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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“It’s my house”

57 replies

Meaning74 · 01/12/2023 09:10

I have some time between jobs at the moment and asked dp if he would consider us / me fostering a kitten or puppy. He loves pets but said no.

for context we have been living almost exclusively in my (rented, for which I paid all the rent and bills) flat for the last 6 months and will shortly be living in his. I have always made him feel welcome and never pulled the whole “it’s my flat” line.

when he said no to the pets, I asked why and he replied “well, it’s my flat isn’t it” obviously meaning that’s why he gets final say. It’s made me nervous about moving into his, I’m not sure I really want to now. I don’t like that he still very much sees it as only his.

OP posts:
Tessasanderson · 01/12/2023 10:41

I can see both sides of this. Whilst he would expect you to have final say if he was asking for something for your flat, he expects to have final say if you want something, like a pet in his flat. It seems reasonable to me to expect this.

However you are the one making the sacrifice if you give up your flat and move in with him. He hasnt made that sacrifice so far and that, imo means he hasnt invested as much as you are intending into the relationship. Be careful.

You mentioned he will pay his mortgage and you will pay for groceries. Thats not fair on you as he is investing his money whilst you are actually facilitating it for him. Fair would be the equivelant of what you are doing now, you moving in with him and he pays all the bills whilst you keep your flat going, just in case. Why is it ok for him to do it but not you?

The real answer is you get put on the mortgage, you contribute accordingly and you both decide as adults whether a pet can work in the home you both own but i bet every penny i have he isnt up for that...... Protect yourself first regardless of how you feel about him

BarbaraCadabra · 01/12/2023 10:44

when he said no to the pets, I asked why and he replied “well, it’s my flat isn’t it” obviously meaning that’s why he gets final say.

That answer is nothing to do with why he doesn't want you to have something that would bring joy to your life, it's him saying he's in charge no matter what.

It’s made me nervous about moving into his, I’m not sure I really want to now.

Listen to those nerves, they are trying to protect you from what more than likely will be a very negative time in your life.

If you give up the security of your own place he will have an advantage over you. He is already showing you who he is, listen to his warning, please.

Finals1234 · 01/12/2023 10:45

If you move in with him he will still get to claim 'its my house' as he is paying the mortgage.

If you sell your place he will resent or weaponise the fact you have savings and have made money from the sale and he is paying all of the bills and he feels he has been penalised and you have gained financially from him.

You'll have no stake on the property if he kicks you out or you split up.

Do NOT move in with him.

Topseyt123 · 01/12/2023 10:49

OP says her flat is rented. So no profit or savings there.

I still wouldn't move in with this man though. Alarm bells ringing. She also has no financial security as they aren't married and she won't be on the deeds/mortgage.

LemonTT · 01/12/2023 10:49

You need to get your head around the fact that he is right that it is his property. He owns it and whilst it is a home it is also an investment. His investment and he had made it clear it’s not your investment. That is why he doesn’t want you to contribute to housing costs. In case you think you are paying the mortgage.

Will it be a home for both of you? That sounds like a discussion you need to have. But as in any home both people need to want a pet. He doesn’t and that’s it. Pets are smelly and destroy property. It would impact on his investment and quality of life.

Otherwise will it be a home where you get to decide on decor and have equal say in how you live? These are questions you need to ask.

But right now you have no job and no secured home other than his. Thats a stupid position to put yourself in because you are dependent on him and will be living off him. That is not a win in life. It is a regression.

Epidote · 01/12/2023 11:34

It doesn't look a Win Win to me if even before moving he is reminding you that it is his flat.

Freakinfraser · 01/12/2023 11:35

He’s made his position clear. It is his and won’t ever be yours. It’s up to you how you proceed now.

Sunshineandflipflops · 01/12/2023 11:47

Hmm...this is tricky one for me as my dp recently moved in to mine and my dc's house. He pays towards bills and food but didn't have nay money to put into the mortgage so it IS my house, while it is his home.

If he wanted to get a dog, I would say no. Because I don't want a dog more than because it's MY house and like children, the person who doesn't want one should really have the final say.

AgnesX · 01/12/2023 11:51

Meaning74 · 01/12/2023 09:46

Basically he asked me to move in with him and I wanted to be in my current city so refuse. We came to a compromise where he would pay his mortgage and bills and I’d pay for mine. In reality we ended up living more at mine.

now we’ve come to the point where I want to give my place up (for financial and practical reasons) and we’ll move to his. He’ll pay for his bills and mortgage and I’ll pay for shared groceries. Win win. I’m just annoyed he has pulled the “it’s my flat” comment.

With an attitude of "it's mine" it's definitely not a "win-win" for you even if it eases your financial load.

Where will it end it he starts dictating now and you've not even moved in. Pets aren't for everyone I appreciate but what else isn't he going to want further down the line.

N0TMYIDEA · 01/12/2023 11:56

LemonTT · 01/12/2023 10:49

You need to get your head around the fact that he is right that it is his property. He owns it and whilst it is a home it is also an investment. His investment and he had made it clear it’s not your investment. That is why he doesn’t want you to contribute to housing costs. In case you think you are paying the mortgage.

Will it be a home for both of you? That sounds like a discussion you need to have. But as in any home both people need to want a pet. He doesn’t and that’s it. Pets are smelly and destroy property. It would impact on his investment and quality of life.

Otherwise will it be a home where you get to decide on decor and have equal say in how you live? These are questions you need to ask.

But right now you have no job and no secured home other than his. Thats a stupid position to put yourself in because you are dependent on him and will be living off him. That is not a win in life. It is a regression.

This.

AllEars112232 · 01/12/2023 14:13

@Meaning74
It's definitely not a win win, at least not for you!
I'd take it slower if I was you.

sixteenfurryfeet · 01/12/2023 14:26

Brefugee · 01/12/2023 10:09

that would be a silly move, IMO, OP. How about you keep yours and rent it out?

The OP rents and doesn't own it.

ThelmaBorden · 01/12/2023 15:01

Living as his guest and dependent on his goodwill

ThelmaBorden · 01/12/2023 15:04

when you are required to ask permission you risk a No!

when you place yourself in a situation whereby your partner
has the right of veto, it’s demeaning

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 15:11

He's not wrong, but they way he chose to verbalise it is very telling.

You've been forewarned.

frozendaisy · 01/12/2023 15:28

You are putting yourself in a vulnerable housing position OP.

He could kick you out at any point.
He can certainly control what YOU do in HIS home.

Not a chance would I live under these circumstances you managed up to two years ago without him dictating to you what to do.

How about you get the cats you want whilst you are in YOUR house and then he has a choice it's you and the cats or no one? But then if you do move in with cats you have the chance he will make you and the cats homeless.

cestlavielife · 01/12/2023 15:34

So you will just be a guest?
Meaning he will be in charge of all household chores etc .....

ActDottie · 01/12/2023 16:12

I wouldn’t be moving in, not because he said no to pets but because he has quite clearly made it clear that it is his flat and not yours even though it’ll be your home too.

category12 · 01/12/2023 16:26

If you're not going on the mortgage and deeds, then he's right.

I mean, there's lots of advantages to this arrangement as long as you're not putting money into his property and are able to save & keep aside enough money for a deposit on a rental/your own place.

You might have no rights to stay but, on the bright side, that does give you the freedom to fuck off without a backward glance at will.

Long term you might want to buy together or go on the deeds/mortgage, and then he would need to consider it both yours.

category12 · 01/12/2023 16:28

That said, don't get pregnant or take on pets in in this situation.

category12 · 01/12/2023 16:39

Sorry, me again, I suppose it does reveal a big disparity in the way you're each viewing this.

You're viewing it as the next stage of commitment maybe, living together, sharing a home/resources? He's viewing it as a convenient, more intermediary step, where you're both still more independent entities.

Like I said, it has its benefits, but you do need to be careful about keeping enough money so you can fuck off if you need to and not acquiring dependents through pregnancy or pet rescues.

Cherrysoup · 01/12/2023 22:43

Don’t think I’d be moving in with him. Will you ever be allowed to change the paint/buy furniture you want?

flowerchild2000 · 01/12/2023 22:48

That seems very domineering and not indicative of a give/take relationship. I don't think your thoughts/needs/wants will matter to him in other areas as well.

Original poster
Meaning74 · 02/12/2023 02:01

Hi everyone, I’ve spoken to him and he’s apologised. Said he didn’t mean it that way and was only in the context of our discussion, that we are equal partners and I am free to decorate etc. Said this should be a good opportunity for me to save - I offered to pay market rent and sign that I wouldn’t have a claim to his mortgage but he flat out refused and wants me to have a good deal.

OP posts:
MrsKwazi · 02/12/2023 02:06

YANBU but come on, you are not going to foster a kitten or a puppy and then give it up! You are basically signing him up for pet ownership.

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