a piss taker, whose name is on the deeds is almost immaterial!

OP, this is a red flag - you'll be giving up all your rights and housing security, for a man who is making it clear that he isn't going to see you as having an equal say in what goes on in that home. I wouldn't move in.

ManchesterGirl2 · 01/12/2023 09:21

This would ring alarm bells, and i'd want a serious conversation about it.

What have you agreed financially about the move? If he is remaining solely responsible for maintenance costs etc I can kind of see his point, and maybe there's a discussion to be had about how to deal with wear and tear from the foster pets. But i'd not want to move into somewhere where i had less than equal control over decisions.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 01/12/2023 09:21

I wouldn't live with anyone on any terms in which they always get the final say..A good relationship has to involve compromise and ways of negotiating compromise if you can't agree. It's so interesting that you backed down when he said no, and let him be the final decision maker, although currently you are in your flat, aren't you?

TicTacNicNak · 01/12/2023 09:23

I'd be wary. Will he be letting you have any input on decorating or furnishings or will he always choose?

Will he expect you to pay half of bills at his?

I do hope you're not giving up your own flat immediately, as you need to be sure this will work.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/12/2023 09:23

Please explain situation with the flats a bit?

Topseyt123 · 01/12/2023 09:28

Call a halt to the move now.

Keep your independence here and get your pets (assuming they are allowed under the terms of your lease).

Why hasn't this man paid any contributions towards bills etc.?

Brefugee · 01/12/2023 09:29

another vote for: don't move in with him

HippeePrincess · 01/12/2023 09:33

Yeah this is awful, my dp moved into my owned house and lived there with me for 4 years with only contributing to bills before we were able to move. Not once did I pull the “it’s my house” card.
id leave the relationship in all honesty.

Original poster
Meaning74 · 01/12/2023 09:46

Basically he asked me to move in with him and I wanted to be in my current city so refuse. We came to a compromise where he would pay his mortgage and bills and I’d pay for mine. In reality we ended up living more at mine.

now we’ve come to the point where I want to give my place up (for financial and practical reasons) and we’ll move to his. He’ll pay for his bills and mortgage and I’ll pay for shared groceries. Win win. I’m just annoyed he has pulled the “it’s my flat” comment.

OP posts:
Springcleaninginsummer · 01/12/2023 10:03

It's not a win for you. He could put you out on the street. How well do you know this man?

Original poster
Meaning74 · 01/12/2023 10:06

We’ve been together almost 2 years so very well (I thought)

OP posts:
Brefugee · 01/12/2023 10:09

that would be a silly move, IMO, OP. How about you keep yours and rent it out?

LittleGreenDragons · 01/12/2023 10:10

Are you 100% certain he won't expect you to pay your share of the electric and council? I can't see that lasting very long tbh.

Who does the cleaning in your flat, who does the laundry, the cooking, the food shop, the dishes? Is it 50/50?

BrimfulOfMash · 01/12/2023 10:14

Tbh the planned financial arrangement in his flat sounds far more beneficial for you, if he pays bills, mortgage, loses his single CT discount etc.

In any event I think that a casting vote to have a pet in the household comes down to the person who doesn’t want one. I wouldn’t want a cat or a dog in a shared rented place or my home. Obviously if a partner already has a pet then it stays… but will affect the decision by the other half to move in or not.

Did he mean “I do not want a kitten or dog in our home” or was it definitely a ‘my house my rules’ response? I assume so because it set your instincts jangling, but just checking.

betterangels · 01/12/2023 10:16

I don't see the win here either. You'll be living on the mercy of this guy, who's already said "it's my house". Make sure you have money if he decides one day to not share his house with you anymore.

Pinkbonbon · 01/12/2023 10:23

If he was living more at yours he should at least have been paying you for electricity and food.

Be absolutely certain on who's paying what at the next place before giving up your flat.
Be sure you've a place to go family wise or something if it doesn't work out.

I do think it's silly to be thinking about a pet right now though. You've a move coming up that will be stressful as is. Maybe a few months after moving in you could revisit thr topic.

I certainly wouldn't want a puppy in my home personally though. I mean it is his house if he pays the mortgage. You might live together but technically it remains his house. As this current one is yours, not ours, as he contributes nothing to it's upkeep.

Bringbackspring · 01/12/2023 10:24

I wouldn't move in. I have moved from rented into a (now ex) partners owned flat before. They charged me very little even though I offered to pay more, so it was a good move financially. However, while they say it's your home, I never really got a say in anything. He reorganised all my toiletries to how he wanted them kept. I couldn't even get a small dining table (there was nowhere to eat other than on laps). I wouldn't do it again. Also, if you break up (as we did), by default you are the one who has to move out. You have no rights. You'll be putting yourself in quite a precarious position by doing this yet he'll be totally secure.

FloofCloud · 01/12/2023 10:26

In all honesty, I'd be selling every property owned and buy a joint property you both feel you have the same ownership over.

TheHawkisHowling · 01/12/2023 10:28

Sorry, OP I agree with other PP. Balls would I be moving in! This sounds like the thin end of the wedge in terms of how he sees his place - especially if you are only paying for groceries.

Topseyt123 · 01/12/2023 10:28

I don't see the "win win" you are talking about.

You didn't originally want to leave the city you are in, so what has suddenly changed?

He has already said you can't have the pets you want in "his" house. That will just be the start and whilst I certainly do understand some people not wanting pets in their homes (destruction etc.), this could just be a start on a long list of your ideas that he will refuse to countenance because the place is HIS.

Stay put and keep your independence. You have admitted that this has rung a warning bell for you. There is a reason for that.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/12/2023 10:34

Two years in and you are seeing his real colours. What you do about this is up to you, but for me, there are red flags all over him.

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